I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[category12]

I posted last night for help with my relationship, trust me, I am beyond help with food.

And I've suggested you're utterly honest with him about how you're feeling and what you're doing, and asking him to completely stop mentioning your eating habits a couple of times. Which you've completely ignored.

[smoko]

Wr need more info on the kinds of comments he makes here. Also does your husband know you have an ED?

Eg if you were eating with the family & the meal was lasagne & salad

Are you just nibbling on salad & he comments why you’re not eating lasagne

Or do you have both foods on your plate & he is commenting disparagingly that you’re eating that much food?

Or is he happy you’re eating & making a comment he thinks is helping but which is counterproductive?

Is he busting you eating in private & commenting that the shakes are a waste of money if you’re self sabotaging?

[KirstenBlest]

@Toastandcrumpets, You are not beyond help with food.

Could you contact your General Practice and ask to speak to someone? Today.Please.

[GreyCarpet]

[quote KirstenBlest]@Toastandcrumpets, You are not beyond help with food.

Could you contact your General Practice and ask to speak to someone? Today.Please.[/quote]
Totally agree with this.

People are concerned because these meap replacement shakes are no substitute for real food, are expensive and you are 'cheating' on them anyway.

Tbh, if my partner were doing that, I'd also be concerned for their health and well being.

[Dozer]

There is v little NHS help available for eating disorders, v sadly.

[KirstenBlest]

@Dozer, probably not, but @Toastandcrumpets needs help that she won't get on here or at home.

@Toastandcrumpets, as I pp, please ask for help. Speak to the practice nurse or GP.

Is there someone in Real Life who you could speak to confidentially, who will support you?

[Bluntness100]

Can you clarify what he’s saying ?

[MorrisZapp]

I think the world is full of women behaving less than rationally around food, and men saying 'eh I thought you were on a diet' etc and getting their arse handed to them.

Can you tell us more about your relationship and if it's changed since you went on the meal replacement? It's hard to tell if your DP is being rude and unsupportive or if he's surprised by you saying and doing different things.

When I cut down on snacks etc to lose weight, I say to DP 'I'm trying to shift a couple of pounds, but I'll still be eating some snacks so please don't make any comments if you see me eating a magnum or whatever' otherwise we get grumpy with each other.

[KirstenBlest]

@MorrisZapp, if you are following a meal replacement plan it's not likely it would not attract attention by your partner, especially as it affects the household budget.

Very low calorie plans can affect your mood and energy level.

Your attitude is one I would use, but I think the OP has issues that need professional guidance

[ButterflyAway]

Have you asked him not to comment on what you eat? I had to do this with youngest DS’s dad, he didn’t realise how self conscious I was around food and eating and would make entirely normal comments about it (I.e “thought you said you didn’t want soup for the third night running?”). I’d end up feeling sick with nerves at the thought of continuing to eat after my food had been remarked on. Eventually I just told him how it made me feel, he didn’t have a clue. Stopped commenting on it from then on though

[Anordinarymum]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not intending to blame him at all. I wasn’t really posting for diet advice, to be honest. It’s about managing food and my relationship. It’s horrible feeling like I can’t eat in front of him and feeling judged when I do.

I think you have the problem here and are projecting it onto what he says to diffuse it.

You need to talk to him. It sounds to me like he is trying to help you and not to criticise you.

[holrosea]

Hi OP, not sure if I have anything useful to say but I wanted to send you a hand hold. Your different posts about the shame that you feel around food and hiding your eating really struck a chord.

If your relationship is generally good, can you go for radical honesty with your partner? Can you say something like "I know your comments come from a place of concern, but this topic is so sensitive for me that they cause me added stress. Please can you count to ten before saying anything at all about my intake because the shame I feel is driving me into old/bad/self destructive habits."

Also, if you are able to, speak to a counsellor about this before it becomes an entrenched habit because it clearly doesn't make you feel great.

My nan was anorexic before it was really a diagnosed condition and it really was just one of an array of control issues she had. She is no longer with us, but her absolute obsession with calories and weight has stayed with me. Although I am generally well and healthy (if a bit heavy) I cannot stand any form of diet/clean eating/restrictive eating/calorie counting talk, to the point of argument or storming off , or sometimes crying. For others it is an innocuous conversation but I find it hugely stressful.

Food, eating, weight and control are hugely personal and interlinked in different ways for every single person. If your relationship is otherwise good, I'd imagine that your OH doesn't even realise what he's doing (especially if he's never had his own issues around food/weight) and perhaps just saying "thisis too sentsitive even for passing comments" might start to take the pressure off you a bit.

[LittleMysSister]

OP, you've said he doesn't make unkind comments and is also not pressuring you to lose weight - what is he actually saying?

Did you feel this way about him before you started doing this new meal replacement thing?

I do understand that it can be hard to diet around a partner, I find it easier not to tell my DP when I'm trying to eat more healthily as I find he tends to try and lure me into treats.

I know you have said you have not asked for diet advice but honestly, it sounds like you would do so much better on something like Slimming World, not least because you're allowed to and meant to be eating, so your partner would have nothing to say about it. You won't lose weight on a meal replacement plan if you're not actually replacing a meal.

[LittleMysSister]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not suggesting I will be living off shakes forever but I could do with losing a bit more weight, so that’s why I’m on it. I need the support of OH not judgement and comments and feeling like I have to eat in secret.

Also, what is it that you're eating in secret?

The other 2 meals that you're meant to be having??

[AndTime]

What is it that he is saying? It's really hard to judge without that information.

I think you need professional help if you are resigned to never having a healthy relationship with food. Can you speak to your GP about it? Not sure what they have on offer but unpicking your relationship with food would be a good start so some kind of talking therapy maybe? Referral to a dietician so you can relearn about food?

Exercise has many health benefits beyond weigh loss so it would be good to add that in anyway, replace the endorphins you get from food with endorphins from exercise.

[TheFoundations]

@Toastandcrumpets

Have you told your husband how you feel when he makes these remarks?

If so, how did he respond?
If not, what stops you?

Nobody can really offer you any decent advice until you've answered these questions.

[Bluntness100]

Op the reason folks are asking what is it he is saying is they are trying to work out if he is actually the issue or if you feel so guilty you’re not sticking to your diet that you’re reading something that isn’t there. That maybe you eat in secret as you just don’t want to admit to yourself you’re basically no longer dieting.

[gannett]

OP from your follow-ups it seems as though you have quite a disordered relationship with food, this isn't just a question of being on a diet or trying to lose a bit of weight.

It's not fair to yourself to resign yourself to it, but it's also not fair to your family. Those around people with disordered eating often also need professional help to know how best to support them. I'd really encourage you to look into this for yourself and for your partner. And for your children.

[LittleMysSister]

@Bluntness100

Op the reason folks are asking what is it he is saying is they are trying to work out if he is actually the issue or if you feel so guilty you’re not sticking to your diet that you’re reading something that isn’t there. That maybe you eat in secret as you just don’t want to admit to yourself you’re basically no longer dieting.

Yes exactly.

OP, you are saying you came for advice on your relationship, but from what you've said here - he's not making mean comments, he's not trying to pressure you into losing weight - there hasn't been much indication that he's actually done anything wrong?

[KirstenBlest]

Here are some links:
Beat eating disorders charity

NHS pagev How to help someone with an eating disorder

[DrSbaitso]

He isn’t pressuring me to lose weight.

He isn't?

I need the support of OH not judgement and comments and feeling like I have to eat in secret.

Whatever your issues with food, they won't be resolved or helped with him making comments that leave you feeling even worse about it all. I wouldn't be surprised if he's using it as a control or abuse strategy. He's already got you thinking he's not pressuring you even as he makes you feel shit.

[Bluntness100]

@DrSbaitso

He isn’t pressuring me to lose weight.

He isn't?

I need the support of OH not judgement and comments and feeling like I have to eat in secret.

Whatever your issues with food, they won't be resolved or helped with him making comments that leave you feeling even worse about it all. I wouldn't be surprised if he's using it as a control or abuse strategy. He's already got you thinking he's not pressuring you even as he makes you feel shit.

Oh get a grip.

[DrSbaitso]

Oh get a grip.

Bluntness with the usual level of insight, intelligence and sheer razor wit that we've all come to expect. Never change, darling!

[Toastandcrumpets]

Oh don’t worry about that!

I think the point is that I don’t have an ED. I probably have disordered eating but it won’t kill me and even if it would I’m not convinced anyone would help!

That aside, the point is that if I ‘break’ my diet I get comments from OH and that’s leading me to eat in secret which is unfair (and unhealthy.) I’m not sure where the confusions come from to be honest.

[Bluntness100]

But what comments op? Why are you refusing to say?

And eating disorder and disordered eating are the same thing.