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Original poster

Is he interested or not that bothered?

68 replies

Strawberrydessert · 14/10/2021 07:44

I met a guy through a social hobby 2 weeks ago... really hit it off, great chemistry, laughing the whole evening etc..

  • he text me immediately the next morning saying it was nice to meet me etc...
  • we have text every day since then (90% initiated by him). We have had one phone call which was last Wednesday where we told eachother we "like" each other.... he said that he wanted to keep getting to know me, and didn't want to push anything... since then he has continued to text me every day but hasn't asked me to meet up! We have never hung out just the 2 of us.
  • he is very flirty/playful and teases me a lot, so much so that it is confusing to me how he actually views me and if he likes me! I know boys would tease girls in school when they like them, but he is 32!
  • we have seen eachother 5 times in a group setting for our hobby over the past few weeks, I feel like he isn't that interested to speak to me in a group setting...i can't tell if he is playing it cool, or just not bothered. But as soon as I leave, I will get home and see that he has text me saying it was nice to see me even though in person he just didn't seem that bothered about talking to me
  • last Friday we almost kissed, he walked me to my car and he kinda went to kiss me, but I kind of pulled back because I don't want to kiss him when he hasn't asked me on a date... I really wanted to kiss him but I don't want to be used
  • he never asks me any questions about myself, or questions in general! Although he messages me every day, they are just silly messages... I feel like he isn't interested in getting to know me on a deeper level. When I have tried to throw in conversation topics, he doesnt run with them. It makes me feel like I'm just there for him to flirt with

I know the simplest thing here is for me to just ask him out myself, but I feel resistant to that. So many people say that if a guy likes you, he will tell you and show you. I've chased guys before and it has never worked!! I'm not worried about him rejecting me, I'm worried that he will say yes, but I will feel like I like him more than he likes me and I don't want to get hurt or be used

What do you think?

OP posts:
Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 10:07

@TheFoundations @gannett The OP said it herself, she has pursued men in the past and it hasn't worked out. There's a reason for that. Generally speaking, men tend to go after the women they want, yes, even the shy ones. I understand we live in a world very intent on pretending that gender roles are a social construct and to a degree they are, but things like this don't change. Of course there will be outliers but I've seen many women embarrass themselves and get hurt by buying into this "some men are just shy/why don't you ask him out its 2020?" business, including myself and I would hope to avoid that for the OP.

MushMonster · 14/10/2021 10:08

What a waste of head space! Next!
If it is not taking off, it is not meant to be.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 10:16

@Poppins88

but I've seen many women embarrass themselves and get hurt by buying into this "some men are just shy/why don't you ask him out its 2020?" business, including myself

That's because you think the conversation 'Will you go on a date with me?' 'No, I don't want to' is a painful and embarrassing personal blow. Which is exactly what a woman from 1950 would feel, because women then were not taught to have enough self esteem to accept rejection and move on in a positive frame of mind.

Some men ask, some don't. Some women ask, some don't.

If you're generalising, it's because your experience is with a particular sector of society. There's a big world out there, you know.

And there's a much better level of self confidence you could have that would enable you to ask a bloke out, and then not feel 'embarrassed and hurt' by the feelings of some bloke you've never even dated.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 10:18

The OP said it herself, she has pursued men in the past and it hasn't worked out

And yes, of course she has. Clearly she has more to learn about picking appropriate candidates. We can see that from the thread itself.

thedevilinablackdress · 14/10/2021 10:24

Are men not potentially embarrassed or hurt too @Poppins88 ?

Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 11:02

@TheFoundations well I have to say I wouldn't know what a woman from the 50s would think or feel given that I was born in the late 80s. I've lived in several countries as well as cities across the UK and currently live in London, so your ever so slightly patronising comment re. it being a big world isn't really needed. My high self esteem is precisely the reason I would never resort to chasing after a man or initiating contact with him. I would wager you aren't currently dating or at least haven't for a while? I am and have been for the last year and I can assure you that across the breadth of experiences I've had in this area one thing has been consistent: the men that were interested in me made themselves known, the ones that were on the fence and were bored acted in exactly the manner described by OP. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this.

Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 11:04

@thedevilinablackdress in the specific examples I've outlined no. Obviously all humans have the capacity to feel those emotions, I'm not quite sure what your point is.

gannett · 14/10/2021 11:06

the men that were interested in me made themselves known, the ones that were on the fence and were bored acted in exactly the manner described by OP.

And the ones who were interested but too unconfident or shy to pursue you like what Real Men do - you never knew about in the first place.

Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 11:16

@gannett I'm sorry but I just don't buy that. I've had men ask me out, literally blushing & shaking because of how shy/nervous they were. They pushed past that because of their attraction to me. These men your referencing may have been interested but if they're not willing to act on it, they simply didn't like me ENOUGH. I'm not suggesting that this is anything to do with their manhood re. your "real man" dig, I'm suggesting the desire isn't really there.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:20

[quote Poppins88]@TheFoundations well I have to say I wouldn't know what a woman from the 50s would think or feel given that I was born in the late 80s. I've lived in several countries as well as cities across the UK and currently live in London, so your ever so slightly patronising comment re. it being a big world isn't really needed. My high self esteem is precisely the reason I would never resort to chasing after a man or initiating contact with him. I would wager you aren't currently dating or at least haven't for a while? I am and have been for the last year and I can assure you that across the breadth of experiences I've had in this area one thing has been consistent: the men that were interested in me made themselves known, the ones that were on the fence and were bored acted in exactly the manner described by OP. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this.[/quote]
This is brilliant Grin Grin

I'm so sorry. I utterly bow to your wide and worldly experience. It's so good that you know so much.

Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 11:32

@TheFoundations I'm not proposing I know everything, I was responding to your condescending implication that I'm small minded and unaware that there is a big world out there. It is entirely possible to disagree with someone and not resort to sarcasm.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:40

[quote Poppins88]@TheFoundations I'm not proposing I know everything, I was responding to your condescending implication that I'm small minded and unaware that there is a big world out there. It is entirely possible to disagree with someone and not resort to sarcasm.[/quote]
Nobody was being sarcastic. I was condescending/patronising because you have the attitude that you know so much, even down to guessing about my love life; the need to drop to such a personal level is very revealing.

Anyway, let's drop it. Although I'm sure you'll have to have the last word, given the ego you seem to feel the need to defend!

Original poster
Strawberrydessert · 14/10/2021 11:41

I don't have a problem asking a guy out... I have done it before, and I would do it again... but only if I thought they liked me but were just too awkward or nervous to ask me themselves.

My fear isn't this guy saying no - because then at least I would know where I stand. My fear is this guy saying yes, but saying yes for the "wrong" reasons i.e. sex, fling, something casual...or just saying yes because I'm good enough, rather than because he actually really likes me.

We have our hobby tomorrow so I will see him tomorrow, and I think I will just say something and get it over with. I will just say I like him, but I'm not interested in this texting back and forth anymore and see how he responds.

I know it shouldn't be this hard or confusing, I think I haven't helped matters as I have engaged in the flirting/teasing conversations.

I just wrote down how things may look from his perspective as well...

  • I text her the day after meeting saying it was nice to meet her
  • I initiate the majority of the texting
  • I went to kiss her but she wasn't sure and so it didn't happen
  • I mentioned about popping by for a hug and she made a joke about it/didn't take me up on it
  • She hasn't asked me out herself
  • Sometimes she hasn't replied to my messages
  • She teases me and it is hard to tell how serious she is (even though she told me liked me)
  • She seems very confident
  • She seems to get on well with other guys at our joint hobby

I need to just speak to him tomorrow I think!

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 14/10/2021 11:45

I think you're just there to flatter his ego. He likes the attention & flirting but has no intention of pursuing it. Stop responding to his messages, this is not going anywhere I'm afraid x

Love2Luv · 14/10/2021 11:46

Stop texting and tell him you’re busy if he asks why. That might spur him to ask you on a date. He’s probably too lazy to date and waits for the meet ups. I couldn’t be bothered with a lazy dater. Don’t ask him out or chase him. He knows he likes you. Tonnes of threads on here of women asking men out and never works. Not 1950s just evidence. Check out any threads about shall I message him / ask him out etc

Love2Luv · 14/10/2021 11:46

He knows you like him rather

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:50

@Love2Luv

Stop texting and tell him you’re busy if he asks why. That might spur him to ask you on a date. He’s probably too lazy to date and waits for the meet ups. I couldn’t be bothered with a lazy dater. Don’t ask him out or chase him. He knows he likes you. Tonnes of threads on here of women asking men out and never works. Not 1950s just evidence. Check out any threads about shall I message him / ask him out etc
Yes, that's because the women who ask men out, having chosen a suitable candidate and been successful, don't post on MN.

Jeez. This is like the 'You can always tell when someone is wearing a wig' argument!

Threads on MN aren't 'evidence' - they're a cross section of people who are pissed off because something has gone wrong for them.

It's like reading that a product has had 10 complaints and deducing that it's a crap product, without bothering to look at the fact that 9 million of them have been sold to customers who didn't bother to write to the complaints department to pass on how happy they were!

Original poster
Strawberrydessert · 14/10/2021 11:52

I feel like I've just been silly. I have tried to play it cool because I didn't want to come across too keen and desperate. For example, I probably act a lot more "cool" at our hobby when I see him...even though inside I'm just hoping that he will come over and talk to me. But I guess I wouldn't be playing cool, if he wasn't, and then it is just a silly game. Although he probably isn't even thinking about it at all like I am!

Ah, this just hurts my heard, and it is annoying. I think I need to just stop trying to play some sort of game where I'm not bothered, because I am bothered.

OP posts:
Poppins88 · 14/10/2021 11:52

@TheFoundations You've indirectly accused me of thinking like a 1950s housewife, questioned my self esteem and implied that I'm not worldly. You've now said I'm egotistical. I would say that's quite personal and much more in keeping with someone who believes they know more than others. I believe I've been respectful throughout this exchange and haven't been personal but I'm sorry if you've taken offence to my guessing that you're not in the dating game right now. It genuinely was not meant as an attack.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:58

@Strawberrydessert

I feel like I've just been silly. I have tried to play it cool because I didn't want to come across too keen and desperate. For example, I probably act a lot more "cool" at our hobby when I see him...even though inside I'm just hoping that he will come over and talk to me. But I guess I wouldn't be playing cool, if he wasn't, and then it is just a silly game. Although he probably isn't even thinking about it at all like I am!

Ah, this just hurts my heard, and it is annoying. I think I need to just stop trying to play some sort of game where I'm not bothered, because I am bothered.

Find somebody who, when you talk about your actions, you don't need to talk about 'playing it x or y'. That's not being yourself; that's trying to come across as someone you're not.

If you like him, let him know. Not just this guy, any guy. You don't have to 'ask them out on a date'. 'D'you fancy going for a coffee after this?' is a great line, and what follows will tell you everything you need to know.

Stop prancing about; spend time with people who make you feel good, and avoid people who make you feel confused or question yourself. You are wasting time by putting yourself in a position that makes you feel crap. You could be having fun!

Love2Luv · 14/10/2021 11:58

@TheFoundations I’ve liked some of your posts before but you seem angry lately and a bit rude tbh.
I’m talking about my lengthy life experience of dating and my social circle and yes, mn too as this is a reference point for all of us. I think I’m able to give op a steer based on a lot of experience. Surely of all the many posts on mn ‘shall I ask him out’ types , there would be a percentage of successful ones as a snapshot of real life. Sorry I think it only works for the minority. I’m allowed this view and many would agree. You are entitled to yours. That’s the point of a forum like this

Tiramiwho · 14/10/2021 12:05

Sorry but he sounds ridiculous OP.
Nearly kissed you in the carpark? ( Like you do..🤨 ) Ignores you In front of others then texts to ask if he should stop by for a hug when he passes?
Doesn't ask a single thing about you but flirts nonsense.
WTF?! 😑
He sounds like a 14year old..

One good thing post-pandemic? Bloody random men at my Gym who would think it perfectly ok to chat you up once or twice, then graduate to trying to cop a feel 😠hugs

CoronaPeroni · 14/10/2021 12:26

[quote Poppins88]@gannett I'm sorry but I just don't buy that. I've had men ask me out, literally blushing & shaking because of how shy/nervous they were. They pushed past that because of their attraction to me. These men your referencing may have been interested but if they're not willing to act on it, they simply didn't like me ENOUGH. I'm not suggesting that this is anything to do with their manhood re. your "real man" dig, I'm suggesting the desire isn't really there.[/quote]

Samantha Brick is that you?

todaysdilemma · 14/10/2021 12:31

@Sakurami

How have you hit it off if the man isn't interested in getting to know you or spend time with you?

Raise your standards and don't settle for these dregs

This.

He sounds like he needs attention/bored/likes a flirt. But isn't actually interested in dating you. Also odd he doesn't chat to you much in group setting.

But the not asking questions thing would put me right off. It's the worst quality in a man.

Stop flirting. Stop responding as much/frequently. And ignore him back in group settings.

todaysdilemma · 14/10/2021 12:40

@Strawberrydessert

I don't have a problem asking a guy out... I have done it before, and I would do it again... but only if I thought they liked me but were just too awkward or nervous to ask me themselves.

My fear isn't this guy saying no - because then at least I would know where I stand. My fear is this guy saying yes, but saying yes for the "wrong" reasons i.e. sex, fling, something casual...or just saying yes because I'm good enough, rather than because he actually really likes me.

We have our hobby tomorrow so I will see him tomorrow, and I think I will just say something and get it over with. I will just say I like him, but I'm not interested in this texting back and forth anymore and see how he responds.

I know it shouldn't be this hard or confusing, I think I haven't helped matters as I have engaged in the flirting/teasing conversations.

I just wrote down how things may look from his perspective as well...

  • I text her the day after meeting saying it was nice to meet her
  • I initiate the majority of the texting
  • I went to kiss her but she wasn't sure and so it didn't happen
  • I mentioned about popping by for a hug and she made a joke about it/didn't take me up on it
  • She hasn't asked me out herself
  • Sometimes she hasn't replied to my messages
  • She teases me and it is hard to tell how serious she is (even though she told me liked me)
  • She seems very confident
  • She seems to get on well with other guys at our joint hobby

I need to just speak to him tomorrow I think!

Reading this, tbh, given he tried to lean in for a kiss and alludes to hugs 2 weeks after you met and NO actual hug, I don't think he's lacking the confidence or assurance to ask you out.....so the whole argument that you should ask him out is moot. What man goes for a kiss but can't ask you out on a date or ask questions?!

Also, why do you need to coach a man you just met on asking you questions?! He may get better briefly but that's his personality. You haven't been on a date yet and already need to teach him how to date. Really!