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Original poster

Why would a guy wait for his gf to end the relationship

31 replies

sroseym · 16/10/2021 19:16

So a work mate is in a very unhappy relationship he and his gf have both cheated on each other, they argue all the time. it's very toxic and very immature. He's a bit older than me he's around 30. He said he was so unhappy but waiting for her to end it because he's too much of a coward.

I was a little bit dumb struck. How can u stay such an unhappy relationship. I think it's been bad for around 2 years Confused

OP posts:
MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 16/10/2021 19:23

Sex.

It's there, it's easy, and he doesn't have to be out trying for it every weekend.

When it's taken away he'll have to but until then....

Maybe I'm cynical 😂

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/10/2021 19:27

Some people are terrified of being alone.

Beware of him dropping subtle hints that you might make an excellent replacement...

SpangoDweller · 16/10/2021 19:27

Probably an element of truth as to what @MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast says but I reckon it’s just so he can leave the door open. If you end something it’s final, but if someone chucks you then has a change of heart and comes back to try again, it can make some people feel powerful. Seems likely enough in a toxic and immature relationship.

Original poster
sroseym · 16/10/2021 19:30

I'm a bloke my daughter is called rosey. He's defo not after me lol. Wanted to see from a female perspective. He's 6 years older than me so I find it strange. He says he doesn't want to break her heart so instead is awful so that she dumps him.
This has been going on for a while. I don't think she will lol

OP posts:
hg165 · 16/10/2021 19:35

Possibly he's a coward

Possibly he's more interested in having a good guy image and doesn't want to look like the bad one for ending it. Much easier to be the one who's dumped and then play the victim

Possibly he's scared of being alone

Possibly (and personally I think most likely) is that he's not as unhappy as he wants you to believe and is looking for female attention/sympathy and is trying to move on with you before officially ending it.

I read somewhere that females are more likely to end a relationship when they reach their BS tolerance. Men are more likely to leave when they have their next relationship lined up

hg165 · 16/10/2021 19:36

@sroseym

I'm a bloke my daughter is called rosey. He's defo not after me lol. Wanted to see from a female perspective. He's 6 years older than me so I find it strange. He says he doesn't want to break her heart so instead is awful so that she dumps him. This has been going on for a while. I don't think she will lol
Sorry our posts crossed.

I still think he'll be lining up his next relationship even if it's not you

ScrumptiousBears · 16/10/2021 19:38

My dad cheated on my mum. He made home life so bad until she left him. I think he was a coward and couldn't do it himself and also he always told us "it's your mums fault, she's the one who left".

That's just my personal experience. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 19:38

That’s pretty common from the type of passive man who also wants to be thought of as ‘a good guy’ and thinks the key to this is not doing the dumping (plus he may genuinely believe his girlfriend would never recover from losing irreplaceable him). So he acts like an arse, is (one hopes) dumped, and gets to claim sympathy because he got ditched — cue predictable rant about how women don’t appreciate nice guys.

Original poster
sroseym · 16/10/2021 19:48

He's tried to end it with her multiple times. She's storms off and then comes back to work on it guilt tripping him. It's pretty Bizarre. Never known any thing like it.

OP posts:
SoItWas · 16/10/2021 19:50

I'm assuming they live together? Is he afraid of where he'll go and how he'll cope if he leaves? Where would he go, do they rent or own?

Does she still do wife work for him? Do they have kids?

He shouldn't be being awful, no matter what. He can't be a prick then whine "but she did this", "but she did that", "if she doesn't like it, she should leave".

Maybe she feels like she couldn't cope in one way or another, without him?

God only knows what's going on behind the scenes.

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 19:54

@sroseym

He's tried to end it with her multiple times. She's storms off and then comes back to work on it guilt tripping him. It's pretty Bizarre. Never known any thing like it.
But no one can force him to remain in a relationship with her, surely. I mean, you don’t need someone’s blessing or permission to end your relationship with them. What’s stopping him just moving out?
Original poster
sroseym · 16/10/2021 19:54

They live together been together about 11 years no kids, just toxic. She does every thing for him home wise. He doesn't lift a finger. He's very powerful at work but sounds weak at home. When he said he has tried to end it I think she throws what she does back in his face.

All his own doing mind. I don't feel bad for him

OP posts:
Lovelymincepies · 16/10/2021 19:57

He’s a bloke, loads stay with women if they get everything done got them. Little mummy’s boys that they are 🤷‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 16/10/2021 19:58

Cowardice; not wanting to he seen/presented as the bad guy; wanting to be seen as the victim; a belief that women are 'emotional' and will cry and plead with them to try again; sex; logistics (living arrangements, finances etc); a lot of people just have really shit boundaries and there is so much emphasis on being at school (eg letting someone play your game even if you don't want to) that a lot of people reach adulthood unable to state or enforce boundaries.

GreyCarpet · 16/10/2021 19:59

*being nice

Bollindger · 16/10/2021 20:00

Yeah, a house keeper cost more than his live in partner.
Also he likes the buzz of fighting with her, and she comes back grateful.
If anyone looked his way he would be off, but no one has so he will stay till he finds a replacement.

ILoveHauls · 16/10/2021 20:01

@sroseym

They live together been together about 11 years no kids, just toxic. She does every thing for him home wise. He doesn't lift a finger. He's very powerful at work but sounds weak at home. When he said he has tried to end it I think she throws what she does back in his face.

All his own doing mind. I don't feel bad for him

He does it because he has a housekeeper who pays half the bills who he shags.
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 16/10/2021 20:07

They are both getting something out of the drama.

He needs sex and household services.
She needs to be able to start sentences with, "My boyfriend...."

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 20:09

You have only heard his side of the story though. They bought sound co-dependent on each other that is why they stay together. She is hardly dragging him back in chains so he is an adult he could leave but chooses to stay. Life too short for all that drama. Have you met her and what is she like. Lots of men/women complain all the time about their partner to other's which I find disrespectful, if you are not happy and things are crap then talk to each other, break up and leave. How many years is he complaining about her now?

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 20:10

sorry 'they both'

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 20:11

Just read the bit where you said he is awful to her in the hope she dumps him, he sounds mean, he is an adult, just just pack bags, tell her he is going and it is over for good. Maybe he is not the nice guy that you think he is as sounds like a coward and a mean one at that.

MintJulia · 16/10/2021 20:16

If she ends it, he can't be blamed, can't be held responsible and in his head there's always the possibility for a posterity bonk at a later date.

Or it could just be sheer laziness.

Original poster
sroseym · 16/10/2021 20:26

Yes I think there is co depending going on. Yes I've met her. He's far from perfect but she is controlling. They are both bad for each other and need to depart. I doubt they will though.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 16/10/2021 20:29

@sroseym

He's tried to end it with her multiple times. She's storms off and then comes back to work on it guilt tripping him. It's pretty Bizarre. Never known any thing like it.
It's definitely not unusual or rare for people to stay in toxic relationships.

They've been together since they were around 19 or so and one thing I've noticed with men who have been with their partner from a young age is that even when they act like shits, have no respect for their partner and don't seem to want to be in the relationship it is very common for them to freak out and go crazy at the thought of her being with another man after him, so often they seem to stay together even if they're miserable because they don't want her to be with someone else.

But for all toxic relationships the lows are so bad that the highs seem really good and intense...only because it is in comparison to how bad the lows were, the highs generally aren't even that good or long lasting but people get addicted to the cycle of it!

It's very possible you don't know the story either, he could have been begging for her back lots of times for all you know!

Personally (i'm female) I stayed trapped in a relationship because my ex threatened suicide, I couldn't leave because the sense of obligation was too overwhelming!

xfan · 17/10/2021 05:37

It's actually hard and so much bother to start up again another relationship (and after being with someone for a while), the thought of having to do it (the apps/the shitty dates/dates/relationships going nowhere etc etc), no wonder so many people can't be bothered to leave crap relationships ....I don't agree, I'm just saying it's a potential reason.

Also @MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast
"Sex" - at least it's familiar and who can be bothered to look for it every weekend...
And @EvenMoreFuriousVexation
"Some people are terrified of being alone"

And I agree with the following anecdotal statement: men don't leave unless they've got another woman lined up (obvs exc serious abuse etc). but more often than not, they'll stay put until someone else shows up. There is a statistic somewhere that most divorce proceedings are instigated by women.