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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling to help him....Would I be wrong to walk away?!

34 replies

readitoutaloud · 11/10/2021 12:39

I feel so guilty for even signing up here and posting here, but I don't know where else to turn...Please be kind.

I've been together with my partner for 2 years now. We've been through some really tough times, but this year has been a particularly tough. Within the space of six months, he has lost two family members and a friend. He also has a very stressful job that often leaves him feeling very drained and unmotivated to do anything. He is severely depressed and has told me a few times he is feeling suicidal. At the moment, he is receiving weekly counselling, but it only seems to help temporarily in that moment. His moods are so up and down that I’m constantly walking on eggshells. We had an argument last week and he arrived home late from work. I immediately assumed the worst, and as a result I’m an absolute nervous wreck. I feel as a partner I have tried everything. I have encouraged him to go to the doctor, but he refuses. I think he thinks they’ll just put him on tablets which he doesn’t want to take. I try to support him with everything that he does. I’m always trying to please him and make him happy but whatever I do I feel it’s not enough.

I’ve turned down certain jobs because he doesn’t want to be alone at night, and then as a result he won’t be able to sleep.
I’m meant to be going to a funeral next week, and it’s a long drive. My mum has offered I stay over at her house, but I can’t because I know he’ll be upset, and those things make him unhappy. Some days I can’t get anything out of him, and it leaves me feeling lonely and exhausted. I also have a DD from a previous relationship. I’m scared that my attention is so focused on my partner that it’s affecting how she is behaving. I am very unhappy and the only thing stopping me from walking away is the fear of him doing something stupid. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I could have somehow stayed and helped him.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 11/10/2021 12:47

You are not a counselling service nor is it your job to fix anyone else, especially someone who won't do anything to help themselves. Why are your needs not as important as his? Would he be the same support for you if the situation were reversed?

I'm also very sceptical of his claims that he can't be left alone so you can work evenings/parent your daughter/attend a funeral. It all sounds very controlling under the guise of his mental health.

You are not responsible for him

zafferana · 11/10/2021 12:51

A relationship should enhance your life and make it better that it would be if you were alone. If that is not the case (and it certainly doesn't sound like your relationship fits that criteria), then no, YANBU to want to end it. Your 'D'P sounds like a controlling, needy drag who stops you doing almost anything, unless it relates to supporting him.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 11/10/2021 12:53

Ultimately, you can't fix him, nor can you stop him doing anything. You are not responsible for him. Living with a partner with depression is incredibly difficult and if you need a night away, takes it. You can't destroy your own mental health as well.

If he is refusing to even see a GP about potential medication then I would be having a long hard think about your relationship. You can't help someone who won't help themselves and you deserve someone to treat you nicely. Your DD needs you to be the best parent you can for her and you can't do that if all your attention is taken up with him.

I can relate to everything you're saying about not feeling good enough etc as I also have a partner with depression and it's really shit.

TheAverageUser · 11/10/2021 12:55

His mental health is his responsibility. You can't stay with someone because they threaten to end it all, that could go on forever and it's not fair. It's easy to say I'm sure it's nearly impossible to leave but it's so unfair on you, why should you take that responsibility?

mobear · 11/10/2021 12:58

I’d walk away OP. He could try medication but instead chooses to use you as a crutch. It’s his responsibility to look after himself, not yours. I know that you’re concerned he might kill himself, but it also might be the wake up call he needs to seek further help (because clearly the counselling isn’t enough).

sadie9 · 11/10/2021 12:58

I would at least move out into your own accommodation if not actually break up with him.
When did you move in with him and what was the reason for moving in with him?

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 13:00

It is not your job to fix him.
The answer is most probably antidepressants, which he refuses to take.
Save yourself and split up. Maybe he will then care for you enough to sort this out.

BobbiPinsOn · 11/10/2021 13:01

@GoodnightGrandma

It is not your job to fix him. The answer is most probably antidepressants, which he refuses to take. Save yourself and split up. Maybe he will then care for you enough to sort this out.

This

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2021 13:03

Find a boyfriend rather than a Project

terrifa · 11/10/2021 13:09

Why can't you stay over at your mums house?

Original poster

readitoutaloud · 11/10/2021 13:22

@Justcallmebebes

I'm also very sceptical of his claims that he can't be left alone so you can work evenings/parent your daughter/attend a funeral. It all sounds very controlling under the guise of his mental health.

You are not responsible for him

He did warn me before we got together that he could be 'intense', and so I knew that. Friends warned me that he seemed possessive...we worked on that.Just can't deal with how I'm feeling right now. I still love him, but in my heart I know I'm so unhappy and it's dragging me down.

OP posts:

Original poster

readitoutaloud · 11/10/2021 13:24

@terrifa

Why can't you stay over at your mums house?

I can...but he wouldn't like it. Hate it in fact. He is very reliant on me, and yes, I'm scared he would do something silly.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 13:30

So you have a b/f who warned you he was "intense", your friends are worried that he is possessive, he has severe MH difficulties but refuses to see a GP, you are turning down work to accommodate him, he does not allow you to stay away from him overnight, & you are a "nervous wreck" who feels "lonely & exhausted"?

Are you & DD living with him?
If you can't break up with him for you, can you di it for DD?
Why should she have all her mum's attention & energy on a b/f of 2 years?
How much good do you think it's doing her, seeing you wrung out by a draining man who seems to be the most important factor in your life right now?

Gingernaut · 11/10/2021 13:37

Get out.

He's jealous, possessive, doesn't see a problem with this and won't do anything about it.

Leave. Grab all your personal documents, anything of value and your child and run to your mum's place.

Unanananana · 11/10/2021 13:38

Women are not rehabs for men.

If he is refusing to help himself, there is nothing you can do. You need to put your child first, not another adult.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2021 13:40

Run for your life. This relationship is ruining your mental health. It's doomed to fail.

MamDancer · 11/10/2021 13:41

@ChargingBuck

Excellent post. Take heed OP.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 11/10/2021 13:50

There's no cure for depression. All you can do is take medication to numb the feeling. And he won't even do that.

Just purely out of interest, when was the last time he brought you some flowers?

monkeeeee · 11/10/2021 13:50

I think it is time for you to re focus your energy on your 2yr old. Your DP has now got you where he wants you, anxious to leave him, worried he might do something to himself. So you and your DD have to exist around someone who is emotionally draining and offers nothing positive to you both.

Please tell me you have not moved your DC into this mans home ?

The first step is you going to stay at your mums and attend the funeral.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 11/10/2021 13:50

OP you've tried really hard to help him but if he's refusing to engage with proper help, and just expecting you to be there constantly whilst giving little back, that's not a relationship that it's fair for you. If he was a husband of 20 years experiencing a nasty MH blip my advice might be different but you've no reason to think this will improve for the foreseeable and you have your, and your daughter's MH to prioritise.

I would say end things the right way, with a clear, open, heartfelt conversation, no ultimatum, no open door back, and start prioritising yourself and DD. You could provide him with contacts or leaflets for his GP and mental health services. He may not use them and probably already has the information but you might feel more secure in the knowledge that you have left him with those practical things so done all you can.

Salayes · 11/10/2021 13:54

“I also have a DD from a previous relationship. I’m scared that my attention is so focused on my partner that it’s affecting how she is behaving.” - This sounds worrying, can you elaborate? How is she being impacted?

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 13:54

He ‘keeps’ you by threatening to harm himself. This is control.
For the sake of your child and yourself, get out.

BlueSlate · 11/10/2021 13:56

He wouldn't like it if you stopped at your mum's after a funeral to avoid two long drives in one day??

Tough shit!

Come on, OP, you're better than this. Stay overnight and if he's 'unhappy' then let him get on with it!

terrifa · 11/10/2021 14:08

Why wouldn't he like you staying at your mums? I don't get why he'd have a problem with it.

readitoutloud · 11/10/2021 14:19

@terrifa

Why wouldn't he like you staying at your mums? I don't get why he'd have a problem with it.

Because he would be 'alone' with his thoughts, and wouldn't be able to sleep which then that impacts everything else. Also says it's because he knows i'm safe. He's had sleeping problems since he was 15 though.

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