Can't post in the sex topic for some reason / I don't feel anything during sex

[NightTime5]

Although I've been on Mumsnet for a few months now, for some reason it won't let me post in the sex topic so hopefully someone in relationships can help or my thread might possibly be moved eventually?

Anyway, as I said I'm a long time poster but have name changed as I'm a little embarrassed. I've not spoken to anyone IRL about this. This has been an issue since I lost my virginity when I was 17, I'm 26 now. I don't feel pleasure when a penis is inside me and I have tried everything that I can think of to try and rectify the issue, so to speak . Trying different positions doesn't make a difference, neither does size. I've had around 16 sexual partners, all different sizes. I've orgasmed but only with a vibrator, never with a partner. I do however get a lot of pleasure from men using their fingers (sorry tmi) but that could be down to the pressure I suppose?

My clit also use to be really sensitive (sorry tmi again) but it doesn't feel that way anymore  I know that must sound stupid. When either myself or a partner plays with it I don't really feel anything but if I use the vibrator it works. It's got to the point now where, on the rare occasion that I actually do have sex, I have to fake my enjoyment/orgasm. I'm not actually interested in sex anymore because of this and it's making me feel quite sad deep down, especially given my age. I've looked this up online a few times and apparently over lubrication can be an issue? I do get very wet but that's not really something that I can help, is it? I've had STI tests in the past which have all come back negative so we can rule that out, although I'm not sure it would make a difference anyway.

Any ideas or advice or should I just prepare myself for a very sad, sexless future?

Speak to your GP

Do you really think something like this warrants a GP appointment? 🙈 @samwitwicky. I'd be so embarrassed to go in there and explain all of this to their face. I'm starting to worry this is really unusual and that there's something really wrong with me...

The feeling in your body has changed, of course it's worth speaking to your GP.

Maybe try with a female GP or nurse if you think that would help make it easier

Not orgasming from PIV sex is not unusual at all, I don't either - you absolutely don't need to feel you have to fake your orgasm!! I would say that vibrators are a very intense sensation compared to fingers and I find my body becomes used to a sensation and then expects it. If I use vibrators a lot then it takes a long time for me to make myself orgasm using fingers - almost like my clit is numbed. I would say either lay off the vibrator completely for a good while or accept that your body is expecting that sensation and use a vibrator whenever you have sex. I doubt there's anything actually wrong with you xxx

Sorry if I've not explained myself properly. I've had this issue since losing my virginity at 17, way before I even started using a vibrator. It's not so much the orgasm that worries me, more so that I don't feel anything during sex. Well, I can obviously feel the penis inside but I get absolutely no pleasure from it what so ever. It's just something going in and out.. but no enjoyment. Does that make sense? I will look into getting a GP appointment though if you think it will help.

Not much use but I used to feel very little during sex. It improved significantly for me once I'd had a vaginal birth. It also helps to be much much more turned on - I used to go straight to PIV because I didn't orgasm with a partner, got stressed by oral because I didn't know how to orgasm and found my partners' fingerings technique unpleasant across the board, so it didn't seem worth bothering to get turned on, I just got more disappointed. I could orgasm very rapidly myself so again didn't have to bother much.

Now things are very different and I would say the big changes are lube, arousal and taking my time. Plus having sex with a msn I'm really attracted to.

I do enjoy fingers just not a penis although I don't orgasm from either of them.

Hiya NightTime5,
Have you tried clitoral stimulation during sex? With a toy or him using his fingers (or yourself) whilst being penetrated? How do you feel whilst receiving oral? Have you had children? Emotional/physical factors can be depressors on sexual receptivity. How is your current state of mind - this can play a huge factor. How do you feel in your own skin? A lack of esteem in your own physical sexuality can cause a blockade in your enjoyment. I find that sex is mostly in the mind, if you can enjoy it with a toy, it is possible to work through the mental barriers that may have caused numbness experienced with a partner. I’m sorry for the multiple questions, but I’m approaching this with a like minded experience similar to yours.

The book by Emily Nagoski might be worth a read. It’s called “Come as you are.”

I'm MUCH older than you but after my first boyfriend i never felt anything from PIV either. It just feels like something going in and out - no pleasure whatsoever. I do orgasm using a vibe on my clit but even fingers don't do much for me. It has been very depressing over the years and i'm envious of those who get pleasure from sex, although I guess I shouldn't be as everyone is different. So you aren't alone, I wish I had consulted a sex therapist/doctor for it a long time ago but now that I"m 50 I'm less bothered about it (except I'm dating someone with a high libido which causes issues sometimes)

I think it's great that you have come here for this because there are some places online where the answers you would get would be complete nonsense.

My clit also use to be really sensitive (sorry tmi again) but it doesn't feel that way anymore

A number of things can cause this which are either on, or a combination of the following -

• poor circulation to the area
• hormone levels and anything that influences that, like hormonal contraceptives (they usually reduce the level of free testosterone circulating in your body is not good at all for most women's sex lives)
• depression

-vibrators

Yes. Vibrators can seriously numb your clitoris. Many women swear by them because they're so powerful and fast at producing an orgasm, but they can overstimulate and then numb your nerves. It's the female equivalent of the male 'death grip' you might have heard about.

The good news is, is that you'll most likely be able to bring back the sensation if you reduce your vibrator use or stop it completely. I think more women could do with learning to touch themselves and use their fingers.

The sex toy industry has an interest in catering to the problem of women feeling like they can't touch themselves directly, because that would be wrong, shameful or dirty, so they've sold them an alternative which is meant to be more acceptable, sanitised, commercial or fashionable. My advice would be to totally stop using it for 2 weeks to a month, and see if sensation starts coming back.

Also, most women don't orgasm from penetration alone. Even if they enjoy it, it's not enough to actually build up any pleasure and orgasm.

I can obviously feel the penis inside but I get absolutely no pleasure from it what so ever. It's just something going in and out.. but no enjoyment.

Given that you said you enjoy fingering, and the above, I think it's unlikely to be a physical issue.

A lot of women don't get physical pleasure from penetration and 80% don't orgasm from penetration.

I'm not over keen on it myself, I would be perfectly happy with oral and manual stimulation, mutual masturbation (using toys in my case as I can't orgasm with my hand only), roleplay, dirty talk, and a bit of mild BDSM. I'm happy to fuck if my partner wants to, but my enjoyment generally is limited to appreciating THEIR enjoyment, enjoying being with someone I find attractive (if the case) and enjoying what they're saying to me. But the in-and-out itself? Meh.

Regarding clit sensitivity - I went through a phase where I was using more and more powerful vibrators, with the result that that my clit basically developed the female equivalent of death grip syndrome! Could something like this be a factor? I had to retrain my clit by using less powerful vibes and just saying "well if I don't orgasm I don't orgasm, picking up the Hitachi Magic Wand is not an option". Took about 6 weeks but I got back to normal levels!

I think you have to be much more turned on - I feel the most pleasure from penetration with a vibrator and after orgasm, but the difference is that I’m much more turned on at that point. Can you focus on alternating clitoral stimulation with penetration until you start to feel pleasure through penetration?

I also think men often go too fast, thinking that faster and harder is better, whereas actually slower can work better for vaginal pleasure.

I think porn has a lot to answer for, women moaning with ecstacy as soon as the tip of a dick goes inside, pretending to orgasm after a couple of minutes of pumping away, in reality it doesn't work like that. If it felt that amazing having something inside, it would be pleasurable to have a tampon in 🤣🤣 in all honesty most women need clit stimulation to have an orgasm. Also I notice if I use my vibrator too much I no longer feel pleasure any other way and it becomes just dead/numb.

Are you vegetarian OP? I find that my sensation is numbed when my B12 level is low, which is common in vegetarians. Might be worth asking for that too be checked out if you speak to your GP. Also hormonal fluctuations can change how things feel.

TBH PIV isn’t so much about the physical sensation as it is about the connection of having someone that I care about in me so if you’re not in the right place place emotionally and mentally during sex that might stop you feeling much from it. Have any of your partners been any good with foreplay or do they just launch into it? Even if you’re already lubricated, without the rush of blood to the right bits it can feel a bit mechanical sometimes.

Yes. Vibrators can seriously numb your clitoris. Many women swear by them because they're so powerful and fast at producing an orgasm, but they can overstimulate and then numb your nerves. It's the female equivalent of the male 'death grip' you might have heard about.

Hasn't this been widely refuted?

I personally find vibrator use does the reverse - makes me hypersensitive!

It just depends where/how your clitoris is I think, sex is just a man going in and out for me too, it would never make me orgasm but I enjoy the intimacy and the pleasure he gets. It's definitely not related to how turned on I am either, piv just doesn't do it for me. I don't find it upsetting at all as I prefer to be concentrated on tbh, that way I can focus completely on my orgasm and am not distracted by him going in and out and orgasming at the same time. If you want to orgasm at the same time though then try using a vibrator while you have sex, I don't like that personally as sex pulls my clit back and the vibrator feels too intense, I've done it a few times though. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, just maybe your clit is high up. If a vibrator works for you then go with that and don't worry that piv doesn't really do it for you.

Oh also maybe you're expecting to orgasm too quickly, a vibrator will do the job far quicker than fingers will IME.

Personally I don’t think this sounds like a problem. I don’t think many women get pleasure/orgasms just from the feeling of a penis going in and out! I don’t, there aren’t as many nerves in the vaginal walls apart from the G-spot and even that doesn’t do it for everyone.

Similarly to you I orgasm if I masturbate but very, very rarely with partners (male or female). As a result I’m also not very interested in sex but to me that isn’t a problem. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I don’t think about sex very much. My current partner has a low sex drive which suits me fine.

But if you feel like you’d like to find ways to enjoy sex more I would recommend looking for a sex therapist to explore whether you actually have an issue that you want to resolve or you just feel like you should like sex more than you do because of societal expectations.

Also, foreplay is sex. Fingering is sex. It doesn’t have to be a penis in vagina. If you get more pleasure from clitoral stimulation then include more of this in your sex life!

X-post with @EarthSight - great minds think alike! 😁

OP, have you tried doing what you do alone while he is inside of you? Use your vibrator on your clitoris while he is inside. That way PIV can add to the clitoris experience instead of being the main act.

It might also be worth easing back on the vibrator use and using fingers outside only and then doing this during PIV.

As for how common this is, I read ages ago that if your vagina and clitoris are more than a thumb width apart, you are unlikely to orgasm from PIV alone.

@daisyjgrey

Yes. Vibrators can seriously numb your clitoris. Many women swear by them because they're so powerful and fast at producing an orgasm, but they can overstimulate and then numb your nerves. It's the female equivalent of the male 'death grip' you might have heard about.

Hasn't this been widely refuted?

Go ahead and try it with a strong vibrator. It can happen quickly, but I don't doubt the fact that there's variance between women with it. Whatever works for you - it's just something to note if one is having problems.

@daisyjgrey

Yes. Vibrators can seriously numb your clitoris. Many women swear by them because they're so powerful and fast at producing an orgasm, but they can overstimulate and then numb your nerves. It's the female equivalent of the male 'death grip' you might have heard about.

Hasn't this been widely refuted?

@daisyjgrey Maybe you should have a look at the post made by @EvenMoreFuriousVexation