Can someone offer advice?

[Lowlad]

Hi,

Can some offer their thoughts?

I've been with my gf for 16 and we have 2 children aged 9 and 5 and she's my only serious relationship.

I won't go into full details, but the bottom line is, I've lost that physical and emotional connection to her. I feel unhappy and don't think I really love her anymore.

I adore my children though and feel so trapped, scared and worried about what to do 😔

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Yes I've felt isolated from family as she doesn't like them. Every fall out is always their fault. Every fall out with friends is always their fault.

There's been emotional blackmail.

I definitely feel I'm tredding on eggshells around her to avoid confrontation.

Both you and your children deserve to live in a calm happy household. Not one where you're all dancing around trying to avoid her anger.

Can you speak to your family without her knowing?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I haven't told any family, it's like I almost been embarrassed to tell anyone. So it's all bottled up inside, which is ultimately making me feel even worse.

I'm not very decisive and struggle to make decisions

You've made the first step of posting on here.

What would be a good next step for you, on the ultimate aim of leaving the relationship? Would your family be supportive? (possibly siblings or cousins if your parents wouldn't be understanding)? Or would friends be better?

The organisation Respect also have a helpline for men experiencing domestic abuse (which is what's going on here).

At least if you leave they will have a calm happy home for 50% of the time.

@Loveshellyi agree 100%

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I can picture a future of living alone (which I've never done) working on myself, and co-parenting.

My problem is I'm scared to hurt her and I'm scared of ending it. Even though I know I would be better of mentally, I don't feel I have the courage to end it 😔

Life is too short to be with someone you no longer love or feel comfortable around. You should never stay together for the 'sake of the children' as they pick up on a loveless relationship and that can be very damaging to them and will also influence their future relationships. You may not be a good partner but you are a good dad and the time you spend with your children will be so much more valuable when you are relaxed and happy within yourself rather than just going through the motions with a partner you do not want to be with

My sil was emotionally abusive and controlling to my brother. It affected him like you describe.
When they split he became his own person again. We didn't realise how vile she was until afterwards

@Fireworksfly I agree. I absolutely adore my children and leaving them is what is stopping me. I would miss them so much not seeing them everyday 😔

@REDHERO I'm not perfect, but she fell out her sister, and even her sister said I'm way too good for her. As have others who have said the same. I would be embarrassed to tell people some of the horrible things she has said to me over the years. I would love to feel like I'm my own person again, but leaving the kids holds me back

I promise you if you left you will find yourself again and be so much happier. Are you worried she will make seeing your children difficult? Having split from an abusive ex it was hard on the days / weeks I did not have my daughter but life is much calmer - I am calm and to be able to enjoy my daughter to myself and be free to do what we want together is so much more rewarding

@Fireworksfly that sounds so good. I'm glad you have found that happiness.

Yes, my partner doesn't like my family (or many people actually). So if for example I had my kids over, and any of of my family popped over to see us, I just know it would cause an issue. I know she will make it so difficult for me

I would get some legal advise then - I had to go though the courts for a contact order with my daughter as the ex made things very difficult. Your partner sounds very controlling - once you have left and have your children and family over there is nothing she can do about it

@Fireworksfly yes very controlling. thanks for the advice and taking the time to reply