I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[Bypassed21]

@Toastandcrumpets

I'm just trying to give you another point of view - we don't have to agree - but I'm just trying to get you (and others reading this post) a perspective of being "that partner" who is on the other side of a weight loss journey.

Ok so his pulling faces and making "silly" comments is enough to make you want to eat in secret? Have you asked yourself why he's making those comments? He may be being clumsy about it but perhaps he's trying to remind you of your diet plan? Keep you on track?
Does he know you are eating in secret? Have you spoken to him about how this is making you feel? If he doesn't know then how can he possibly be expected to change his behaviour?

If you want to eat something - that's fine go ahead - make that your decision. Don't try and blame someone else.

Apologies if I've been blunt and I didn't mean to offend - but being honest this post has been a bit triggering for me from the opposite stand point.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

If you don’t understand why people pulling faces and making silly comments might make someone feel self conscious then we won’t agree. It is as simple as that.

I understand that perfectly and I don't believe that anyone who lives with someone whose weight fluctuates and has disordered eating wouldn't understand it too.

[smoko]

Why make a thread if you’re too busy to respond with answers ? How can anyone possibly advise or respond appropriately if you say you’re too busy to answer the basic question of what exactly he is saying & his reasoning

Ok so he is teasing you. He is making light of your diet. It’s annoying

Are you annoyed by him in other ways?

Does he have form for taking teasing too far?

What you describe is an ED but if you don’t feel comfortable identifying as such then that’s your prerogative.

[Toastandcrumpets]

How many times have I said now that I am not blaming anybody else? I’m really sorry if that comes across snappily. I promise I do not mean it to.

But when I have said ‘I’m not blaming him. If I put on the weight it is my fault’ (I don’t know how this can be clearer, sorry?) but you still keep replying saying I am blaming OH then we do have a lack of clarity which is difficult.

It is not about weight. It is simply about food. I do not want it commenting on when I eat. Sometimes I break my diet. Maybe I will gain all the weight back and be fat. If I do that is on me and no one else. If he has a concern he needs to talk to me about it but just little digs are no good to anyone.

@Fatflump - I hear you! And the poster over the page! I hate people commenting on my food.

[DrSbaitso]

Have you told him to stop?

[Bluntness100]

Is that what you’re doing op? Smuggling chocolate into the bedroom and eating it in secret?

If he doesn’t realise your eating problems, ans is simply making stupid remarks like ooh didn’t think you were eating that, is there an element of this that’s about your guilt for coming off the diet?

Yout op suggests it’s about substantial meals, but secretly eating chocolate and wanting to sit and wanting him to go out so you can just sit and eat is indicative of bigger issues.

What I’m trying to say is even if he said nothing right now you’d not be comfortable in eating whatever in front of him because you’ve not mentally accepted you’re no longer dieting

[gannett]

@Toastandcrumpets

I don’t think he realises how shit my eating is, to be fair. Anyway, thanks for help.

Then he probably doesn't realise that his funny faces and whatnot are affecting you deeply. Saying "ooh" and pulling a face would be mildly annoying at worst to most people. It wouldn't make people feel they needed to eat in secret unless they had disordered eating.

Short-term: sit him down and explain to him directly and firmly that you don't want any sort of comments or noises about what you eat because it makes you feel self-conscious. You can ask him why he does it - listen to what he tells you. He might be being a dick, or he might be confused about what you say vs what you do in terms of food, or he might be worried because he can probably tell there's something off about your relationship with food but can't tell what.

Long-term: again I encourage you not to accept disordered eating for yourself, your partner or your children. Please seek professional help - you might not think you can fix it but you really can.

[Toastandcrumpets]

My op doesn’t suggest it’s about substantial meals at all @Bluntness100, that is what you have extrapolated from my post but I do not say it.

have you spoken to him

No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first

[Bluntness100]

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it

But it does indicate that op. This statement doesn’t indicate you are doing secret chocolate binges.

[TheFoundations]

*No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first

[Toastandcrumpets]

Yes but you can see here how many people don’t understand and say to do slimming world/ go for a walk.

It isn’t that simple.

[Toastandcrumpets]

And I don’t think there is anything else going on.

I have problems with food and my relationship us currently hindering this.

[Buggritbuggrit]

@Toastandcrumpets

My op doesn’t suggest it’s about substantial meals at all *@Bluntness100*, that is what you have extrapolated from my post but I do not say it.

have you spoken to him

No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first

Do you have reason to think that your husband might not understand?

From our perspective, you have issues around food that you have admitted to, but didn’t state at the beginning of the thread. You are very evasive when asked what exactly your husband has said to you. Despite being asked multiple times, the only explanation you’ve given is I just mean things like ‘ooh you’re eating / ooh / OOOOOH’ (stupid face) As such, it isn’t actually clear what exactly he’s saying, how often he’s saying it, and the extent to which it might be heightened by extreme (and understandable) sensitivity on your part.

I understand that you are frustrated by the responses you’re receiving here, but you haven’t clearly described the situation of explained what you’re seeking to gain from our responses.

My advice would be to sit down and think through all of this - the situation, your desired outcomes, what support and changes in behaviour you need from him - and then speak to your husband. I think you need to get it clear in your own mind first, however, or it may not be a fruitful conversation.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I don’t think I’ve been evasive at all, I answered when asked but I have been on and off.

Since my behaviour now seems to be under scrutiny I will leave the threes.

[Toastandcrumpets]

*thread

[TheFoundations]

*No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first

[DrSbaitso]

I don't think you've been evasive at all, OP. But reading between the lines, the tone, the need to share on here, I'm wondering if there's more going on that you're only sub- or unconsciously aware isn't right. So you're not withholding anything on purpose, it's that it's not crystallised enough in your head for you to know what to say or why it matters.

[Toastandcrumpets]

Thank you. I also don’t agree I have been evasive.

But I do think a lot or people have taken what is really a fairly minor annoyance to something very serious which it isn’t.

Perhaps I should not have posted on relationships. I know there are serious issues on here and I don’t see this as one.

[TheFoundations]

@Toastandcrumpets

I don’t think I’ve been evasive at all, I answered when asked but I have been on and off.

Since my behaviour now seems to be under scrutiny I will leave the threes.

And that's where the issue lies. If you won't take responsibility for your own behaviours and how they contribute to your emotional wellbeing, you won't be able to have emotional wellbeing.

You walking away from responsibility is what is keeping you unhappy, in short.

[DrSbaitso]

Well that may be so, OP. It's just that that's what we hear from women in awful situations all the time...minor, isolated annoyances rarely make it on here. Nasty comments about food to someone with disordered eating are a serious issue, even if he is doing it unintentionally.

If he's really so wonderful apart from this, it should be easy enough to explain that these comments are harmful and triggering your disorder, and they need to stop. Can you?

And he should then apologise and stop doing it. Will he?

[Toastandcrumpets]

Of course I’m taking responsibility.

I am getting a little bit fed up with this. I have now clearly said three times I don’t blame him or hold him responsible for what I eat.

But if I DO decide to eat chocolate or crisps I don’t wish it to be commenter on. That’s all.

[Toastandcrumpets]

In the eyes of the world I don’t have a disorder and I really feel the thread has now outlived it’s usefulness.

[category12]

I dunno, I've found it quite evasive that you haven't said whether you've challenged him about the digs he makes or that you perceive, nor whether you're prepared to be very honest about how you're feeling to him, nor whether your relationship is such that you feel comfortable he would listen to you if you did challenge him.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

In the eyes of the world I don’t have a disorder and I really feel the thread has now outlived it’s usefulness.

But you say you have. It certainly sounds like you have.

This is why I'm saying that there appears to be much more here than you're revealing...not intentionally, but because there are contradictions and gaps that I'm not sure you can see properly.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I have answered that actually but I think you possibly don’t realise I have been working and multi tasking. Sometimes what one person thinks is evasiveness is just missing things.

So then that’s misinterpreted but the thread becomes about an awful evasive OP who isn’t - just busy. So I don’t think the thread will be particularly helpful.