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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the abuser moves on….

27 replies

createausernamee · 17/10/2021 19:34

Met a girl in the summer, she’s moving in to the house that was meant to be our family home.

Meanwhile, I’ve not had a whiff of a man since we separated. Trying to keep going for the sake of my two little boys but it’s really hurting me.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 17/10/2021 19:41

I expect that someone who has been abusive will be abusive again.

You keep going because that is what you do. Your DC need their mother.

GotBeatenUp · 17/10/2021 19:47

Is he your children's father?

Original poster
createausernamee · 17/10/2021 19:54

Yes he’s their Father.

I am going to keep going it’s just a real struggle at the moment.

Really taken aback by how I feel. It’s got me feeling like I shouldn’t have left which is ridiculous.

So many friends and family have said he will likely be abusive to this new woman eventually… but all I can think about is how happy he must be and how hurt I am.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 17/10/2021 20:05

It is far too soon for the girlfriend to be moving in.
He probably is happy, but it won't last.

Of course you are hurting.

For me, the worst bit was that I could no longer trust my judgement. I thought he was great, but he wasn't and I don't think he just turned into a monster overnight.

As they say, live your best life.

It does get easier. You did the right thing.

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2021 20:18

In my exp, abusers are rarely happy for long. They tend to always want the bigger better. No sooner will she be in than will he be bored and starting to devalue her. If he is a particularly sadistic sort then he may enjoy that side of things for a while of course.

The only sad thing about it really is that yet another women is going to be abused.

Original poster
createausernamee · 17/10/2021 20:26

For me, the messed up thing is that I do want him to treat her badly….because if this is the love of his life, it leaves me feeling like why not me? Why didn’t he love me enough. What’s wrong with me? If he breaks her heart then it would bring me relief.

It’s really f**d up and I hate myself for it.

God I want to move on.

OP posts:
Fdksyihfd · 17/10/2021 20:33

My abusive ex met someone new within a month of us breaking up despite being “heartbroken” that I’d left and telling everyone how I’d just left out of the blue and how awful it was for him.
I didn’t want to be with him and I knew I was better off but it hurt but I very much suspect he was abusive to her and definitely to the next girlfriend.

TurnUpTurnip · 17/10/2021 20:35

Ime men tend to move on quicker, probably because it’s usually women who are the RP so harder to move on when you have the kids with you most of the time

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2021 20:47

I think maybe you romanticise it op. There are loves that come and go throughout life.

And tbb in the case of the abuser, there's the one you'll take advantage of this year and r
the one 5 years from now and so on and so fourth. It has nothing to do with love. Because they just aren't capable of it.

There's nothing fundamentally lacking in you.
It's him that is empty.

Original poster
createausernamee · 17/10/2021 20:52

Embarrassingly…. should tell you this is his second girlfriend of the year. The first didn’t make it to move in stage. But he introduced both to the boys within a month or so of being with them.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 18/10/2021 11:16

if this is the love of his life
She's not though is she, they've been together a few months, and will still be in the warm rosy glow of a new relationship.

He's probably been lovebombing her and reality will soon set in

Sparklfairy · 18/10/2021 11:23

@createausernamee

For me, the messed up thing is that I do want him to treat her badly….because if this is the love of his life, it leaves me feeling like why not me? Why didn’t he love me enough. What’s wrong with me? If he breaks her heart then it would bring me relief.

It’s really f**d up and I hate myself for it.

God I want to move on.

That is fucked up. You need to feel sorry for her. As long as she falls in line under his control everything will be roses, but its not real. As soon as she so much as voices an opinion he doesn't like the cracks will begin to show.

Then she'll either leave, or live a life of submission being downtrodden and bullied.

These men dont change.

Original poster
createausernamee · 18/10/2021 11:37

Feel abit better today. Sometimes the hurt just catches me off guard. Wishing for better for my boys xx

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 18/10/2021 11:45

Your boys have you, @createausernamee. They will only ever have one mother.

Keep going, because it will get easier. It will still hurt, if will still catch you off-guard.

Don't wish ill on the 'latest squeeze'. With a bit of luck, she will see through him and bin him as soon as he steps out of line.

Original poster
createausernamee · 18/10/2021 11:47

Thanks @GotBeatenUp.

I don’t wish anything bad toward her. It’s just in that moment when you’re not thinking clearly and you’re upset ….all sorts go on in my head !

OP posts:
ALittleBitWorrriedNow · 18/10/2021 11:59

OP my abusive exH is remarried now and they have been together around 8 years but have no kids yet. It took him about 10 years into a 12 year relationship before his behaviour deteriorated although in hindsight the warning signs were always there. I have nothing much to do with him nowadays but from what I’ve heard they do seem relatively happy. The cracks will start to show if they actually have kids, he was an awful dad and left all the parenting to me while he drank, pursued hobbies etc. He was also having non-consensual sex with me while I slept, which obviously was a deal-breaker, along with his use of rape porn. Apparently she knows about all this, so either he got help with his issues and rectified his behaviour or she’s alright with it. He is so nasty when he’s drunk. So it also depends on whether he’s still binge drinking and if she stands up to him (like I did) or just puts up with it.

Her parents have made a very sensible move, according to my kids, they’ve bought a house and ex and his wife pay the mortgage…that way she’s protected if it all goes wrong.

Either way, I don’t envy her at all. Her husband is a rapist.

ALittleBitWorrriedNow · 18/10/2021 12:04

Sorry for all the waffle about myself. What I’m trying to say is remember why you’re not together. Don’t feel jealous of her, feel sorry for her - she’s ended up with your shitty ex! He might have smoothed over the cracks for now but deep down he’s still the same old shitty person.

Original poster
createausernamee · 18/10/2021 12:15

Thank you @ALittleBitWorrriedNow. Your ex sounds very similar to mine. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing.

I was having a VERY bad day yesterday. Feel slightly better but know I need to pick myself up for sake of boys. I do have a journal and I do look back at all the things he put us through. You’re right - reminds me of why we’re not together.

OP posts:
Fireworksfly · 18/10/2021 12:32

I feel your pain. I watched my abusive ex start a new relationship very quickly after I left with our 3 year old. They had a child together but he treated her so badly - mirror image of how he abused me. She left. He has had a string of relationships and treated them all equally as bad. It is like watching lambs to the slaughter
13 years later he is now planning to buy a house with his latest 'victim'. It makes me anfry that he should be allowed to have happness but then I know in time he will show his vile abusive side.

Original poster
createausernamee · 18/10/2021 12:44

Thanks for also sharing your story @Fireworksfly.

I’m going to try and focus on what makes me and my boys happy. And it certainly isn’t him Smile.

I should be grateful he’s (partly) out of my life.

OP posts:
Fireworksfly · 18/10/2021 12:51

It is the classic feelings that an abuser leaves you with ... 'it was my fault'..'I was not good enough'
I feel it every time he starts a new relationship and even though I have seen the destruction in his relationships those feelings have never left me. Not that I would ever want him back of course.

Worakls · 18/10/2021 13:01

Just wanted to reach out OP and say I completely empathise. I left my ex 2 years ago, he cheated multiple times, had an anger problem and was the most selfish human being I've ever met. I am happier at home, the kids are generally happier too, day to day, as life is calmer at home and they can sense I am happy.
So, despite all this, and despite me being in a new relationship for over a year with an amazing man, I freaked out when he told me he was in a serious relationship.
Just like you, I thought, if he can be nice to her and not cheat on her, then something was wrong with me. If I'm honest, I do still have the same thoughts... She's bound to be younger, fitter, prettier than me and far more fun (don't think she has kids)... And that means he probably won't cheat. God it sucks doesn't it!

Pinkspecs · 18/10/2021 13:05

Give it time you will look back on this and think why on earth did you think that.
You will be in a better position in the end as you aren't just moving on, you are taking your time.

In my experience they just carry on abusing, at first these women think they have met 'such an amazing man' then after a few months the mask slips and they either wise up and dump him or stay with him a bit longer because they love him and hope he will change.
Usually the women he moves in with seem very gullible and naive and let him move in straight away.
I had his now ex wife tell me how amazing he was when she first got with him (pregnant within weeks of meeting) gloating how they were expecting a second child shortly after their first, how happy they were and how he didn't care about my kids.
A few years later she messaged me telling me how sorry she was that she was such a dickhead and that actually the time she was messaging me she was extremely low and miserable, he was hurting her emotionally and physically.
All isn't what it seems in abusers lives trust me.

Build yourself up, you are still suffering after effects of abuse where you actually deem him worthy.
He isn't he's not good enough for you and never was.

Original poster
createausernamee · 18/10/2021 13:10

@Worakls welcome ! Thanks to another lady sharing their story. Do you know what, it has brought me comfort reading about women who have gone through the same. Feels a lot less lonely. And @Worakls this new girl is younger, prettier and child free too. Although he has two other children with two other women so wouldn’t be surprised if this one gets pregnant.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 18/10/2021 13:29

@ALittleBitWorrriedNow, 10 years seems like a common time frame for the mask to drop, or the victim to finally get the strength to walk away. Often the warning flags appear around 2 years but if there are benefits to the relationship, such as housing, status etc they maintain the mask but control will be a feature of the relationship.

Op, it's really early days so your emotions are very natural. Your thinking that he repeats the abuse is based on wanting to KNOW it isn't you. His lack of empathy that allowed him to be abusive isn't going to appear with a new woman. He will pretend, like he did with you.

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