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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please

40 replies

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 19:55

Me and my partner weren't able to see each other due to covid, when we could again I went to his house, I had only been in there roughly 30 minutes and he took my clothes off in his living room doing sexual things, it made me feel dirty and cheap like a piece of meat he could do whatever too.
Was he right to do this? I did consent it's nothing like that it's just more how he made me feel.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2021 20:07

Sex is supposed to be something you do 'with' someone, not 'too' someone. So if it feels like the later in a relationship then its time to end the relationship and run for the bloody hills.

It sounds like he creeps you out op. So, in the bin with him.

Itsbeen84yearss · 11/10/2021 20:11

He probably thought he was being passionate. He should have taken you out on a nice date if you’ve not been able to for a while. A lot of women need a bit of romance before sex. Either bin him off or refuse home dates in the future and let him plan something nice

Original poster

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 20:44

We can just be sitting on the sofa he will get an erection then want sex but sometimes he goes home with a hard on which I find odd.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 20:46

How old is he ? Sounds like a teenage boy.
Does he watch porn. ?

Original poster

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 20:54

@GoodnightGrandma

How old is he ? Sounds like a teenage boy. Does he watch porn. ?

He's nearly 50 I think he does yes.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/10/2021 20:55

I think that if you didn’t like it and weren’t enjoying it you needed to say so. Expecting somebody to read your mind and realise that when you said yes you really meant no isn’t going to work out well for either of you.

Many people would be pretty keen to have sex straight away with their partner if they haven’t seen them for a number of day/weeks. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a pretty standard trope of expressing lust or passion in literature and movies etc. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to do something else beforehand, but it helps to say so.

altmember · 11/10/2021 20:57

It doesn't sound like you enjoyed it, but as you say you consented to it. Which perhaps you shouldn't have done if you didn't want to? It's no help asking on Mumsnet months later, you should be able to speak up at the time.
After being kept apart for so long, you should probably both want to rip each others clothes off. People that feel they always ought to be wined and dined before 'giving in to sex' are putting some weird transactional value on it.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 21:00

Not sure if I wanted it or not I just went along with it, and I never said I expect to be wined and dined beforehand.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/10/2021 21:02

Someone can't completely undress you without either you helping them or applying a lot of force. You need to be more assertive if you weren't comfortable.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 21:07

@girlmom21

Someone can't completely undress you without either you helping them or applying a lot of force. You need to be more assertive if you weren't comfortable.

I just went along with it but it's been playing on my mind since

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 21:18

Is he on Viagra ?

Original poster

thereishope75 · 11/10/2021 21:19

@GoodnightGrandma

Is he on Viagra ?

I have no idea

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/10/2021 22:49

If I hadn't seen a sexual partner for weeks, let alone months, I'd be wanting to get straight to sex, we'd be tearing each others clothes off.

The fact that you feel bad after him wanting sex with you desperately would make me think you are sexually mismatched. Which if you're wanting monogamy, means this relationship is a non starter.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 12/10/2021 06:25

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

If I hadn't seen a sexual partner for weeks, let alone months, I'd be wanting to get straight to sex, we'd be tearing each others clothes off.

The fact that you feel bad after him wanting sex with you desperately would make me think you are sexually mismatched. Which if you're wanting monogamy, means this relationship is a non starter.

What's monogamy got to do with it?

OP posts:

category12 · 12/10/2021 06:37

Are you still with him?

If you kind of froze and felt unable to say no, there's something not right between you.

If he has a habit of riding roughshod over what you want or of not checking in with you, you really need to rethink the relationship.

If you're disturbed by what happened and feel awful about it, that's valid, and it's whether you still want to be with someone who made you feel like that.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 12/10/2021 06:49

No not now we've had problems lately I've made a few posts about him, lots of things building up and bothering me, now just looking back and thinking about all the things he did how it's made me feel.

OP posts:

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 12/10/2021 09:01

It wouldn't bother me if I'd not seen my partner for ages. Was there any sexual talk in texts or anything like that. Once me and DH did have a bit of a dry spell and I had a similar issue like not wanting to just jump on one another but things are different now.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 12/10/2021 09:37

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

No texts he just made me feel cheap like that's all he wanted me to go round to his for.

OP posts:

Arabelladrinkstea · 12/10/2021 09:44

But surely if you had t seen each other for months and are in a relationship you were desperate to go to bed?
I guess that’s what some of the other posters mean, whereas you seem to be insulted by this rather than wanting this.
If you didn’t want to be wined and dined what did YOU want and did you express this?

What you like to have happened and what were you expecting?
What was it that upset you? Was it because it was in the lounge as you mention this?

Orgasmagorical · 12/10/2021 09:54

it made me feel dirty and cheap like a piece of meat he could do whatever too
sometimes he goes home with a hard on which I find odd
Not sure if I wanted it or not I just went along with it
I just went along with it but it's been playing on my mind since
we've had problems lately I've made a few posts about him, lots of things building up and bothering me, now just looking back and thinking about all the things he did how it's made me feel
he just made me feel cheap like that's all he wanted me to go round to his for

My opinion is that this relationship is not healthy, good for you or making you happy. Does he have any good points?

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 10:00

Why did you consent and go along with it if you didn’t wish to op?

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 12/10/2021 10:16

Hmm I kind of getting what you mean. So he kind of got there, leapt on you. Then left? If there had been sexting and build up I could understand it. Why you went along with it I'm guessing you got in the moment but after felt a bit used.

Phoebesgift · 12/10/2021 12:24

Stop going along with things that make you uncomfortable. Your man isn't a mind reader.
Some women would love his behaviour.

Original poster

thereishope75 · 12/10/2021 14:21

I think everything has built up over the past few months and made me rethink if I wanted to be with him, so him doing that just added to my worries.

OP posts:

Itsbeen84yearss · 12/10/2021 14:25

@altmember

It doesn't sound like you enjoyed it, but as you say you consented to it. Which perhaps you shouldn't have done if you didn't want to? It's no help asking on Mumsnet months later, you should be able to speak up at the time. After being kept apart for so long, you should probably both want to rip each others clothes off. People that feel they always ought to be wined and dined before 'giving in to sex' are putting some weird transactional value on it.

Transactional value? Honestly heard it all now. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of romance prior to sex

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