Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex is the issue

31 replies

Organise · 14/10/2021 16:59

Just gone off it with my husband of 20 years. Im happy to just carry on living together without all that but he wants to for sure. Hes almost turning into a sex pest. Grabbing my arse/tits/hugging me/kissing me when he can. Weve tried talking and ive pointed out he doesnt do much around the house and im tired and stressed out. Maybe that would help. He is doing a tiny bit more but its like he does something and expects me to do something in return. We have a night away coming up that hes booked (without kids) and im dreading it tbh. I know he’s expecting sex. How do i handle this without hurting his feelings. I just dont want to do it….

He does shout at me and has a bad one when we go to bed if hes got it in his head were going to be doing it that night and i dont want to and say no im tired because i am. Its a bit embarrassing tbh but ive not led him on during the day to think that. I cant kiss or hug him as he instantly takes it that im up for something. Its just draining…help!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 14/10/2021 17:05

I'm so sorry you are facing this horrible situation. I'm sure someone with show up who can explain this better than I can. It's all too common that some men just do not see the connection between they way they do not pull their weight with household and parenting, so that their partner is tired and resentful and not interested in intimacy.

The idea that washing a few plates would have a direct and immediate impact on the sexual relations is even worse.

How about having a conversation about what it means to coerce a partner into having sex and how they would feel about that.

He might not like the idea but that is what he is doing. So sorry. It's a terrible place to be.

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2021 17:12

He sounds like a sex pest
Why are you staying with him?

category12 · 14/10/2021 17:19

Did you used to enjoy and want sex with him?

Do you have no sexual desire at all, or none for him specifically?

The way he's handling lack of sex is all wrong - shouting at you, groping you etc = very off-putting, and, tbh, abusive.

StrongSunglasses · 14/10/2021 17:21

Neither of you sound happy with the situation. Do you even like him?

You have the right not to want sex, but he’s not wrong to want sex with his wife either; it’s very hard and hurtful to be in a sexless relationship as it makes you feel unattractive and just like housemates; intimacy is important IMO.

You’re on different pages so either need to work out a plan together where you’re both on board with working together to address this issue, or come up with an alternative plan such as splitting up or opening up the marriage.

BreadPita · 14/10/2021 17:21

Do you think he could realistically do something to become someone you'd want to have sex with?
If yes, tell him what that is, if no, tell him that his options are being married with no sex or being divorced and trying his luck in the wild.
If you're looking for a way of making him content with never having sex again, you can ask your GP about medical castrations.

curiouslypacific · 14/10/2021 17:28

Well to be honest I wouldn't want to shag a shouty sex pest either. I suspect he won't suddenly become kind and thoughtful, but you could try couples counselling to see if you can get things back on track. I don't think staying together and avoiding sex is the answer though, you both seem rather unhappy with the status quo.

Itstimetoquit · 14/10/2021 17:29

I would find that a turn off!

Quartz2208 · 14/10/2021 17:32

I think your husband is your issue and I am not sure how you can solve it it sounds no way to live for anyone

Purplewithred · 14/10/2021 17:37

Why do some men do this? What possible reason can they have for thinking being a gropy lazy sulker is going to get them a shag? Or do they not care that if it does get them a shag it will be a resentful shag from someone who thinks they are revolting?

Straight talk, counselling, you have my sympathy (been there, go the decree absolute).

Original poster
Organise · 14/10/2021 19:28

I did used to enjoy it. I just think perhaps a combination of young kids, teenagers and their issues, working full time, running a house, mental load etc are all getting to me. He works full time, will do man jobs eg mowing lawn, fixing the car and cooks. Im just tired and tbh its the last thing on my mind when i get into bed at night. Its the last few years ive gone off it. Same old same old. Feels like he loves me loads and wants me but im just a bit meh about it all. That sounds so bad

OP posts:
BrendaBubbles · 14/10/2021 19:50

ive pointed out he doesnt do much around the house and im tired and stressed out. Maybe that would help. He is doing a tiny bit more but its like he does something and expects me to do something in return

To be fair you did pitch it that way.. “Maybe that would help.” So he’s seen it as a quid pro quo. This is why you shouldn’t ever give suggestions to what someone can do in order to get something they want as they’ll see it as a trade. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to and that is that.

Quartz2208 · 14/10/2021 20:05

Actually a man who loves you loads would share the load with you OP. Dont mix desire/lust for love.

walkingthedog1 · 14/10/2021 20:10

I'm in a similar situation: long marriage, most of the time I can't be bothered with sex anymore, he still wants it. Its potentially poisonous and difficult to see a solution.

wobblywinelover · 14/10/2021 20:16

@Purplewithred

Why do some men do this? What possible reason can they have for thinking being a gropy lazy sulker is going to get them a shag? Or do they not care that if it does get them a shag it will be a resentful shag from someone who thinks they are revolting?

Straight talk, counselling, you have my sympathy (been there, go the decree absolute).

I totally agree. When I split with my ex he blamed me because I didn't want to have sex with him. (He had developed terrible halitosis which had failed to resolve despite trying different things, and also turned into a completely boring uninspiring drippy person with no backbone). He blamed me for it all saying that if he had been having sex he wouldn't have turned into a boring b**tard. (which I think was ridiculous). So I said we've got to end it then, to which he agreed.

I'm still astounded by it all. Do men expect sex all the time, otherwise they turn into terrible partners? My ex wasn't having sex when he first met me and was a wonderful guy then....

I hate relationships, i've avoided them since. Sorry if not relevant to the thread I just felt compelled to share my thoughts on it

Original poster
Organise · 14/10/2021 20:21

Its just when he had his meltdowns and tbh says hurtful things in the heat of the moment, i feel like saying to him thats not going to make me want it! Ive half jokingly said to get it elsewhere if hes that bothered about sex and he was shocked. I dont think he would be happy to have an open relationship. If i never had to do it again with him, it wouldnt bother me. I do find other blokes attractive i just think im bored of the same sex routine/person

OP posts:
Original poster
Organise · 14/10/2021 20:44

Maybe im beginning to get the ick. Were good friends but im struggling to hug and kiss etc when its like were more good friends if you know what i mean. Like brother and sister. I just find it a bit eww. He says we need to do it more 🙄

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 14/10/2021 20:52

Men just don't want to get that being an equal partner is the best foreplay.

Not just man jobs. Mental load, cleaning, cooking, childcare. If OP is too tired because she's doing it all and he's got more free time, of course that's a turn off.

They want the maid, the nanny, the admin assistant, but also sex on tap.

Youre tired, and you resent him. Of course you don't want sex.

Original poster
Organise · 14/10/2021 21:29

@Sparklfairy spot on

OP posts:
Marrple · 14/10/2021 22:19

It’s not just that though is it. It’s boredom with the same person. People change and the version of your partner now is often very different from the version you married. If you don’t grow together then you grow apart and whilst men seem to be able to have sex regardless, it’s not that simple for women.

Hont1986 · 14/10/2021 22:34

I wouldn't be thrilled if my husband decided he was happy to continue living together "without all that" if all that included hugs and kisses.

freeatlast2021 · 14/10/2021 23:15

Dear OP I am sorry you are going through this and I totally understand as I was in the same boat. I have lost my sexual desire years ago and although I do not know exactly what the reason was I suspect it was the fact that my husband was not giving me what I wanted. He was helping around the house, at least in the early days, but over time I started feeling like he does not listen to me, understands me, respects me, appreciates me. He was very stubborn and controlling and narcissistic, things had to be his way or else. No, he was never physically abusive, but I felt abused, emotionally and financially. All this was killing my desire. I kept telling him not to pick fights with me on the days he was hoping to be intimate with me, because this was a major put off for me, but he did not seem to understand. I guess for men, sex is lot more physical and automatic, while for a women there is a whole lot more involved, emotionally and spiritually. When we would have problems it was obvious that he was only concerned about not having sex, all else seemed less important. He thought if we did have sex all is well. For a very long time, I would humor him, try my best to get intimate with him at least once a week, just to keep the peace in the house. He would get upset if he would sense that I was not "into" it. He did not want me to just do it, he wanted me to enjoy it too. This was so confusing to me, I was thinking, how do I "make myself" to enjoy something I did not.

Anyway, 25 years later, I decided enough was enough and I told him I wanted to end our marriage. I am not saying that this is what you should do, or that it is somewhere you are headed, but just sharing my experience. I find that women with loving and caring husbands do not complain about them pestering them to have sex with them, they do it because they want it and when they want it. Sex, however, is often a symptom that the marriage is in crises, so it should not be ignored.

I wish you all the best OP and hope that you solve this puzzle soon. Everyone deserves to be happy. Hugs. Flowers

Original poster
Organise · 15/10/2021 06:53

I have at times just put a brave face on and done it because i didnt want him to shout at me/sulk. For years tbh. I just dont anymore. If i gave him any sign, even a jokey flirt during the day, he takes that as read that im up for it later. Im constantly on edge in the way i speak etc. i feel like im turning into a bore as i cant have a laugh and loosen up because of this

OP posts:
ChristmasWithDC · 15/10/2021 07:01

Have you actually spoken to him about it? It seems that you’ve made a decision to never have sex with your husband again without telling him and seem annoyed that he’s is still expecting it.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship. Some sexless marriages survive but you need to have an open dialogue. You’re pissed off that he’s wanting to have sex with you. He’s probably hurt and confused as to why he’s constantly being rejected. Have the conversation but you’ve got to have it knowing that there’s a chance your husband might not want to continue the relationship.

barbrahunter · 15/10/2021 07:39

I had this with my ex. He was a sex pest, the same as your husband, OP. He got nastier and nastier about it over the years and it was a great relief when we finally split up. You do not have to give in to something you don't want.

Quartz2208 · 15/10/2021 07:56

I think honestly and understandably I think for you it is over - you no longer want a relationship with him. Things that have happened in the past mean that you have had enough and that is ok

Your issue is I think that you dont want to take that step to admit it