Sex is the issue

[Organise]

Just gone off it with my husband of 20 years. Im happy to just carry on living together without all that but he wants to for sure. Hes almost turning into a sex pest. Grabbing my arse/tits/hugging me/kissing me when he can. Weve tried talking and ive pointed out he doesnt do much around the house and im tired and stressed out. Maybe that would help. He is doing a tiny bit more but its like he does something and expects me to do something in return. We have a night away coming up that hes booked (without kids) and im dreading it tbh. I know he’s expecting sex. How do i handle this without hurting his feelings. I just dont want to do it….

He does shout at me and has a bad one when we go to bed if hes got it in his head were going to be doing it that night and i dont want to and say no im tired because i am. Its a bit embarrassing tbh but ive not led him on during the day to think that. I cant kiss or hug him as he instantly takes it that im up for something. Its just draining…help!

@ChristmasWithDC

Exactly that! These threads are never very empathetic with the pest because men don't handle their emotions very well or appropriately, but in most likelihood you're right. Anger in this instance is her DH way of dealing with that he is hurt. He is so desperate that OP won't even hug him anymore because just her touch gets his hopes up.

OP I think that you need to sit down and talk to your partner and discuss what it is that your relationship is truly lacking in: Communication.

I don't know how much you've talked about this with him.

I'd definitely make it clear that shouting and sulking is such a huge turn off.

As for the house, what would happen if you just stopped doing everything?

Pick out a few things you're committed to keep doing and let the rest go and when someone asks or complains you can say, well I guess one of you will have to figure it out.

They'll have to do something instead of knowing that you're the default person who will do it.

Its all just a mess really. Yes communication is not good. We need to talk about this.

Glad you're going to talk to him.

Maybe he'll realise that being shouty and a sex pest isn't going to get him anywhere and he'll stop.

It sounds like nothing is going to get him there though which is why OP needs to speak to him. If you can see yourself never wanting sex with him again you need to tell him now so he can either come to terms with it or move on. After Dc2 was born my husband wouldn’t come near me for 4 years but refused to say outright that he didn’t want to be intimate with me - it was always the wrong time, he was tired or stressed or the cat was watching us. It absolutely destroyed my self esteem, I spent thousands on beauty treatments, lost a stone at the gym, bought sexy dresses, underwear, everything I could think of and it just crushed me being rejected again and again. Please just tell him that you don’t want sex with him.

I absolutely agree that it is all about communication. However, in my first serious relationship (aged 19/20 onwards) I experienced what I read here

He had no concept that if he was angry or critical, it would take away any sexual desire I had. At some point then, I tipped over the edge snd didn't want to be with him at all.

I'm now happy with someone else but sometimes wonder why or how on earth sec was seemingly more important than literally anything else to 'him'. Can't imagine wanting to have sec with someone less than keen and think surely you think about how to make sure they are happy.

Sigh.