If your DP/spouse works away a lot...

[m1shap3]

Do you work full time?
DH has had to start regular working away. I work full time and feeling it, everything being on me. DC hobbies as well as obviously the school runs, the pets, the cooking, blah blah blah.
But when I think about others in the same boat, people I know or know of, I realise the one who isn't working away is part time.
If you work full time, how do you feel? Do you think they appreciate or understand that everything is on you? My DH works hard while he's away, I get that, but once he finishes work his meals are made for him ( a restaurant or takeaway), no beds to make, washing to do, homework or reading books, etc. An early night in the hotel if he wants, or being in the pub for something to do.
I'll admit I'm starting to feel resentful...

have you spoken to him about this and about wanting to either go part time or get some help (be it a cleaner/childcare) while he's away? Don't become silently resentful over something that might have an easier solution

My DH worked like this but I was a SAHM for lots of it.
You’ve found the word already - resentment. And it will follow on through your relationship.

My DH works away a lot and I'm a SAHM, I could probably manage part time if I had to but full time would definitely be a stretch.

Have you spoken to your DH about how your feeling? If not you need to approach the conversation now before that feeling of resentment towards your DH grows.

Would you manage financially as a family if you dropped some hours or went part time?

My partner works away a lot and I work full time and 2 kids. They are my kids not his. No resentment here because he calls me every night to see how I am, how the kids are. He speaks to them about how their day was and tells us about his day. When he is home he does the cooking, cleaning, school drop offs and pickups. He gives me a proper break.

If you are starting to feel resentful, you need to address this sooner rather later otherwise it will fester and create a much bigger problem.

If he's had to start working away has this come with a pay rise that would help pay for a cleaner or other help?
Does he get to finish earlier or start later when he's not away so he can pick up the slack?
What's stopping him from facetiming the children after work to hear them read? What other admin can be done remotely?

We have spoken, however I approached it one evening when I was particularly stressed about getting my workload done, and probably didn't approach it in the best way. It caused a huge row (over the phone, he was still away) and we have barely spoken since except to argue.
Regarding part time, the argument started due to me saying that I don't really know anyone in this situation who works part time, and if this was to be a long term thing, maybe I could think of going part time but I followed this up with IF he at some point got a pay rise and we were not going to be worse off. We both earn decent salaries, although his is a lot more. He didn't get a pay rise when he started going away, as it is the same job. He has always been expected to travel, however due to the project he is working on it has become much more regular, and for more nights at a time.
In response to could I afford to go part time, we could but we don't want to do this and sacrifice the nice things we currently have, hence why I suggested going part time only if he ever got a pay rise. This got his back up, as if he was going to be working harder for me to get it easier...
So not to drip feed, he is very hands on when he is home. Does the majority of the cooking, does other jobs around the house and his share of school runs.
I suppose the problem is he sees me going part time as me getting an easier life and him feeling like he is working harder. (I was part time for a year after maternity leave, but ended up having to get another job and couldn't go part time there, so it's not as if he has always been against it). I just don't think he acknowledges the additional mental load I have when he isn't here too

Oh I should add I do already have a cleaner, only a couple of hours every other week so that does help. Maybe I'm just crap at adulting!

No you are not its not just the physical load its the mental load that makes it really tiring.

Maybe wait till he gets home and you aren't as stressed and have a face to face conversation with him, you do need to work it out somehow because building resentment will ruin your relationship long term. Maybe you will have to sacrifice some luxuries in order to tackle this issue, what other solution is there really atm? If you're not prepared to do that then why resent him for something he can't control (other than presumably him getting another job that doesn't involve travelling)

I found it lonely when DH worked away.

My DH works away and I have been working full time with 2 DC. I'm reaching the point where it's too much and I feel I either need to drop to part time or give up work completely. I can't believe I'm now having these thoughts because I used to be so career oriented but I can't keep going. It's actually getting harder as the kids get older and I know my evening workload isn't going anywhere (teacher!). I found the baby/nursery years much easier than I do now!

Just to add - I don't resent DH (well not too much!! ) and he massively appreciates everything I do so we don't have those feelings in play.

My dh works away. I'm a stay at home parent.

DH works away regularly and has since before DD was born. It was particularly hard when she was smaller as I was working and studying and there was definitely resentment there.
As DD has got older it’s got easier but the commute/school run issue meant even with wrap around care we couldn’t sustain both of us working more than full time.

So I went PT. It means less juggling and stress for both of us and DH steps up when I need to work longer hours or different days.

I think a lot of the early resentment was sleep deprivation!!

I do not resent DH being away but it can be overwhelming. Over the years I have learnt that the dc cannot do loads of activities during the week as I cannot do it all, that if they miss an activity one week because I am tired it is not the end of the world, that online shopping is a life saver, that a quick freezer tea is fine. I would step back and really look at what you do each week and see what you can actually manage. When here DH is fully involved and very helpful and it maybe that your DH needs to recognise that you have bad weeks and you need to be able to say it to him. I have been known to rant!

My husband works away weeks at a time. We have DD2, we live 250 miles away from family. It's all on me and I work FT in a highly stressful job. I'm now starting to resent the situation. DH gets up each morning, goes the gym, goes for a run. Can work late if needed. I'm running round non stop. Have to cram gym sessions in of a weekend.
I'm now starting to look for jobs closer to family but now resent having to leave my current job. DH in the military so moving won't impact him.
No answers from me but it's not easy.

I shall add DH does so much of a weekend and appreciates everything I do but still not easy.

I would say have a good chat about it when he is next home and you are both calm.

Have a think about he can do whilst away perhaps admin wise .
Could he do some batch cooking when he is home to ease your load, particularly if youbare ferrying kids to afterschool clubs/activities.
Get the cleaner to come weekly or even twice a week, or get someone to do the ironing.
Do you have family who could help out a bit?
Mine used to go to Grannies after school and have tea once a week.
It is tricky when it's all on you

We both worked full time, I was the one that was away a lot. OH was/is a great dad and loved being their daddy. I did get resentful of the amount of time he had with them. I missed him of course but I also missed a lot of the girls growing. Eventually I changed roles so I could be home more.

My DH lives in another country for work, I'm a SAHM. All our life admin, parenting etc falls to me, and I'm not sure I'd do a decent job of that if I worked as well. I'd manage, but I don't just want to manage. We don't need me to work & I don't won't to put my son in wraparound care, so it will stay as it is until he's back home full time. I do miss working though.

My dh works away. He leaves Sunday afternoon and is home Friday evening. I work part time and at uni 1 full day a week. It can feel like I'm all over the place with pick ups, hobbies etc. Mil does help with pick ups sometimes

Pre kids I was the one who worked away a lot. Sometimes 3 weeks in every 4 I was out of the country.

DH worked away a bit, but only 3 or 4 times a year. It wasn't sustainable long term for both of us to work like that with a child, so I stepped back and now work part time in a different role. I didn't feel ready to be away that amount of time from DC and I was getting jaded from the travelling. Part time suits me well as I can work around school runs and school holidays. It was a big financial hit, but it's the choice that worked for us.

Due to Covid DH hasn't actually left the house for getting on for a couple of years, so it's a non issue right now. Hats off to families who manage full time work and childcare, especially if they have no family help. It's tough.

I did eventually give up work, mostly because I used to go in early to the office to get enough hours in, so he did nursery drop off and I did pick up. I just couldn't do the hours once he took a 6-month contract abroad. Although life went a bit shit after that anyway, so even if he was around it would have been hard to keep working.

A few years later we moved back to my home country and he was still working abroad quite a lot, my Dad was dying and my Mum needed my help and the DC were still very young. We got an au pair and it made a huge difference just to have another adult around the place.

My dh worked away for five years when our children were at primary school, no familial help

It was hard

I resented it if I am honest

Not great for our relationship

Did not and could not work at the time, it was too much otherwise