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Original poster

Invited to strip show

29 replies

Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:06

I have not properly caught up with my friend in nearly 2 years due to covid and she got a new boyfriend. Whenever she gets a boyfriend she drops her friends so the same pattern has started again. I only saw her 6 weeks ago at her mom's funeral, not the time or the place to catch up.

She randomly text the other day asking me to go to a strip show. I had a look and would not pay £25 to see this. She really frustrates me as she is on the dole always complaining she has no money yet is going to a strip show.

I'm a bit baffled she is going when she has a boyfriend as she went mental at her ex boyfriend for looking at his friend's car magazine years ago because there were topless women in the magazine. I actually witness her shouting at her ex, it's a bit pot, kettle, black. Needless to say she didn't respond to my message about not going.

It's not like she wants to catch up and just use me to watch these 'strippers'. I don't know why she thinks because I am working part time she thinks I have money to pay strippers when I am just about affording bills.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2021 23:29

Maybe she's grown up a bit since being threatened by a photo?

If you don't want to go, say "nah, not my thing, but you enjoy!" If you want to go, then go.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/10/2021 23:30

So your friend invited you to a strip show and your not going? Is that what your saying?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 23:31

So what's the issue? She asked, you said no. Problem solved, yes?

lynntheyresexpeople · 15/10/2021 23:32

Can't see the issue. Don't go if you don't want to - how she spends her money is none of your business.

Original poster
Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:32

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Maybe she's grown up a bit since being threatened by a photo?

If you don't want to go, say "nah, not my thing, but you enjoy!" If you want to go, then go.

I told her it was not something I am interested in and hope she has a nice evening and she just ignored my message and couldn't be bothered to respond.
OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 15/10/2021 23:32

I'm a bit baffled she is going when she has a boyfriend as she went mental at her ex boyfriend for looking at his friend's car magazine years ago because there were topless women in the magazine. I actually witness her shouting at her ex, it's a bit pot, kettle, black.

Maybe she wants to get back at him/even things up.

Money wise, if you can;t afford it and don't want to spend money on that then .. don't go. Hasnt she anyone else to go with?

Anyway in my experience they are very funny/good fun (pissed myself when stripper got my quite straight laced, intellectual friend in a clinch for a few seconds and left her hair all ruffled)

Original poster
Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:33

@lynntheyresexpeople

Can't see the issue. Don't go if you don't want to - how she spends her money is none of your business.
I think I'm more bothered about she always asks me to go to really expensive shows etc knowing full well it's not my thing and I cannot afford it.
OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/10/2021 23:36

What do you invite her to then?

Original poster
Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:38

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

What do you invite her to then?
I would invite her out to coffee etc over the years but 50% of the time she was a flake and cancelled at the last minute, she cancels on others too so I stopped bothering.
OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/10/2021 23:41

Fuck me, this sounds like the shittist friendship ever Shock

Hope you've got some other friends to hang out with!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2021 23:41

OK. It sounds like your friendship has run its course. Can you develop other friendships with people who share your values?

Original poster
Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:43

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Fuck me, this sounds like the shittist friendship ever Shock

Hope you've got some other friends to hang out with!

I know, it's exactly how I feel. She still bangs on about her abusive ex from 8 years ago - I don't want to hear it. I have lots of friends but these days they spend time with their young children or some are messed up from covid and don't want to socialise with people.
OP posts:
Original poster
Zig27 · 15/10/2021 23:44

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

OK. It sounds like your friendship has run its course. Can you develop other friendships with people who share your values?
I'm glad this has been recognised. I thought it was just me! I think I need to get out and make some new friends.
OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 16/10/2021 00:42

Her mum just died?

Surely this is the most important thing that’s happening right now - not strip shows and boyfriends and finances and whatever else you’re bitching about?

You’re not her friend.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/10/2021 00:46

Don’t know why people are being so nasty to you.

Not my thing, either. Wish her well and move on with your own life.

Branleuse · 16/10/2021 00:58

Could you ask her if she fancied going for a quiet drink instead. Maybe ask her how shes managing

dancemusicsexromance · 16/10/2021 01:20

@Zig27

"I know, it's exactly how I feel. She still bangs on about her abusive ex from 8 years ago - I don't want to hear it. I have lots of friends but these days they spend time with their young children or some are messed up from covid and don't want to socialise with people"

You really don't like her do you?
Maybe she struggles to process the past abuse. Don't just say she "bangs" on about it -

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 06:15

It would not be my thing either but you replied and said not interested and to have a good time. You offer to meet her for coffee and she doesn't so what else can you do. I do understand she may still have trauma from a past abusive relationship and needs to talk about it. Just casually ask if she wants a coffee/chat and how is she doing. See if she replies. Don't overthink it sometimes people change and grow up and enjoy different things in life and drift apart.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 06:17

Also losing your mum the worst thing that can happen in your life so different people deal with grief in different ways. Ask her how she's doing. No one really understands unless been through it themselves and maybe her partying etc is her way of coping. Everyone is different.

grapewine · 16/10/2021 06:25

She still bangs on about her abusive ex from 8 years ago - I don't want to hear it.

Trauma doesn't have an expiration date. If you don't want to hear it, then you pull back from her. There isn't a friendship there anymore, it sounds like.

Laladell · 16/10/2021 07:48

She still bangs on about her abusive ex from 8 years ago - I don't want to hear it.

Wow. This friendship has run its course on both sides don't you think ?

IWillFindYou · 16/10/2021 08:01

Are you sure you want to be her friend?
She sounds useless and trashy.
Doesn’t sound like she’s much of a friend if she abondons you when she has a man.

Original poster
Zig27 · 16/10/2021 10:31

[quote dancemusicsexromance]@Zig27

"I know, it's exactly how I feel. She still bangs on about her abusive ex from 8 years ago - I don't want to hear it. I have lots of friends but these days they spend time with their young children or some are messed up from covid and don't want to socialise with people"

You really don't like her do you?
Maybe she struggles to process the past abuse. Don't just say she "bangs" on about it - [/quote]
I think my patience has worn thin now. She has spoke about this ex many times over the years. I have shown empathy, listened, reassurance etc but it has fallen on deaf ears. I didn’t help that her family would keep bringing him up either when at times there was no relation of him to the present moment. She was offered counselling on the NHS but refused. It’s a victim mentality, she doesn’t want to move forward. Most people seek professional help, which I am not a counsellor and make some effort to move on with their lives and a good life for themselves.

OP posts:
dancemusicsexromance · 16/10/2021 10:56

@Zig27
My friends haven't told me to not talk about past abuse. Thankfully.
Ok I do make a conscious effort not to dwell but sometimes I honestly feel paralysed with the shock/trauma.
I honestly don't think you can say this.
I also have another friend that drives me mad as she makes excuses for her abusive partner and they are still together, I've travelled the country to help her, I've been there 24/7 if she needs me. People who have been abused often have trauma bonds and that is the hardest thing to break.
My ex abused me - horrifically, and nearly 3 years on my life on paper is a thousand times better, I'm a thousand times happier but I still hurt all day every day it's like I am living two lives and I can't shake off the abuse.
I understand running out of patience. I really do.
But if she's "stuck" in this cycle I don't really think it is just a victim mentality. It's really hard. X

Original poster
Zig27 · 16/10/2021 11:08

I’m making her ex sound worse than he was. Don’t get me wrong he was controlling telling her not to see her friends and there is no excuse for that but nowhere near as bad as some of the distressing situations that people have been through on here.

She stayed with him for 9 years and no engagement ring asking when they will get married which he kept telling her he didn’t know. She could have walked away anytime as he would not commit to her as they had no children and did not live together.

I have not once said don’t talk about him but she can’t seem to get past the fact he had nothing to offer.

OP posts:
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