I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’m not refusing to say - I’m busy! I haven’t got time to type out everything. I just mean things like ‘ooh you’re eating / ooh / OOOOOH’ (stupid face)

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

Oh don’t worry about that!

I think the point is that I don’t have an ED. I probably have disordered eating but it won’t kill me and even if it would I’m not convinced anyone would help!

That aside, the point is that if I ‘break’ my diet I get comments from OH and that’s leading me to eat in secret which is unfair (and unhealthy.) I’m not sure where the confusions come from to be honest.

I'm not sure what the difference is between an ED and disordered eating, but I imagine it's pretty subtle.

The confusion comes because you yourself seem to be confused. You say he doesn't pressure you but then you say that every time he sees you off the meal replacements, he says something to upset you and drive your eating underground. We get so, so many threads on here by women insisting their partners are great even while describing behaviours that make them feel crap that I find this concerning. If you're on a meal replacement diet then what are you eating that he criticises? Normal food?

Also, I've found that most women don't feel driven to post about this on here for advice until it's at a certain level...on some level they realise it's off, but consciously they're in denial. Another reason why it wouldn't surprise me if there's more to this.

What exactly does he say? You say your relationship with food is irrevocably damaged, so presumably he knows this. So why is he making comments when he sees you eating?

[TheFoundations]

Have you talked to him about it, OP, and if so, what did he say? And if you haven't, what stops you?

[Toastandcrumpets]

I don’t think it’s anything like that, @DrSbaitso, no abuse or anything. Annoying more than anything. But it doesn’t help me and I shouldn’t have to hide food. I probably posted on here in irritation.

I agree I have disordered eating but as I’ve said, there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m resigned to it.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not refusing to say - I’m busy! I haven’t got time to type out everything. I just mean things like ‘ooh you’re eating / ooh / OOOOOH’ (stupid face)

Well at the very least, that's a bloody stupid thing to say to someone with disordered eating. At worst, it's intentional. Either way, it's harming you.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

I don’t think it’s anything like that, *@DrSbaitso*, no abuse or anything. Annoying more than anything. But it doesn’t help me and I shouldn’t have to hide food. I probably posted on here in irritation.

I agree I have disordered eating but as I’ve said, there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m resigned to it.

Well, why does he say it? What does he want you to do in response? Does he think there's something wrong with you eating normal food?

[Toastandcrumpets]

I don’t think he realises how shit my eating is, to be fair. Anyway, thanks for help.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

I don’t think he realises how shit my eating is, to be fair. Anyway, thanks for help.

Only a very nasty or very stupid man makes derogatory comments about women eating.

Well, maybe you need to tell him, if this really is a lone problem with no further relevant background.

[Fatflump]

OP I think I get it (as another overweight person, albeit I'm only just starting the weight loss - again). I also have disordered eating and I have accepted it is just a part of me. When I was younger, I was very careful about what I ate, which kept me at 10-11st, which I know by MN standards is positively enormous but anyway...I kept that weight by eating no more than 2 meals a day, and one of those was fruit or salad. I always saw food as a reward, and when my life got difficult I ate more as comfort. And got fat, and since then it's been a cycle of gain and loss.

My partner tries to help but although he's slightly overweight himself he doesn't have the same relationship with food as me. I feel judged whatever I eat. Some of that comes from me - when I was 10st and fairly slim years ago I would never buy chocolate in a shop because I thought people would think I was a fatty.

This stuff goes very deep and I don't think I can solve it, only manage it. As I said on a thread I started which I think you kindly commented on the only way I could control it was when I was out at work all day, going to the gym etc and Covid put paid to that.

My partner only wants me to be happy but I still feel judged if I say I'm hungry and he says well you can't be, or if I buy chocolate and he says I thought you weren't eating that. He's like the voice of my conscience.

It is hard and I don't know the answer, sorry. But just to say I get how you feel.

[DrSbaitso]

But I'd wonder why he's making stupid remarks at all on you doing something humans need to do to survive. Is he completely unaware of your disordered eating, no idea at all?

[RB68]

Dieting large amounts is a mental as well as physical battle. GO back to the beggining and re read what you are supposed to do and for how long. Look at plans for when you have lost the weight and what happens then e.g. does one meal replacement become an evening meal of the healthy variety? Its basically time to move to phase 2 by the sounds of it. I have lost a large amount of weight but also have diet fatigue even though I am not on a diet perse I am controlling my food intake which is wearing having to think about it all the time, I have made some changes to help me maintain weight but not gain and am having a bit of a break - focussing on getting exercise going again at the moment and probably November will have a 4 to 6 week stretch being strict then a stretch of easing off and maintaining rather than losing or gaining so Christmas isn't too restrictive for me.

Good Luck with the next phase and you need to grow a thicker skin with regard to Husband - "Do I comment on your food? No so please don't feel you can comment on mine"

[thenightsky]

My partner only wants me to be happy but I still feel judged if I say I'm hungry and he says well you can't be, or if I buy chocolate and he says I thought you weren't eating that. He's like the voice of my conscience.

That's my partner too. I think its because he wants to be seen as supportive... so if your diet fails, he can say 'well you can't blame me, I didn't encourage you to eat'

Or something like that.

[PickAChew]

@Toastandcrumpets

Oh don’t worry about that!

I think the point is that I don’t have an ED. I probably have disordered eating but it won’t kill me and even if it would I’m not convinced anyone would help!

That aside, the point is that if I ‘break’ my diet I get comments from OH and that’s leading me to eat in secret which is unfair (and unhealthy.) I’m not sure where the confusions come from to be honest.

You keep mentioning this but haven't said what happens when you tell him to wind his neck in.

[daisyjgrey]

What you described in your OP is an eating disorder.

[Bypassed21]

I've been in your Husbands shoes @Toastandcrumpets.

A few years back my partner lost a lot of weight and then a while after coming off his diet he started to put it all back on again. The whole process is incredibly difficult to watch as a bystander so, I can totally see where he is coming from.

You've said a couple of times that he's not made nasty comments and he isn't pressuring you into loosing more weight - so I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to own your decision to eat in secret. It sounds like no one is making you do that but yourself.

Coming out of a meal replacement plan style diet is incredibly difficult - because for the period you are on the replacements you don't have to think about food at all - you just eat the products as per the programme you are on. Once you start having to incorporate weight loss into normal family meal planning and a busy life it gets very very difficult. You've had lots of suggestions how you can do this on the thread but I guess that wasn't what you were looking for.

This thread I guess was about your relationship with your husband. Watching someone go through dramatic weight loss can actually be pretty difficult for the other partner - you watch your partner change into something they are not used to - and sometimes (and I'm not saying this is the case here) it can lead even to a change in personality to a certain extent. I've seen lots of couples break up either during or after a weight loss journey.

You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel about the weight you've lost so far. Work out for yourself how you think you will continue and lose the remaining 2 stone if that is your goal and get him on board with that plan. Please do not put any of the blame on him if you fail - he's not stuffing food in your mouth. Also don't let him take credit for your successes either - that's also all on you.
Good Luck

[Toastandcrumpets]

@Fatflump - I posted on your other thread

And yes, I hear all that. I think (some) men don’t get it. Say to a fat man ‘thought you weren’t eating that’ and they laugh, say it to a woman trying to lose weight and it spoils her day.

I think one of the key problems I’ve had with COVID is having no space from OH and it’s a real problem. He is still WFH and on the rare occasions he’s not in I just want to relax and eat!

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’m not blaming him if I gain weight. If I do it is on me and me alone. Just the same, I’m not a child and shouldn’t have to feel I have to smuggle chocolate to my room to eat it.

[Bypassed21]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not blaming him if I gain weight. If I do it is on me and me alone. Just the same, I’m not a child and shouldn’t have to feel I have to smuggle chocolate to my room to eat it.

You've said he's not making nasty comments. So what is it about his comments that make you want to eat in secret?
If you've decided to come off plan and eat something - just tell him that and then no need to eat in secret.
Like I said you need to own your own decisions about what you eat - I can't see anything in your posts that explains why your husband is to blame for the secret eating.

[Toastandcrumpets]

If you don’t understand why people pulling faces and making silly comments might make someone feel self conscious then we won’t agree. It is as simple as that.

[BrilliantBulb]

Lots have PP have asked if you’ve spoken to him about his?

It sounds like you need to have a very clear discussion about your disordered eating.

[thelastgoldeneagle]

You need to talk to him! Tell him how you feel. He may have no idea that he's upsetting you so much. Say clearly that you don't want him to make any more comments about food, as it's upsetting and makes you feel bad. That should work.

[KirstenBlest]

I understand @Toastandcrumpets.

Food is a tricky area. I hate people commenting on my food - and they usually do. A 'Enjoying that are you, love?' or 'Ew I couldn't eat all that' or 'That smells horrible' or 'Ooh, that looks nice' or 'Can I try a bit of that' it all just pisses me off and makes me want to bin the food

Or the 'Should you be eating cake?'

Fuck off.

[KirstenBlest]

Sorry about the outburst. I don't understand why they do it.
If I was struggling with my weight it would probably push me over the edge.

[TheFoundations]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not blaming him if I gain weight. If I do it is on me and me alone. Just the same, I’m not a child and shouldn’t have to feel I have to smuggle chocolate to my room to eat it.

But nobody makes you feel anything. You're an adult, as you point out. You need to take responsibility for your feelings here. If you don't like what he's doing, tell him. Make him understand how his comments and looks make you feel. Explain to him that it's very important to you that he doesn't do it any more. You could even have a go at mutual understanding, and ask him what he feels when he does it, and why he feels the need to do this (possibly passive aggressive?) stuff rather than talking to you about his feelings.

If you can't talk to him about how you feel, and have him respect this, then you have a more overall problem of not being respected in your relationship. If that's the case, it won't do your attempts at weight control any good, because accepting disrespect in a relationship perpetuates a lack of self respect.

[Fatflump]

[quote Toastandcrumpets]@Fatflump - I posted on your other thread

And yes, I hear all that. I think (some) men don’t get it. Say to a fat man ‘thought you weren’t eating that’ and they laugh, say it to a woman trying to lose weight and it spoils her day.

I think one of the key problems I’ve had with COVID is having no space from OH and it’s a real problem. He is still WFH and on the rare occasions he’s not in I just want to relax and eat![/quote]
Ah I hear you 🤗 I realised I'd reached a low point recently when I was scoffing a(n illegal) bar of Caramilk in my car on the driveway after a shopping trip, so he didn't see me eat it indoors.

And that's as much because I'm ashamed for eating it as any comment he would make.