OLD - messaging but no mention of meeting up?

sospspsp · 2021-10-17T17:55:25+00:00

I'm on Bumble AKA the lazy mans choice. I'm absolutely fine with making the first move, either message if or asking out - but actually I want the guy to do it. On bumble the woman messages first if there is a match, therefore if we are getting on ok through the messages and the guy doesn't mention meeting up within a week or so (even if we can't meet up for a while if our diaries are busy) then I can't be arsed with him. I'm mid-40s and confident, and I'm not interested in trying to date un-confident guys, I do want someone who will take the lead fairly. How do I end the endless chats without just ghosting/blocking (I'm too old and we'll brought up for that crap [grin]) ? I also don't want to be someone's texting buddy - I've got real friends I barely have time to text! I also don't want it to look like I'm stropping off to force them into asking me out, because again, I'm looking for someone who wants to date me and meet up in person to see if there's anything between us worth pursuing. Anyone got any good ideas?

superram · 17/10/2021 19:05

I just came out with, ‘it’s been lovely chatting but I’d like to meet in real life to see if there’s chemistry’. I did do it in the days of dial up so really didn’t have the time! We’ve been married 13 years so it worked….

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 19:15

Ask him to meet. If he is wishy washy be direct and say you weren't looking for a real relationship. Not necessarily a serious one to begin with but a real one. Endless messaging is not for me...I would say that. It is direct.

Say you will wait to hear from you regarding when you can meet me but in the mean time you won't continue messaging as you weren't looking for a penpal.

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 19:16

Were looking for a real relationship!

JustAnother0ldMan · 17/10/2021 19:18

but actually I want the guy to do it.

Why is this?
What is stopping you putting forward the idea of meet or ending the chat, I wish more women would do this at least you know where you stand rather than just more getting to know you chat

LawnFever · 17/10/2021 19:20

You just need to ask to meet up.

If they’re not keen in meeting in real life just say ‘it’s been nice chatting but I’m looking to meet people in real life’ and move on/block number, there’s no point texting endlessly without meeting.

tickertock · 17/10/2021 19:21

There doesn't have to be endless chats but you will have to direct yourself and learn to say no, Ignoring and blocking unfortunately is part of it, it's not nice but it's the easiest option to move on from the ones that are flaky and wasting your time.
I find the men that are seriously interested in a date will ask within a day or two anyway.

SpringlikeBunk · 17/10/2021 19:22

@sospspsp

I personally wouldn't worry too much about the dynamics of the "first ask" tbh - just say something like

"Would be great to continue this over coffee some time! Let me know. Enjoy your night out/work/fishing trip etc"

I don't think who suggests the first meet affects the overall dynamic tbh.

I guess it's slightly another element if someone is travelling from a distance then maybe more contact/a phone call?

Original poster

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 20:31

@JustAnother0ldMan

but actually I want the guy to do it.

Why is this?
What is stopping you putting forward the idea of meet or ending the chat, I wish more women would do this at least you know where you stand rather than just more getting to know you chat

Because it's bumble - and the women (assuming it's M/F dating) always has to message first and get the conversation going. I want them to return the curtesy and ask me out first. (I only do a quick coffee/drink or walk for the first meet - as I'm not short of a social life and time is precious) I'm also only interested in a relationship or a genuine FWB situation so meeting up is important.

I'm also chatting to loads of guys and it's hard work! plus I get bored and can't be bothered after a while!

If the man can't be arsed asking me out after a week or more messaging, or ending the chat (which is more than fine) then I'm not really interested in them.

I want to date interested proactive men.
I'm a feminist and I have asked guys out, but in this niche situation I want to see if they are actually interested in dating me, or are they just going along for the ride because it's easy and entertaining to text?

OP posts:

Original poster

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 20:35

I just hate feeling like the 'dominant l' one, always dictating the exchange - I want to find an equal not someone who sits back and doesn't instigate a meet.

Fair enough about only leaving it a few days of messaging before letting it tail off if they don't suggest a meeting - I'll do that and see if that helps cut out the messaging which never goes anywhere

OP posts:

BBOA · 17/10/2021 20:36

Can’t you just ask “ Where do you see this going?” . Forcing the issue yes, but they either ask you out or give some drivel (at which you can just say “ wrong answer, this isn’t what I’m looking for . Wish you all the best…”)

Original poster

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 20:37

@JustAnother0ldMan

but actually I want the guy to do it.

Why is this?
What is stopping you putting forward the idea of meet or ending the chat, I wish more women would do this at least you know where you stand rather than just more getting to know you chat

You want more women to do this, but you aren't? Why do you expect the woman to do it out of interest?

OP posts:

JustAnother0ldMan · 17/10/2021 20:59

@sospspsp
For exactly the same reasons as you I would assume, sometimes I may have a few chats on the go at once,, why should the man do the asking just because they are a man, ?
If a woman wants to get the “meet up” question out of the way, why not just ask.

I Want to find an equal not someone who sits back and doesn't instigate a meet
Surely you are equally able to instigate a meeting, if are only 2 people in your chat?
Why does the man have to be the one doing the asking?

Original poster

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 21:27

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@sospspsp
For exactly the same reasons as you I would assume, sometimes I may have a few chats on the go at once,, why should the man do the asking just because they are a man, ?
If a woman wants to get the “meet up” question out of the way, why not just ask.

I Want to find an equal not someone who sits back and doesn't instigate a meet
Surely you are equally able to instigate a meeting, if are only 2 people in your chat?
Why does the man have to be the one doing the asking?[/quote]
Errr you seem to be trying to argue with me because you want the same thing?

That's fine you do you.
And I'll do me.

OP posts:

JustAnother0ldMan · 17/10/2021 21:52

Errr you seem to be trying to argue with me because you want the same thing?

I want the same outcome as you, but I just want to ask more, not just sit back and wait, that’s all.

CecilieRose · 17/10/2021 21:59

I agree with you OP. I've found that whenever I've been forward with men I've had it thrown back in my face later on. 'Well I wasn't that bothered but you asked me out' etc. I really do feel like considering the very real risks women face when dating (risk of assault, spiking, etc.), it's kind of the least men can do to take the risk of rejection.

Original poster

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 22:39

@CecilieRose

I agree with you OP. I've found that whenever I've been forward with men I've had it thrown back in my face later on. 'Well I wasn't that bothered but you asked me out' etc. I really do feel like considering the very real risks women face when dating (risk of assault, spiking, etc.), it's kind of the least men can do to take the risk of rejection.

Thanks Cecilie, I appreciate your reply and I totally agree! (In fact I've had the same thing thrown at me too when I've ended a situation with someone)

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 18/10/2021 03:52

Sadly I've found the men I've had to take the lead with have been totally hopeless or just not that interested in me, I get where you're coming from. I tried in the past to be proactive and make the first move, it never worked and often led to me making a fool of myself.

I know there are exceptions to this and people here will give examples but I wont be the one to chase or lead again, an interested man will let you know IME.

JustAnother0ldMan · 18/10/2021 08:26

@Mermaidwaves

Sadly I've found the men I've had to take the lead with have been totally hopeless or just not that interested in me, I get where you're coming from. I tried in the past to be proactive and make the first move, it never worked and often led to me making a fool of myself.

I know there are exceptions to this and people here will give examples but I wont be the one to chase or lead again, an interested man will let you know IME.

Personally I like to meet or call within the 1st 2 weeks and if the woman agrees or suggests that then I think she is serious about dating,

But on those occasions where I’ve had to ask and ask or chase for a meeting then I get the feeling the woman has other meetings/ chats on the go and I’m just being used a fall back

JustThisLastLittleBit · 18/10/2021 08:36

I found Bumble was just full of losers who got off on the woman messaging first, then faffed around with messaging endlessly and never meeting. I pictured them all sitting in their mum’s basement in their pants. Never had a decent date from there. Tinder is far more red-blooded.

Glitterb · 18/10/2021 08:37

I would just ask if they want to go for a coffee/quick drink one evening/weekend. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman asking that at all. I’m with you on the whole OLD dating thing, I get bored of the constant messaging back and forth with no meeting, I’ve found that men need constant attention via messaging or think you are a time waster and unmatch you! I don’t have the time for it at all!

JustAnother0ldMan · 18/10/2021 09:46

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I found Bumble was just full of losers who got off on the woman messaging first, then faffed around with messaging endlessly and never meeting. I pictured them all sitting in their mum’s basement in their pants. Never had a decent date from there. Tinder is far more red-blooded.

This is really interesting, as I had the opposite experience, the women on bumble were much more direct and the women on tinder we less responsive Maybe that’s an age thing as I was looking to date older people ? 🤷🏼‍♂️

JustThisLastLittleBit · 18/10/2021 09:56

I think that’s the problem @JustAnother0ldMan, women think Bumble is less ‘out there’ so are more relaxed and direct, men maybe feel more at home on ‘up for it’ Tinder so again are more relaxed and wanting to meet. It’s a mismatch. Just shows you need to use a variety of apps I guess, but I felt most comfortable playing guys at their own game on Tinder.

I was dating 50-59 age group, it was back in 2018 though so things may have changed.

Cookiedough123 · 18/10/2021 09:56

Can you not put something in your profile ? (Not sure how bumble works but I'm thinking tinder) to say ask me out but in a funny kind of quirky way? So they know to just ask rather than fanny around chatting. Im the same as you. I think if youre interested in meeting someone would just ask although I think it works both ways. If I thought very early on there was a spark I would just ask if they wanted to meet up. I'll be honest though 99% of times it was just a waste of time!

CheshireChat · 18/10/2021 10:02

I get where the OP is coming from as far too many men believe that if the woman makes the first move, then she also forsakes all boundaries as well .

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 18/10/2021 10:08

Surely the whole point of Bumble is it that it turns the tables on traditional gender roles and allows women to take the lead? I hear what you’re saying OP, however the dynamics of your situation is basically that men face on other dating sites - where they are generally expected to make all the first moves - but you’re experiencing them instead because Bumble sets out to put women in the traditionally male position.

If that’s no good for you, that’s fine - however probably best to avoid it in that case. As you say, you want proactive men and Bumble, by its nature, will likely attract more passive men.