How do you cope with loneliness?

[Misty9]

After yet another heart bruising encounter on online dating, I'm committed to learning to accept loneliness - and not try to escape it. I'm very lucky in that I have a lot of good friends, albeit mostly married and with families, and a lovely home, which my two dc live in half the time. But I still get the crushing loneliness bouts and wondered how others respond to this feeling? I do try to keep busy with work, jobs around the home and getting out and about, but it creeps up every now and then.

Did you learn to accept it? How?

After knowing what love, great sex, happy marriage & companionship are, I would have never accepted loneliness.

I would look for my True Soulmate at any age and never give up until I found him :)

I am sorry that you feel like this @Misty9 PPs have already given you great advice. Learning to self sooth is very important for all of us and a pet if you like animals will give you a loving relationship. I also wanted to say that even if you’d found someone you developed a long term relationship, that wouldn’t necessarily protect you from loneliness. I divorced 13 years ago and I felt so lonely in that marriage. 💐

Hi @Misty9 I'm exactly in your situation, you could have written that for me. I too have DCs, friends and family but have that crushing loneliness and I know that soul eating feeling you get from another OLD fiasco, I've swore off that now.

I haven't found a hobby or activity that I love with all my heart although I do enjoy swimming. For me it's that feeling that I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK. I constantly look at couples, see them holding hands, see them in all the places I go and wonder why I can't find that too. I have this gut wrenching longing which doesn't go away.

I too have anxiety and find evenings and nights unbearable sometimes. My DC are older now so that sense of family time and being needed is slipping away from me and not being a wife anymore can can be hard. I feel lost in this world.

This thread is so interesting-thank you OP! I have felt so lonely, when I look back actually all through my marriage, but particularly since my children went to university and the marriage disintegrated. For the last six years I have holidayed alone and felt very loneliness at times but have built up lots of good friendships and interests. Lockdown was a killer tho’ - put on masses of weight which I have mercifully lost this summer. The loneliness only hits me now if I have drunk too much wine - so avoiding that really helps.

@Misty9

What do you absolutely love to do? What takes you down a path of complete focus, where you get so much into it that you can't think of anything else while you're doing it, and you come out the other side thinking 'Wow, I'm so glad I spent my time doing that, it was amazing!'

I'm intrigued - do other people have a thing like this?

Ugh I wrote a post and pressed preview instead of post

@Misty9 I really relate to your post and the other PP who said they have experienced that crushing loneliness and I've been through that horrible existential crisis of being Alone.

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this, it's really hard going and it feels so awful, crushing is the best way to describe it because it almost has a physical weight doesn't it? The worst does pass and if it helps at all there are people in the world that care about you, even lovely strangers on MN who have been a huge comfort to me at times.

I really loved my old job, I could still talk about it for hours but it wasn't my "thing".
I think my thing might be art, which is a surprise having never been arty before. I'm not very good yet but I feel happy when I complete something because that is also an achievement for me.
I'm trying to adopt a more chilled out attitude to not being able to draw perfectly straight away, making mistakes etc and I feel like it's helping me with some of my larger issues in a weird way. Like for example I'm not big on trying things for fear of failure, so starting a drawing can sometimes be a massive hurdle ha ha! I am really enjoying the end results though and the feeling I get from having made something.

Take the opportunity where you can to lean into any urge to try something you feel, you say you might do more with your singing? Definitely do! Sing your heart out, join a choir, start a band!

Fancy a go at windsailing? Do it! See some nice pencils in a shop, buy them and draw something, or steal your kids art supplies and just have fun with paint! Write poetry or a novel, join a fine dining club, take up something obscure just because it tweaked an interest.

If it doesn't absorb your mind and leave you feeling really content try something else next time, you might be surprised what your "thing" turns out to be.

@TheFoundations great posts, very well put, insightful and really helpful.

Watching with interest, the last few years have been the loneliest of my life. I’m having counselling and it helps but nothing can change how alone I feel.

I find accepting death removes feelings such as loneliness or boredom @coronaway this is really interesting as it's the subject of the book I mentioned in a previous post. One of the questions it poses is what most scares you about dying? For me, it was dying alone or being alone forever (once dead) - from which I inferred that a lot of my anxiety about being lonely is that I'll be this way forever, and if I tell myself I'm still relatively young and anything could happen in the next decade for example. I was feeling very anxious when I read this book and a strange calm came over me after working through the above.

@SwordfromtheStone I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely :( are you talking about this in therapy? I really would recommend that book I mentioned.

Thanks for all the contributions so far, it's a fascinating discussion. And I appreciate the kind words but I'm okay really, I have a good life and fulfilling job. I just have a lot of love to give but need to work out how to give it to myself first... This morning I'm aware of the lack of messages with a (potentially) special someone. It's just that I think - feeling like someone is thinking of me - but I can try to do that for myself too.

Well I wrote that this morning, but now I've come home to an empty silent house... And no messages on my phone (was turned off for the morning) and the loneliness is hitting hard :(

I'm hungry so have eaten and will keep busy this afternoon with work etc. But it's these times when I'm tempted to get back on online dating, just for a connection of some sort, so I'm trying to find a different way to respond to this feeling, other than just try to get rid of it.

@Misty9 if you want to pursue online dating, if I ever find myself back there again, I’d try eHormony. It’s expensive compared to others, so screens out a lot of the trashy people, since they can do their thing for free/cheap. There is a detailed questionnaire to complete (developed by psychologists) before potential matches are offered. So people can’t just go on randomly messaging others. Maybe worth considering.

EHarmony

eHormony 😂

@Misty9 I hope you’re ok.

Hey OP,
I know how you feel, I live alone - due to COVID I now WFH (looks like it’s going to be full time now) Previously didn’t really bother me when when I was in the office each day, but now sometimes don’t meet another person all week , apart from teams call, it’s okay in the summer as have a good hobby, but pretty grim this time of year.
Given up on OLD, I think I’m too old, so have no answer
And I support the worse team in the Premier League

You have a home, children, good friends, family - what are you worrie about?

Watching this closely as I also suffer from such crushing feelings of loneliness, particularly on Sunday's. My wife doesn't understand it at all. I know for me it's related to my mum and dad who both have mental health issues and with whom I only have an okay relationship. I know that I need to work on this myself. The comments relating to finding your inner child are very on point. My counsellor has been saying the same thing and we talk about it a lot. As a 43 year old bloke, not many of my male friends really understand so great to have a group here who get it. Sorry, hope I haven't hijacked the thread!

@Beckandcall85

You have a home, children, good friends, family - what are you worrie about?

Thanks...

Interesting subject, my overriding feeling in childhood was loneliness despite being in a family there was very little love or caring shown. I married the first man to ask me out and got pregnant, my first thought was 'I'll never be lonely again' I was very young and naive! Now Divorced after 30 years in a bad marriage with grown up kids I quite like my alone time, I'm an introvert so suits me and can't imagine living with another man, but I do often feel sorry for myself when I see genuine caring/love between people because it's not something I've ever found. Yes, I love my children more than anything but even tho they are grown up its me that looks after/cares them, I've never had somebody look after me and that makes me feel lonely.

@dustybrother of course you haven't hijacked the thread! And thanks for sharing. Seems like that Sunday feeling isn't isolated to school days... I find the inner child stuff very pertinent, but I struggle to access mine. I'm reading (another!) interesting book about adult children of emotionally unavailable parents. Might be of some help to you too. It possibly doesn't help that I have to (over) think for a living!

I got busy this afternoon and am now seeing a friend tonight whilst another called unexpectedly earlier for a catch up. I am lucky to have good friends.

@Mossstitch

Interesting subject, my overriding feeling in childhood was loneliness despite being in a family there was very little love or caring shown. I married the first man to ask me out and got pregnant, my first thought was 'I'll never be lonely again' I was very young and naive! Now Divorced after 30 years in a bad marriage with grown up kids I quite like my alone time, I'm an introvert so suits me and can't imagine living with another man, but I do often feel sorry for myself when I see genuine caring/love between people because it's not something I've ever found. Yes, I love my children more than anything but even tho they are grown up its me that looks after/cares them, I've never had somebody look after me and that makes me feel lonely.

:( what you describe is called emotional loneliness in that book I just mentioned. And it captures perfectly what I and a lot of us are describing on this thread

www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 this is the book if anyone's interested

I'm guessing you aren't busy on a Sunday. Many people keep themselves busy to avoid facing feelings.
My parents had mental health problems too and your post reminded me of myself.

Just following with interest

I'm following with interest too....I don;'t have a partner (was previously married but it wasn't a good, mutually supportive marriage at all, in hindsight we shouldn't have dates/got together never mind married...). Now, I'm pregnant (solo parent to be via sperm donor) so happy and content on the one hand (making my own decisions etc.) but inconsistent contact with friends in the real world, and family not living nearby....weekends can be tough when everyone else appears to be out and having fun 'with loads of other friends/family...

Also, I dated in the past using OLD and it was overall an awful experience (var one person who I ended up dating briefly...I'm not sure what the answer is when it comes to this...)

@Beckandcall85

You have a home, children, good friends, family - what are you worrie about?

Not the point and unhelpful 🙄

@Misty9 ah thanks, glad to hear that! I'm intrigued, what's the name of the book that you're reading? Hehe I don't have to overthink for a living, it just comes naturally to me!

I hope that you had a great evening with your friends:) I went to choir last night and I find that a great way to switch my mind off for a while!