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Original poster

Is sexual tension felt amongst both people?

31 replies

Toadmystery44 · 11/10/2021 13:54

Odd situation. Went out with my male good friend at the weekend. We went for dinner and to the cinema. He paid for everything, despite me saying I will transfer money and we always split it.

We have dated in the past and became close again in January. He then had a life event that affected his mental health. I supported him, we stopped flirting. Now he is better, we are a little flirty, but not as much as before. I am interested - I think.

However this weekend the atmosphere was very sexually charged. You know the feeling of heavy air and nervousness. He seemed to be sitting very close to me and glancing at me loads and touching my arm. You know the signs

Don’t know if I imagined it or if both people feel it. What do you think?

OP posts:
DespairingHomeowner · 11/10/2021 13:59

You have to ask him… or flirt with him & see how it goes

It can definitely happen that only 1 person senses sexual tension (especially if only 1 person feels an attraction!). Given that the 2 of you have dated though …a bit less likely!

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/10/2021 14:02

It’s always been very much mutual for me. God I love a sexually charged atmosphere...However of course it’s possible for one person to feel it and the other to really not be feeling it.

It’s likely that you’re reading him correctly, though, since you actually know him, have dated him and are good friends with him.

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 11/10/2021 14:07

@DespairingHomeowner I can’t directly ask. He is still receiving counselling. I joked last night I was not a catch. He replied he is lonely but not ready mentally to date strangers again.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule the weekend was a repeat of our second date a few years ago. He even said it was the same. He then remembered places we had been to as we walked past them.

OP posts:
DespairingHomeowner · 11/10/2021 14:22

@Toadmystery44: based on what you’ve said, don’t push it/give some time. If he wants to talk to you about dating again he will

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/10/2021 14:23

Yes I agree.

He’ll make it clear if he wants to take it further.

todaysdilemma · 11/10/2021 15:24

I think it can very much be felt by one person only, and the only way to know for sure is if other people comment on your chemistry too. It can be easy to read into every gesture/action/look if you're hopeful. You would know him best though as to whether there is a difference in how he is now.

My only caution is to not read too much into the flirting. As people can do it because it's nice, and fun, but not necessarily mean they want anything more. Especially when it's between friends and it's a safe environment to be a bit flirty without the commitment. Not sure who ended things the first time around, or why they ended - but if it was him, then he needs to bring up dating again. If it was you who ended it the first time, then you can always wait till he seems to be in a better place emotionally before you broach giving it another go.

Whatever happens though, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay in just a friendship with him as clearly you do have feelings. And you shouldn't get any more emotionally invested as you will find it impossible to move on, if he doesn't want a relationship. This blurred boundary of friendship/dating will be a mind fuck for both of you, if you don't address it soon.

Dery · 11/10/2021 15:40

I think @todaysdilemma has nailed all the important points.

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 11/10/2021 19:08

@todaysdilemma I ended it as he was distant. Basically life got busy for both of us and we didn’t prioritise each other.

We stayed in touch. I feel I may be looking into things. It’s one of those undecided things. Do I confess when I know he is not mentally ready? Or do I stay quiet and accept friendship. We do enjoy each other’s company. But he blows hot and cold. I ha e some self preservation as before his actions didn’t match his words. Now they do, but I am always doubtful as previous behaviour dictate they always didn’t.

We treat each other in more regard now than before.

OP posts:
MancMum2000 · 11/10/2021 19:16

I’m not sure I’m getting great vibes from this OP. I think usually if a man really wants to be with you nothing gets in the way. The on again off again thing due to vague emotional reasons or not being “mentally ready” is a bit of a red flag to me. Also him saying he’s not ready to date strangers somehow makes it seem like you’re the convenient back up he could shag without as much effort as getting to know someone new.

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 11/10/2021 23:06

@MancMum2000 it’s gone past the shag and back to friends position. I am not doing that without some commitment. He would need to make an effort to get me there.

I understand why he is not mentally ready. It was horrible what happened and for no reason. Police involved and the “victim” is now being charged for wasting time.

We were starting to form a relationship before it happened. Then this set it back

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 11/10/2021 23:45

I think Op, since things were luke warm even before his incident and you ended it, you should give up on him. He has obv never felt as strongly and unless he confessed he loved you, before you ended things, not sure what there is to go back to?

Ignore his emotional readiness - atm you're a safe landing spot for him as he works through his trauma. When he's done he'll go back to being the guy you broke up with, just not that invested. And more likely to end up with a new girl he doesn't associate with that dark time in his life.

I would find a way to move on, Op. If he wants to be with you, he will be. But I wouldn't hold out hope as you've both already had a chance and it never progressed very much.

Fmlgirl · 12/10/2021 12:16

Yes definitely could be felt by both, but is that really important here?
He sounds like too much hard work and on and of is how this would continue. It wouldn’t suddenly turn into a proper and go really solid. Are you happy with this?
I second what other posters said. This man doesn’t want a proper relationship.

SparklingLime · 12/10/2021 12:23

I joked last night I was not a catch. He replied he is lonely but not ready mentally to date strangers again.

This does not sound great at all. Sounds like he is considering getting back with you as you are familiar and available.

sospspsp · 12/10/2021 12:57

Loneliness is horrible, we've all been there.
I've briefly dated a guy with mental health problems, when we spilt up - even though all my friends and family loved him, saw he made me happy and thought he was a great guy - every single one of them said, "oh well that it's then" when I told them it was over (even though they would have no clue of his mental health).
None told me to keep trying, they all accepted having a relationship with someone with serious/moderate mental health problems was going to be too hard and I should give up on the idea of being with him

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 12/10/2021 15:21

@SparklingLime I have held off telling him as I am worried I am the safe choice. However he normally texts everyday and I got nothing yesterday. He knows I am away on holiday and have lots of things planned. But nothing. Did say speak to when you get back.

Suppose I am reading too much into it.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 12/10/2021 15:29

I don't think you are necessarily reading too much into it - if there's a sexual frisson it could well be being felt by both of you. But that doesn't mean this guy is the right one for you. It sounds pretty much like he's ready for a relationship, he doesn't trust a stranger and you therefore fit the bill nicely. That's no way to go into a relationship. It's almost certainly not the right time now for you, even if it is for him. And long term it's quite possibly not right for either of you.

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 12/10/2021 15:35

@MiddlesexGirl thanks. We get on really well and attraction is there on both sides. It was heading in that direction then life event happened. It was no way an event to start a relationship. So life pauses.

It’s what he went through why I am cautious. If we try then no going back. He is having counselling to process it. It’s a long game, but not too sure it’s worth the wait

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 17:42

I feel I may be looking into things

Why don't you trust this feeling?

Even if there's sexual tension between 2 people, it doesn't mean they should follow through. The whole thing feels a bit on/off, emotionally.

That wouldn't be your choice, would it. If someone asked you what you want in a relationship, you'd probably say 'someone who makes me feel emotionally safe; someone consistent and clear with me'

He's never offered those things, has he. At best, going on previous experience, you're looking at a high followed by him pulling back. What makes you think things will be different?

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 12/10/2021 18:04

@TheFoundations true. He pulled back loads before as he said he did want to let his guard down. He hit rock bottom and let his guard down now. We were honest about past feelings.

Now I still don’t trust his reliability and actions matching words. He hasn’t done anything in the past 8 months to suggest otherwise and actions surpassed words. Suppose it’s self preservation

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 18:12

Now I still don’t trust his reliability and actions matching words

Oh god, you already don't trust him and you're not even in a relationship yet. Run, OP. RUN!

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 12/10/2021 19:58

@TheFoundations I trust him to be faithful. He used to be flakey. Fir past 9 months his words have matched his actions. Always turns up even with treats I think it’s from before, so protecting myself.

OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 12/10/2021 20:01

I'm sorry OP but it's sounds like he's got you 'on the bench' don't be his stepping stone to a serious relationship Flowers

Original poster
Toadmystery44 · 12/10/2021 21:36

@Lollyneenah I am not too sure if he has. It’s more me that has him in Reserve.

Somewhere we have always gotten back to each other. But life is not a romantic movie. It’s just me to decide whether I want to say how I feel or not.

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 23:20

But you've not gone back to what you were before? It doesn't seem like it ever became a serious relationship- how long were you actually dating for? And are you sure the event is what made him withdraw or was he always ambivalent about you? Irrespective of how nice and sweet he's being, unless someone says they want to date you, there's nothing else there.

It does sound like he enjoys the benefits of a relationship, little dates, having someone to confide in and talk to, etc without the commitment. He's also lonely and knows it's too much baggage for a new girl, so he has you around. But if he appreciated it so much, he would ask you to be his official gf... Because there's nothing stopping him now is there if you're doing everything (except sex) a gf would anyway. For your own sanity, just ask him outright so you can move on with your life if it's a no.

TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 23:51

[quote Toadmystery44]@TheFoundations I trust him to be faithful. He used to be flakey. Fir past 9 months his words have matched his actions. Always turns up even with treats I think it’s from before, so protecting myself.[/quote]
Do you think that the only trust necessary in a relationship is just to trust that they won't sleep around?

If you don't trust someone because you're protecting yourself from the way they've behaved before, why aren't you listening to that lack of trust? Our defences come up when they need to. Why ignore them? Treats?