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Original poster

OLD - messaging but no mention of meeting up?

36 replies

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 18:55

I'm on Bumble AKA the lazy mans choice.
I'm absolutely fine with making the first move, either message if or asking out - but actually I want the guy to do it.

On bumble the woman messages first if there is a match, therefore if we are getting on ok through the messages and the guy doesn't mention meeting up within a week or so (even if we can't meet up for a while if our diaries are busy) then I can't be arsed with him.

I'm mid-40s and confident, and I'm not interested in trying to date un-confident guys, I do want someone who will take the lead fairly.

How do I end the endless chats without just ghosting/blocking (I'm too old and we'll brought up for that crap Grin) ?
I also don't want to be someone's texting buddy - I've got real friends I barely have time to text!
I also don't want it to look like I'm stropping off to force them into asking me out, because again, I'm looking for someone who wants to date me and meet up in person to see if there's anything between us worth pursuing.
Anyone got any good ideas?

OP posts:
JustAnother0ldMan · 18/10/2021 11:17

@JustThisLastLittleBit
I’m 51 so was looking in the 45 - 55 age range, I certainly noticed a difference in the platforms from my POV,
On Tinder very few matches responded ( maybe they get inundated, I don’t know), but on Bumble, ( I found this anyway), once you got a message from someone, it went along briskly, maybe because that person reached out in the 1st place so was more invested in the situation ?

WhatMattersMost · 18/10/2021 11:22

Don't use Bumble?

todaysdilemma · 18/10/2021 15:38

I wouldn't bother saying anything to them if you're just chatting and they aren't asking you out. Just stop replying. If they follow up with asking why, then you can let them know you aren't looking for a pen pal, so endless messaging with no date isn't your bag. No one would take it personally as i think you can only 'ghost' once you've actually met someone and then never replied. If you've never even met, and just exchanged a few messages you don't owe them an explanation for why the conversation has died. The admin to reply to each rando you've chatted with is not worth it.

Bumble did seem to have a large proportion of men on there who did just want their egos stoked by having attractive women reach out first, like a validation exercise. Also too much effort to start every single conversation yourself, with a 24 hour limit. My least favourite of all the apps tbh. HOWEVER, I did meet my current bf on there. I hardly chatted to him though. We exchanged maybe 4 messages over a few hours, before i asked if he wanted to grab a drink as i couldn't stand the thought of more small talk, and he was going to be my last date before i took an app break. In my head I thought even if he wasn't Prince Charming, his profile showed we had enough in common for at least one drink and some ok chat.

I don't normally with Bumble as i feel if i'm making the effort to start the convo, the least they can do is progress it to a date! So, I think rather than have any hard and fast rules, treat each profile on its own merits. And if it's a guy you really fancy or whose messages seem polite and courteous, no harm asking them out. But definitely definitely avoid those guys who've been messaging more than 2 days without asking for a date. 2 days is enough time to establish basics - if you met them in a pub you wouldn't be doing the same level of vetting anyway.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 18/10/2021 15:44

@CheshireChat

I get where the OP is coming from as far too many men believe that if the woman makes the first move, then she also forsakes all boundaries as well Hmm.
I think this is spot on.

I never just stopped messaging though as it felt like bad manners. I just told them something like ‘nice chat but we’ve reached the end of the road here, good luck with everything’.

JovialNickname · 18/10/2021 20:00

I too think that if you're going to use a dating site that ensures that women take the lead, then you are going to attract men that want that too. On a female-led heterosexual dating site, you are mostly going to get passive men and beta males. It's just the group that this type of dynamic is going to attract.

HappyDays101010 · 18/10/2021 22:33

I have asked men out twice. One was impotent, the other had a micro penis. I know where you're coming from OP.

Original poster
sospspsp · 18/10/2021 23:09

@HappyDays101010

I have asked men out twice. One was impotent, the other had a micro penis. I know where you're coming from OP.
Grin sorry, but that did make me laugh!
OP posts:
Original poster
sospspsp · 18/10/2021 23:13

@JovialNickname

I too think that if you're going to use a dating site that ensures that women take the lead, then you are going to attract men that want that too. On a female-led heterosexual dating site, you are mostly going to get passive men and beta males. It's just the group that this type of dynamic is going to attract.
Where do the 'alpha' men all hang out? I'm in a bit of a back-water area, no cities in my area, and I struggle to find guys I want to match with. Tinder seems grim, hinge is dead where I am, so I thought bumble would be the best option...sounds like I might be wrong.

I did have a nice FWB on bumble (emotional unavailable for actual dating, and a flake on top of it, so we didn't last very long) but I asked him out and I've learnt my lesson because it always felt I made more effort then he did.

Maybe I should brave tinder?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 18/10/2021 23:35

@CheshireChat

I get where the OP is coming from as far too many men believe that if the woman makes the first move, then she also forsakes all boundaries as well Hmm.
They are obviously shit men then and it's nothing to do with her making the first move. They would treat all women the same regardless of which one made the first move.

Likewise to the pp who said she's had "well I wasn't that bothered but you asked me out" thrown at her. Men say that type of stuff all the time "I only asked you out because....." and then something insulting.

That's just the type of men they are and their personalities and the way they treat women or respect women is not going to be any different based on who asked who out in the first place.

aurynne · 19/10/2021 03:25

"Where do the 'alpha' men all hang out?" --> In the pubs, bars, gyms... talking to real women in real life

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 20/10/2021 00:30

@aurynne

"Where do the 'alpha' men all hang out?" --> In the pubs, bars, gyms... talking to real women in real life
Also posing holding big, alpha fish they proactively caught on other dating sites like Match, POF, etc… (sorry, couldn’t resist…Grin)

Being serious though, Match, POF, etc would be the first ones I’d look at - I live in a rural area and they had a decent enough pool of people to pick from even there. Tinder’s got more of a reputation of a FWB/hook-up app nowadays, hasn’t it?

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