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Original poster

Opinions on this?

44 replies

yabbadabbadoooo1 · 15/10/2021 04:44

My ex and I started seeing each other again back towards the beginning of the year. We had a great time, but I have cancer and don't know how long I have left but it could be just months.

I love her and want is to commit to each other whatever time we have left together.

She badly wants children (I have two from a previous relationship).

She has said that she feels like she needs to start finding someone to have a family with as she's 33 so she recently told me that she wants to start dating other people.

However she also said she isn't ready to let me go. She has suggested she start dating other people on the weekends I have my children with me, and seeing me the weekends I don't.

She apparently told her friends that she wants to be my friend and lover, but also date other people.

Her friends have said this is the "best way" and if I cared about her, I'd understand, as it means she can still be there to support me, but allows her to still have a future.

She says that by asking her to commit, I'm being selfish and using her.

What do people think about this situation?

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/10/2021 04:53

Wow that's pretty messed up
Do you think she wants to be with you because you are ill? I mean would she be with you if you weren't? Maybe you need to have that difficult conversation with her.
She can't be with you and have one foot out the door with an eye on when you aren't around anymore :( that's cruel. I can't see how that would be ok for either of you. And what if she meets someone serious? He's expected to hang about in the background? It's a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
yabbadabbadoooo1 · 15/10/2021 04:57

She has said if I didn't have cancer and therefore could give her children (and be around to raise them) then yes, we'd be together.

However, her friends have always tried to encourage her to leave me, right since we met in 2019, and it seems to cause her some confusion. I get mixed messages. Sometimes she says she misses me and doesn't want me to die. Other times she says she's happy to move on and will be ok without me.

OP posts:
Duckypoohs · 15/10/2021 05:36

If she is being so practical she probably doesn't have very deep feelings for you, she probably doesn't want to look like a twat by leaving you in a time of need. Depends on what you want to happen really.

Aprilx · 15/10/2021 07:25

I don’t think that she reciprocates your feelings but she doesn’t want to look bad either. There is nothing selfish or using about wanting a commitment with somebody, this is what billions of people do, what a load of rubbish that is.

She is not going to be there for you in the way that you want. I think you need to decide whether you accept the companionship (for want of a better description) she can offer at this point.

Fireflygal · 15/10/2021 08:10

I'm so sorry you have this prognosis. How are your children coping? What age are they?

I imagine your gf feels conflicted with mixed emotions and thinks that a hybrid model is best but I think clean break would be better.

Original poster
yabbadabbadoooo1 · 15/10/2021 08:15

The children are doing ok. As well as can be expected.

One question I have is this. If she's hoping to meet her future husband, she'll be starting their relationship by dating him while she is also dating me. But presumably she won't tell him this. So their relationship will start on dishonest grounds. I can't personally see any virtue to her position at all. It feels like she wants to keep me around just until she is sorted so she doesn't hurt as much, and then cast me aside once she is... That's how it appears to me.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/10/2021 09:22

Given you've only known each other 2 years and already split in that time, I doubt this is a solid relationship. I'd guess there is a bit of an age gap which may be why her friends have always disapproved. I'd say at a time like this, long term friends and family are a better choice to spend your precious time with. If she knows your prognosis and can't wait a few months before cracking on with someone else, that shows that her feelings for you are not very deep. Has your illness come to light since you got back already together, or known prior?
Your DC's and others close to you may regret any time they come to lose on her account, especially as she doesn't come across as genuine. In fact most people would find her suggestion outrageous and distasteful, not to mention disrespectful to you. I'd of thought a bit better of her if she only offered platonic support, but to effectively two-time you at this time just shines a poor light on her character. Whatever you do, don't promise to bequeathe anything to her, or you will wonder till the end about her motives, as will others.

Munchkinpumpkin · 15/10/2021 09:25

I cant imagine treating someone i truly loved like this.. i would end it

Ginger1982 · 15/10/2021 09:38

You need to stop focusing on her, frankly weird, view and focus on yourself and your children. They may seem ok now but as someone who lost a parent at a young age they will be dealing with a lot.

altmember · 15/10/2021 09:51

So what happens when she starts dating someone she really likes? She'll just dump you then? Carry on seeing both of you? Who does she think she'll attract when she tells blokes she already has a boyfriend? The only ones that'll continue to see her are those that see it as a commitment free ride.

If someone came on here and said they'd started dating someone who still has a terminally ill partner, they'd get told to run for the hills (and rightly so).

Her friends sound like a horrible bunch too. Either she needs to commit to staying loyal to you, or the relationship needs to end. Maybe this is one of those rate scenarios where it's possible to go from lovers straight to platonic friendship?

Sakurami · 15/10/2021 10:43

I'm so sorry op.

However, she's in a difficult position because staying with you may lessen her chance of finding someone else to have a future and children with.

However, I couldn't imagine finishing with my boyfriend because they were ill.

What caused you to split up that you got together this year again?

TinnedPotatoesRock · 15/10/2021 10:54

I wouldn't wait for her to make up her mind, I'd be ditching her first

scoobydoo1971 · 15/10/2021 10:57

I have a life-changing injury. It is not life-limiting anymore as surgeons have done some work to prevent that. I have a boyfriend. His attitude towards me hasn't changed through this episode, and he hasn't asked to leave the relationship because I am now disabled. I think if you are terminally ill, you should focus on your comfort and well-being in the time you have left. If your partner is eroding that through requests, get rid of them. The principle focus right now should be YOU.

TheFoundations · 15/10/2021 11:04

@yabbadabbadoooo1

The children are doing ok. As well as can be expected.

One question I have is this. If she's hoping to meet her future husband, she'll be starting their relationship by dating him while she is also dating me. But presumably she won't tell him this. So their relationship will start on dishonest grounds. I can't personally see any virtue to her position at all. It feels like she wants to keep me around just until she is sorted so she doesn't hurt as much, and then cast me aside once she is... That's how it appears to me.

Your time is so precious. Don't waste it on someone who makes you feel like this.

Focus on you, and spending time with people who make you feel loved and valued, and doing things you love.

So sorry about your diagnosis. When my partner was in your shoes, I would have felt evil to do to her what this woman is doing to you. She's not prioritising you at all. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
yabbadabbadoooo1 · 15/10/2021 11:04

She has offered a platonic relationship on occasions. However I can't accept that. It would hurt too much watching her fall in love with someone else. Also, she and I both know we'd end up in bed.

Yes - staying with me might limit her chances of having kids. I really understand that. I suggested freezing her eggs. That way, she could still have biological children with someone at a later date.

I could go on for a few years yet - we simply don't know. So I do understand this is hard for her.

But I don't understand the mentality. She expects to meet someone else, who she won't tell about me. She said she'll keep me a secret from them. I don't see how that is a good start for dating someone you intent to one day marry and have kids with.

I find it odd. And she says I'm being selfish for wanting a normal, caring, monogamous relationship.

I did suggest that if she can't do that, we instead just meet purely for sex. No emotions. No talking about important stuff. Just sex. She refused that too, because apparently she wants more from me than that...

I find it confusing but she and her friends seem to think it's totally ok.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 15/10/2021 11:10

That’s just so fucked up. She’s not being fair to your feelings at all.

Is it worth the grief.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/10/2021 11:12

She obviously doesn't feel that strongly about you, and we haven't got any control over who we love or how deeply we feel. Having said that, though, she can't have it both ways. Either she wants you or she doesn't. Maybe she thinks she's being kind by not deserting you altogether. It's your call. Do you want to accept what little she's offering?

MoreAloneTime · 15/10/2021 11:17

Come on you know no good will come from this. Sometimes there isn't a compromise between what two people want or need. You are better being supported by those who are committed to you.

Fireflygal · 15/10/2021 17:38

You know her, we don't and can't judge her as we don't know the full circumstances.

However I don't think freezing eggs is a good situation for her and she has a right to want to maximise the chance to have a family.

How old are your children? Do you have a good relationship with your ex? What about friends? Focus on these areas and let this woman go...she might not want to hurt you so thinks she can balance dating and you as a platonic friend but ultimately if she finds someone you will be hurt.

I think if she explains to a new partner your situation they will be slightly more understanding and not judge her.

Original poster
yabbadabbadoooo1 · 15/10/2021 18:26

" she has a right to want to maximise the chance to have a family"

I totally agree. Actually though, I think it's a power thing for her. Up until recently (or maybe even still) she was still meeting her ex from before me. It was clear he still had feelings, and she was meeting him for dinner quite often. She couldn't see that she was leading him on. Eventually, he turned up at her flat out of the blue. So she stopped replying and told him to leave her alone. Took years though.

I think she just needs the validation of men chasing her.

Which means yeah, I'm not going to become one of those.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 15/10/2021 18:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2021 18:42

Sorry about your diagnosis OP. And I'm sorry you've got involved with this selfish, manipulative twat.

"Her friends think it's a good idea" Oh do they really? Have they said this to you? No? It's just what she says they say? What a surprise 🤔

It's a very common tactic for persuading people to do something they're not inclined to do. It's usually used to get people to spend money, ie its a sales tactic. It's called "social proof". "Get the new razor everyone is raving about! People in [your town] are using this revolutionary new weight loss method! Check out the 5 star reviews on this meal delivery service!"

Pretty harmless in advertising. But I've seen it on many a thread on here where women have been coerced into sex acts they don't want by a lying partner saying "all my friends have anal with their wives and they said you must be frigid".

This is the exact technique your "partner" is using. Tell her to sling her fucking hook.

Leave
The
Bitch!

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/10/2021 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Palavah · 15/10/2021 19:04

I'm sorry about your prognosis. I'm afraid I don't think she wants to be with you - evidenced by the fact she's offered you a platonic relatiobship - and she doesn't have your best interests at heart and will cause you more pain from here onwards which is not what you want now.

Focus the time you have left on the people who do love you.

altmember · 15/10/2021 20:23

The more I think about it, the more I think you need to end it yourself. She's laid her cards on the table, and she probably doesn't have the heart to dump you. As awful a situation as it is, I think you need to be the one to set her free.

Alternatively, depending on the range of your prognosis, would you consider fathering a child with her? Would she with you? Appreciate it's far from an ideal scenario to be conceiving a child in, but plenty of children are raised by single parents these days. And it's quite likely she'll meet someone else later on.