I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[TheFoundations]

But if I DO decide to eat chocolate or crisps I don’t wish it to be commenter on. That’s all

And so, if it's making you unhappy, you need take responsibility for making it stop happening, by making your feelings clear and understood. If this doesn't work, you need to take responsibility for taking another option that will stop this making you unhappy.

Saying that your eating disorders aren't going to go away and there's nothing you can do about it is abject denial of responsibility, but if that's where you're at, as you say, nobody on the thread can help you.

Same as in any discussion; once the defences come up, you might as well walk away.

[Toastandcrumpets]

Eating chocolate and crisps doesn’t make me unhappy. The comments from OH do, though.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

Eating chocolate and crisps doesn’t make me unhappy. The comments from OH do, though.

Why don't you feel able to tell him to stop?

[category12]

So have you challenged him about it?

If not, why not?

Are you honest about what is going on with you?

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve answered both those. I’ve explained I came on here, looking for advice, support and sympathy. Of which I now realise was unrealistic.

[KirstenBlest]

@Toastandcrumpets, I see where you are coming from with this, and I may have added to your frustration.

I do think you should speak to someone, though. Dieting is not easy, and although meal replacements can be a help in losing weight, you need to have a sustainably healthy lifestyle.

When you start a thread, you get all sorts of answers, some mean, some hurtful, some kind etc.
Take a break, and review the thread when you feel up to it, and take away the advice that is useful to you.

Ask DH to not comment on your eating. It's not helping. I'd just answer with a jokey 'Stop the fatshaming, you' or something, but that's me.

why I can't do that to colleagues and friends and passers by, I don't know?

You've done brilliantly with the weight loss so far, and that's on top of the pandemic, FT work and bringing up your DC.

[Toastandcrumpets]

@KirstenBlest I know that and I am sorry for being probably unnecessarily snappy above.

But if we boil it down, people are saying I shouldn’t have posted the thread. I should talk to OH. And if I haven’t done so immediately this is because he is abusive or there is something else going on.

There isn’t. Last night (and tonight actually) aren’t great times, I felt frustrated with his comments when I was ‘caught’ with a mini apple pie and I posted about it here.

It’s not a massive deal, but it is annoying and it does mean I often try to smuggle food out!

[category12]

Just say "bugger off DH, I'm having a snack" instead of sneaking around.

[layladomino]

Hi @Toastandcrumpets

Just for a minute forget about what your OH thinks or wants.... what do you want? By that I mean, if it were just you and he didn't exist, how would you eat? (bearing in mind if you want to lose weight / enough to be healthy and not feel you're lacking energy).

Then bear in mind that everyone has 'off' days when we go a bit mad break our self-imposed rules.

So, with all that in mind, why can't you eat like that when your OH is around? You have contradicted yourself by saying he isn't unkind, but he makes you feel bad / guilty / is stopping you eating how you want.

So is he unkind? Judgemental? Makes you feel guilty? Has digs? Does he make comments about your weight that make you feel uncomfortable? Do his comments affect your self-confidence? If he is undermining you and being unkind then you have a OH problem, not a food problem.

Aside from food, how is your relationship? Do you feel like you're a partnership of 2 equals, with mutual respect, love, concern, sharing the workload and the worries, laughing together, havign each others' backs??

If everything else is good, then there is hope. But if you generally don't feel supported, loved, cared for, respected, then you have a much bigger problem than him judging what you eat, and you would be better off without him.

[TheFoundations]

But if we boil it down, people are saying I shouldn’t have posted the thread

Nobody is saying this. People are trying to help you get to the root of why this 'not a big deal' is bothering you enough to post a thread. Is it your husband's poor behaviour, is it all down to your eating issues, is it the apple pie's fault, etc etc. I think people are trying to help you pull it apart so that they can give you good advice, although I may only be speaking for myself.

What it boils down to is that you feel you have an eating disorder, and your husband is making it harder for you. That's either down to him not caring that you feel bad, or you not doing your part in the communications of emotion that are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

I mean, it might be the apple pie's fault, but it's so unlikely

If you can drop your defences, a whole bunch of things could change. Eating disorders themselves are often self protection based. Your defences might be at the root of more dissatisfaction in your life than you know.

[shumway]

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I get it. People commenting on you eating can be extremely triggering.

[Toastandcrumpets]

Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need to be having a really hard time to post a thread.

Thanks @shumway

[TheFoundations]

@Toastandcrumpets

Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need to be having a really hard time to post a thread.

Thanks *@shumway*

So there's not an issue you want advice on, then? This doesn't make sense. Nobody is talking about the magnitude of the issue. People are just trying to advise you on the issue you've presented, via potential causes and potential solutions.

Now you're even defensive about why you've posted the thread in the first place.

You need to talk to your husband and let him know that when he does x, you feel y. See if he respects that. If not, you need to take further steps. The only other ways forward are to leave him without a word, or carry on as you are, and neither of those is sensible. All of the possible ways forward involve you doing something about the problem you have, because he isn't going to change unless he knows how you feel.

[Bluntness100]

People are trying to help you op. Other than say there there he’s a cunt what do you wish.

If he doesn’t know you have an eating disorder, because it’s secret, that you refuse to seek help for, and you won’t tell him to stop making any reference to your food intake, then I am unsure what’s to be done.

Either tell him you don’t wish him to ever make any comment ever about what you eat and then eat as you please in front of him or continue like this, being annoyed and secretly bingeing.

[KirstenBlest]

Can we take the 'eating disorder' tag off for now, as it's just loading more to OP's load.

Sneaking a mini apple pie when on a diet isn't afaik an eating disorder.

[Toastandcrumpets]

Where have I implied that @Bluntness100?

I don’t call people cunts especially not my own partner.

[daisyjgrey]

@Toastandcrumpets

And I don’t think there is anything else going on.

I have problems with food and my relationship us currently hindering this.

You have problems with food BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.

You sneak food and eat in private, you substitute meals with liquid replacements and you said you have never and probably will never 'eat normally'.

If your husband is making twatty comments you tell him to fuck off and crack on. Except you don't, because you have an eating disorder.

You need to seek help for it, not look for strategies to further disorder your eating.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’ve answered both those. I’ve explained I came on here, looking for advice, support and sympathy. Of which I now realise was unrealistic.

I've just reread all of your posts and I can't see anywhere that you have explained why you can't tell him to stop or what he would do if you did. Lots about not blaming him for what you eat, but that's not what we asked.

Closest thing I can find is, on being asked if you've spoken to him about it: "No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first."

Once again, I don't think you're deliberately lying, but you don't seem to have a handle on what's going on and that's one reason why I think there's a lot going on here.

[Toastandcrumpets]

But @daisyjgrey, it is not a case of rocking up to a pharmacy and getting treatment. It isn’t athletes foot or a sore throat or a headache.

I don’t have an eating disorder in the usual sense of the word. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. However, I do have awful eating habits and I can’t change them. I know I can’t.

I also know I’m not alone in this, I know Nikki Grahame died in April (I think) and I also know she had years, decades, of expensive therapy and treatment.

Disordered eating can’t be cured. It can be managed and that is what I do and I do it fairly well.

@DrSbaitso that’s because I have not said ‘I cannot talk to OH about this.’ I said I came on here first. I wanted a bit of female sympathy, to be honest.IME women ‘get’ this. Some of you have but there are a handful of people who just keep posting the same comment no matter what my answer is!

[Toastandcrumpets]

@KirstenBlest

Can we take the 'eating disorder' tag off for now, as it's just loading more to OP's load.

Sneaking a mini apple pie when on a diet isn't afaik an eating disorder.

Thank you.

[Fatflump]

I agree I don't think refering to eating disorders helps in this situation. Plus OP isn't bingeing to the point of being sick, we're talking about an illicit apple pie!

Thing is after making such an effort to lose weight (and you really have done brilliantly OP, hats off to you - I'm hoping at some point next year I might be where you are now) there has to come a point where you think oh sod it and eat something that you have been spending months not eating. But that enjoyment be it from an apple pie, slice of buttered toast, pesto pasta - whatever it is - is tainted, or at least for me, by the feeling I perhaps shouldn't be eating it, although when it's just a little voice in my head I can ignore it. But add to that a comment by anyone, especially my life partner who is meant to love and support me no matter what, is going to add to those feelings, and mean the next time I'll eat whatever it is in secret.

I don't feel I should have to eat secretly, but then telling my partner never to mention what I'm eating (because even a 'oh that looks nice' comment could set me off, let alone anything overtly negative) is too controlling and I couldn't ask that. So I get why it's difficult, especially if you know it's not being done to be nasty but it's still having an effect.

[category12]

Fair dos, I really don't understand why you would rather sneak food and seek female sympathy, rather than tell your dh to stop digging at you.

[TheFoundations]

but then telling my partner never to mention what I'm eating (because even a 'oh that looks nice' comment could set me off, let alone anything overtly negative) is too controlling and I couldn't ask that

The problem here is down to poor communication of boundaries. You don't 'tell your partner' what they can and can't say, because yes, that is controlling; you explain to your partner how you feel when they say things. A good partner will make an effort to understand, and will respect what you've said, and do all they can to not trigger your bad feeling. They won't want you to feel bad, so it's in their best interest to not do or say things that do trigger you to feel bad. If that's not the case, because they value your wellbeing below their right to say 'Another apple pie? Didn't you have one earlier?' then you're looking at someone who puts your feelings very low on their list of priorities, and that's a whole other thread.

[TheFoundations]

I don’t have an eating disorder in the usual sense of the word. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. However, I do have awful eating habits and I can’t change them. I know I can’t

It's not about 'rocking up to a pharmacy'. You are responsible for yourself. If there's something about you that you want to change, you can change it. There's no force outside of you that impels you to eat the way you do. It's all yours. You are just as capable of changing it as an alcohol dependent person is of stopping drinking. The key is in recognising that you are in charge. If you're not responsible for your eating issues, who is?

[KirstenBlest]

@fatflump, the tainted bit sums it up doesn't it.

It doesn't really matter what they say, it's that they say something.