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Original poster

Is it cheating, would it be unkind to tell?

29 replies

notimeforgrieving · 17/10/2021 09:06

Hi all, thanks for reading. I’m new here after searching for anonymous advice as can’t talk irl.
It has become apparent to me that a very old friend (m) is using a lot of his time talking to another mutual old friend (f). We have been good friends for a long time, never been interested in more certainly from my point of view (I always liked his best friend!). Now I know that he sends and receives exposing pictures and engages in explicit chat with her. They are in their mid 50s, him supposedly happily married, kids etc and her divorced for nearly 20 years with adult kids. Why would he do that? Is it cheating? Would it be unkind to tell his wife who I’ve met a few times but don’t know, not even sure if she’s remember me. I don’t think this woman is the only one either. I’ve got myself worked up about this and could do with some help from out there. What should I do?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 17/10/2021 09:26

What do you want to achieve and what are you willing to sacrifice?

The obvious issue is that if you morally believe this should be exposed and/or stopped then that comes at the expense of your friendships. Even if you do it anonymously the knowledge should be enough for you to retreat from both of them.

If the friendships mean a lot then you are left the knowledge that someone is being deceived.

Why have either of them shared their online discussions with you? What did either of them expect to get from that. Did they anticipate you acting on it in the hope the marriage would end? This might be a case of you being a useful patsy who will lose friends and meddle in a marriage that may not end anyway.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 17/10/2021 09:27

You should ask him and your other old friend, separately, what on earth he/she thinks they are doing, and consider what sort of people you keep friendships with. (If this behaviour is normal in your circle then ignore.)

Of course it would be unkind to tell his wife.

LoekMa · 17/10/2021 09:27

Have you asked the mutual (f) friend if she feels it is cheating? Or are you bothered that he is talking to her as opposed to you?

Original poster
notimeforgrieving · 17/10/2021 09:33

I certainly don’t want him to talk like that with me. I am recently widowed and this situation is getting me down.
I don’t think it’s normal in our circles but I could be wrong and just out of touch.
She hasn’t told me, he has. He said he was just having fun with an old flame but it feels wrong to me. Maybe I’m out of touch and this isn’t considered cheating in the age of mobile phones etc.

OP posts:
WanderingLost167 · 17/10/2021 09:41

Nothing. You do nothing.

ravenmum · 17/10/2021 10:22

Maybe I’m out of touch and this isn’t considered cheating in the age of mobile phones etc
You think his wife would be chilled out if she knew her husband was looking at nude photos other women showed him, because it's on a mobile phone?

When I found out what my exh had been getting up to, I also discovered that his affair partner's husband had found out months before - and I wished he'd have told me something, as it would have meant a few months' less mental torture and guessing games. So being told is not always a bad thing; it can be good too. If you knew the wife I'd suggest chatting to her and trying very carefully to see if she might already have guessed and just need evidence. But as you don't know her ... tbh if an uninvolved stranger had come to me and told me about my exh I think that would have made me feel even smaller and more ashamed, that everyone else knew about my business but me; that my husband was boasting about his affair to some random person I didn't know but evidently felt sorry for pathetic me.

Agree with the pp about finding less unpleasant friends.

ravenmum · 17/10/2021 10:26

Also, get some help for the lack of self-esteem that's making you call yourself out of touch and question your own basic sense of decency and judgement, to the extent that this unpleasant man knows he can tell you what a shit he is being and you'll just think he must be more down with the kids than you.

RiojaRose · 17/10/2021 10:41

Ugh. Why on earth did he tell you? It’s none of your business and just puts you in a difficult position.

I’d ignore it completely. I wouldn’t tell anyone else, and if he mentioned it again I’d tell him I didn’t want to hear any more about it.

Whatever you do, or don’t do, someone will end up unhappy or angry. The only way to minimise that, in my view, is to stay completely out of it.

LaBellina · 17/10/2021 10:44

Stay out of this mess.
You don’t have all the info as you’re not the person who is married to him. She might know or suspect and for some reason be ok with it. She might also prefer to be blissfully unaware if she would have a choice. This could potentially backfire on you so don’t say anything. And ask him to keep this kind of shit private as you don’t want to know/ it’s putting you in a difficult position.

HolaAmigoz · 17/10/2021 10:45

Are you the same lady who has another 3 threads on here? If you are, you have very weird male friends. You need to look at changing that

billy1966 · 17/10/2021 10:47

I would stay out of it and I would stay away from him too.Flowers

Marineboy67 · 17/10/2021 10:53

So how have you become aware of this, have you gone through his phone and observed these images and messages? Has he told you this is what he does?
I would consider it cheating personally however its not really any of your business. At best you may wish to express your concern to your friend and the consequences of his wife knowing. That's where I'd leave it.

Original poster
notimeforgrieving · 17/10/2021 11:15

No this is my first ever post here. He has told me that he is enjoying exchanging risky messages and pictures with her. We have been good friends for a very long time. I don’t get it, he seems so happy with his wife. But yes, none of my business is it?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/10/2021 11:18

He has told OP; see the second post.
Perhaps enjoying the extra titillation of another person knowing, or seeing someone shocked, thinking OP will be impressed at what a stud he is, or even hoping that OP might be tempted to join in too.

AsCoolAsKimDeal · 17/10/2021 11:25

He said he was just having fun with an old flame There'll be no problem telling his wife then. In fact he probably already has. "So darling, how's Jane? Oh fine, enjoying work, she sent me some fanny shots." Right?

spotcheck · 17/10/2021 11:27

@ravenmum

He has told OP; see the second post. Perhaps enjoying the extra titillation of another person knowing, or seeing someone shocked, thinking OP will be impressed at what a stud he is, or even hoping that OP might be tempted to join in too.
Agree. I'm sure lots of people get up to this kind of crap, but they don't tell everyone about it. He's either getting off on your shock, or likes the 'control' of knowing you are keeping his secret.

I would distance from the male friend, but tell the female friend that he told you about their pictures. I wouldn't want to be friends with her either, tbh

Ultimately, you have no proof, and you have nothing to tell the wife. Chances are, your male friend is good at lying, so you may not achieve anything here.
So, I would keep out.

LemonTT · 17/10/2021 11:32

@notimeforgrieving

No this is my first ever post here. He has told me that he is enjoying exchanging risky messages and pictures with her. We have been good friends for a very long time. I don’t get it, he seems so happy with his wife. But yes, none of my business is it?
And what did you say to him then? He has opened the conversation and even if you were too shocked to comment then, why not now. Tell him you don’t condone it (if that is the case) and you won’t keep his confidence (if that is what you intend).

You still haven’t said what you want to do or why? You are the one who is going to have live with what you do and the impact it will have on others.

MMmomDD · 17/10/2021 11:39

You say nothing as it’s not your business.

However - I do find it strange that you say you have been a good friend with him forever years but barely know his W.
He feels close enough to you to talk about sexting but his W wouldn’t recognise you.
Something is off here.

stealthninjamum · 17/10/2021 11:40

Op sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope this isn’t insensitive but if it had been your husband consider whether this texting would’ve upset you and whether you’d have wanted to know.

Personally if my partner were doing this I’d be distraught and would want to know. To me infidelity isn’t just physical acts but mental acts too and if my partner were putting his energy into this sort of contact with another woman and deceiving me then it would show that our bond wasn’t as strong as I had thought.

Obviously it’s up to you but I would tell the wife. But I would be aware that I would probably lose both friendships and the wife might also shoot the messenger. But I think I would rather not have them as friends anyway.

Opentooffers · 17/10/2021 11:51

So, I think the best you can do in this scenario is to tell your friend that you don't approve of what he's doing and you think it should stop. Then it's up to him, the only leverage you have is your friendship, which is for you to consider as to whether to keep your distance in future. Has he told you the dynamics of his relationship with his wife? Have you considered that if you've been friends for so long, it's a bit odd that you barely know her. Does he have lots of female friends that his wife is not friends with also? I wonder if to him you are one of many exes that he likes keeping close to. Did you ever date in the past?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 12:11

@notimeforgrieving

No this is my first ever post here. He has told me that he is enjoying exchanging risky messages and pictures with her. We have been good friends for a very long time. I don’t get it, he seems so happy with his wife. But yes, none of my business is it?
Your mate sounds like an arsehole.
toocold54 · 17/10/2021 12:46

Honestly just stay out of it, you don’t want to get the blame for anything.

If he says anything to you just tell him you don’t think it’s right and you don’t want him to speak to you about it again.

GameofPhones · 17/10/2021 12:50

How do you even know it's true? Could it have been a joke? Tbh it sounds very unlikely to be true.

tootootaataa · 17/10/2021 13:33

Not your circus. Not your monkeys

spotcheck · 17/10/2021 13:50

@GameofPhones

How do you even know it's true? Could it have been a joke? Tbh it sounds very unlikely to be true.
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