I’m really struggling with food and OH

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ve lost a lot of weight this year. Really pleased with this.

I did it through a meal replacement plan. Which isn’t cheap.

I’m struggling loads with staying on it. I’m working FT and with young children just feel drained and tired and want something substantial. So I keep breaking it. But then I get comments and disapproval from OH. And it’s making me eat in secret which is destructive.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m watched all the time with food and I hate it.

[BrilloPaddy]

Do you think he's concerned? Rather than judging??

[Toastandcrumpets]

I doubt it. I just hate feeling like I have to hide food and eat in secret.

[Pineapplepyjamas]

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in! Your partner needs to stop judging you - it’s not ok that he’s making you feel this way (whether he intends to or not).

I come from a family where I was constantly judged for what I ate and it’s horrible. I felt I needed to eat in secret. I then developed a mentality where I would “treat” myself with food - because it felt like a rebellious treat. It’s an unhealthy mindset and means you think about food more than you need to.

It’s fine to be on a diet and it’s also fine to eat cakes and biscuits. There shouldn’t be judgement either way (unless you’re dangerously unhealthy and it’s out of concern for your welfare).

What sort of comments does he make?

Would you consider changing your diet?

[Thecurtainsofdestiny]

Do you actually want/ need to lose more weight? Or is he pressuring you to do so?

[Toastandcrumpets]

@Thecurtainsofdestiny

Do you actually want/ need to lose more weight? Or is he pressuring you to do so?

I could definitely do with losing two more stone. He isn’t pressuring me to lose weight. I feel guilty. But sometimes I do get hungry.

[LIZS]

But it is not sustainable. You cannot live off shakes forever and needing to eat secretly to avoid criticism is not demonstrating a positive relationship with food, let alone family. Can you wean yourself off the replacements with similar calorie meals.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’m not suggesting I will be living off shakes forever but I could do with losing a bit more weight, so that’s why I’m on it. I need the support of OH not judgement and comments and feeling like I have to eat in secret.

[category12]

So just say that - "stop commenting on what I'm eating, it's making me eat in secret and that's turning into something really unhealthy. I'm aware when I'm struggling, I don't need you adding to my feelings of guilt."

[EarthSight]

It's not good that you feel judged this way. Lose weight for you, not for him.

Bit concerned that you are describing your meals as not substantial enough. Is there enough fibre and protein in what you're eating I wonder, as well as carbs? Instead of changing your food drastically, do you think you would have the time to go for a brisk walk 4 times a week? Would he support you in that as I don't think you'll manage it if your kids are with you. The weight will come off slowly if you do that.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I have no time to exercise but in any event I was exercising a lot a few weeks ago. I’ve never found exercise makes a dramatic difference to weight loss. I digress though - it’s more how I feel eating in front of him now.

[OverTheRubicon]

@Toastandcrumpets

I very much doubt that anything will work better for me in terms of eating. It’s an issue of mine, always has been, just is.

Between this and your username and your post - are you aware that you have properly disordered eating? It is addressable, but not usually without support. Without addressing it, you are 100% passing on these issues to your DCs, especially any daughters.

For their sake if not your own, you really should spend the money on counselling or at least a dietitian, and not shakes. Almost certainly, when you're mentally healthier you'll settle at a healthy weight - but even if you're naturally a bit heavier, your mental health will be so much better.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’m confused. You say he’s not judging but that whatever he’s saying is what’s making you eat secretly.

What’s he actually said?

If it’s “oh I thought you were still on the shakes?” is that wrong?

No one eats lettuce in secret and needing substantial meals shouldn’t mean you’re hiding what you’re having.

And I disagree that losing weight means not eating what other people eat unless all of their meals are entirely made of fat, salt and sugar.

If any change is going to succeed it needs to he sustainable.

[Buggritbuggrit]

This is coming across to me as more of an issue with food than an issue with your DH - as he doesn’t appear to have actually said anything? Is it possible that you feel judged because you think you’re doing something wrong?

I might be completely off the mark here, but that’s the impression I get from your posts.

The meal replacements aren’t working if you’re hungry and want actual food. So, just ditch them and hopefully you can stop feeling this way. You can have healthy substantial meals, you can meal prep if time is an issue, and you should discuss what you’re feeling and how you’re dealing with it with your husband. Let him support you.

[Graphista]

Meal replacement plans are not sustainable.

Far better to lose weight by adjusting your eating habits so you're having fewer calories

I'm on a weight loss journey myself at the moment. I've lost just over a stone so far.

I started with baby steps making small changes (eg switching from full sugar drinks to sugar free, having more veg and smaller portions of carbs)

And have gradually made more changes.

I have 2 meals And a snack a day (which is an improvement for me actually as I was having only one meal a day for a long time - mh issues)

I calorie count, work out how many cals by using nhs bmi calculator and have roughly the middle amount it says.

I'm losing approx 1-2lbs a week steadily which is according to a lot of research the most healthy, sustainable and "permanent" way to lose weight - as in your more likely to keep it off if you lose it slowly.

Increase activity too (i struggle with this due to disability)

[Notjustabrunette]

It sounds like this plan (aside from oh comments) just isn’t working for you anymore. Meal
Replacement plans aren’t really viable long term. You could just try eating the same as the rest of the family but cutting out snacks, doing a bit more exercise etc? The weight might not come off as quickly but the end results will be the same.

[pictish]

My friend lost four stone on those replacement shakes. I was astonished by how quickly it all went back on once she stopped using them.

The ONLY way to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF is to eat well. Plentiful and healthy.

[pictish]

I’m a greedy person btw. Love food.

[smoko]

Hey it sounds a bit like you have an ED. (Bulimic / EDNOS here).

As others have said you need to make it clear that there will be no more comments on food.

I would also get off these shakes because this weight loss method doesn’t sound at all sustainable. You’re likely to pack it all back on as soon as you stop. Whatever the calories in these shakes I’d be replacing them with food you feel comfortable to consume.

If you look at the shakes as a gimmick, find yourself a new gimmick that involves actual food so that you can at least eat something at the table with your family, even if it’s a different meal.

Can you give examples of the comments he makes?

[smoko]

& the reason I say to get off them now is if you stop now & start putting on weight…

…Then even if you drop that next 2 stones you want to lose, you’ll still put that weight back on as soon as you stop!

You’ll get a taste of hitting your goal weight only to go backwards & have developed no skills to maintain your weight. That would just be a waste of more time & feeling out of control like you probably do now.

So instead of going longer drinking shakes I would be working out what food plan I can stick to with the same calories so can still continue to be at a caloric deficit.

The shake plan sounds expensive so is it possible some of his comments are based on the financial aspect of them?

[fallenover]

The TFR plan I am on - says that you should break after 12 weeks of TFR and then do the refeed programme to introduce food. You can go back on but you should have a break. Have you tried explaining to OH how TFR diets work?

There is a very supportive Facebook group for the plan I am following whilst on TFR. I expect the group on the refeed programme Facebook page are also helpful and may have faced similar problems.

[stillonthattightrope]

For those telling the OP to basically eat less and move more, please understand that for many people this just doesn't work without over support or intervention.

If the issue is tied up with emotions which it often is then giving this advice is pointless and unkind. Especially when accompanied by 'it worked for me/my friend/my hairdresser'.

I have seen the meal replacement plans work for a short time but in many cases I agree that actually therapy instead or alongside is needed to cope with the disordered/emotional eating and find other strategies.

[Toastandcrumpets]

I’ll be honest here but no one will like it

There is no chance I will ever eat ‘normally.’ I never have. I thought for a brief period post partum I’d ‘cracked it’ but it was but a temporary lull.

All I can do is manage it as best I can. But hiding food is perhaps not conducive to this. Thinking about it though it’s possibly a good thing.

I posted last night for help with my relationship, trust me, I am beyond help with food.

[lnsufficientFuns]

You can’t sustain this at all

It’s lonely - I’ve been there

You need to start feeding everybody healthy meals that you can also enjoy.

And tell your husband to do one

[smoko]

What is it about you’re relationship that means it’s not an option for you to say “please stop commenting on my food”?

Why do you feel you can’t do this? Are you shy or would he not respect your wishes? Is he worried about you eating habits?

Will always have an ED too but that doesn’t mean you can’t challenge this shake replacement plan & start challenging yourself to find ED safe foods you can tolerate eating with your family

Having a mother with an ED can really have an impact on kids too.

Who does the cooking in the family, your or partner?

[smoko]

your not you’re argh no edit option !