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Original poster

Have I been conditioned to be his housemate?

42 replies

Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 09:48

I've given up on my marriage after years of trying it has all become too much. But, DH seems happy with the set up. Separate rooms, separate lives. However we watch TV together most evenings and this appears to fill DHs connection cup.

We get along ok as friends. He hasn't been loving in a long time or is in fits and spurts. He sabotages good times like holidays and celebrations by being awkward and doesn't contribute, appearing miserable and joyless on occasions that ought to be fun.

He told me a couple of months ago that love embarrasses him. That he finds it all a bit wet-lettuce. He has never had any relationship before me. I think he was driven by love hormones in the beginning and all the romance and loveliness was temporary. We married quickly, had children quickly and this is what's left.

When things have been loving and romantic he has often become silly and child-like. He can't be loving and be an adult.

It dawned on me when we were watching TV together last night, that this is probably what he has wanted deep down all along. He's quite possessive of me and would be jealous if I started a new relationship but he's clearly uncomfortable with the idea of love. All the times I've shouted at him, developed a plan for more time together and date nights and he has sabotaged them, it's because he never wanted a romantic relationship isn't it?

He wouldn't be without me, he definitely relies and depends on me, but he doesn't really "want" me.

All along, all the awkward and sabotaging behaviour was supposed to lead to this I think. Have I been conditioned by him to be his housemate? I probably need to leave him, but it's so hard when this is all I know and we're not arguing. Should I rock the boat more? I don't want to argue and create an atmosphere for the children, but he's got what he always wanted deep down hasn't he?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 09:49

Yes - how old are the children? I would say yes he is happy and you need to make plans to leave

Original poster
Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 09:49

To add, I'm only 33. He's 42.
I never imagined that married life would end up like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 09:50

The children are 2 and 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 09:50

*3 and 5

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 16/10/2021 09:51

Yes, sounds like it. What was his childhood like?

Do you have sex or has he had a low sex drive?

MushMonster · 16/10/2021 09:55

It sounds to me like this is his idea of love. He loves you his way, which is a kind of detached one. And nothing wrong with that, but it is not your kind of love.
To be happy, you will have to leave, as sad as it is.
Best luck OPFlowers

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 09:57

Yes I think you need to get out - otherwise you will be so unhappy and trapped and they will see that

beingsunny · 16/10/2021 10:02

I was actually thinking about creating my own thread when I read this.

I have a DP of six years, we stopped having sex in March completely, we don't do anything together, the only thing he ever doesn't with me is watch tv. I'm utterly miserable, I've actually told him it's all over and I don't want this life but he won't actually leave.

I don't know if he thinks this is what relationships are actually like and is content with someone to share the rent, bills and car with.

I'm only 41, surely there's more to having a partner than this, which is why you're also posting about it.

I think leaving is going to be inevitable, but given there's no big drama or fighting, you will likely do as I have and delay and delay.

I suggest you start building a new life in parallel, spend more time with friends and family, start thinking about your finances in the future.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I know how sad it feels.

Mischance · 16/10/2021 10:02

Well - he is who he is. I can understand that you feel a bit let down; but he is not going to change - it is part of his personality.

If you feel that your differences of needs and temperament are not how you want to spend your life, then it would be reasonable to discuss whether you should part company. You do not want to live your life building up resentments about something that cannot be changed.

But you may decide that the positives outweigh the negatives.

It is just important that you plan your (and your children's) future on the basis that what you see is what you get - he is not going to change his personality.

layladomino · 16/10/2021 10:10

Yes I think you need to leave.

He is happy now. He's wanted this all along from what you say. He's been awkward, sabotaged what would have been good times, withheld affection, and got to the point where he has exactly what he wants. He knows that isn't what you want but that doesn't matter to him.

He is happy and so isn't going to change anything. But you are not. And you've been manipulated in to a situation you didn't want to be in.

A good relationship includes affection, intimacy, having fun together, wanting the other to be happy. Your DH might not want those things, but that doesn't mean you should give up on them for yourself. Life's too short.

Original poster
Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 10:11

I think he prefers having sex with himself than sharing it with me. He has told me that he masturbates (so do I) but that also, sometimes there is pornography involved.

I haven't wanted to sleep with him in a good few months as he's also gaining more and more weight and smells due to a medical issue caused by unhealthy habits. I think the weight gain is also an act of sabotage.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/10/2021 10:37

Your husband wanted A Wife and he got one.

An arranged marriage to a pretty lady who was willing to have babies and do housework for him might have suited him well. In fact, it would probably be a more honest arrangement as both parties would know it was arranged and what the purpose of the union was. He wanted a more practical engagement with a housemate he has sex with every now and again, not a loving marriage it seems.

he's also gaining more and more weight and smells due to a medical issue caused by unhealthy habits. I think the weight gain is also an act of sabotage

That's grim, and pretty antisocial for you as I can't imagine many friends wanting to visit your house if they have to sit next to a smelly man.

He sabotages good times like holidays and celebrations by being awkward and doesn't contribute, appearing miserable and joyless on occasions that ought to be fun

Fuck that. I don't know what the right thing to do is regarding kids, but if you can manage financially, it sounds like you would be happier alone. I'm in my 30s too and it's sad thinking of a 33 year old woman with a husband like this. He sounds a bit of a grey cloud. Some people would say he's depressed but as you say, it's probably the life he wanted and his needs are generally met right now whereas yours aren't at all.

Hayden62 · 16/10/2021 10:44

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2021 10:51

What are you getting out of this?.

There is already an atmosphere for the children; they can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two and they know on some level that something is not quite right.

His needs are fully met and yours are not. You only have to give your own self permission to leave. Also consider what you're both modelling in relationship terms to your kids currently. Would you want them to potentially have a relationship like this as adults, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one for what are really your own reasons. Do not use your children at all as a reason to stay with such a man because they won't say "thanks mum" for staying with him. They could well instead accuse you of being weak and putting him before them.

Original poster
Notthatblunt · 16/10/2021 23:08

As odd as it sounds, it would be easier to leave if we argued, but we don't really. There's just nothing.
And he facilitates other elements of my life that I like such as being able to go to the gym amongst other things. He never complains if I leave him with the children. But I definitely feel very much alone. I don't think he really has my back either.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/10/2021 23:13

You’re only 33, you can’t have this as your life for 40 more years.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/10/2021 23:14

My mother recently died. She was in her 80's and lived a life I would not have chosen. If I draw anything from this traumatic experience, it is as follows. Life is short. Shorter than you can ever think at your age. Learn to want more from life than a platonic relationship with a man who has BO, and psychological issues. He cannot be fixed, but you can. You can look in the mirror and determine that you are worth more than your current situation. Then leave, while you have youth, health and determination on your side.

ArranMumma · 16/10/2021 23:15

Omg you’re so young. Yes bloody leave him!!!!! Are you gonna just be someone’s housemate forever!?

Anothernick · 16/10/2021 23:42

A sexless relationship is unnatural and unlikely to endure - look at the threads about successful LTRs, many of them say that sex is a key factor that keeps the relationship strong. And they're right IMO.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 17/10/2021 00:23

Is "love" the right word? Does he love his children?

Or is it "sex" or "intimacy" that he doesn't like?

Is he gay? Lazy? Entitled? Asexual? Afraid to show vulnerability?

Original poster
Notthatblunt · 17/10/2021 05:57

Intimacy is probably the correct word. And I mean love in the romantic context.

He's unable to show vulnerability definitely but I'd also say he may be asexual and he's definitely lazy.

I think he may also be on the spectrum as he struggles greatly with emotions, which was masked in the beginning when he was high on oxytocin.

OP posts:
BeMoreHedgehog · 17/10/2021 06:01

Oh my, is the bar set so low in that being happy to be left with his own children is a plus point? And taking everything else into account, get out whilst you are still young xx

ivykaty44 · 17/10/2021 06:28

He wouldn't be without me, he definitely relies and depends on me, but he doesn't really "want" me

He wants things on his terms

What do you want?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/10/2021 06:57

It doesn't matter that you don't argue - or would he argue if you told him a few home truths?

This relationship is over. Dead in the water. You're 33. Please leave OP. Staying so you have free childcare to go to the gym is really sad. I'm a single parent so completely understand that you want to do things but in the grand scheme of things that's no reason to stay together.

You're clearly very unhappy and this will really effect your children. Leave now while they're still small so they don't think this is how a relationship should be.

Go and build yourself a loving and fulfilling life away from this unloving, smelly man.

SarahBellam · 17/10/2021 07:05

You get one shot at this life. I agree with the poster above - start developing your life in parallel so that you leave him.

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