I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[Bluntness100]

Op can you maybe turn it on its head.

Can you see how your attitude has changed? You went on an expensive meal replacement diet and you lost a lot of weight and were successful.

Your mindset is no longer on dieting and loosing weight, it’s now about eating, what you want and when you want. You’re still doing shakes but supplementing it with chocolate cakes and crisps, and all you want to do is eat, in yout own words.

These diets are unsustainable, because as a pp said you don’t teach yourself new eating habits, you just go back to the way of eating which made you fat in the first place. As you are now doing and you’ve not even met your goal yet, you will either be already or about to start gaining again. Which makes the whole thing pointless.

So can’t you fixate on this diet no longer works for you and you need to find a healthy way of eating that is sustainable for you and which allows you occasional crap like chocolate cake and crisps?

Focusing on I want to eat crap and I want no “ooh” and stupid faces and smuggling things in your bag and sitting eating it in secret is deeply unhealthy. Focusing on this shake diet worked initially but it’s no longer working, I need to change to something different, maybe will work for you

Because then you can eat in front of your husband, he maybe won’t comment because you won’t be spending up on expensive shakes and supplementing it with sugary /fatty crap. Well hopefully he won’t.

[PinotPony]

So it seems that you want some sympathy and understanding about DH's comments. Sure.. you've got our sympathy. It must be horrible when he comments on what you're eating and makes you feel shit.

You've not asked for a solution but plenty of people have suggested you tell him how you feel and ask him not to make those comments. That's sensible advice.

However, your relationship with DH is being adversely affected by your relationship with food. I would think that is where your focus should be. It is well known that any type of diet, particularly meal replacements, do not work long term. As soon as you come off the diet and return to your previous eating habits, the weight returns. You've not learnt how to eat healthily, to give your body the fuel it needs. Please consider speaking to a dietician or even a personal trainer to learn how to make healthy meals and snacks. Or at least use MyFitnessPal to better understand the food you're consuming.

[Fatflump]

[quote Toastandcrumpets]@Fatflump shall we start a thread on weight loss chat?[/quote]
yes let's do it!

(as I sit here eating my Aldi Slimwell ready meal :))

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

But *@daisyjgrey*, it is not a case of rocking up to a pharmacy and getting treatment. It isn’t athletes foot or a sore throat or a headache.

I don’t have an eating disorder in the usual sense of the word. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. However, I do have awful eating habits and I can’t change them. I know I can’t.

I also know I’m not alone in this, I know Nikki Grahame died in April (I think) and I also know she had years, decades, of expensive therapy and treatment.

Disordered eating can’t be cured. It can be managed and that is what I do and I do it fairly well.

*@DrSbaitso* that’s because I have not said ‘I cannot talk to OH about this.’ I said I came on here first. I wanted a bit of female sympathy, to be honest.IME women ‘get’ this. Some of you have but there are a handful of people who just keep posting the same comment no matter what my answer is!

Ok, well....you've spoken to us. He's the one upsetting you. Will you speak to him?

[NeverDropYourMooncup]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’m not refusing to say - I’m busy! I haven’t got time to type out everything. I just mean things like ‘ooh you’re eating / ooh / OOOOOH’ (stupid face)

Could he be feeling threatened by your weightloss at all? So doing things like that are designed to make you feel like giving up and that it's all pointless?

The most manipulative man I ever met was all jokes and silly noises and 'Oooh, aren't so naughty, I'm telling the kids you're eating!' and deliberately increasing the amount and calorie content of foods the moment I tried to improve my health. He was also almost constantly in my face for attention, probably because he knew that if I stopped and thought about things for a few minutes, I'd realise what an utter shit he was and dump his arse. He didn't want me out of the house unsupervised, he didn't want me looking nice, he didn't want me doing anything that wasn't directly under his control at all times.

Unfortunately for him, I eventually came to the realisation that I overate for a number of reasons;

1. Because my childhood was filled with anxiety and judgement over food/being told I was fat and greedy and that would never change.

1. Because my childhood food was crap so I went off the rails once I could have food that tasted good.

1. Because I'd spent a period so skint that I didn't know when I'd get to eat again, so unconsciously built up a reserve in case that happened in the future.

1. Because I had been in a violent relationship where it made sense to be too big for him to be able to pick me up and he'd always said that I might as well not bother because I wasn't strong enough to 'do it properly' (ie starve myself) and I'd look shit if I did it in any case.

1. Because I was so stressed by the constant manipulation and whining and control - which extended to deliberately disturbing my sleep in case I was dreaming about someone else - that I was using food to literally swallow back an overwhelming desire to scream at him to get the fuck out of my home and let me have a moment's peace.

Got rid of the limpet eventually and I lost a lot of weight without really doing much, because I didn't need it to change the way I felt or reacted anymore - and exercise isn't to lose weight for me, it's an end in itself, as it makes me feel good and happy to take time out purely for myself.


DP is completely different - and it shows in my (significantly lower and still decreasing) size.

[Toastandcrumpets]

@Fatflump shall we start a thread on weight loss chat?

[KirstenBlest]

@fatflump, try thinking of the food as fuel, as nutrition, not an enemy.

If you want chocolate, have a little bit of good dark chocolate.

Fill up on salad or veg at mealtime, and have some protein. Try to avoid refined carbs. Eat meals not snacks.

Don't think you can't or mustn't have something, choose not to have it, or tell yourself you can have it some other time.

[TheFoundations]

I don’t think “women” do get this generally, I’m sorry, women, or men, with food issues will get it, but anyone else will not. This thread shows it

I agree, @Bluntness100

[TheFoundations]

And it's then a continuous exercise in managing it every day, much like a reformed smoker or alcoholic

I think this is misleading. It makes it sound as if you have to be constantly working at it. After you realise and really internalise that it's not good for you, it starts to be second nature to not do the thing, or to only do it very rarely.

I've had an eating disorder, and co-incidentally from what you've just written, I gave up smoking and over-drinking too. None of them are things I feel I have to 'continuously manage every day'.

The reason I'm so invested in the thread, OP, is because I've been in the denial you're in. I'm sorry if I sound pushy; someone pushed me, and it helped.

[Bluntness100]

that’s because I have not said ‘I cannot talk to OH about this.’ I said I came on here first. I wanted a bit of female sympathy, to be honest.IME women ‘get’ this

I don’t think “women” do get this generally, I’m sorry, women, or men, with food issues will get it, but anyone else will not. This thread shows it.

For example If my husband comments on what I eat I’d tell him to sod off , if it annoyed me, or ignore him if it didn’t, either way I’d just crack in and eat it, I don’t eat in secret, ive never smuggled food into my bedroom and sat and quickly ate chocolate and crisps in secret, I’ve never been “caught with an apple pie”, I’ve never wanted my husband to leave the house so I can sit and eat. If I want to sit and eat I shall. In front of anyone. That’s normal food behaviour.

Hiding it and smuggling food and eating it secretly isn’t normal food behaviour, Doing so to avoid comments or looks or so your partner still thinks you’re dieting isn’t normal food behaviour.

So the issue is either your husband really is horribly judgemental ans caused your food problems or those problems existed ans even if he said nothing you’d still be eating in secret as you’d not wish to admit what you’re doing.

[Fatflump]

@KirstenBlest indeed! And I know in my case a lot of it is how I'm looking at things - if I had a healthy, happy relationship with food, nothing anyone said would bother me. But because I don't, it just magnifies my own feelings - and I'm back to being 16 again and unable to buy chocolate in a shop because the person behind the till would be disgusted by me. This stuff runs deep :(

[Fatflump]

People's relationships with food really are complex.

Some people don't have a natural off switch for food. I don't. I don't know when I'm full. If I allow myself, I'll eat constantly. Hence why I'm now the size I am.

I also use food as celebration/ reward/ consolation, a way of showing love and care to others and myself.

I'd like to be able to see food simply as fuel but I don't see that happening (I have a friend who weighs 8st, food is all the same to her and she's never been overweight because she isn't interested in food. She'll eat what's in front of her but never craves or looks forward to anything foodwise)

I don't think it's in me to be like that. If I want to stay a certain (lower) weight, I have to manage and control what I eat quite strictly. Not wanting to speak for the OP but it may well be similar for her. And it's then a continuous exercise in managing it every day, much like a reformed smoker or alcoholic.

[KirstenBlest]

@fatflump, the tainted bit sums it up doesn't it.

It doesn't really matter what they say, it's that they say something.

[TheFoundations]

I don’t have an eating disorder in the usual sense of the word. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. However, I do have awful eating habits and I can’t change them. I know I can’t

It's not about 'rocking up to a pharmacy'. You are responsible for yourself. If there's something about you that you want to change, you can change it. There's no force outside of you that impels you to eat the way you do. It's all yours. You are just as capable of changing it as an alcohol dependent person is of stopping drinking. The key is in recognising that you are in charge. If you're not responsible for your eating issues, who is?

[TheFoundations]

but then telling my partner never to mention what I'm eating (because even a 'oh that looks nice' comment could set me off, let alone anything overtly negative) is too controlling and I couldn't ask that

The problem here is down to poor communication of boundaries. You don't 'tell your partner' what they can and can't say, because yes, that is controlling; you explain to your partner how you feel when they say things. A good partner will make an effort to understand, and will respect what you've said, and do all they can to not trigger your bad feeling. They won't want you to feel bad, so it's in their best interest to not do or say things that do trigger you to feel bad. If that's not the case, because they value your wellbeing below their right to say 'Another apple pie? Didn't you have one earlier?' then you're looking at someone who puts your feelings very low on their list of priorities, and that's a whole other thread.

[category12]

Fair dos, I really don't understand why you would rather sneak food and seek female sympathy, rather than tell your dh to stop digging at you.

[Fatflump]

I agree I don't think refering to eating disorders helps in this situation. Plus OP isn't bingeing to the point of being sick, we're talking about an illicit apple pie!

Thing is after making such an effort to lose weight (and you really have done brilliantly OP, hats off to you - I'm hoping at some point next year I might be where you are now) there has to come a point where you think oh sod it and eat something that you have been spending months not eating. But that enjoyment be it from an apple pie, slice of buttered toast, pesto pasta - whatever it is - is tainted, or at least for me, by the feeling I perhaps shouldn't be eating it, although when it's just a little voice in my head I can ignore it. But add to that a comment by anyone, especially my life partner who is meant to love and support me no matter what, is going to add to those feelings, and mean the next time I'll eat whatever it is in secret.

I don't feel I should have to eat secretly, but then telling my partner never to mention what I'm eating (because even a 'oh that looks nice' comment could set me off, let alone anything overtly negative) is too controlling and I couldn't ask that. So I get why it's difficult, especially if you know it's not being done to be nasty but it's still having an effect.

[Toastandcrumpets]

@KirstenBlest

Can we take the 'eating disorder' tag off for now, as it's just loading more to OP's load.

Sneaking a mini apple pie when on a diet isn't afaik an eating disorder.

Thank you.

[Toastandcrumpets]

But @daisyjgrey, it is not a case of rocking up to a pharmacy and getting treatment. It isn’t athletes foot or a sore throat or a headache.

I don’t have an eating disorder in the usual sense of the word. I’m not anorexic or bulimic. However, I do have awful eating habits and I can’t change them. I know I can’t.

I also know I’m not alone in this, I know Nikki Grahame died in April (I think) and I also know she had years, decades, of expensive therapy and treatment.

Disordered eating can’t be cured. It can be managed and that is what I do and I do it fairly well.

@DrSbaitso that’s because I have not said ‘I cannot talk to OH about this.’ I said I came on here first. I wanted a bit of female sympathy, to be honest.IME women ‘get’ this. Some of you have but there are a handful of people who just keep posting the same comment no matter what my answer is!

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastandcrumpets

I’ve answered both those. I’ve explained I came on here, looking for advice, support and sympathy. Of which I now realise was unrealistic.

I've just reread all of your posts and I can't see anywhere that you have explained why you can't tell him to stop or what he would do if you did. Lots about not blaming him for what you eat, but that's not what we asked.

Closest thing I can find is, on being asked if you've spoken to him about it: "No. I wanted to have a chat about it with people who might understand first."

Once again, I don't think you're deliberately lying, but you don't seem to have a handle on what's going on and that's one reason why I think there's a lot going on here.

[daisyjgrey]

@Toastandcrumpets

And I don’t think there is anything else going on.

I have problems with food and my relationship us currently hindering this.

You have problems with food BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.

You sneak food and eat in private, you substitute meals with liquid replacements and you said you have never and probably will never 'eat normally'.

If your husband is making twatty comments you tell him to fuck off and crack on. Except you don't, because you have an eating disorder.

You need to seek help for it, not look for strategies to further disorder your eating.

[Toastandcrumpets]

Where have I implied that @Bluntness100?

I don’t call people cunts especially not my own partner.

[KirstenBlest]

Can we take the 'eating disorder' tag off for now, as it's just loading more to OP's load.

Sneaking a mini apple pie when on a diet isn't afaik an eating disorder.

[Bluntness100]

People are trying to help you op. Other than say there there he’s a cunt what do you wish.

If he doesn’t know you have an eating disorder, because it’s secret, that you refuse to seek help for, and you won’t tell him to stop making any reference to your food intake, then I am unsure what’s to be done.

Either tell him you don’t wish him to ever make any comment ever about what you eat and then eat as you please in front of him or continue like this, being annoyed and secretly bingeing.

[TheFoundations]

@Toastandcrumpets

Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need to be having a really hard time to post a thread.

Thanks *@shumway*

So there's not an issue you want advice on, then? This doesn't make sense. Nobody is talking about the magnitude of the issue. People are just trying to advise you on the issue you've presented, via potential causes and potential solutions.

Now you're even defensive about why you've posted the thread in the first place.

You need to talk to your husband and let him know that when he does x, you feel y. See if he respects that. If not, you need to take further steps. The only other ways forward are to leave him without a word, or carry on as you are, and neither of those is sensible. All of the possible ways forward involve you doing something about the problem you have, because he isn't going to change unless he knows how you feel.