Is sexual tension felt amongst both people?

[Toadmystery44]

Odd situation. Went out with my male good friend at the weekend. We went for dinner and to the cinema. He paid for everything, despite me saying I will transfer money and we always split it.

We have dated in the past and became close again in January. He then had a life event that affected his mental health. I supported him, we stopped flirting. Now he is better, we are a little flirty, but not as much as before. I am interested - I think.

However this weekend the atmosphere was very sexually charged. You know the feeling of heavy air and nervousness. He seemed to be sitting very close to me and glancing at me loads and touching my arm. You know the signs

Don’t know if I imagined it or if both people feel it. What do you think?

@todaysdilemma we dated for around 6 months. We split up as we both didn’t prioritise each other. He had issues with his teenager which he didn’t share the extent of and I worked long hours.

Yes act like a couple without intimacy. Why I have not said anything is because I know what happened to him amd don’t want to be the easy choice. Him I guess he is not interested or just needs to recover from the horrible event.

I should but scared if the answer.

@TheFoundations it’s true my defence has come up as previously he was flakey. Over the last 9 months he has done nothing to suggest he is trustworthy. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back.

[quote Toadmystery44]@TheFoundations it’s true my defence has come up as previously he was flakey. Over the last 9 months he has done nothing to suggest he is trustworthy. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back.[/quote]
Your emotions are holding you back, regardless of his behaviour. If something in you is telling you that a situation isn't quite right for you, then it isn't. It's not a case of trying to work out why it's not right and trying to fix yourself so that the situation will make you happy. It's like not liking sprouts; you don't just keep trying, and thinking that something in you is wrong for not liking them. You just say 'Non sprouts for me, thanks.'

Where/when did you learn to dismiss/minimise your emotional responses? Usually it comes from childhood, when the parents have demonstrated a relationship to the child of not respecting each others' feelings, or when the parent's haven't respected the child's feelings. Is any of that true for you?

Healthy relationships are based in the foundation that both people respect and trust each other. The 'If you treat me badly, you won't be allowed to have a relationship with me any more' thing is baked right in. That's not happening with this guy. You have a sexual spark, but you don't trust him. So the sex might work, but a relationship won't. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to pull away from this guy, and find someone who simply makes you think 'Oh, he's fab!' without any caveats. Otherwise the caveat(s) will mean that at least part of your time will be spent stressing about the relationship, and that's not a relationship pattern you want.

Is it?

@TheFoundations sorry I should of said he has fine nothing to suggest he is not trustworthy.

We do a dance round each other. I am not dismissing my feelings, hence why not said anything. I need to process myself what these feelings are. Forced intimacy due to lockdown and the situation or real feelings.

At the end of his event when he went back to work I did say to him don’t be a stranger. He said he will not be and will see me weekly. He did say I sound like I feel I was used. I did say that was in my mind. He said I am his rock and he would never use me. So far stuck to his word

Yes, he has showed you already that he is not trustworthy, and so you don't trust him. You've said you don't trust him. If you're not facing that and responding appropriately (ie by ruling out a relationship), then you're dismissing your feelings, whether you think you are or not.

The ins and outs of 'he said', 'I said', 'he said' aren't relevant. You don't trust him, so what he says isn't something you can rely on to be true. Words are cheap, and he's showed you in the past that he's quite capable to/comfortable with flaking on you. Words don't matter, Actions matter and your feelings matter.

Unless you want a relationship with someone you don't trust, you would be making a mistake to start a relationship with someone you don't trust. Do you see how simple it is?

Do you want a relationship with someone you can't trust? Try to answer with one word rather than getting into details and excuses. It's a yes or no thing.

I think it’s more complicated than yes and no. First question is am I capable of forgetting and trusting that the last nigh months he has done nothing to doubt being worthy of my trust.

I think I can forget and trust