snappy and rude partner all the time

[Motherofking]

my partner is very snappy and randomly disrespectful. It is getting to the point where I feel anxious around him sometimes because i dont know how he is going to react. Some mornings he wakes up in a good mood and will be very loving and affectionate then other mornings he will wake up pissed off and will randomly starts shouting at me for something as stupid as not closing the kitchen cabinet completely . Sometimes he will shout midway normal conversations. for example we was discussing a new table and chair set to buy and i mentioned that i typed in on google ' foldable plastic table and chairs' then he randomly shouting WHY FOLDABLE I DIDNT ASK YOU TO PUT IN FOLDABLE. I told him to speak properly and tell me there is no reason to shout. he blames me saying ' well you cant hear '
Another example, we come home from shopping and come upstairs to drop the shopping off at the hallway , my toddler was still in his pram and i was still standing by the front door with my shoes on so i proceeded to open the door to leave again as i needed to go cash point. He asks me ' are you not going to wash your hands' I said ' I am literally walking out there is not point , I will wash them when i come back' then i hear him shouting ' you fucking dirty bitch go fucking catch covid and dont bring it to me '.
I dont understand this constant disrespect and snappy attitude towards me . This happens multiple times a day and he doesnt work so he is at home all the time. His presence gives me anxiety , i could go out for the day and have an amazing time with my toddler at a playgroup then come home to tell him about it and he will randomly snap at me half way through the conversation which will put me in a bad mood for the whole day .
Just hoping i can get some tips on how to solve this

Leave. This person should be single.

OP, I think you know how to solve this.
This is only going to get worse.

You say 'my toddler' - is your dp the child's father?

@Cantstopthewaves

OP, I think you know how to solve this. This is only going to get worse.

yes its at its worst already and keeps getting worser as time goes on

@butterflyze he is our sons dad. i think i accidentally said my toddler because i do all the parental responsibilities so i feel like the only parent

Why would you stay with this horrible man? Do you rent and who’s name is on the tenancy.You say he doesn’t work why?Make plans to part this will not get better.I hope you have family and friends who can support you.Good luck

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

It’s not going to get better. You solve this for yourself by making and further firming up plans to leave him. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What is your situation here re the property and finances?.

What you’re describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. This is who he is and he will not change.

This is also no home for your child to be growing up in either, their childhood is being marred by their dad’s abuse of you and in turn them. Good dads do not abuse their child’s mother, this relationship is really over because of the abuse he metes out to you. Such men also hate women, ALL of them.

Do consider contacting Women’s Aid, they could be very helpful to you here. Your safety going forward is of paramount concern so I would also contact the police here, it’s a small step between verbal abuse to physical abuse and I have no doubt he will hit you if he decides that the current level of abuse is not effective.

Why is he not working?

Coke and/or weed?

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your advice . i didnt consider it abuse until i watched maid on neflixs and saw similarities . I thought this was the normal ups and downs of a relationship. My finances are okay as i have some savings but i have not worked since i was pregnant But i plan to go back once my son is 2 . I also have family i can live with if i need to .

Leave, you deserve so much better than him.

His presence gives you anxiety.

Enough said.

Oh good grief! He sounds despicable. I would be making plans to leave, OP.

I went through a relationship like this it started like this and spiralled.

Leaving seemed impossible and I never thought I'd be ok, get over him, or be happy as his presence really changed me as a person.

But I did leave, it was so hard and I'm not quite there yet but honestly I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time, no treading on eggshells anymore.

You can't change it, people very very rarely change, take yourself out the situation, it'll be the best thing you do, I promise you your worth so much more. Hope you're OK xxxxxx

You and your son are in a highly abusive damaging relationship.

That is why you are so anxious.

Please stop focusing on fixibg and focus on packing and getting out.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

He is a nasty man that wi destroy your childs childhood.

You cannot fix him.

Please just get out asap.

Do leave with your son. (Unless it's your name on the tenancy - then he must leave - get advice from women's aid how to achieve this)

He is a cancer in your lives.

He's only going to get worse.

@Laladell thanks for sharing. When you was in a relationship like this did you also feel like there was 'good' moments?
What makes it hard for me to leave is that when i am not dealing with his snappy disrespectful comments , he is very loving and caring , which makes me forgive him. But then i end up being disrespected right after . Its a confusing cycle that goes up and down which makes it hard for me to make a firm decision to leave

Yes I have a good tip: LTB.

Hes speakimg to you with contempt and hatred. If he hasnt already decimated your self esteem then gather up whats left and tell him to move out

You should leave him. Can you imagine treating someone like he treats you? Of course you can’t. His behaviour is com0letely unacceptable. He is treating you like he owns you.

If you stay what will you feel like if he treats you like this in front of you child? How will you feel if he treats your child the same way.
You need to leave.

Ah the nice/nasty cycle.

As time goes on the nice becomes less, and the nasty becomes more.

It will not matter what you do to prevent that.
It becomes your destiny.

Run and don't look back, if only you knew how much more you deserve and how this man should not be with anyone but himself.

He has a damaged view of love which will not be repaired. don't even try.

Leave while your child is so young. Life is too short to put up with that.

then i hear him shouting ' you fucking dirty bitch go fucking catch covid and dont bring it to me '

I am really fussy about handwashing (immune-compromised) and it does frustrate me that my partner is way way more casual about it than I am and I have to check with him regularly if he's done it or not.

However despite my level of frustration about this, what I say to him is "I feel really anxious when you don't wash your hands and I struggle with knowing that I cannot rely on you to do it consistently."

I would never speak to my partner in the awful, disrespectful and critical way your partner did, and if I did, I would not be surprised at all if he didn't want to continue our relationship.

Abusive people always swing between being abusive and being nice. If they didn't scatter periods of nice behaviour in with the abuse, there would be no chance that their partners would stay. Please listen carefully when I say that the acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is ZERO.

But does him yelling at me really mean he's abusive? Don't all people make mistakes and behave badly sometimes? Yes, all people make mistakes and sometimes behave in ways they later regret. However, when non-abusive people behave badly, afterwards they feel ashamed of themselves. They don't need to be told they've behaved badly, they can work that out for themselves. They sincerely apologise to the person they've hurt and take responsibility for their actions.

A sincere apology and taking responsibility looks like: "I'm really sorry for yelling. I am really anxious about catching Covid but I shouldn't have treated you that way. Is there a way for us both to get our needs met here?"

It doesn't sound like: "Sorry I yelled but if you'd just wash your hands more regularly, I wouldn't have needed to yell at you. Forgetting to wash your hands is disgusting. I don't want to get sick. Can't you be more careful?"

Please leave this man. For your sons sake if not your own. He will destroy his childhood with his abusive behaviour. You both deserve far better

LTB