Opinions on this?

[yabbadabbadoooo1]

My ex and I started seeing each other again back towards the beginning of the year. We had a great time, but I have cancer and don't know how long I have left but it could be just months.

I love her and want is to commit to each other whatever time we have left together.

She badly wants children (I have two from a previous relationship).

She has said that she feels like she needs to start finding someone to have a family with as she's 33 so she recently told me that she wants to start dating other people.

However she also said she isn't ready to let me go. She has suggested she start dating other people on the weekends I have my children with me, and seeing me the weekends I don't.

She apparently told her friends that she wants to be my friend and lover, but also date other people.

Her friends have said this is the "best way" and if I cared about her, I'd understand, as it means she can still be there to support me, but allows her to still have a future.

She says that by asking her to commit, I'm being selfish and using her.

What do people think about this situation?

Other times she says she's happy to move on and will be ok without me.

It might be true but it's not a very nice thing to say.

I think she's upsetting you and you'd be happier if you cut ties with her.

I think she just needs the validation of men chasing her.

I think that if you think this about someone, it's time to split up as it honestly sounds like there's quite a lot of contempt and disdain from your side.

I'm so sorry to hear you're unwell, I think your focus has to be on people who enrich your life in the moment rather than spending energy on people causing stress / anxiety / frustration.

It sounds absolutely best for both of you to end it

" I'm afraid I don't think she wants to be with you - evidenced by the fact she's offered you a platonic relatiobship"

She didn't really - she said friends and lovers... she still wanted sex.
She wanted to be sleeping with me, and dating and possibly sleeping with others.

If I was just another person she had just started dating, fair enough. But we have history. We were engaged at one point. She still says she loves me.

She's fucking with your head OP.

@Ionlydomassiveones

EvenMoreFuriousVexation - your user name is spot on. What’s with the misogynistic name calling of a woman you don’t know, whose side of the story you don’t know?

That's not really how mumsnet works. We don't invite op's partner/family/colleagues/whatever to post, hear their "side of the story", then make a judgement. This isn't Judge Judy.

Do you think op's "partner"s suggestion is reasonable? Or are you too busy clutching your pearls at my use of "bitch"? (spoiler alert, we drop a lot of cunts on mumsnet)

Since I told her that I wasn't happy with her suggestion, she has basically stopped replying to any messages. For several days now.

If she's "coping with the idea of loss" how come she's so happy just to walk away now and have no contact? That's the no different from someone dying... You still have zero contact from them.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the posters that say she simply doesn't care and was just trying to have someone to support her until she found someone else because she's afraid of being alone. I think she wants control and likes guys chasing her. Even her ex before me she still had hanging around until very recently. She'd meet him for dinner, apparently to talk about issues he has with his gf. She said she was "helping him" but then he'd get upset with her for not seeing him more often, and ended up calling her selfish and a user.

If 2 of us now feel this way, chances are it's probably her.

I've decided to let her get on with her life. And actually, your responses have made me realise that she isn't a nice person. At all. So while I still love her (that doesn't go away just because I realise she's not a nice person, unfortunately) I am better off without the chaos in my life.

I'd have preferred to spend my last months with someone that I loved and cared about, and that I thought loved and cared about me. But that isn't going to happen. I don't want to date other people. I wanted something meaningful. I chose to spend my recent years trying to believe the things this person said to me were true. She said she wanted to be with me. At one point, just over a year ago, we got engaged. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I didn't plan it, and didn't have a ring. I then went in for major surgery just 2 weeks later. And to this day, she's still said it wasn't a real engagement because she didn't have a ring.

I have tried. She hasn't. And I have to accept that I love someone who doesn't, and probably never did, love me. So why did she stay? Well, I can only guess. But I think it's a power/control thing.

Whatever, I'm done with it.

Thanks for your responses all, and yes, the relationships I have with my kids, family and friends are solid. I'll be ok. I wanted that special someone too, of course I did. And I tried. And I picked the wrong person. But that is what it is. I'm proud of what I have done.

I'm so very sorry for what you must be going through xx

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I would agree from what you've said she doesn't sound like a particularly nice person. I couldn't put someone I loved through it, she should be with you properly or leave you, it's the most honest. Hope you're alright.

I'm also so sorry you are going through this
She sounds absolutely vile and I hope soon you will realise your precious time will be better spent without her

What matters now is those solid relationships you talked about

Take care 💐

@Ionlydomassiveones

“I suggested freezing her eggs. That way, she could still have biological children with someone at a later date.”

I’m sorry about your situation but this is quite a selfish suggestion too. She’s seeing other men because her biological clock is ticking. It’s a very powerful instinct. If she didn’t care about you she would’ve moved on completely. It seems like it’s probably best for you to both move on if you’re not going to have a family together.

Maybe I failed to mention, but I told her about the Cancer from the start. Yet she let us get close and we even agreed to get married last year. Recently she's been talking about going on holiday together. Telling me she'll never find anyone like me etc.

I understand her wanting a family. But why stick around while someone falls in love with you if you always know you're going to hurt them?

That makes no sense to me.

I understand her wanting a family. But why stick around while someone falls in love with you if you always know you're going to hurt them?

It doesn't make sense to you because you're someone who cares about not hurting others. Unfortunately she doesn't give a shit about others, only herself.

I hope you're okay today. I know it stings when someone who professed to love you just drops you like a brick.

What do you think about blocking her? I would be concerned that she might message you in a few days and worm her way back in.

Op, people do change their minds, especially about having children. It can become a high priority as she realises her fertility window is closing.

She is clearly conflicted as sending you mixed messages and seems to be looking for solutions that might keep you happy and gives her a chance of children. However for both your sakes I think it's time to let this relationship go.

People are allowed to change their minds, what they think at the outset of a relationship isn't always the same a few years later.

"Op, people do change their minds, especially about having children. It can become a high priority as she realises her fertility window is closing."

I think the point is lost here. She apparently wants to meet this future husband/father by starting their relationship while she is also still seeing, and sleeping with me, someone she's previously been engaged with.

She doesn't just want to end things and walk away. That would be totally acceptable and normal.

Instead, she wants to keep me around (which will ultimately hurt me more) until she meets someone else (not telling them about seeing me), so it will hurt her less.

Do you really think that is ok?

I should also say, it seems very disrespectful to her dates. I know if someone was dating me and secretly going on holiday with their ex, and I later married and had children with that person, I'd be broken if I ever found out.

The way she is suggesting is simple to gain power.

Since I refused her suggestion, she's stopped responding to me entirely. She's totally stonewalling me, which I've read is an abusive tactic used by people to manipulate and control.

The more time goes on, the more I'm sure this is about control and power.

I just found a recent whatsapp message from her that hopefully clarifies a few things:

"I do love you. That’s why I am so scared what should I do when you are gone . So I am thinking about my escape route. If I fall in love with someone else before you are gone, I will be okay"

I think that sums it up a bit better, no?

As raw as it is OP, I think you are better off without all the head fucking the situation was doing and would have no doubt continued to do.

I do wonder if her motivation could have also been possibly financial? Did she expect to benefit from a bequest? But regardless it was totally selfish of her to suggest any type of arrangement to you.

I hope that you continue to have no contact going forward and that you spend every moment you have surrounded by family and friends who truly love and care about you.

Don't think it was financial. She has her own business and is doing very well.

‘She expects to meet someone else, who she won't tell about me. She said she'll keep me a secret from them.’

Oh lord no. No thank you to this bullshit. She’s doing you a favour with the silent treatment, believe me. Pray it continues. I’m sorry you’ve been through such a headfuck at such a desperately hard time, I hope you have folks around you who truly care x

I think the one that really hurt was the "I do love you. That’s why I am so scared what should I do when you are gone . So I am thinking about my escape route. If I fall in love with someone else before you are gone, I will be okay"

I can't get my head around that....