Have I been conditioned to be his housemate?

[Notthatblunt]

I've given up on my marriage after years of trying it has all become too much. But, DH seems happy with the set up. Separate rooms, separate lives. However we watch TV together most evenings and this appears to fill DHs connection cup.

We get along ok as friends. He hasn't been loving in a long time or is in fits and spurts. He sabotages good times like holidays and celebrations by being awkward and doesn't contribute, appearing miserable and joyless on occasions that ought to be fun.

He told me a couple of months ago that love embarrasses him. That he finds it all a bit wet-lettuce. He has never had any relationship before me. I think he was driven by love hormones in the beginning and all the romance and loveliness was temporary. We married quickly, had children quickly and this is what's left.

When things have been loving and romantic he has often become silly and child-like. He can't be loving and be an adult.

It dawned on me when we were watching TV together last night, that this is probably what he has wanted deep down all along. He's quite possessive of me and would be jealous if I started a new relationship but he's clearly uncomfortable with the idea of love. All the times I've shouted at him, developed a plan for more time together and date nights and he has sabotaged them, it's because he never wanted a romantic relationship isn't it?

He wouldn't be without me, he definitely relies and depends on me, but he doesn't really "want" me.

All along, all the awkward and sabotaging behaviour was supposed to lead to this I think. Have I been conditioned by him to be his housemate? I probably need to leave him, but it's so hard when this is all I know and we're not arguing. Should I rock the boat more? I don't want to argue and create an atmosphere for the children, but he's got what he always wanted deep down hasn't he?

OP you are 33 and deserve to live a happy life.

That is no relationship and the fact he sabotaged nice times will be a big problem for the children.

If you split up, you can go to the gym when he has the kids (that's the only advantage of having him you've pointed out).

You're very young but don't waste any more time with him. You don't need to be arguing to give yourself permission to leave.

Could you have a break away for a couple of nights with the kids , just to get a taste of life without him, see how it feels ? Maybe go to stay with a friend.

You need to leave. I'm single and I have more fun than that.

Honestly, you’re only 33. Young enough to take the kids and start from scratch. Do it!

Could he be gay?
In any case, if you're miserable - which you are and is what caused you to write the post - make plans to leave and live your best life. Simple and cheap things can make you soooo happy. Don't be afraid to take the leap.

Yeh, sounds like the level of intimacy and connection that he can handle is just to have somebody there and a bit of small talk.

That is his level of intimacy but it's not yours.

Perhaps he is gay. But even if he were gay, that wouldn't shut down all connection. Like, Philip Schofield and his wife clearly have a strong connection.

I don't think you need to figure it all out, ie, his sexuality, his motiviations, the level of intimacy that he wants/is capable of.

What you need to do is to simpler but not easy as they say.

Are you happy with this?

I'm single, but the freedom of being single is so much better than being with an awful partner. I know this. Even if you're just watching tv in your own house (!) it's what you want to watch, it's on your schedule, it's not a tool to hide the distance between you.

@FangsForTheMemory

Honestly, you’re only 33. Young enough to take the kids and start from scratch. Do it!

Yes, I left an awful ''partner'' at 37 so you have a 4 year head start on me.

You're so young op. Don't think that this is your bed and you have to lie in it etc. If you're in bed and you're hot, you throw off the cover!

I have a life I'd describe as good now. Getting myself back up on my feet was not easy but in the long run, it has made me feel more resilient and independent. Gave me a sense of self-efficacy.

You have to end this situation you're in. You have your life ahead of you and you don't need to waste another minute.

At 33 I truly would carve a life of my own
This is awful

I know that's easier said than done but you will have no purpose or self esteem left if you stay like this

I agree with snowdropsandblueblls, carve out your own life.

Look at stuff like meet up which is for people wanting to socialise and go along and meet other people that have the same or similar interests to you. There will be books clubs supper clubs, walking/rambling clubs etc

do you have hobbies? set about thinking about getting back into those things

this doesn't solve the problem of your marriage but what it des do is gives you self esteem and a life outside of your marriage and hopefully make you realise you are a whole person and can be happy.

OP - I think given your age and your description of your H - there is nothing you can do but prepare to leave.
There is another thread on here now about ok, ambivalent marriages, staying vs going. But yours isn’t like that. And you are young. Also your kids are small enough to not fully understand, so the split may be easier on them now than it would be later.

Btw I don’t think your H is maliciously manipulated you into anything. I am not sure he is aware or understands how relationships work. It does seem to me that he has some sort of spectrum condition and that won’t change. I don’t think he is able to have the sort of relationship you want.

I could have written this, only we don't even watch TV together. He's a great housemate and pulls his weight with household jobs and children.
He's autistic and knows what his rules and boundaries are. He can't do romance or spontaneity. He doesn't understand affection.
He goes to bed at 9pm every night

So you see your life stretching out like this for the next 40 years.... but
its okay.. cos you can get to the gym..
Come on..... you are so young.....don't settle for this... you deserve to be happy.

I could've written your thread and understand completely where you're coming from.

I'm also facilitating a "family life" for my husband who over time has cared less and less. No sex, intimacy, communication or anything. He's also happy to take care of DC and actively goes all out and about just with DC and tells me to rest at home. Evenings spent totally separately. Working at home, he ignores me all day. I honestly have had enough and over 10 years I've gone from screaming and shouting to be heard and pulling out all the stops for 10 years to forge a good relationship, being the one in the driving seat, planning all activities, holidays and basically our whole life together. The last year, the whole relationship has died the final death where I've found myself literally begging for small talk and to be looked at. I'm planning to leave but it's so hard as we have one DC. I've tried to talk to him about leaving but he acts offended like he cannot understand what's wrong with a loveless marriage. It's all consuming and I feel so frozen and trapped by this man child. I know 100% I want to leave and building my strength to do it. In the meantime, yes as PP, carving out my own life and hobbies to keep me sane.

Btw I don’t think your H is maliciously manipulated you into anything. I am not sure he is aware or understands how relationships work.

I agree with this and it's the same in my situation. Mostly he is likely to have been conditioned himself by his parents relationship and its probably not intentional. In my situation, my counsellor put it as "unintended emotional neglect". BUT just because it's unintended, doesn't make it any less soul destroying

The happiest women l know are similar age to me, early 50' s and man free.
It is a freedom unlike any other, and peace of mind is priceless.
No one in my circle of friends is interested in finding anyone else, and it's like a breath of fresh air, conversations are much deeper and meaningful, and we admire one another's independent and quirky lifestyles.

@halfpastfun I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, our situations seem identical. You have to let it stop consuming you it will drive you mad. I feel so much better since I let go of all expectations but also sad that this is what's left. I think as women we are driven towards making the family work regardless of if it's not.

Also, he definitely isn't gay. I'd say more asexual.