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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trust your gut

26 replies

Feelingparanoid · 12/10/2021 10:51

When I first visited these forums I used to read a lot of responses to questions about suspicions of infidelity, which basically told the OP to 'trust your gut' and the like. Although my gut (!) felt this was wise advice, I never fully believed that there was such a thing as gut instinct.

When I first started wondering about my husband, there was no tangible evidence that he was straying. I just had feelings, and could quite legitimately have been called 'paranoid'. I kept on concentrating on these feelings, and searching (sometimes blind alleys) for over a year until I finally got the answers I had been seeking.

Further down the line I evidence came to light which lead to a really shocking revelation of infidelity over a period of time.

Can I just ask, what do you think is this 'gut feeling' which appears to kick in and is proven to be right so many more times than not?

OP posts:

LoekMa · 12/10/2021 11:03

I think most people know deep down who they're married to. Most choose to ignore it or push aside red flags. I would say in your case you had always known deep down he was the kind of man who would do such a thing. When you stopped ignoring the rwd flags or alarm bells you could finally see what was going on all along.
But thats just mho

Od130990 · 12/10/2021 11:05

Apparently it's a subconscious thing, we pick up certain habits & behaviour from the people we are closest to. In time if they randomly change those habits or behaviours even slightly we don't immediately pick up but subconsciously we do & then it gets repeated & ends up as tuition ( gut feelings ) I read that in a psychology book on human behaviour a few years ago and it made sense.

PleasantFucker · 12/10/2021 11:08

@Od130990 that's a really good explanation.

I'm one of those who always says trust your gut!

Od130990 · 12/10/2021 11:09

*intuition is what I meant 😬

Od130990 · 12/10/2021 11:10

@PleasantFucker definitely trust your gut, it's rarely wrong

tarasmalatarocks · 12/10/2021 11:11

I think if you have been with someone more than a few years you notice their habits and likes/dislikes and are acutely aware of them— so if. H suddenly starts taking his phone everywhere or never leaves it charging when you are around or turns it over always you notice this after a while— same as if they only ever wear aftershave if going out with you and suddenly start wearing it in the day or suddenly are meeting a friend for a drink when it’s never something they do and they seem quite vague about where they are meeting etc or take to ‘overexplaining a trip away’ — it’s all in my opinion slight changes in behaviour patterns and often a bit less detail about where they are, what they are doing. Your gut I feel can sense there’s a bit of distance that wasn’t there even if it’s not obvious.

neverornow · 12/10/2021 11:39

I knew of OW as she was a work colleague. He often spoke about all of his colleagues but one day called her by her full name - so say Samantha where he usually just called her Sam. The way he said it just jolted me. I think that's when he started having feelings for her. They had their first kiss about a month later at the Xmas party (so cliche!) And I specifically remember my gut screaming at me the night he went to the party - he wasn't behaving any differently but I just knew something awful was coming.

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 12/10/2021 11:48

@neverornow

Ah that's interesting because in addition to using sex workers - which my husband had to admit to - I think he also had a handful of flings and emotional affairs, one of which was always referred to as 'the woman who ...'. Whenever he talked about her, it was always that phrase. Yet he'd known her for years, I knew her name, so why never use her name when directly talking about her to me?! Funny how things make sense only with the benefit of hindsight.

OP posts:

OssieShowman · 12/10/2021 11:52

Yes, my gut instinct kicked in. Months of digging and it proved right

SilentPanic · 12/10/2021 12:00

I think it's our subconscious picking up on micro hints, also given out subconsciously. I know exactly what you're talking about OP. I knew my ex was playing away, but also felt like I "knew" details which I had absolutely no basis for knowing. For example, he'd come home from work and something in me would say, "He's been to his ex wife's house today", or "he's been on the phone with my best mate" or "He's had sex with that woman from the village". I just KNEW, but thought I was going mad.
It was almost a relief to find out that I'd been right every single time, because it meant that I could trust my gut. Amidst all the turmoil of that period, there was a really quite significant strength to be had that although I couldn't trust him, and I couldn't trust my best mate, I could trust myself in a way I'd never dared to before.

Californiansunsets · 12/10/2021 12:01

My gut instinct was telling me something was wrong, have to say though when I came on here and explained my reasons why I thought my husband was having an affair, I was told I was being ridiculous, she was probably just a friend/work colleague, I needed to get help with my insecurities blah blah blah.

I’m glad I trusted my gut instinct as I was right, he was having an affair with her.

KintsugiForever · 12/10/2021 12:03

Absolutely agree with all posters....I had never ever had issues with my previous partners having female friends etc. But on this occasion with this particular woman, I had a physical reaction to seeing a message from her pop up on his phone. I remember thinking 'what was that?!' ...I thought I was suddenly paranoid as the message was very innocent...but nope...spider senses were correct.

SilentPanic · 12/10/2021 12:04

Just to add to the above... I remember one specific time when I had a feeling he was with my best mate at that very second (they were meant to be at work, 30 miles apart- I had no reason to think otherwise.) I just KNEW they were together. So I sent him a message saying, "Remember that you have a partner that loves you xx". When it all came out, the timing of this made him accuse me of having access to his messages, because how could I possibly have known otherwise that he was, at that very moment, with my BF?

Lots of stuff like this happened. I don't believe in woo or psychic powers or anything like that, so I can only explain it as having an instinct and really trusting in it.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2021 12:18

I actually think it might be partly to do with thermones too. I think our body can pick up on a change of these in another person.

For example there were studies that have been conducted about what time of the womans cycle, men are most attracted to her.

So I don't think it's a stretch to suggest we can sense another persons 'smell' on a partner. Or how they may seem different after sex that they haven't got from us.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2021 12:19

*pheromones

neverornow · 12/10/2021 12:30

@Feelingparanoid yes that example you gave would have rattled me also. It's like the guilt or shame is stopping him from using her name?
He sounds awful. I hope you're doing ok. Assume you've left him??

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2021 12:50

I would say that on a date once, we were due to go on a walk in the park. I didn't vet the guy much as it was just a spur of the moment thing as the weather was nice and he had newly messaged me.

So we were due to meet for the first time at this park (busy, daylight). And I first saw him about 2/3 of the length of a football pitch away. And immediately my gut screamed at me - ruuuuuun!

Even from that distance. A man I'd never met.
And its not like his body language was odd or he looked creepy or anything. He was a fairly good looking bloke infact. But the second I saw him my stomach just dropped and i felt like I was in danger.

I didn't run because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get away so I stayed and acted normal. We walked round the place and chatted and the whole time that feeling in my gut stayed.

There were big old narcissist red flags that I recognised but only because I know how to spot some of the more niche ones. But even then...I've never had such a feeling of immediate danger on a date with an asshole before.

I did however get the feeling he was trying to lead me to darker areas of the park though. Luckily he got a call and had to bale. But half an hour after I got home he was calling to ask me out again that same night! Yeah, delete, block. Lol.

I dunno what he was but I suspect maybe a psychopath who was targeting me for something sinister. But I figure that such a feeling of fear out of nowhere on such a rare occasion is probably something you need to trust.

I think any kind of strong or ongoing instinct about something, probably has good reason to be there. But I'm not sure it's all about recognising body language or a change in behaviour or thermoes. Because then, how do you recognise a danger in a smiling person that you don't know, 2/3 of a football pitch away?

MydogWillow · 12/10/2021 12:59

I'm sure gut feelings, instinct and intuition are very primal reactions. We are so sophisticated now that we often dismiss that feeling or try to rationalise and ignore those reactions.

Listen to your gut!

MydogWillow · 12/10/2021 13:00

It's what kept us safe.

MydogWillow · 12/10/2021 13:07

And keeps us safe now.

AmIteallythatstupid · 12/10/2021 13:13

Yep my gut told me something about this particular work colleague of my husbands was off. He always said he couldn't understand why i had an issue with her. Then he went on to have a drunken one night stand with him. Obviously completely his fault although i found out afterwards that she had told another colleague she was going after him.

Grimsknee · 13/10/2021 01:18

Gavin de Beckers book The Gift of Fear has a lot of useful info about gut instincts

CatonMat · 13/10/2021 01:25

I think it harks back to the fight or flight response we get when there is trouble ahead.
It's primal, and overrides our rational brain telling us not to be daft.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 13/10/2021 04:24

We women are just very intuitive OP, I am surprised that you didn’t believe in a gut feeling until it happened to you, I thought it was common knowledge that when a woman suspects her partner of cheating, then 90% of the time she is usually correct.

For me I get a punchy feeling in my gut and that’s when I absolutely know with certainty that I am correct, it’s a horrible feeling and one that you can’t discount, men are rubbish at cheating, they look sheepish when they tell you they are off to play golf, whereas my mother once told me that women smile when they lie so they are better at it!

Booboo24 · 13/10/2021 08:06

I would always tell anyone to trust their gut, I think, like many others, that it's your body picking up on those tiny signals that we can't 'see'. We are very intuitive, the problem is, because it's usually quite a quiet feeling, it's easy to rationalise why it isn't so and that's why we ignore it.

I have the problem of anxiety and obsessional thinking, and one of the things I obsess about is gut feelings, how can I tell when it's a true gut feeling or when it's ocd at play. I spend a lot of time worrying about cheating and therefore if a thought pops into my head and my stomach goes, I then start thinking is this a gut feeling or not? I turn it over until I'm exhausted with no answer!

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