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Original poster

Anyone ever dated someone they were not really attracted to ?

32 replies

Lovelyivy · 12/10/2021 19:41

Met someone two months ago and we get on great! We have same unusual hobbies(we met online on Facebook group for the particular hobby). We both want kids. Same taste in music, movies, same dreams. He is kind, lovely, smart and sex is amazing as well… However, he is not really my type. I thought with time he will grow on me and I’ll start fancying him, but it is still not happening (is it possible that the spark will come later?). Obviously we have sex so I’m not completely turn off by him, but I’m not as affectionate as I would normally be in relationship. I don’t want to give up because I never met anyone so compatible emotionally. What would you do? Keep going or break it off? Didn’t know where to ask for help se decided to post here…

OP posts:
Shuffleuplove · 12/10/2021 19:45

Sounds fine to me!

spotcheck · 12/10/2021 19:48

It's only been 2 months...
So, you are compatible emotionally, sex is great, you like him.

Do you mean you don't fancy him?

What exactly are you worried about?

flowery · 12/10/2021 19:50

How can sex be great if you don’t fancy him?

TurnUpTurnip · 12/10/2021 19:52

Yes I’m imagine lots of people have

Animood · 12/10/2021 19:53

I only really have a burning irrational, overwhelming attraction to people who are completely wrong for me and not good eggs!

So what you have described would be great for me, because I know I can't trust my attraction instincts.

Are you the same?

Dilbertian · 12/10/2021 19:58

I cannot imagine having sex with someone I didn't fancy.

But there's more to a life-partner than lust. For many couples the lust fades away but a strong foundation of friendship, mutual respect, attachment and compatibility remains. So maybe you've just done it the other way around? If it feels good and is working, does the lust matter?

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 20:04

No, I haven't. Attraction is pretty key for a long term relationship, otherwise you're just friends/flatmates.

Attraction can take time to grow sure, but given you've already had sex and it's been 2 months, I don't think it will. You already know enough of his personality to have figured it out. And it's terribly unfair to him seeing as you're not as affectionate or your best self, and he deserves to be with someone who feels strongly about him.

Also people can be a whole lot more annoying day to day when you don't have that warm, fuzzy feeling looking at their face. Attraction hormones help us bond, bonding helps monogamy for the long term. Otherwise you'll have to treat it as some sort of business partnership. That sounds a depressing life! Not to mention you are much more susceptible to falling for someone who you do fancy, while with him.

Give it another month, try and do a short break away and see how you feel. If still nada, do the kind thing and break up with him. He will eventually sense your lack of feelings and could end it with you anyway.

sjxoxo · 12/10/2021 20:11

I’ve never felt sex was great with someone I wasn’t attracted to… from your post I get the impression you are attracted to him!! Is there something else holding you back… x

MMMarmite · 12/10/2021 20:15

Yes but the sex wasnt great.

If the sex is amazing, what do you actually mean when you say you're not attracted to him?

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 20:16

Also I think you can have great sex with someone you don't fancy. I had a fwb who I didn't fancy at all but he was a demon in bed. Very good skills, good sized p*nis, very attentive and I trusted/liked him enough to feel safe and very relaxed. But it wasn't the deep, emotionally charged sex (staring into eyes, loved up) I have had in relationships. They felt like completely different things.

Not sure if this is what you have, OP?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/10/2021 20:36

You can definitely have great sex with someone you don't find physically attractive, that's not important for me at all. But then it's rare for me to feel physical attraction in real life or to celebrities. I find attraction grows as I get to know someone and become emotionally close to them.

When I first met my H, I thought "Fuck he's ugly!" But we were dynamite in bed. On the day we married I looked at him and thought "Fuck he's handsome!" Then when we split I was going through some old photos and thought "jesus christ he's fucking ugly!" Love is blind!

TurnUpTurnip · 12/10/2021 20:39

Men enjoy sex with women all the time that they don’t find attractive

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 20:50

@TurnUpTurnip

Men enjoy sex with women all the time that they don’t find attractive
This! And confirmed to me by my very good male friend!
Original poster
Lovelyivy · 12/10/2021 20:59

I don’t need attraction to have sex with people … And my attraction usually grows when being physically intimate with people so I was hoping the great sex will help but I still don’t really fancy him two months in…
On the other hand my ex husband was extremely hot and ended up cheating on me with many women - same for previous two ex… so obviously I usually for lust and attraction and it turns into disaster so I wanted to try different and now I’m unsure what I want… but I definitely want to continue little bit longer and see if anything changes ..

OP posts:
Pea22ches · 12/10/2021 21:07

I definitely think attraction can grow. You end up getting to know that person and if you like that person and how they treat you. Normally you see past the surface.

There's reasons why you may see someone absolutely stunning dating an average looking person. It's not all about looks especially once your past 20s.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/10/2021 06:57

I’d also hang in there
I’m another one that also goes for bad eggs
If he has these qualities and it’s good sex …. It might be a block at your end due to fear in intimacy , bad habits etc
You can’t force it of course
But Sounds like it’s worth persisting ?

MissSmiley · 13/10/2021 06:59

I felt like this about my ex husband, we were together over twenty years and we're still friends now, we both wanted kids, we certainly had lots of sex during the marriage but it wasn't by any means the best sex ever

SarahBellam · 13/10/2021 07:58

What is it about him that you don't find attractive?

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2021 08:00

I think we are all different, personally I couldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t find attractive. As you’re clearly not even starting to fancy him I doubt it will grow.

branchlight · 13/10/2021 08:06

I would definitely trade in 'fancying' for kind and lovely.

Especially when you add in amazing sex and compatible interests and life goals.

TheWestIsTheBest · 13/10/2021 08:14

This can work for some people, it didn't for me.

Comtedemontecristo · 13/10/2021 08:15

Yeah I dated a guy who was more of a friend. I wasn't attracted to him and couldn't even kiss him let alone sleep with him. I gave it a couple of months but still nothing so that was that. For me, attraction is the only reason to date someone. Why would you bother otherwise? I have pals to go to movies with etc. Dating is for sex (eventually) and to see if you are happy enough together for long term.

honeylulu · 13/10/2021 08:42

I had boyfriends when I was younger who I didn't feel a strong attraction to. I wouldn't say there was no attraction at all, I thought they were fairly nice looking and "liked" them but no head over heels chemistry. I don't know if I am very fussy or this is normal but I have met very few people that I had a really intense chemistry with. I didn't particularly want to be single for months/years on end so I did end up in relationships like that. I wondered if the attraction/chemistry would grow over time but it never did. I always felt a bit detached and that I knew I would be able to move on without a second thought when the time came. In contrast, when my strong attraction relationships broke up I felt devastated.

When I look back I do feel a bit guilty that I was stringing them along, but I never said "I love you" or gave the impression I thought it was a long term thing. Plenty of men do it too I am sure.

honeylulu · 13/10/2021 08:48

Oh and I meant to add that sex was nice enough but a thousand times better with the strong attraction/chemistry. I tried a one night stand (very nice looking chap) - satisfactory in a physical sense but overall a bit meh. Shagging an ex I had been very attracted to was much much more enjoyable. By the time I was 20 I decided casual sex/relationships were not for me, it was full on chemistry or not bother.
I am happily married now and have been for a long time but if I ever found myself single again I think I would stick with the decision I made when I was 20.

XiCi · 13/10/2021 08:51

@Bluntness100

I think we are all different, personally I couldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t find attractive. As you’re clearly not even starting to fancy him I doubt it will grow.
Without the sexual attraction he's just a friend. I have many male friends that I share hobbies, interests and values with and really enjoy their company. I dont want a sexual relationship with them though because I don't fancy them. I don't think it's something that comes later either. The whole can't keep your hands off each other sexual attraction stage is all wrapped up in the falling in love stage which obviously you don't have as your just mates. And yes of course you can have good sex with someone you don't fancy but for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? I dont think so, that would be grim.
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