Can someone offer advice?

[Lowlad]

Hi,

Can some offer their thoughts?

I've been with my gf for 16 and we have 2 children aged 9 and 5 and she's my only serious relationship.

I won't go into full details, but the bottom line is, I've lost that physical and emotional connection to her. I feel unhappy and don't think I really love her anymore.

I adore my children though and feel so trapped, scared and worried about what to do 😔

You can split up and co parent like many people do?

Is there someone else?

How are things in the rest of your life - job etc. Sometimes we get in to a funk and your partner gets the brunt of it as all your resentment gets focussed on the person closest to you. But if you genuinely think there is no coming back, then it is best to end it. But talk with your partner - maybe she is feeling the same and together you can either work things out or part amicably.

@KirstenBlest @maofteens

No, there's no one else.

The rest of my life isn't brilliant. I do suffer with bad anxiety & I feel more anxious around her. I feel more at peace when I'm alone.

But I don't want to hurt her or my kids by leaving. She tells me loves me everyday, but Im not sure if I feel the same way anymore.

Shes quite a negative, argumentative person and falls out with family and friends all the time.

I just feel so worn down and sad 😔

Any possibility of couples counselling?

Leave. Currently the kids are being set the example that if an adult relationship/household is unhappy and anxious, you just stay and put up with it. They don't know what a happy house looks like, so they won't know what to aim for when they're adults: they'll just replicate this. They'll get together with incompatible partners, and they'll put up with feeling shit. Is that what you want for them? If not, show them something else.

Move out, and look into getting to the bottom of why you suffer from anxiety. Moving out on its own might sort it out. Build a life where you do lots of things you love, and spend time with people who make you feel happy. Do things with your kids that they love. Then they will have an example of 'How to build a happy life'. Which is surely a large part of the role of 'parent'?

Are you on medication for your anxiety ?

Do you ever have the kids on your own, if so, do you feel anxious when you have them ?

Its worth at least trying to see if anything will help the anxiety. She sounds like she might be burnt out or anxious too as that can make some people very negative.

No one here can tell you if you'd be happier apart, splitting up brings its own problems so it's best to really look at what's going wrong so you can make a better thought out decision.

If you are anxious all the time, I'd address that before you blow up a long-standing relationship. See a GP and discuss counselling and/or medication.

If you still don't feel happy, then of course you should end the relationship. However, if you love your children, you need to be 100% clear that you are ending the relationship with their mother and not with them. I say that because you say you are more at peace when you are alone. Does that include when you are away from the children? Because if so, it really just sounds like you're not particularly interested in parenting/family life.

Sit down with her and explain the situation. No blame, no one's fault. Don't try to make her the bad guy. It's just one of those things, the spark has gone and you both deserve to live a happy life. You can co-parent more easily if you're on good terms.

@thefoundations I agree with some of what you say. But I can hide my emotions, my kids are happy. We do things as a family and they don't sense anything (what from I would imagine). It's just this feeling of anxiety I have inside me around my partner

@GoodnightGrandma

I'm not currently on any medication. I don't feel as anxious when I'm alone or just with my children. Because of this, I've not wanted medication, as in the back of my mind, it may just start to reduce if I was single. I don't want medication I'm if staying in a situation that's making me feel unhappy

@morealonetime @Triffid1 thanks for the responses.

I am anxious all the time, but it's heightened being around her. I've tried therapy for my anxiety, but the techniques I practised were difficult to implement around her. For example if my son dropped his glass of juice, for me it's no issue I would say "never mind son, I'll get it cleaned up". Where as she would start shouting and make it a massive issue. It's these kind of little things that always happen. I hate conflict/raised voices and this all adds to my anxiety.

What is tearing me is the thought of not seeing my children daily. I love being around them and absolutely love parenting.

But my mental health is taking a slow beating it seems

@Dillydollydingdong thanks. Yes I do agree, it's just very very hard to actually do

My advice is to leave and co parent. The people we have in our lives all the time should not permanently drain us. Sure illness, bereavement, job losses or the shit that life can throw at us, happens but we should feel part of something good and healthy and productive. Clearly you don’t so you should leave before resentment sets in or something turns your head down the line.

What Muttley said.

@Muttly @KirstenBlest

Thanks

I think part of my problem is resentment has kicked in for things she's said over the years.

Looking at it, it's been a constant trickle of emotional controlling, which I foolishly allowed to happen by not setting boundaries earlier on in the relationship. I have low self esteem and feel upset with myself

For arguments sake what do you think her perspective on the situation is?

I only ask because I think me and my DH often react differently to things like spilt juice because he only has to clean the odd one up but I'm doing it all the time and my patience is wearing thin.

Is she controlling in general or is it a case of one partner preferring to be more laid back and another feeling the need to keep things under control as much as possible to reduce stress?

I'm not trying to take her side, just throwing ideas at you because obviously I don't know either of you.

Leave

Have you ever talked with your wife about this, and how you're feeling?

I think you should have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Tell her how you feel towards certain aitturides she has. Give herself a chance to rectify it and do right by the problem. That is IF you want to make it work. Then it also gives you time to sus out your feelings better and see whether it's because of redeemable things or not. What you cant and shoudnt do is let the two of you live by a lie. That is so SO hurtful and you are stringing her along. Time to put your big boy pants on and confront the issue if not by medication then by your home life

I knew reading your first post that there were going to be more posts which would make clear that the reason for your anxiety is because she is emotionally abusive to both you and your children.

www.livi.co.uk/your-health/10-signs-of-emotional-abuse-in-a-relationship/
Have a look at this article - do you recognise things she is doing?

It sounds like you’ve been treading on egg shells for so long it’s made you anxious.
I grew up in a household like this and it was miserable.
My only reservation about everything you’re saying is if you leave, what about your children? Who’s going to calm her down and stop her shouting at them?
If something isn’t down to manage this, you’re going to end up with messed up children

You are free to separate.
But, do you want to save the relationship ? If not, off you go.
If you do, you need to have a proper conversation about this, and consider antidepressants. If you want to save the relationship you need to try everything.
My DH had anxiety and refused antidepressants for a long time, because he refused to believe that he needed them. It was other people who took those, not him.