That life is just too much?

[InABetterPlaceNow]

Hey fellow humans,

My AIBU is , is this too much for a human to deal with? But more how to make it feel less so.

Having had my own personal pity party the last week or so, I need to sort life out once and for all (as much as I can). So this is me asking for input on things I might have not thought of to get support from what feels like an unbreakable mountain. This may come off as unemotional but brain has rocked over from said pity party to get shit done so I can deal with emotions in my own time). That said. If you could drop a note saying this is A LOT. It will make me cry and that will be a good thing.

So immediate problems:

My Grandma died last Tuesday. To this date I’ve dealt with immediates. Wasn’t there for her passing but shortly after. After a few hours of clinging let the undertakers come. Took her notebook (with all instructions) and key paperwork and an electric blanket. Back on Friday to supply clothes for people to visit her in chapel of rest along with the items she wants to be laid to rest with. Phoned her entire phone book on Friday after a family member was distraught and couldn’t get in touch (I’d phoned who I knew would need to know straight away but missed her). Made a list of all those who want to know the date. Date is probably Nov 3rd. Once confirmed tomorrow I will gradually ring / text everyone to let them know. Need to have a meeting with church, order flowers, put a notice in the paper, get order of service made up and printed, arrange an after get together, possibly caterer.

3 kids.

Eldest, severe mental health problems. Inpatient a few times in recent years. Still passed college last year. Bad start to college this year, many reported illnesses. Likely EUPD. Today, college want her to withdraw and try again next year. I support this. Spending more time at BFs due to positive Covid case in house (see below) plus not wanting to be in her room where that was the place of multiple suicide attempts when just having “failed” college and Gran Gran passing. CAMHS next to useless as DD won’t engage. Recent med review all ok. Asked her to come here for a couple of hours each day to make phone calls on next steps. Has a (very new) personal advisor due to being technically a care leaver. Big implications on how much I can support her money wise.

Steps needed: update CAMHS. Have asked college next steps, take advice. Contact personal advisor. If no joy contact princes trust / connextions (sp). CAB for benefits advice?

Middle DD. Positive LFT last Sun, positive LFT Tuesday. Currently isolating. Done little school work with everything. School aware. Can I forgive myself? Wants to go back to school ASAP.

Youngest DD. Off school awaiting PCR. Negative LFT. Online learning due to spike in cases at school (please God not let it be middle DD that did it). School will be best ASAP.

My work, brilliant. They know my journey. Last Tuesday explained, “take as long as you need”. Agreed till end of week. Spoke to HR director Monday agreed another week paid then look at GP sign off / annual leave as needed. Director (!!) said I’m a key member of staff, they will do whatever is needed, and they have helped many others and I’d be surprised what they’ve done for people. To have no guilt about work. (We will see).

Current support asked for: called Samaritans Sunday. Useful but I’ve vented all that now. Don’t want to go through it all again. EAP Monday. Felt their counselling wouldn’t be helpful (more goal oriented) but to contact cruse. Got brief legal advice for probate. Emailed previous CBT counsellor (had been arranged through CBT). Cheeky. But have an appt Thursday. Going to call doctors tomorrow. Online chat with cruise today. Useful. Will use it as needed.

Oh and mum died 2 years ago so still have that estate to sort. Recently instructed Farewill to help (as grandma was executor but couldn’t do it) and they have been very helpful. So two estates but can’t sort grandmas till I register the death on the 18/10.

Funeral 3/11.

Disclaimer: I'm not suicidal. My dad killed himself when I was 2 and can't do that to my kids. Means I'm in limbo land HATING life, but need to fix it.

Sorry to read this OP, you have been through so much Would it be worth asking MNHQ to move this to the relationships board so that you can get some support there?

OMG! You really are going through it, aren't you!! I think the only advice I can give you, is put as much as possible on hold, and take time to look after yourself and your kids, and most of all, you clearly need to grieve for your Grandma. The human mind and body can only take so much stress before breaking down completely, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Work have told you they'll support you for as long as necessary, take them at their word, and try not to worry about the future, just deal with one day at a time. You mention another family member, can they help now that the shock of your loss has had a few days to sink in? It really does sound like you could do with some extra support. I've just re-read your post and can't see anything about a partner, although I may have missed it, as there is rather a lot to get my head round, so it's no wonder you've been struggling. Having said all that, it sounds like you are doing AMAZINGLY well, and are VERY organised, getting all the support that there is out there. Sending a virtual hug and

@Poetrypatty

Sorry to read this OP, you have been through so much Would it be worth asking MNHQ to move this to the relationships board so that you can get some support there?

That's a good idea, thank you. I didn't really know where to put it. Just wanted to reach out somehow. I'll flag to them and see where they think it might sit!

That sounds like one hell of a load to carry. I’m so sorry for your loss.

May I make one suggestion? Accept any and all offers of help. I get the impression you are used to having to do everything because you’re the only person and if you don’t do it, it won’t get done (apologies if I have completely mis-read the room). But most people would feel completely overloaded with just one of these issues to deal with, never mind the full list on your plate. So if work says take the time you need - take that at face value. You have got to put on your own oxygen mask first here before you turn to helping everyone else.

Also: what helps me if I’m overloaded is to be ruthless in sorting out what is today’s problem, as opposed to what can wait. Like your mum’s estate. That can wait. So maybe this week’s priorities are keeping yourself as calm and well as possible, whichever DD needs you most, and then whichever practical aspects relating to your DGM that can’t wait until next week. Or whatever else you deem most important. The rest can wait until next week.

Can you rope in help to make the phone calls? Do you have any breathing exercises you can do to calm yourself or does that sound a bit wanky? Would a glass of wine and a hot bath work better?

Good luck. It sounds like the week from hell - I want to climb under the duvet just reading that list.

Yup! A little bit!

Thank you so much for your message.

I have a few family members and friends. I'm just not very used to reaching out to them as Grandma was my main source of support. And with much love to them, they don't quite match up to her! We were cut from the same cloth. We just understood each other.

I might need to ask for more time off work. The words "it's just grandma!" echo through my mind. But there has been SO much.

And ofc is it better for me to be busy or not?

I need to think about that.

I'm glad you think I'm organised! Not half as much as Grandma. She has a notebook with exactly who needs to be called, wishes etc. I'm a jumble. But I know HOW to be organised and I'm trying.

(Sorry, I have just re-read and I can see you’re breaking everything down into what to do this week so ignore that bit of my post. That is just such a full plate…)

It’s not “just” your Grandma, though, is it? All relationships are different, the label is less relevant. I wasn’t as close to my grandparents as you sound, and didn’t have to settle their estates or deal with any practicalities - but I found the death of my last grandparent (also grandma) felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me - it really was the end of an era.

@MyCatHatesWhiskas

That sounds like one hell of a load to carry. I’m so sorry for your loss.

May I make one suggestion? Accept any and all offers of help. I get the impression you are used to having to do everything because you’re the only person and if you don’t do it, it won’t get done (apologies if I have completely mis-read the room). But most people would feel completely overloaded with just one of these issues to deal with, never mind the full list on your plate. So if work says take the time you need - take that at face value. You have got to put on your own oxygen mask first here before you turn to helping everyone else.

Also: what helps me if I’m overloaded is to be ruthless in sorting out what is today’s problem, as opposed to what can wait. Like your mum’s estate. That can wait. So maybe this week’s priorities are keeping yourself as calm and well as possible, whichever DD needs you most, and then whichever practical aspects relating to your DGM that can’t wait until next week. Or whatever else you deem most important. The rest can wait until next week.

Can you rope in help to make the phone calls? Do you have any breathing exercises you can do to calm yourself or does that sound a bit wanky? Would a glass of wine and a hot bath work better?

Good luck. It sounds like the week from hell - I want to climb under the duvet just reading that list.

Thank you! I know you took back your message but it helps so much to know people think it's a lot. It is right??

And you were actually spot on. People have "offered help" but nothing specific. And I'm not used to asking for help. I think I do need to sit back and ask for specific help. While they are willing.

I'm good at asking for help, not for asking. Yup for anyone who's supporting someone grieving - if you ask for help and they don't accept, come back with something specific you think you could help with.

Urgh. Just spoke to a dear friend. They said everything I have to do right now only needs to be done once, ever. That helped.

@MyCatHatesWhiskas

It’s not “just” your Grandma, though, is it? All relationships are different, the label is less relevant. I wasn’t as close to my grandparents as you sound, and didn’t have to settle their estates or deal with any practicalities - but I found the death of my last grandparent (also grandma) felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me - it really was the end of an era.

It's really, really not.

She was more my mum than my mum was. I didn't appreciate how much so (just that I didn't feel "normal" when mum passed) until she was gone.

So guilt that I didn't love mum the way I should have ALSO plays into it but I'm shelving it (and getting proper counselling!).

For now, my person has gone.

It sounds like you have a lot of grief to process OP and that will take time and self kindness. Are you a lone parent? sounds like it. Your eldest staying with the boyfriend could be a very nice thing for her, it sounds like you've been through a lot of worry and looking after her. Youngest two at home you can just leave them to it, but of course it's a worry for you with the lfts and also more people to look after.

You sound very resourceful and have taken some steps already to take care of yourself such as the cbt and reaching out to samaritans and cruse. Those are all steps in the right direction to getting yourself some support. You're also obviously doing well at work and also raising 3 kids and dealing with these bereavements both the emotional and the admin side. It's a huge burden for anyone.

Eventually the practical side of things will be dealt with, I know that will take some time, and the dcs will be back at school.

You definitely need some support and some nice things for yourself, even if it's a bath or a bar of chocolate or just something you enjoy. Be kind to yourself.

So very very sorry for your loss and other major ongoing concerns
Probably can offer nothing constructive but just a virtual hug and request that you look after yourself 💐

I mean to say with your youngest two, don't beat yourself up about them doing school work and all that. It will be a couple of weeks, it will be okay.

And no, no partner. Ex was abusive (completely out of the picture). Just me, sigh, just a handful of people at arms length which I might now need to let closer. Grandma was the only person I knew loved me unconditionally.

You are doing amazingly well OP to cope with all of this on your own, I hope you know that. Your Grandma's love for you and yours for her will always be with you, love is eternal

@Poetrypatty

It sounds like you have a lot of grief to process OP and that will take time and self kindness. Are you a lone parent? sounds like it. Your eldest staying with the boyfriend could be a very nice thing for her, it sounds like you've been through a lot of worry and looking after her. Youngest two at home you can just leave them to it, but of course it's a worry for you with the lfts and also more people to look after.

You sound very resourceful and have taken some steps already to take care of yourself such as the cbt and reaching out to samaritans and cruse. Those are all steps in the right direction to getting yourself some support. You're also obviously doing well at work and also raising 3 kids and dealing with these bereavements both the emotional and the admin side. It's a huge burden for anyone.

Eventually the practical side of things will be dealt with, I know that will take some time, and the dcs will be back at school.

You definitely need some support and some nice things for yourself, even if it's a bath or a bar of chocolate or just something you enjoy. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you! Yup lone parent.

I trust DD to know what's best for her at 17 though she's knows I'm here for her if she needs me. Will just need to keep talking to her.

School work is really going to have to do one if they can't do it themselves. I did spend a lot of time trying to help them today but keep getting pulled off for calls with undertakers, college, etc. And normally I'd have work too!

The younger two should be back to school soon. That will definitely help (I think all the school uniform is washed just need to iron it!).

Just needed to share my burden somewhere, I swear this is just a little bit extra ans the fact I feel like I'm not coping is because it's just a little too much.

@user911

So very very sorry for your loss and other major ongoing concerns Probably can offer nothing constructive but just a virtual hug and request that you look after yourself 💐

Thank you

@Poetrypatty

You are doing amazingly well OP to cope with all of this on your own, I hope you know that. Your Grandma's love for you and yours for her will always be with you, love is eternal

Thank you I can't hear her right now right sucks, but maybe she's too busy on the other side. She'll come back.

@Poetrypatty

You are doing amazingly well OP to cope with all of this on your own, I hope you know that. Your Grandma's love for you and yours for her will always be with you, love is eternal

Actually, in one of her "wishes" on the notebook she said "love never dies, it lasts forever". I only read it after she passed.

Actually, in one of her "wishes" on the notebook she said "love never dies, it lasts forever". I only read it after she passed

That's lovely
Also can you give yourself a break and not iron the uniforms?

@Poetrypatty

Actually, in one of her "wishes" on the notebook she said "love never dies, it lasts forever". I only read it after she passed

That's lovely
Also can you give yourself a break and not iron the uniforms?

Yup.I've just sorted out DD3s clothes (for AS SOON as results come back - bickering between siblings is more than I can bear) with some anti crease spray. Will do. DD2 back Friday.

Firefighting is totally ok right now, right?

Firefighting is totally ok right now, right?

100 percent. You sound like someone who has a base level of a LOT to deal with, more than many would cope with, and high expectations of yourself too. So all of the things that have happened recently is on top of already coping with all of that.

Just do the essentials for now and let stuff like ironing and home schooling and anything else which you don't really really need to do go by the wayside. Take that time for yourself instead.

@Poetrypatty

Firefighting is totally ok right now, right?

100 percent. You sound like someone who has a base level of a LOT to deal with, more than many would cope with, and high expectations of yourself too. So all of the things that have happened recently is on top of already coping with all of that.

Just do the essentials for now and let stuff like ironing and home schooling and anything else which you don't really really need to do go by the wayside. Take that time for yourself instead.

Thank you SO much.

I just needed to hear someone tell me that was OK.

Honestly, thank you so much.

You're really welcome and I am thinking of you and wishing you well

@Poetrypatty

You're really welcome and I am thinking of you and wishing you well

I hope it's ok just to vent random stuff here.

Her neighbour is in touch and she's going in opening blinds in the morning and closing them and night.

She said it's like she's gone on holiday.

I have instructions to give her £1k once the flat is sold. I hope she'll be happy with that. She was the one to help Grandma put her pain patch on once I got her it from afar (due to Covid positive) and was there the last night.