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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I own up

42 replies

Imthemoststupidperson · 17/10/2021 20:17

I've made a stupid mistake. A few weeks ago I bumped into an old fwb. We spoke on fb remembering the good times and he asked to meet up. I told him I was in a relationship but ide be happy to meet to talk. I'll admit we were flirting through the messages and had arranged to meet up. I'm 99% sure I wouldnt of slept with him, but now hes blocked me. I've already left the house so now I'm just sitting in asda car park waiting for enough time so I can go home because I told dp I was going to see a friend. He didnt ask any details and I didnt provide any but he is a good man and I am so ashamed of what I have done.
I feel so stupid. Do I just go home admit all to dp and hope he forgives me? Or do I just slink back in an hour pretend everything fine and put it behind me. I have never thought about cheating on dp before and I'm sure I wouldnt but it feels wrong.
What should I do?

OP posts:
cultkid · 17/10/2021 20:20

God I would never do that because you can't take it back 😓 relationships are sacred
I hope he hasn't messaged your DP

Don't tell him you have to deal with the consequences of your actions

PawPourPoor · 17/10/2021 20:22

I'd go home now. Say friend cancelled or whatever. Learn from this

category12 · 17/10/2021 20:24

Are you sure you wouldn't have shagged him Hmm? Sounds like you were pretty open to something happening if you sneaked off and lied like that.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 20:24

Well I think you should break up with your partner as you clearly don’t love or respect him. I don’t mean that to sound horrible, but you deserve to be with someone who you’re happy with and he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t meet up with men behind his back. If I had a partner that met up with a past fwb I would be utterly devastated - he really doesn’t deserve this, I’m sorry.

Pugmumm · 17/10/2021 20:25

Break up with your partner OP. To do something like that you clearly do not love or respect him learn from this. How would you feel?

Respect your partner enough to walk away, how awful of you!!

Slagertha · 17/10/2021 20:27

If your husband did this how would you feel? Would you want to know? It'd all well and good saying you wouldn't have cheated but you knew you were doing wrong because you feel bad about it! I'd not tell him but remember this for next time you're feeling tempted to meet with an old fwb for a drink x

Whataday21 · 17/10/2021 20:28

Don't tell him and have a think.

tickertock · 17/10/2021 20:29

Just go back and say your friend cancelled last minute think of a suitable reason why, yes it was a stupid thing to do but fortunately the meet up hasn't happened. I wouldn't tell him, it would hurt his feelings that the intentions were there. Then you have to seriously think if you want to stay with your bf because you wouldn't be doing this if you were happy in the relationship.

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/10/2021 20:31

Don’t tell him. You’ve done nothing wrong, but this could hurt your relationship if you do.

KurtWilde · 17/10/2021 20:32

Nothing happened. You feel guilty, and rightly so, but don't hurt him needlessly just to assuage your guilt.

SunshineCake1 · 17/10/2021 20:34

Just go home after waiting enough time. Say nothing. Don't speak to this guy again. Be honest with yourself. Try and fix what is wrong with your relationship. My friend's dh told her he had had an affair and she'd rather not have known. It was a very short thing.

Twobirdsinatree · 17/10/2021 20:35

Why do you want to 'own up?' You haven't actually done anything. Do you think on some level you feel insecure and want some kind of drama to occur so you can see how your partner really feels about you?
Or is it that you are having doubts about your relationship yourself and this was some misguided attempt to leave or end things?

I think you need to have a think about why you wanted to meet this person and why you are considering telling your partner about it

Get to the bottom of what's caused this and address that in your relationship.

Just going and telling your partner that you were going to meet up with an ex and lied about it is just going to create hurt. And thats pointless if there isn't a reason why he needs to know or you need to tell him. Because nothing actually did happen.
So adress the reasons why you did this when you clearly feel like it was a bad thing to do. Sort it out in your head and take steps to solve the problem so it doesnt happen again.

category12 · 17/10/2021 20:38

@IsThePopeCatholic

Don’t tell him. You’ve done nothing wrong, but this could hurt your relationship if you do.
She has done something wrong. She flirted and arranged a secret meet up with an ex-fwb.
Rainbowheart1 · 17/10/2021 20:41

Maybe he already knows because the guy has sent him screen shots.

Funny he was going to meet you then blocked you like that, why would he do that if you used to be FWB?

McNuggetsAndMcFlurries · 17/10/2021 20:43

I'm not sure why people are telling you not to tell your partner about this... you say that you're 99% sure you wouldn't have slept with him which means there's a part of you that would have at least considered it. That is not okay and is on the way to cheating :( How would you feel if it was he other way around..?

KurtWilde · 17/10/2021 20:47

Oh it's definitely not OK, I just don't see the point in hurting someone when for the most part it was a non event. It's OP who needs to be having a serious word with herself about inappropriate messages and ensuring she doesn't get tempted again.

OtterAndDog · 17/10/2021 20:48

@KurtWilde

Nothing happened. You feel guilty, and rightly so, but don't hurt him needlessly just to assuage your guilt.
Something did happen. She lied to her partner and made arrangements to meet a former fwb, and says she cannot be 100% certain she wouldn’t have fucked him. How is that nothing? It’s a huge deal. There’s no way you could go home and look him in the eye surely? This is the end of the relationship.
Morgan12 · 17/10/2021 20:50

So he was going to meet you tonight but blocked you whilst you were on route to meet him?

You would have shagged him who you kidding 😂

Darkdarknights · 17/10/2021 20:54

You actually left the house to meet him and it was the fwb who stopped it by blocking you? What were you going to meet for?

whistleryukon · 17/10/2021 20:58

Of course you were going to shag him

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 21:06

Fucking hell. You really need to get yourself together and figure why you made such a horrible decision as to communicate with this man, never mind meet up with him. Flirty messages and agreeing to meet up? You are playing with fire and being totally unfaithful.

OttilieStonelady · 17/10/2021 21:08

Probably time you left your partner.

Cantstopthewaves · 17/10/2021 21:11

@Rainbowheart1

Maybe he already knows because the guy has sent him screen shots.

Funny he was going to meet you then blocked you like that, why would he do that if you used to be FWB?

Yes. This would be my worry. Or it's been some kind of trap.
TeeBee · 17/10/2021 21:15

I'd go home and say my friend didn't show up, and you're not really sure why. Then really have a think about how you allowed this to happen.

DuckPancake · 17/10/2021 21:30

Strong believer in that everything happens for a reason. So there's a reason this historic FWB popped up, there's a reason you agreed to meet, and there's a reason you've been blocked. Time to pause for thought OP Sad