Is it abuse?

[Mummaplum]

I don’t know where to start…I’ve been with my bf for 4 years and we have a 10 month old. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship.
I’m pretty sure I’m in an abusive relationship. I don’t know how many different names I have been called, I’ve been told that he hates me and despises me, that I’m fat, that I’m a cunt, that my face is disgusting, endless insults.
He’s pushed me, never hit me but got in my face, clenching his teeth, threatening to hit me but never has.
I’ve asked him to leave, to get out of my life but he won’t and doesn’t. I said I would help him pack - he said he would leave and take the baby with him because I’m not sane enough to have her (I am on anti depressants for PND) I said if that was the case I would need to be sectioned!
I have a well paid job where I am really well thought of, I’m not abusive (although I have started to shout back) and I know although everyone has their moments, I’m a kind person.
I tried to video him once during an outburst, he saw and snatched the phone from me and deleted the video - started calling me a snake. I just wanted him to see how he spoke to me.
The problem I have is my last relationship was pretty similar, ex with a anger management problem, abusive etc and I ended it with a divorce. He signed the paperwork admitting he had been emotionally abusive.
It just makes me think, am I the problem? I know I treat people with respect. He makes me walk on eggshells continuously, he has bled me dry financially and speaks to me terribly but why am I the one that feels bad.
Not sure what to do? I don’t have a mum and dad so I have nowhere to run too - he won’t leave and threatens to take my baby when he does…just feel trapped

You are being very brave in speaking out like this.

There is indeed help out there for you but you are going to have to be further brave here and take the first step out, often the hardest one here, on your own. After taking that hard initial step it will get a lot easier going forward. Remember too that the only level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abusive men always but always refuse to leave; he has a cushy existence with you as his personal skivvy to abuse along with a child that likely also has his surname rather than yours. Why would he want to give all that up?. He being the lazy abuser he is does not want to have to put in any extra work to find some other sap of a woman to woo and ultimately (these men really do hate women and ALL of them) to cook and clean for him whilst he swans about.

@Mummaplum

I don’t think that’s entirely fair - I have asked him to leave and he hasn’t. He’s manipulative so that means he ends up staying even against my wishes. I have no money and no family - so nowhere to go or anyone to lean on for help Please be kind and don’t make me feel like I’m a problem because I’m trying my best, even speaking now is brave

No one here thinks you are the problem, I promise you.

No one here thinks you are to blame for his actions.

Yes you have made a good first step to talk about it here. Now you need to reach out for RL help, as you have planned.

It’s clear that he’s not going to change and he’s not going to leave unless you make him. So STOP talking to him about this and use all your energy to make a plan and implement it.

STOP trying to persuade him that he’s wrong - it won’t work. Just go ‘grey rock’ on him ( Google it ).

You are not helpless, even though you might feel that way. You have a good well paid job so you must be a smart and competent woman.

You can do this. It won’t be easy but you and your kids will have a better life.

You don't need to.leave OP, he does. Pack his bags the next time he I out, and I mean chuck his shut in bin bags and put them out the door and lock it. Try and get the locks changed.

The abuse that happened to you is not your fault. It is all on the perpetrators.

Your main focus now is to get your abuser out of your day to day lives.

I would urge you also to do this going forward:-
Re your mother I would find a BACP registered therapist to work with re your relationship with her. You won't get what you want from your mother as she is not built that way. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could also help.

I would also look at further cutting back the level of contact your son has with your ex H as he also abused you. Was this contact court ordered or an informal arrangement?.

The next time he is out
Chuck his shit in bin bags

You've got this OP. From this point on don't do anything for him. Protect yourself and your DC at all costs. Call the police and tell them he is emotionally abusive and you fear for your safety. The way he gets in your face is physically threatening and only one step away from physical assault. They should take this seriously.

Speak to your landlord. As a landlord myself I would do everything I could to help someone in your situation, but if I didn't know and just thought you were taking the piss I'd of course start eviction proceedings.

I came from a toxic home as a child to an abusive relationship and another until I finally snapped and broke the cycle. Please make this your moment to recognise that you are deserving of being treated kindly. That no matter how much you tell him how much he upsets you, he won't change because he doesn't care. You don't need this arsehole in your life, you need to know how much it will improve once you take that step and get rid of him.

Police. Landlord. Freedom programme. You'll get there OP. Just take that first step.

Thank you for all your advice and support.

I will make the change, I don’t want to live with regret or do anything that will impact my children.

Thank you for your kindness - it means a lot

Sorry one last question…
My BF has said in previous arguments, who would want you now? Two kids with two different dads
I am certainly not looking to jump into another relationship for a LONG time as I need to work on myself, but is there hope for the future that there are kind men out there?
I’ve never been in a relationship with a kind man

Yes, there are kind men out there who won’t hold your past against you.

But I strongly recommend doing the Freedom Programme and giving yourself some head space before you even consider getting into another relationship, because there are also plenty of abusers out there and they will target you. You need to learn how to spot them.

By the way, the ‘two kids with different dads’ line is the kind of misogynistic bullshit that is typical of abusive men.

Those words he used were designed to hurt. Do not give those any more power.

Yes there are kind men out there. But as you rightly state, you need to work on you, your boundaries and your life first. This is also where therapy and the Freedom programme will come into their own.

I have 2 kids (now adults) by 2 different dads and I've got a boyfriend.
I don't think he cares about my children's fathers.

After I left my emotionally abusive husband I vowed to stay single forever as I was done with men, but years down the line here I am with a partner.
We won't live together or share finances but we have a great relationship.
We are both independent, have great lives and enhance each others lives.
You need to find happiness in yourself and your life before you let any man in.
If me and my partner split I'd be a bit sad but my life is great with or without him.

It’s just so hard as I just feel like it must be me, the fact my bf has said that to me in the past - what’s the common thread here? He knows about my past relationship

Jesus, my ex used this one, though he had a psycho ex and the common thread was he said he kept choosing the same psycho women apparently.

I'm not a psycho, there's nothing wrong with you, you must get away from him.

It's not your fault, don't ever think that ❤️
Next time he's out contact WA get some advice, can you contact your LL and arrange to pay off the rent arrears, Google any benefits you may be entitled to, be proactive.
Getting him out of your house could be a big problem and you may need the help of the police, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Come back and update us, as you will see from the majority of the posts we are rooting for you

@Mummaplum

Sorry one last question… My BF has said in previous arguments, who would want you now? Two kids with two different dads I am certainly not looking to jump into another relationship for a LONG time as I need to work on myself, but is there hope for the future that there are kind men out there? I’ve never been in a relationship with a kind man

I know loads of people who have children with 2 (or more) dads. Most men who are happy to have a relationship with a woman with children don't really care whether they're with 1 man or more.

Im so sorry to hear how things are for you atm.
You say you have no money but it sounds as if you are paying bills etc now.
Phone women's aid. Ask for help. Reach out to your friends and explain what's been happening, why you've lost touch-my guess is the good ones will rally round. Be brave and do it -it will give you an advantage as he will never believe you would do it.
Once you've done it and you are free you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel and how differentyour life can be.

Phone the police the next time he refuses to leave. If you say you feel threatened by him they’ll have him out in no time. You need to get away from this abuser ASAP.

No it's not your op,ask him to leave and if he doesn't call the police and have him removed x

You actually have quite a lot of insight into yourself and your situation so that will really stand you in good stead OP.

All abusers says “Who’d want you now?” - it’s one of many shared tactics that you can learn about eg on the Freedom Programmr.

Also financial abuse is an acknowledged thing these days. Women’s Aid or Shelter (who also understand a suite relationships) can advise about the rent etc.

You could also ask for help from health visitor, school parent liaison person, GP, employer or police 101, whoever you’d feel most comfortable with or are most accessible.

Shelter understand *abusive relationships

So he would take the baby.....and take her where, exactly? I assume he has the childcare all sorted out then, or he's willing to do 100% of her parenting? Feeding, changing nappies, playing, ect?

Some bullies needs to be shouted at OP. Some people shout at each other in arguments. Also, just because someone doesn't shout, doesn't make them a nice person all of a sudden. There are some people who quietly seethe and plot their twisted revenge who might not shout at all.

Shouting doesn't make you an 'abuser', but it can muddy the waters at time as to who is being abusive, also when men do it to women it can be particularly intmidating. It can give the other person a foothold to accuse you of being the aggressor, when in fact it may be the total opposite. It's just something to be mindful of. Also, if you have tried to film him, know that he may do the same with you. He might do something really nasty, have you shouting, then only film part of it and then use it against you. Please know that after your last abusive relationship, your boundaries and sense of normal might be all over the place so it doesn't surprise me you've ended up with another horrible man.

I don’t know how many different names I have been called, I’ve been told that he hates me and despises me, that I’m fat, that I’m a cunt, that my face is disgusting, endless insults. He’s pushed me, never hit me but got in my face, clenching his teeth, threatening to hit me but never has

I find it unbelievable that a child is in this environment and I wonder what effect that is having on them emotionally and on their schoolwork. You need to get yourself out of the fog that you are now in for their sake.

I don't think he's just abusive. I think he's dangerous OP. He is using his superior physical strength as a man to intimidate you. Do you think he would square-up like this to a 6'5 massive, gym-going guy in this way?? How do you think that would end for him, eh? Some men have such hot tempers that they'll behave this way towards anyone, but most of them pick who they do this to very carefully. If he clenched his teeth in this way and threatened to hit a guy like this down your local pub, he would either get thrown out or he would be on the floor.....yet in your home he thinks he can do it with no consequences.

He's pathetic OP and you have a duty to keep you and your children safe and provide a stable, positive, calm environment....which this isn't.

Please contact the police, Women's Aid and legal help. I'm concerned you will end up in the papers one day as another woman who's been killed by her partner :/ He hasn't hit you yet, but he's certainly going in that direction. Please get out.

Earthsight gives great insight (!) into how shouting might play out in such a relationship, and how bullies always pick on someone physically weaker than themselves.

However, the fact that you find it “unbelievable” that children are in that situation is a bit strange. Sadly, there are many mothers feeling trapped in abusive situations, their children with them.

Everyone has to take the first step, which is often contacting professionals who can help both you and the children OP.

Yes there is a risk of this escalating to physical attack, and a domestic violence advisor will assess this and advise accordingly. Hopefully the OP will be well away before things get to that stage.

@JanglyBeads Unbelievable as in shocked and dismayed at what the children must be experiencing. Everyone has to take the first step, as you say.

I fear the OP is not hearing the alarm bells loudly enough. It may be that she doesn't think he will go on to actually hit her, so she still feels she has some time until she propels herself out of that door. It's good that she's posted here. Hopefully she will get help.

I wanted to add something OP -

but is there hope for the future that there are kind men out there?

Your mind should not be on this topic at all. Really. It tells me that you are not taking this threat seriously enough, because there's still psychological space for you to ponder about the future, about how attractive or not attractive you would be as a partner in future, if you left him. If you were thinking with clarity, if you were thinking about this as seriously as you should, that would be the last thing on your mind right now. You would be consumed with planning your exit and forging a life for yourself where you can be as happy as possible without a man.

However, I'm still going to address it if it means giving you some extra strength to get out.

Let's say you stayed with him because he's been able to convince you that you're abusive, and that no one else will want you. Are you saying that you would trust this man to be kind to you and look after you in ill health and old age?? I think you might have mentioned the fact that you have a decent job.....if he's like this when you have a decent job, what do you think he'd be like if you were made redundant and you were even more vulnerable than you are now? There's so much hatred spewing out of him. How can you trust him to support you through situations like that?

I would say you would genuinely be better off single forever than stay with him. Yes, it might be lonely at times, but generally speaking I would say your house would be a more loving, safer place and you would have more psychological room to expand into hobbies than friends. You'd also have more money. Feeling safe is the bedrock of any relationship. It's more important than being romantically loved even. Without safety, how can you trust someone. From what I've read so far, I don't think you have either.

Also, don't listen to the whole 'no one will want you' nonsense. If he thought he was that amazing in comparison, he would have been off by now.....but he's not, because he knows most women wouldn't want to stay in such a toxic environment with an abusive twat who makes threats to hit their partner. Do not let such a person brainwash you.

Also OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Reaching out for help is the first step in achieving a better life.

This is a seriously abusive relationship. It's not your fault. Recognising the abuse is the first step. Wanting it to end is the second.

1. Talk to women's aid and organise practical support and an escape plan. It's so important to stay safe and they can help you with police response etc.

1. Talk to DWP about UC and make a claim/update your claim to single status. They will also be able to put you in touch with their homeless outreach worker (you are at risk of losing your current home).

1. Try to come to an agreement with your current landlines about your arrears if you want to stay there. You may want to move anyway.

1. Put everything you need photos/forms/passports etc somewhere safe - work if you can't leave with a friend.

1. Try to stay calm and not to rock the boat too much.

Good luck and try not to worry too much about what has happened. What happens next is the important thing