Is it abuse?

[Mummaplum]

I don’t know where to start…I’ve been with my bf for 4 years and we have a 10 month old. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship.
I’m pretty sure I’m in an abusive relationship. I don’t know how many different names I have been called, I’ve been told that he hates me and despises me, that I’m fat, that I’m a cunt, that my face is disgusting, endless insults.
He’s pushed me, never hit me but got in my face, clenching his teeth, threatening to hit me but never has.
I’ve asked him to leave, to get out of my life but he won’t and doesn’t. I said I would help him pack - he said he would leave and take the baby with him because I’m not sane enough to have her (I am on anti depressants for PND) I said if that was the case I would need to be sectioned!
I have a well paid job where I am really well thought of, I’m not abusive (although I have started to shout back) and I know although everyone has their moments, I’m a kind person.
I tried to video him once during an outburst, he saw and snatched the phone from me and deleted the video - started calling me a snake. I just wanted him to see how he spoke to me.
The problem I have is my last relationship was pretty similar, ex with a anger management problem, abusive etc and I ended it with a divorce. He signed the paperwork admitting he had been emotionally abusive.
It just makes me think, am I the problem? I know I treat people with respect. He makes me walk on eggshells continuously, he has bled me dry financially and speaks to me terribly but why am I the one that feels bad.
Not sure what to do? I don’t have a mum and dad so I have nowhere to run too - he won’t leave and threatens to take my baby when he does…just feel trapped

You're not the problem. At all. You don't force men to be abusive.

Does the aggression happen often? He doesn't have to hit you for you to call the police. If you feel scared for your safety you can call them and they'll remove him from the property.

That at least buys you some time.

Call women's aid. They'll help.

Is your 9 year old DD present when this happens? Do you have a friend that you can speak to?

If you have asked him to leave your house and he won't leave you need to dial 999 and get him removed.

Yes to women's aid. Also, tell your friends or someone close that you trust. Do you own your home or rent?

Yes horrible. You probably don't have pnd...your 'symptoms' are probably the result of his abuse.

Abusive men can spot women who have been in abusive relationships before a mile off, so unfortunately it's common to go from one abusive relationship to another. When you leave this man, you'll want to take a long time to be single before trying another relationship. Have you worked through the Freedom programme?

My advice would be to tell your boss what's going on. They can help signpost you to relevant organisations and arrange time off so you can get sorted logistically in order to leave him.

Yes I’m afraid this sounds like abuse.

If you contact Woman’s Aid or your local domestic violence organisation they will help and support you to leave, with your children. (They don’t just deal with physical abuse situations.) They will understand, but will not push you into anything. Don’t worry about being on ADs, it’s very very common for abused women to end up on them, which is hardly surprising when you think about it!

Do not tell your partner you are speaking to them or planning to leave.

You will be able to change your life. In time, dthe Freedom Programme and get counselling and you’ll be able to understand what’s happened in both your relationships and how to avoid such men in future.

Women’s Aid helpline at the bottom of this page. Just because Refuge is mentioned doesn’t mean you have to be asking to enter a refuge, they’ll help you work out the best solution for you.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Did this guy move in with you all are you both on the tenancy or mortgage?

All = or

Yes, it's abuse. He's despicable.

Yes, it’s abuse.

No, you’re not the problem. Having multiple abusive relationships is usually because you’ve been ‘trained’ by previous abusers to ignore red flags: for example if you grew up in a family where there was abuse or alcoholism etc.

Can you contact Women’s Aid? They can help.

It’s happening more and more recently - he is self employed and has been at home a lot more. This morning he called me a ‘cunt’, I’ve asked him to not speak to me that way and he just tells me to leave him alone or go away, saying I’m the one starting the argument etc.
I rent and we are behind in the rent because I was on maternity leave and he wasn’t earning…so I’ll be served notice shortly, although since I have been back at work all the bills are paid.
I have no money because I cover bills, I’ve driven all my friends away from this terrible relationship and I have no family.
My 9 year old is with his dad today and he has heard some of the shouting etc in the past - I’m so worried it’s going to impact him and that I’m not doing enough for both of my children.

You sadly have gone from one abusive relationship to another abusive relationship; this is not an uncommon scenario. You were targeted by this person also similarly as to how your ex targeted you as well.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what example did your parents show you?.

What you're describing here is domestic violence within your home and its absolutely not the place to be raising any children in. He is doing and saying all the usual things such men (and these men hate women, all of them) say and do into keeping you where you are now. They always refuse to leave as well; again that is abuser 101.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your eldest child has seen and heard an awful lot and likely knows nothing his/her life other than seeing you as their mother being abused.

Your ex and this man do not have anger management problems either; they have problems with anger, your anger when you have called them out on their unreasonable behaviour. They are angry primarily because they are abusive, not because they are angry. These men too can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and are likely all sweetness and light to them also. It is for you their abuse is directed at behind closed doors. These men too are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

This man is not at all bothered about his biological child either and he is actively using her as a weapon against you. They more often than not threaten to take the child away from their mother but its an empty threat purely designed to keep you in line. He only cares about his own self and his needs; he does not want the work of caring for a 10 month old. He just wants to "punish" you.

Can you contact Womens Aid safely here by calling them when he is out of the house?. Alternatively can you go to a branch of Boots and use their consultation room?. If you ask for Ani the staff will give you access to such a room where you can contact domestic violence helplines. Another option here is to call the police and get him removed from the property.

You absolutely need to get away from this man and asap safely before he further ruins your children's lives as well as your own. Their childhoods cannot be marred further by abuse because they are being abused too. You need a refuge place urgently.

You would be an ideal person to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme that Womens Aid run; this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. You will learn a lot from it. Abuse like this takes time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery from this has not started yet.

Is the tenancy in your name only?

Contact your friends again. In my experience they come back. Definitely women's aid. You need to be housed. Is it joint tenancy and private? Women's aid will help. I'm sorry. It sounds horrendous.

The tenancy is in my name only.

I think I’ll call women’s aid and get some advice.

It’s just so hard as I just feel like it must be me, the fact my bf has said that to me in the past - what’s the common thread here? He knows about my past relationship

I was with my ex for 15 years and was abused behind close doors the whole time, everyone else thought he was the best thing ever but didn’t realise how he was - it was only when I left that his family saw him for who he is

I will end this for the sake of my children. My dad was physically abusive to my mum - I never witnessed it as we left him when I was 3. He has since passed away and my mum lives in another country.
I just feel alone and trapped - I can’t deal with kindness from anyone as it makes me feel undeserving which probably goes to show how damaged I am.
I just haven’t felt really happiness in such a long time and I don’t want to live my whole life like that.
Sorry for the rambling - I just haven’t spoken to anyone about this so it’s all coming out at once

Some men can spot a damaged or broken woman Plum
You need a plan and WA is a good start.
Sorry he does this. You don't deserve it, it isn't you

Are you and your mum close OP? Do you ever visit her for support?

He targeted you BECAUSE you had experienced being abused in the past.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

We aren’t that close at the moment - she lives a long way away (sorry I don’t want to give too much info) and isnt really talking to me at the moment
She has been upset that I haven’t made much of an effort with her, which I will hold my hands up and say I haven’t but to make excuses, this relationship drains all my resources, plus having a baby and also this situation has unearthed some childhood trauma which I’m not ready to talk through with her
I sound like such a special case, don’t I?!
I feel so unsure of myself - I’m doubting myself and saying that what would I do if he saw anything I had written, he’d tell me that I was being an attention seeker and things aren’t that bad etc
The sad thing is that the way he speaks to me, I’ve started to speak to myself like it!

Oh my lovely - that ticks every single box.

Please contact refuge, women’s aid, tell friends and family

You need expert advice and fast. This is where you start.

You need to get him out your home - he has no right to be there as he’s not on the tenancy. Then you need support to keep him out and not be tempted to try again because he’s changed / he promises to be better / you love him / you know he loves you really / he had a bad childhood / / you don’t want your baby to “ come from a broken home / .

You need to speak to your landlord about the arrears and make an arrangement to pay them back so you can stay.

You need to raise a case with CMS to get your baby’s father to pay child support.

I know this is all really REALLY hard - that’s why you need support to make the decision, implement it and stick with it. If you don’t he will be much MUCH worse if you let him come back.

If you don’t take action soon, it will be taken out of your hands. Your older child will tell his father, who will either tell social services or ask for his son full time. Or the school or a neighbour will find out .

If you think it’s hard now it will be a lot harder with social services involved.

Good luck with contacting women’s aid. Please also tell your friends, employer and your GP. You need a network of support.

I don’t think that’s entirely fair - I have asked him to leave and he hasn’t. He’s manipulative so that means he ends up staying even against my wishes.
I have no money and no family - so nowhere to go or anyone to lean on for help
Please be kind and don’t make me feel like I’m a problem because I’m trying my best, even speaking now is brave

Mummaplum

re your comment:-
"My dad was physically abusive to my mum - I never witnessed it as we left him when I was 3".

So very sorry to read that. You did not have to directly witness either it for abuse to leave its scars (you likely heard an awful lot) and it indeed has had a profound effect on you. It has permeated your life regarding your relationships with men. As RiojaRose also correctly surmises in her comment, "having multiple abusive relationships is usually because you’ve been ‘trained’ by previous abusers to ignore red flags: for example if you grew up in a family where there was abuse or alcoholism etc". You've really been conditioned and or trained here to minimise your own worth and indeed not recognise the red flags. Your comment, "I can’t deal with kindness from anyone as it makes me feel undeserving which probably goes to show how damaged I am" is also symptomatic of someone who has been abused. You absolutely deserve kindness and a life where no abuse of any kind is present. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If the tenancy is in your sole name I believe you can get him out of the property and I would have the police also present when you do this. Womens Aid can also advise; the primary objective needs to be both yours and your children's safety.

Ahhh I only asked as I thought maybe you could visit your mum and have a little break away to clear your head.

Does your partner work as well OP? Honestly I hope you find the strength to leave.

It’s not your fault OP.

Is there anyone at work you can talk to in confidence? You need RL support ideally. Of course this is abuse and you need to get him away for good.

Good luck. You CAN do this 💐