How do you cope with loneliness?

[Misty9]

After yet another heart bruising encounter on online dating, I'm committed to learning to accept loneliness - and not try to escape it. I'm very lucky in that I have a lot of good friends, albeit mostly married and with families, and a lovely home, which my two dc live in half the time. But I still get the crushing loneliness bouts and wondered how others respond to this feeling? I do try to keep busy with work, jobs around the home and getting out and about, but it creeps up every now and then.

Did you learn to accept it? How?

I learned not to have it. It comes from an inner feeling of 'nobody loves me', and it can't exist, really, if you love yourself.

What do you do, generally, in your life, that is purely for the fact that it feels really good to you?

You have to look after your emotions as if they were a child. 'Are you feeling sad and alone, darling? Don't worry, I'm here for you. What would make you feel better?' Sometimes it's a large bag of Minstrels. Sometimes it's going for a run. Sometimes it's getting out into the countryside. Sometimes it's SINGING REEEAAALLLLYY LOUD.

Find your things that you love to do, and do them to help yourself out of lonely.

It's called self-soothing. Many of us don't learn to do it as kids because our parents don't even know they're supposed to be teaching us. You can learn it, though. You don't have to just put up with being lonely. It's like saying 'How did you all learn to put up with wearing wet socks?'... you don't. You just change into dry ones.

www.claritychi.com/self-soothing-anxieties-away/

I love the sock analogy! I experience loneliness as anxiety, so I'm not sure I can avoid feeling that altogether, but I do get what you're saying about self love. I've worked hard on accepting myself so perhaps loving is the next step. I've decided that I can't be sating while I work on this though, it unbalances me too much.

What do I do just for me? Yoga, walking in nature, having a hot chocolate, reading fiction. The days and evenings can be long though.

No advice to offer OP, just wanted you to know that you are not alone - I could have written your post . Watching with interest xx

Could you get a dog OP? The cuddling, her unquestioning adoration of me, her enforced walking of me all helped me so much. 🐾

@Misty9

I love the sock analogy! I experience loneliness as anxiety, so I'm not sure I can avoid feeling that altogether, but I do get what you're saying about self love. I've worked hard on accepting myself so perhaps loving is the next step. I've decided that I can't be sating while I work on this though, it unbalances me too much.

What do I do just for me? Yoga, walking in nature, having a hot chocolate, reading fiction. The days and evenings can be long though.

Anxiety is a feeling that you don't have enough support to be able to cope with what's coming your way. You can self soothe that too, it's just another facet of the loneliness coin. If you have your own back, you know you can look after yourself in any situation, and if you know you will be looked after, your anxiety is reduced dramatically.

Have your own back.

Yoga and hot chocolate aren't doing it for you. Don't have an 'Well, I'm doing stuff, it just doesn't work' mindset. Have a 'This doesn't work, what else can I try instead?' mindset.

What do you absolutely love to do? What takes you down a path of complete focus, where you get so much into it that you can't think of anything else while you're doing it, and you come out the other side thinking 'Wow, I'm so glad I spent my time doing that, it was amazing!'

I'm betting it's not hot chocolate. When I said 'find the things you love to do' I meant LOVE to do. Not yoga because people say it's good for you, or walking in nature because it's a good idea to get fresh air. Those things are great but they're like brushing your teeth; routine self care.

Set yourself on fire. Think about all the things that people do that make you respect them. Make a list. Then pick things off that list that you want to be, and take steps. Once you're practicing on your cello, training for a marathon, and doing an extra job to save up for your trip to New York in 2023, your evenings won't be long enough!

at present, i focus on building my friendships and trying to keep busy as this helps take my mind off day to day so to speak, ive not always used this method helps but its a recent one im trying and seems ok so far.

*but it seems to help take my mind

I wasn’t in a good place when I started OLD as a single mum after my divorce in 2018. I’d been through an awful lot in my personally life. I had massive bouts of loneliness, and resigned myself to being alone. In that time, I’ve gently done some work on myself gently and am in a good place, finally. I have been doing a lot of yoga, and believe this has been very beneficial emotionally and physically. I volunteer, attend concerts, go for walks, and block out negative people, really take care of myself physically (hair, skin, make up, nice clothes), and buy myself flowers.

Anyway, one of my first dates in 2018 stayed in touch with me via text. I felt a strong connection to him when we matched but I didn’t feel much romantically when we had our first date, but I wasn’t in the right place. We met again recently and looks like things may progress. I think we needed the space and time to evolve and heal before coming together. It’s utterly ridiculous we messaged for 3 years and didn’t meet but we are both in a much better place, and I’m genuinely ready for love to come into my life as I know what I want and am clear about my boundaries. There’s an awful lot of shit on OLD and you need a thick skin. Be patient and gentle with yourself - don’t underestimate this.

@TheFoundations absolutely wonderful advice. So lovely to read.

You can be alone without being lonely.

You can feel lonely in the middle of a crowd of happy people.

Misty, no advice but l hear you and can only offer empathy. I too have only had disappointment and heartache from on line relationships, and have been on my own a long time now. It's not easy.

Thanks all, and hugs to the posters who feel similarly. My point wasn't really about online dating, or finding someone, but more how to be okay just me. Even when I'm with someone, I really struggle to be apart for long periods of time without losing the connection. I think there's something in me which I need to soothe and hold, perhaps something only I can do.

As for what makes me feel alive? I'm still figuring that one out. But I do love yoga, that wasn't just a thing to say. I find it grounds and centres me. Same with being in nature. I love singing so need to explore that further perhaps. And I'm okay when I'm okay, iyswim. It's when the anxiety/loneliness hits that I struggle.

Oh, and I've got a cat already - she drives me potty with her neediness!

I know where you are coming from. I am so lonely at night since my divorce, wish I had someone to be with. I have kids, a job, friends and lots of pets so it’s not like I am desperate for company, if anything I relish time on my own. But I am so sad and lonely at night, just want someone to have sex with and cuddle (although I don’t actually want another long term partner/husband lol).

For me it was accepting that ultimately I was on my own (as is everyone). I went through an extensional crises and came out the other side.

I get lonely for spending too little time with people I like such as friends but it's not the same as that utter loneliness that crushes you and causes deep pain.

@TheFoundations
Excellent therapeutic suggestions, nicely worded.

@TheFoundations. That is a fabulous post.
The link was particularly good.
I learned a lot and I am embarrassing old.
Thank you x

Distraction. Thrown myself into my work and spent lots of time with friends. Have booked so many shows and made lots of plans for Christmas with different friends

It makes me realise I am a nice person as I have so many friends. But I have to say Sunday is a killer. Very quiet day as everyone doing family stuff.

As for what makes me feel alive? I'm still figuring that one out

Brilliant! That explains why you're feeling lonely, then; you simply haven't found your 'thing'. Loneliness has a function: it's your impetus to go on a 'thing-quest'. Honestly, when you find your 'thing', you'll want to meet other people who do it too, or know about it, because you'll love it and want to talk to people who understand that. It's like a seed. Good, fresh, healthy things grow from it. It will enrich you.

Finding it is the hardest bit!

@TheFoundations from that description it's my profession, but I need a break from that sometimes too... I think it might be music related. Will explore.

that utter loneliness that crushes you and causes deep pain @RandomMess yes, this. Which is existential loneliness I think. On that subject, I'm reading Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom and would highly recommend it for considering all things about life and its meaning.

What do you absolutely love to do? What takes you down a path of complete focus, where you get so much into it that you can't think of anything else while you're doing it, and you come out the other side thinking 'Wow, I'm so glad I spent my time doing that, it was amazing!'

I'm intrigued - do other people have a thing like this?

I split up with DP 6 weeks ago. I hear you, I am feeling terribly lonely at night. I miss the companionship.

Maybe we should have a lonely at night thread where we can chat.

I get you @Misty9 , I feel the same way from time to time. It's true that, as @TheFoundations says, when I'm working on a project of my own, and find that flow, that I don't feel lonely any more - art is my friend, or writing - however it's important not to beat yourself up when you do succumb. Sometimes the loneliness/anxiety can be so paralysing, and prevents you self-caring, and so it is a vicious cycle. At these moments I have learned to be kind to myself and attend to my very basic physical needs in that moment, to tend to my inner child - do I need to sleep, eat, get outside? Often this is all it takes. For me, tiredness, lack of sleep, especially, brings on feelings of loneliness, as does drinking alcohol, even just a glass of wine, as it is a depressant. I was feeling lonely tonight, and so instead of tending to myself, and going to bed with a book, I indulged my anxieties and pain by searching on Mumsnet for similarly minded souls. Perhaps we should all switch off and go to bed!

I find accepting death removes feelings such as loneliness or boredom.

@Misty9

What do you absolutely love to do? What takes you down a path of complete focus, where you get so much into it that you can't think of anything else while you're doing it, and you come out the other side thinking 'Wow, I'm so glad I spent my time doing that, it was amazing!'

I'm intrigued - do other people have a thing like this?

There's a lot of people who haven't found their thing. But there's a lot of unfulfilled people out there. A lot of depression, a lot of emptiness.

It's so worth doing; it's what your life is for, but so many people don't.