snappy and rude partner all the time

[Motherofking]

my partner is very snappy and randomly disrespectful. It is getting to the point where I feel anxious around him sometimes because i dont know how he is going to react. Some mornings he wakes up in a good mood and will be very loving and affectionate then other mornings he will wake up pissed off and will randomly starts shouting at me for something as stupid as not closing the kitchen cabinet completely . Sometimes he will shout midway normal conversations. for example we was discussing a new table and chair set to buy and i mentioned that i typed in on google ' foldable plastic table and chairs' then he randomly shouting WHY FOLDABLE I DIDNT ASK YOU TO PUT IN FOLDABLE. I told him to speak properly and tell me there is no reason to shout. he blames me saying ' well you cant hear '
Another example, we come home from shopping and come upstairs to drop the shopping off at the hallway , my toddler was still in his pram and i was still standing by the front door with my shoes on so i proceeded to open the door to leave again as i needed to go cash point. He asks me ' are you not going to wash your hands' I said ' I am literally walking out there is not point , I will wash them when i come back' then i hear him shouting ' you fucking dirty bitch go fucking catch covid and dont bring it to me '.
I dont understand this constant disrespect and snappy attitude towards me . This happens multiple times a day and he doesnt work so he is at home all the time. His presence gives me anxiety , i could go out for the day and have an amazing time with my toddler at a playgroup then come home to tell him about it and he will randomly snap at me half way through the conversation which will put me in a bad mood for the whole day .
Just hoping i can get some tips on how to solve this

I feel for you. It is not even sometimes what someone says to us but how they say it snapping and been bloodywell horrible. He has shown his true colours now and this usually happens when a woman is pregnant or after the baby is born as the man is not the centre of their universe anymore as obviously the baby's needs have to be the most important. My dad used to be like this, we would all be happy at home in great form and if he was in a mood he would change all our moods, like he was dictating how we should behave. It is manipulative and it will get worse. Tell him go talk to his doctor about his moods but in the meantime I think you should either go to your folks or ask him to leave. Does he take coke by any chance as this changes people's moods as you described. Anyway you have to think is this the life you want for you and your son tearing down your confidence and him controlling you and putting you down to his level. Have time away to clear your head and it will all make sense and go with your gut. If you told your parents or friends how he was what would they say. Take care of yourself and peace of mind counts for a lot and what is he adding to your life.

[quote Motherofking]@Laladell thanks for sharing. When you was in a relationship like this did you also feel like there was 'good' moments?
What makes it hard for me to leave is that when i am not dealing with his snappy disrespectful comments , he is very loving and caring , which makes me forgive him. But then i end up being disrespected right after . Its a confusing cycle that goes up and down which makes it hard for me to make a firm decision to leave[/quote]
Yes there was good moments, the good and bad moments caused me to enter what I now know is a trauma bond, so even whilst I was so desperately unhappy, those good moments kept me holding on.

Also those good moments are what kept me feeling quilty and kidding myself that it wasn't that much of a bad relationship (it was fucking awful) our brain tries to hold on to the dream and wants us to hold on to the person we think they are, not releasing at first, what kind of person they actually are. There's no reason or no excuse to demoralise or talk to someone shit. You don't do it to him so why should he to you? Prick lol

I look back now and I honestly cannot believe I let someone speak to me the way he did! (Never thought id ever get to this point) he also used to put his hands on me the fucking cretin but tbh the things he'd say have stuck with me more.

I know how hard it is to leave, and how easy it is for people to tell you to leave him, but honestly do it. It's hard at first and you will feel shit but you will get that light bulb moment and think wowww and honestly there's no better feeling.

A word of warning though and I'm not saying this will happen but my ex started like this and few other red flags and we are now part of a police case where he assulted me quite severely on several occasions.

You are worth so much more I promise you, just because you have the good moments dosent take away the bad things he does, they are still happening and there's no excuse for it. He won't ever stop and you don't deserve this xxxx

Why isn't he working. Is he looking for work.

No, this is not the normal ups and downs of a relationship. Good relationships don't include abuse, name-calling, regular arguements, shouting or snappiness.

A good relationship is where both show respect, love and support for each other. Where both put the same amount of work (physical, mental, emotional) in. Where they are honest with each other, prioritise their relationship over outside ones, laugh together, have each others' backs.

Yes even good relationships have hard times. And there might be disagreements, even arguements. But there is always respect and honesty.

You deserve so much better, and so does you child.

I could have written a similar post. I was abused in the same way and recognise the nice nasty cycle and the random outbursts of sheer terrifying rage
Please separate from this man

Bless you, yes he's abusive and he will escalate this behaviour.

And being called a "dirty fucking bitch" is absolutely unacceptable.

Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour ?

Don't be afraid to speak to Womens Aid about what's happening as they will have people who can support you,

Of course there are good moments, he knows you wouldn’t stay if he was abusive to you all the time

Of course there are also good moments in abusive relationships. If he was foul to you all the time you would have left years ago. Abusive people understand this and use it.

This behaviour is not acceptable and you have a responsibility to get your children away from it,

You are lucky; you have somewhere to go. Leave.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who treats you like that?

All the time you stay, you are telling him his behaviour is acceptable and so he has no reason to change.

You only get one life so live it - happily.

@thepeopleversuswork

Of course there are also good moments in abusive relationships. If he was foul to you all the time you would have left years ago. Abusive people understand this and use it.

This behaviour is not acceptable and you have a responsibility to get your children away from it,

You are lucky; you have somewhere to go. Leave.

Very true i didnt see it this way . It is starting to make sense why he is always telling me he loves me

@Whiskyinajar yes i have spoken and we have gotten into arguments over this behavior . sometimes he apologies and other times he says its my fault because i apparently respond to him in a rude manner. I would be honest and admit that sometimes when he speaks to me rudely i have respond back in anger so i decided to stop doing that and to start remaining calm but it made no difference so i realized it was not my fault.

@PussInBin20 because i thought this was normal i didnt realise it was wrong thats why i stayed