Trigger- attempted suicide mentioned. Exh's partner.

[tempnamechange0987]

This is long. If you can read it all then thank you. I need perspective.

ExH is in a relationship with P. They live together with her DC & my DC visit most weekends. All DC are primary age.

Often DC 1 will go to daddy’s on Friday night, but DC2 chooses to go on Saturday am, I think due to being tired but there maybe more to it. This is fine with EXH & I. I typically drop DC2 off when they are ready. Yesterday, I took DC2 to meet P & DC1 as ExH was at an appointment. There was confusion over the drop off arrangements & P was not expecting us, she made this clear in front of DC but said it was fine for him to stay. I asked Dc what he wanted & he said ‘I don’t mind’ so I took him into the park with the intention of staying for a bit & heading off once DC were settled. ExH would be there in approx one hour.

As we walked together, P made it clear to me that their morning had been‘disrupted’ by DC2 being able to choose when he goes there. I tried to explain the upheaval he is experiencing to her & how he needs us to be accommodated with kindness. She told me to ‘step up & be a parent’ & to ‘stop trying to be their best friend’ as well as other unpleasant things. When I told her to stop criticising me & my DC she said ‘look at your child’. I don’t know why she said this; both DC are well liked, kind DC both in & outside school. No real issues with their behaviour. I was very hurt, took both of my DC home (I wasn’t comfortable leaving them with her). I was visibly distressed & the DC were worried for me. I said I was ok but that P had been unkind to mummy & that’s not ok so we left. The DC did not hear any of P & my conversation.

There is a lot more to this. Since the beginning P has had it in for me. She’s been repeatedly nasty to me - mostly on text. She goes in cycles of picking what she perceives to be my personality apart, to apologising, then doing it all again.

Once she attempted to kill herself with all DC in her care (ex h was there). Dc did not know what she had done. My partner & I helped by getting her medical care & looking after her DC as well as my own. After this, I told ExH I did not want her caring for our DC, but a psychiatrist saw her & said she was not a risk to the DC & exh resumed the relationship with her & DC after reassurances from her.

Now, I am gutted, so confused. She has a complex background; abuse, fractured relationships, physical health issues. The main issue is that she is so nasty to me. Accused me of being either ‘controlling’, ‘passive’, ‘looking down my nose’ & of ‘faking’ my upset caused by her etc. She does not like ExH & I being friendly & tries to block or control contact between us. She tried to get us to agree to only be in touch at specific times.

I am frightened for my DC who are stuck with her & for myself as she’s in my life now too. ExH acknowledges it all but says he can’t/won’t leave- they are in couples therapy.

I am happy so with my DP & ExH & I are fine too. I just want to get on with life, but P is continually disruptive & I can’t get away from her due to the DC. I have now blocked her. I never insult her back, I just try to rise above it, but she channels so much anger at me. ExH had told me she ‘hates’ me & I am on edge at what she will do next.

I’m exhausted & sleep deprived from the stress of knowing my DC will be with her for the next 24hours.

Thank you for getting this far. Advice welcomed, please be gentle I’m so run down.

Is there a legal contact order in place?

No because Ex h & I both agree our contact times. I don't believe I am able to stipulate whether or not she can see them when in his care.

I would be wanting to ensure that the DC are never in her sole care and your exH does all pick ups and drop offs. She was no reason to contact you at all.

Stay very calm with your ex and just be "I think it's in the DC best interests of contact is like this way for the time being" I would also be reminding how damaging it is to his DC to have their mum criticised and demonised by P.

It's a tough situation as I think escalating things will provide the drama she wants and will up the anti against you but some firm boundaries so you aren't alone in her presence would be good.

Yes, I think she 'enjoys' the drama. ExH is similar but not nearly as bad. They seem to get themselves into a twist & somehow involve me. I tell them not to, don't rise to it etc. DP is great, very calm & helps but there are times when only I can do drop offs. I will def say no contact with beg forgiveness now but sadly my DC do not have this as an option due to their dad only seeing them with her present. I asked him to promise they won't be left with her & he said he can't agree this. They are all meant to be going abroad on holiday together over Xmas.

No idea why that says 'beg forgiveness'

I also think it is best that when they go there, your exH is there with them at all times.

Perhaps a frank conversation with your ex.
If she is saying abusive things to your face, what on earth is she saying in front of them.

Also, re what the psychiatrist said.... She may not actually physically harm the children, but she is creating an unstable environment for your children. THAT is unhealthy, and as their parent, you have a right to be concerned.
Can you scale back, or adapt their visiting schedule?

I'd only communicate with the father and explain to him why -that their relationship drama is nothing to do with you. You will only drop DC off or have him pick them up -due to her abuse. If she wants to do pick ups and drop off -she needs to apologise for her rude comments -and I'll tell your ex H what she has said.
I'd phone him and say you can't continue that you aren't involved with them and not up to be abused by anyone.

Her attempted suicide previously is completely irrelevant to what's going on now if you've been happy with your children to go there until now.

Tell ExH you are not willing to have any contact with her and he must be present at all pick ups and drop offs.

I wish I could scale back visits & I 100% agree about the emotional impact on them. We are very close & they are open with me. They've told me at times she is 'too strict' & that she shouts. ExH has apparently now told her to stop this & the dc seem fine with her. I try to shield them but I also need them to know that bullying is not too, I fear she will start on them sooner or later. ExH buried his head, continually says she's lovely with them & she'd never hurt them. Recognises the nastiness towards me but overlooks it.

Bullying Not ok that should say

Yeah I think your Ex needs to ensure that he’s the one collecting the kids, or at the very least that he’s the one who comes to the door for them. You shouldn’t have any further contact with this woman, she sounds unstable.

In all honesty you need a frank conversation with your ex, say you really think she's unhinged and also make it clear to him you care about him as a friend and not f he needs help to leave you and your dp are there for him. Remind him p is not his responsibility if hes not happy but the kids are and they need a dad. Would him coming to you for contact time work so they don't stay at his, or perhaps he could take them to his parents? I would not be comfortable based on what you have said with them staying overnight

Let Ex do all the pick ups and drop offs. Don't make a fuss if she is with him but it means at that moment she doesn't have sole care of them and she can sit in the car and not come near you.

I have spoken very frankly to ExH a number of times. He says 'he knows' but cannot/ will not leave. I tell him he & the dc deserve better, but he says he loves her. I think it's got a lot to do with them co-owning a home.
I will say no contact between her & i at drop offs & ask him to let them stay with me overnight.
Thank you for the advice so far

He has no family or close friends nearby. He doesn't want contact at my house.

...& she would not 'allow' him to be at my house.

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to have a more open conversation with you about P’s mental health and how it makes them feel? Can they see a counsellor and speak about this? It may be useful to do this and then arrange a more formal contract agreement with THEIR physical and emotional safety taken into consideration. She sounds rather dangerous, tbh.

Also, life isn’t always about what HE wants.

There's no way I'd be happy with them going abroad with them. She's unstable and has it in for you and I'd worry about my dc's safety tbh.
She may be lovely to them in front of your ex but maybe he's seeing what he wants to and maybe when alone with your dc she is utterly vile. I think dc2 not wanting to stay overnight is very telling so that's certainly a red flag and going abroad with them- no way.
Your ex I'd worry is blinkered.
I'd be asking that he sees his dc away from her and his home at least until he's worked through this couple counselling they are attending. As a good father he should understand.
Your dc are precious and I'd not be risking them being around her.

Yes thank you I feel all of this. Unfortunately I don't believe I have any legal right to prevent contact with her?
I understand I can stop them from going abroad however.

I’m really sorry I don’t have any advice, however my ex, ds father married an awful woman and sadly the only way we could continue was nil contact between ex and myself and as a result of ds being made to feel so unwelcome there he now has virtually no relationship with his dad.

Very sad - I hope your ex has more balls than mine did and puts his kids first!

To add, they have only been together for 18months & the self harm incident took place as they were in the process of buying a home together. Of course she later blamed me for 'causing' this but with no explanation as to how or why- I didn't respond so couldnt ask.

@Arabelladrinkstea this is my fear 😔

I've no idea on your legal standing but there must be something you can do if you are in a situation where you are worried about the welfare of your dc.
She has no legal right to your dc therefore she should be able to be kept away surely.
I'd arrange to meet ex, tell him you want them nowhere near her, offer even for him to come to your home to see them.If she puts her foot down to this ( which she will) there's proof of her controlling behaviour which will play into your hands and you've shown yourself to be more than reasonable by trying to facilitate access between your dc and their father.
If you and he can't work something out between you then I'd speak to someone who knows how you stand legally.
Look after yourself and your dc OP. I'd not be risking having her damaging their relationship with their father or their own wellbeing.