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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can anyone advise me on this I'm panicking x

68 replies

Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 07:33

:30Flo1610

Sorry this is a bit long. I'm in panic mode at the moment. Been with DP for 2 years, both separated from exh/exw. For a number of reasons I think he is cheating and may have one foot out if the door already. He can go, it's not been the best of relationships and he takes me massively for granted. My panic is my house. I bought this house with a deposit from the profit of selling the family home. I have a mortgage for the rest. Dp has his money from his sale in the bank. Much more than me approx 150k. He is what I would describe as quite a good earner (about 52k per year) I earn 25k. My problem is he has put some money into this house when I bought it. Probably around 10 to 15k for carpets etc.

Does he have any rights to the house. I am on the deeds, he is not. He pays half the bills but non of the mortgage. I didn't ask him for any money at all, he insisted, I was happy to do just a room at a time but he pushed with promises of building a life together in a lovely home. I have children who I want to leave the house to. I'm worried I will be forced to sell as I don't have 15k to give him now. I feel constantly sick, does anyone have any advice? Thank you

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 16/10/2021 08:16

Firstly if he asks for the money asks for receipts. Ifits agreed legally that you owe him then offer to pay……..at £1 per week. That’s all you can afford .

You do this legally and I don’t think there is any chance you will lose your house by what you have said.

MatildaIThink · 16/10/2021 08:23

@crystalize

Matilda he hasn't gone down the legal route. For what it's worth, my ex was a solicitor...it didn't stop me kicking him out of my house. He did nothing. OP can cross that bridge if he goes there, which I highly doubt. He will be threatening crap to try to punish you for dumping him.
He might not have yet, but there is a reasonable chance he has a claim on part of the house. Your ex might have chosen not to, it does not mean that this man will not.

The issue I have is all of those saying in absolute terms that he has no claim, which is not true. If I were in the OPs position I would want proper advice and to know where I stood either way rather than taking the opinion of a bunch of angry, biased people online and then later finding that someone else had a claim on a share of my property because I did not handle things properly.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 16/10/2021 08:26

Don't mention it unless he does, if he does ask for it back simply tell him to take you to court for it.

Speak to a solicitor as and if you have to.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 08:29

Matilda we are not all angry and biased on here and most of her gave advise to get legal advise.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 08:29

sorry 'most on here'

MatildaIThink · 16/10/2021 08:36

@IrishMel

Matilda we are not all angry and biased on here and most of her gave advise to get legal advise.
More than half of the replies say he has no claim, despite that potentially not being the case and do not mention getting professional/legal advice and quite a few do so in an angry way, which indicates bias.
ILoveJamaica · 16/10/2021 08:41

Do NOT give in to any demands. He has no rights to your house. Tell him to take you to court. He won't! He has been living with you rent free. If you had been charging him rent, what would that have amounted to?

DameFanny · 16/10/2021 08:57

He gave the carpets and boiler as a gift - you don't take gifts back. He can take the sofa with him. And yes, ask for receipts - to put him on the spot - then say no.

He would have spent at least 10k on rent over the period anyway, so he's not going to be out of pocket.

Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 08:58

Thank you for all the replies. I really do appreciate them, it's helped me to calm down. I've been panicking so much.
I have no problem changing the locks, I will do that when he's gone. I will get some professional advice, I do appreciate people's opinions and experiences on here. It is what I asked for.
The house prices here have gone up like everywhere in the last 8 months and this house is now worth more than what I paid. I think he see his money as improving the house and causing it to be worth more. It's not, they have gone up regardless. I haven't had it valued, he's going on what next door sold for. So I was worried he would want even more than he put in. I don't have that let alone anymore.

He's not on the deeds and pays half the bills by bank transfer. I will tell him to take the carpets if he wishes.
I will make an appointment with a solicitor and update the thread. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 08:59

DAME, I will say that about back rent. Thank you

OP posts:
LoekMa · 16/10/2021 09:06

Tbh this might sound difficult but maybe if he has one foot out the door already snd you dont "make his departure difficult" he might be willing to let slide whatever claim he might have on the house? Do you think you could bring up the issue of an amicable separation with him? Maybe different rooms until he finds a new place to stay?

Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 09:13

LOEK no I really just want him out. He lies so much I'm struggling to keep it together now while I sort my head out. He would probably talk me into giving him stuff. My girls are here, I just want some peace and space. Also the other person is married from what I gather so he probably won't have an easy other place to go to. He will dig his heels in.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 16/10/2021 09:31

Please take proper advice from a qualified lawyer. In the meantime don’t do as people ask on here and acknowledge any input by him financially.

Unfortunately there is a risk because you did allow him to invest in the property. How you manage and mitigate that risk is too important to be informed by social media.

The mistake here was not to get legal advice when he moved in. The compounding mistake would be not to get now you want him to move out.

Lillygolightly · 16/10/2021 09:33

Who gives a shit if he has somewhere else that’s easy to go, the fact is he’s got 150K in the bank, saves more than you earn a month and is on 52k a year, he’s more than capable of being able to sort himself out and is in no way stuck at all!! Do not feel guilty for putting him out, he will be just fine!!!

As for the financial situation I would do the following:

Using the same bravado and bluster he used to tell you what he’s entitled to, you tell him that actually no you’ve spoken to your solicitor (lie but so what) and your solicitor said he’s not entitled to any equity on the house and that the carpet, boiler etc are classed as gifts and do not need to be repaid as there was no written contract between the two of you that was agreed for him to be paid back for these things by you, therefore they were gifted. Tell him as a good will gesture you’ll let him take the sofa he paid for to help him get started and then KICK him OUT and change the locks!! Don’t listen to his arguments and protestations because you don’t have to, it’s your house and you want him out, and your entitled to ask him to leave!!

Wishing you strength and luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 09:40

I know I made the mistake of not pinning it down legally when he moved in. Believe me I could slap myself, I'm so angry I've allowed the security for my girls to be put at risk.
LILLY I will try, but to be honest his mouth ties me in knots. Its how I've fell for the bullshit for so long. He's so convincing. I'm hoping I don't have to talk to him at all once I get him out. If he wants to take me to court then I will have to cross that bridge then I suppose.

OP posts:
Blackbird2020 · 16/10/2021 09:52

This man has 150k in the bank and a steady job that pays well. He’ll have NO problem getting a hotel room for 2 weeks whilst he sorts out a rental. It’s not your problem that he has no where ‘easy’ to go to.

You are not his mum.

Blackbird2020 · 16/10/2021 09:57

www.ftb.help/when-one-partner-owns-the-house-cohabitation-rights/

Good luck and stay strong for your daughters’ sakes. Don’t let him drag it out and get messy in full view of them Flowers

TakeYourFinalPosition · 16/10/2021 10:00

Seconding the advice not to discuss or acknowledge any financial input from him until you’ve had legal advice, you could dig yourself a big hole, even if the article here is well intended.

Generally I’d agree that I’d be far more worried about your husbands claim than your partners, but that doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t have one, and nobody here can comprehensively tell you that. It sounds like he can document that he paid for electrics/boiler/carpets at least? That doesn’t mean he can claim that back, but it’s not a given that he can’t claim; either.

Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 10:01

Thank you both, that link is useful xx

OP posts:
MilduraS · 16/10/2021 10:02

Wait until he's seen a solicitor and seek legal advice if he bothers to pursue it. The costs can be extortionate so he might wobble and even if he does pursue it, his solicitors would continually advise him to settle. There are so many variables only your own solicitors would be able to tell you if he had a claim at all and whether it would be best to make an offer to settle.

Even if it went to court and he won, you could end up paying back £20 a month or agreeing to a charge on the property both of which would leaving him waiting years to recover any costs. He will be made well aware of that early on and regularly reminded.

I only once pursued an order for sale of a house while working in civil litigation and it was an extreme case (nothing like yours) that was entirely the defendant's making and left him owing £360k in legal costs. It took 3 years (for the order for sale only, on top of 7 years for the original case) and we still weren't 100% confident we would be granted the order when we walked into the court. Courts don't make those orders lightly and nobody in their right mind would try unless there was no reasonable alternative.

Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 10:04

TAKE, thank you, I think its clear now that I need professional advice. He might have a claim, thats enough to set me on edge. I will take the solicitor route. It feels like he's steps ahead of me, the cheating for all I know could've been going on months. They may have plans together. I am trying to preempt a bombshell and being railroaded into things because it's all a shock to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flo1610 · 16/10/2021 10:07

MILDURA, thank you so much for that advice. It's really helpful. And interesting!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/10/2021 10:10

The only thing he couldn't take is the boiler, which as said above you could offer to pay back at £50 per month. He can take up the carpets and take them with him!

Doesn't sound like he spent anything like £15k really does it?

Try not to flap, get your advice.

Thanks
Doyoumind · 16/10/2021 10:12

Why do people with no first-hand knowledge or legal qualifications always come on these threads as if they are experts? As PPs have said, as he has contributed to what may be considered improvements to the house, there's a chance he does have a claim. It may not amount to much or to a strong case but why do people make sweeping claims that they have no qualification to give?

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