It's hard to explain - I genuinely think he's just wired this way, and he literally cannot see other peoples' viewpoints. So trying to discuss anything with him is an exercise in frustration because he has his very set view of a situation and that's it - no amount of talking will sway him from that.
He gets very set on what I'd call 'rules' and he finds it impossible to diverge from those rules. For example, he has some weights and a treadmill set up in the garage. He doesn't enjoy doing the weights or treadmill, but he does it religiously five times a week, the same programme, because that's what he decided to do 20-odd years ago, so that's what he does. I've suggested more enjoyable forms of exercise - running outside, footall, etc., but he cannot diverge at all from the programme he set himself 20 years ago, despite not enjoying it. Another example is the dogs. When they were puppies and we were toilet training them, we had let them outside immediately after eating because at that age they cannot control their bladders. But now they are five years old, my husband will still let them outside straight after eating, even though they can now control their bladders. But despite me telling him over and over that they're not puppies anymore and don't need to toilet straight after eating anymore, he continues to do it, because that's the rule we set five years ago and that cannot be changed now. He then of course gets frustrated when they won't go for a wee when he lets them outside, but cannot see that it's because they don't need to. What I'm trying to say is, he gets obsessive about things being just so, and our home is one of those things. So me repeating over and over again, over many years, that he needs to stop monitoring me, just doesn't go in because at all because the home must be kept in a very exact and precise way.
He is extremely intelligent and he excels at work. He doesn't like his line of work, but has stuck with it for 20-odd years because that's what he decided to do back then and he cannot see that he could actually change it to something else that he might enjoy. So he continues to complain about his colleagues but is incapable of seeing that it's his choice to be in this career and equally it could be his choice to do something different (he's skilled in areas that could be used in several job types, so it's not that he's stuck in a niche field).
I think he's learnt some social skills and almost 'acts' his way through social situations because he knows that's what you're meant to do. But as I've got to know him more and more over the years, I've noticed that he's almost like he's saying pre-learnt lines. He lacks a certain amount empathy for humans - a TV documentary where humans are suffering appalling horrors wouldn't move him, but he cannot stand animal cruelty, and has to turn the TV over if there's any hint of an animal being hurt. Because I think he's hardwired this way, and I don't think he's deliberately malicious, I let a lot of things go. He is not manipulative and he is not trying to be mean or hurtful. Most of it is unintentioanal and he simply cannot process my problem. He just does not see things the way I do or other people do. The only way I can think of describing it is, say he couldn't see trees for example, than trees just don't exist, and that's final - even if it was explained to him that trees do exist, he cannot see them so he won't have it that they do exist.
He can't read emotions or situations, and so he gets really defensive if he's questioned on anything. He doesn't like things changing in his world, so when I diverge from sympathetic, funny wife who listens to his woes and cracks jokes to keep him entertained, he cannot accept the change and that's when he goes snappy at me, because I'm disturbing his careful world. So right now, when I'm not talking to him and just need space from him, this will really disturb him because he's not good at change but also because he doesn't understand grey areas - only black and white - and he doesn't like emotional behaviour. He'll currently be in a self-righteous indignation about how I cause more work for him round the house by not doing things properly, he'll be telling himself I'm lazy, my life is easier than his, etc. Then, when I finally give in and ask him to talk, he'll deliver all this character assassination to me, then won't listen to my viewpoint because he has already made his mind up and believes his own narrative. He will not deviate at all from this - this is now decided and is fact about me. I cannot be right about anything, ever. If he doesn't see something that way, then it doesn't exist and so I'm wrong, and that's that.
Writing all that down, and also reading my OP, makes him sound like an awful person. But I'm not a pathetic naive idiot. Of course he has good points, or I wouldn't have married him in the first place. He is steady, calm and decent. He can be very funny, and he can laugh at himself if I poke fun at him. He is reliable, predictable and extremely loyal. There is no way on earth he would ever cheat on me - that would be appalling to him. If anyone has wronged me, he is outraged and will always fight my corner. He never shies away from defending me. He's absolutely rock solid in that respect. After coming out of a relationship where my ex was volatile (not violent, just shouty and dramatic), this calmness when I met my husband was really appealing. He's still like that - any crisis, and he's so soothing and steadying to be around. He is a surprisingly good listener when I have a problem (but it needs to be a problem that doesn't involve him having to change anything about himself), he will sit and listen to me patiently for hours without getting bored. He is great at calming me down and comforting me with things like when my dad got diagnosed because he can look at a situation objectively and sensibly. He will happily sit with me and let me be hysterical about my dad, and all the while being calm and strong and listening to me, giving me a hug (albeit a bit awkwardly, but he knows this is what I need) and then saying all the right things to calm me down. He just can't examine his own 'flaws' or difficulties, and he is completely un-self-aware of the impact his rigidity may have on other people.
Op won't leave.... Despite some excellent advice on here...she's I'll equipped to even understand what's been going on for the last 20 years...in denial... and seems more concerned about how she'd cope alone...
You couldn't be more wrong. I've got my eyes wide open, but like any long-term marriage in which you've invested a lot of time and energy, there are really great times and there are bad times and it is never a simple decision to leave, and no situation is black and white. As I explained in my final paragraph above, my husband has qualities that I love deeply. He's complicated, but actually he's also really simple at the same time. It's posters like you, who get impatient when someone who posts on the Relationships board doesn't immediately agree they need to LTB that put people like me off posting here.