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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being unfair or have I jumped to conclusions??

58 replies

Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 12:41

Long story short, years ago I signed the dotted line for a loan for my ex-husband. Had to make myself bankrupt when we split and haven’t heard from him in 10 years. He recently contacted me to have a divorce so I gave him address for paperwork to be sent and signed.

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we live together. He wasn’t happy about me giving our address (wish I’d given my dads address) but I just wanted an end to all of this.

Today my partners bank account was hacked and he sent me a text from work saying he wishes I hadn’t given ex address as I don’t know anything about him. I said it was a random hacker, my ex has no clue about my relationship status. He basically said it was due to giving ex address that’s caused him being hacked, but how?? Ex knows nothing about him so how could it have been him?

I’m so angry right now and my partner thinks I’m being unfair. I don’t know what to think ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 13:42

Hmmm you’re right. He is a bit of a nit picker. My guard is definitely up right now.

If he cannot being himself to at least apologise then I’ll be even more alert. This is the first major argument we’ve had.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 15/10/2021 13:43

He doesn't trust or respect you. He thinks you'd do something silly or foolish.

Point that out to him. He doesn't realise how offensive it is to dismiss the other person like that.

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2021 13:46

How exactly has he hone from giving out "his address" to his bank details? He does realise that they are not the same thing? Unless you live at your bank? Does he think your ex has been skip diving and got your details from the bin? If that's the case it's his fault for putting them there

HollowTalk · 15/10/2021 14:01

Hasn't he ever noticed numbers on gates and front doors, and street signs showing the name of the street?

Original poster
Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 14:25

He just called me and he hoped I had calmed down. He is still trying to say he wasn’t trying to say it’s my fault, but he wouldn’t have mentioned it then would he?

OP posts:
StormBaby · 15/10/2021 14:31

I guarantee he’s fucked up and is blaming you. Secret gambler?

HollowTalk · 15/10/2021 14:32

He'd have to be incredibly stupid to think that someone's bank account could be hacked purely because someone knew their address. Imagine how many postmen and neighbours would be scamming everyone if all you needed was an address! He's done something himself, I bet. Ask him if he's had an email or text from his bank lately.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 15/10/2021 14:52

The fact he's linking his being hacked with you giving out your address is blaming you by association. I bet he's clicked on a dodgy email link or something recently.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/10/2021 15:20

He just called me and he hoped I had calmed down.

This made my blood pressure rise and I'm not even involved. Condescending wanker.

Ask him outright how exactly he thinks someone could hack is account knowing only his name and address... see what he says to that.

altmember · 15/10/2021 15:29

It's possible there's a link, but it's more likely a coincidence. If it's someone used his credit/debit card then that's likely to have come from a website getting hacked. If his online banking has been hacked that's more likely to have been a phishing attack.

But not all hackers are computer geniuses. Often it's just someone rifling through bins and gathering enough personal information for a passing off attack. But your husband sounds the sort to be meticulous about shredding personal documents?

What's the relevance of the loan and you being made bankrupt. Does you ex have history of fraud?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 15:32

You've gone from one abusive twat to another. You need to figure out why.

Original poster
Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 15:49

ex husband had history of bad credit so I signed the dotted line. Stupid I know but I was young and we’d been married for 3 years.

Partner doesn’t think I should pay anything towards the divorce, but what am I supposed to do? Stay married?

I just want a divorce.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 15/10/2021 15:54

He is still trying to say he wasn’t trying to say it’s my fault

What is his alternative interpretation of his text?

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2021 15:56

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He just called me and he hoped I had calmed down.

This made my blood pressure rise and I'm not even involved. Condescending wanker.

Ask him outright how exactly he thinks someone could hack is account knowing only his name and address... see what he says to that.

It’s worse - her ex didn’t know her current DP’s name. As far as he’s concerned she might be single! She gave out her own address to someone (it being an ex is irrelevant, really) and now DP is in an entirely irrational bait about it.
PackedintheUK · 15/10/2021 16:00

Is this one any upgrade on the previous one?

How does having your address give ex access to someone else's account with no name and no account numbers or even any knowledge of which banks to try?

Original poster
Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 16:05

@NoSquirrels he said he was using it as an example. To which I got even more angry and said I don’t want to speak to him as I’ll say something I regret. He’s sent a text telling he loves me and he’s sorry. I haven’t replied as it is just words to me right now.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 16:07

Your partner is being an arse. If he wasn't blaming you he wouldn't have mentioned anything about your address.

He also doesn't get a say in how you choose to handle your divorce.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/10/2021 16:11

Your partner is being an idiot. It's highly unlikely it was him that hacked your dp's account and he's being argumentative around the divorce. Of course you shouldn't have to pay for the divorce, but sometimes life isn't fair and in your shoes I'd pay too. Does he want you to stay married?

HeartsAndClubs · 15/10/2021 16:11

Is he usually this paranoid anyway? You say he doesn’t have direct debits etc, he sounds like one of those types, except now that something has happened you’re bearing the brunt of it.

I used to work with someone like that. She paid all her bills by going into the bank and paying them, she always paid for everything in cash in case her card was hacked. If she went out she never e.g. too a rucksack with her because “people slash them open from behind to steal whatever’s in them.

She wasn’t an abuser in so much as that this was just who she was, iyswim. Working with her was bloody hard work, having a relationship with her would have been a nightmare IMO.

I wouldn’t be pandering to this stuff. I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to grow the fuck up, and that sometimes bad things happen, but really, the world isn’t this big scary place.

Personally I couldn’t live with it even if it was directed at something else, but only you know your relationship.

Original poster
Lunafeline · 15/10/2021 16:13

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent no he doesn’t. He has mentioned marriage to me but I really can’t see that happening anyway. I just don’t get it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 16:28

Sounds to me like he found a stick and was eager to grab ahold and beat you with it. He's a nit picker? That's not good. Run for the hills.

Merryoldgoat · 15/10/2021 16:30

@Lunafeline

He can be a hard work but he’s not an abuser. He knows he wouldn’t get away with abuse and I’d walk. Been through it with a narcissist 4 years ago and I’d never put up with that again.

With the narc I was lucky I spotted the signs after a couple of months and I ran for the hills, I was surprised how much damage he did in such a short space of time.

Er… the reason he doesn’t abuse you should be because he knows it’s vile, not because you’d leave him…
Hoppinggreen · 15/10/2021 16:57

It’s your address too and you can give it to who you want.
Your partner is being a Dick

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2021 17:08

What! He doesn’t want you to pay to thr divorce, what’s it got to do with him?
And he won’t set up direct debits and is clueless how banking hacks works. And he’s gas lighting you lying about his intent and then and giving it the creepy get out of jail of but I luffs you

Honestly you can do better than this jealous insecure paranoid unintelligent little man, everyone can.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 15/10/2021 17:33

If all the bank have done is cancel his cards (and reissue them) then its waaaay more likely his card has been compromised in some way - data breach, dodgy online purchase, card scammer - and either the bank have been INCREDIBLY pro-active to notice unusual transactions or he's noticed them on his statement and reported it.

A genuine hacker is going to way more damage to his bank account, credit file etc than a couple of suspicious card transactions. He should take time to explain to you exactly what's going on with the bank and how exactly they've come to the point of telling him his account has been hacked.

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