I can feel my relationship slowly coming to an end.

sophiellxo · 2021-10-11T06:43:21+00:00

Me and my partner have a little girl who will be 5 months in a couple of weeks she hardly sleeps at night so I am always shattered my parter works late and normally doesn't get home to 8 every night. I feel like we hardly see or spend time with each other because as soon as he comes in he'll bath our little girl and let me go to bed it's repeated every day. Theirs not really much affection anymore we hardly ever kiss. Has anyone else experienced this?, should I break up with him or try to work on it?

Quickchangeartiste · 11/10/2021 07:47

Hang in there. You have a young baby - a grenade in your life. Does your partner have a day off from work? Can you do something on those days - a family walk, a coffee?
It will get easier, but it helps if you can chat together and share the highs and lows.

SarahBellam · 11/10/2021 07:51

The first year of having a baby can be brutal - so hang in there, you’re nearly half way through. What will get you out the other side is communication. Talk to him, send him the odd text, make time to spend together - and tell him your concerns.

stalkersaga · 11/10/2021 07:52

You're still in the trenches of parenting a tiny baby. Of course you hardly see each other. This bit is all about survival.

It's a bit unusual to think your relationship is over because of it, though. Do you feel you aren't on the same page re: surviving? Were you in a bad place before the baby?

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 07:55

@stalkersaga

You're still in the trenches of parenting a tiny baby. Of course you hardly see each other. This bit is all about survival.

It's a bit unusual to think your relationship is over because of it, though. Do you feel you aren't on the same page re: surviving? Were you in a bad place before the baby?

We argue quite alot and to be honest I don't think he feels the same anymore or wants to be here I honestly think the reason he is still here is because of our little girl.

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Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 07:57

@Quickchangeartiste

Hang in there. You have a young baby - a grenade in your life. Does your partner have a day off from work? Can you do something on those days - a family walk, a coffee? It will get easier, but it helps if you can chat together and share the highs and lows.

He's off most weekends although he dose tend to work some Saturdays. I just feel like I just annoy him or cause an argument when I try to bring up how I feel.

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GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 07:58

I wouldn’t rush to throw in the towel yet.
Do you do anything together at all ?
Is there anyone that can baby sit so you can get out together, even if just for a couple of hours ?

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 07:59

@GoodnightGrandma

I wouldn’t rush to throw in the towel yet. Do you do anything together at all ? Is there anyone that can baby sit so you can get out together, even if just for a couple of hours ?

We do try and make time maybe every odd Saturday a month I just feel now his hearts not in it anymore and he's still her for our little girl only

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RantyAunty · 11/10/2021 08:01

Did he come home at 8 before DD was born or is that new?

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:03

@RantyAunty

Did he come home at 8 before DD was born or is that new?

Yes he's always came home at 8. But we could at least get a few hours together before she was here because I had a good night sleep the night before

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GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 08:07

Have you asked him if he’s just there for your DD ?
You both need to move on and be happy if he is.
Please don’t spend the next 10/20 years with him just for her.
And make sure you use contraception.

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:10

@GoodnightGrandma

Have you asked him if he’s just there for your DD ? You both need to move on and be happy if he is. Please don’t spend the next 10/20 years with him just for her. And make sure you use contraception.

We have had multiple talks about it he says he is not but I can't help feeling he's just telling me what I want to hear, as he told me that was the reason he stayed so long with his ex for their little girl.

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GreyCarpet · 11/10/2021 08:10

Have you talked to him? Or does it always descend into an argument?

It might help if you approach it with, "I feel..." statements rather than "You do/don't..." statements. It's hard to argue with how someone else feels but people naturally become defensive if they feel accused.

Everyone else is right though, these are the survival months!

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:11

@GreyCarpet

Have you talked to him? Or does it always descend into an argument?

It might help if you approach it with, "I feel..." statements rather than "You do/don't..." statements. It's hard to argue with how someone else feels but people naturally become defensive if they feel accused.

Everyone else is right though, these are the survival months!

Yeah I hesitate to talk about anything like that as I feel like I am annoying him and it mostly turns in to an argument

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Cindi85 · 11/10/2021 08:12

Give it time, they say don't make any big decisions in the year following birth! It's a tough time. If things don't get better, try marriage counselling. Do you still love him?

GreyCarpet · 11/10/2021 08:12

Ah X post.

Hav you told him you're worried that he's only there for your little girl?

Tbh, it's only been 5 (very, very long!) months and having a baby is a huge adjustment.

How was your relationship before the baby came along?

Cindi85 · 11/10/2021 08:13

If that's what he said then choose to believe him. Give it time. You aren't his ex.

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:13

@Cindi85

Give it time, they say don't make any big decisions in the year following birth! It's a tough time. If things don't get better, try marriage counselling. Do you still love him?

Yes I still love him just don't know what to do for the best.

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3luckystars · 11/10/2021 08:13

It’s a very very hard time but it doesn’t last forever, you might feel very differently in a few months time. You are both exhausted.

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:14

@GreyCarpet

Ah X post.

Hav you told him you're worried that he's only there for your little girl?

Tbh, it's only been 5 (very, very long!) months and having a baby is a huge adjustment.

How was your relationship before the baby came along?

I just feel like I annoy him when I try to talk about problems in our relationship for the most part it was good we do argue occasionally but so do most couples

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GreyCarpet · 11/10/2021 08:15

Yeah I hesitate to talk about anything like that as I feel like I am annoying him and it mostly turns in to an argument

If it were me, I'd pick a good/quiet time and say, "Look, there's something I really want to talk to you about. I love you and I don't want to argue but I really need you to understand how I feel."

I found that all.my feelings about everyone and everything (especially negative feelings) were amplified during the first year because its lonely, boring and exhausting!

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:16

@GreyCarpet

Yeah I hesitate to talk about anything like that as I feel like I am annoying him and it mostly turns in to an argument

If it were me, I'd pick a good/quiet time and say, "Look, there's something I really want to talk to you about. I love you and I don't want to argue but I really need you to understand how I feel."

I found that all.my feelings about everyone and everything (especially negative feelings) were amplified during the first year because its lonely, boring and exhausting!

That is very true I have been overly emotional and stressed recently so that doesn't help at all

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Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:19

@Cindi85

If that's what he said then choose to believe him. Give it time. You aren't his ex.

I think I just overthink everything it's always how I have been as a person

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GreyCarpet · 11/10/2021 08:19

Would it work if you acknowledged its a difficult conversation for both of you and that it has been difficult to do without it becoming an argument, that you're both exhausted etc but it's really important to you that you have one really honest and open conversation about it and one where you can trust the outcome and are not left feeling like he's just trying to reassure you?

I understand the difficulty. You're both tired, he's been at work and is tired, you're at home with the baby all day and are tired. No one really wants a deep and heavy conversation after that but, without it, you're not going to feel any better. And you want honesty not platitudes and vague reassurances.

Original poster

sophiellxo · 11/10/2021 08:22

@GreyCarpet

Would it work if you acknowledged its a difficult conversation for both of you and that it has been difficult to do without it becoming an argument, that you're both exhausted etc but it's really important to you that you have one really honest and open conversation about it and one where you can trust the outcome and are not left feeling like he's just trying to reassure you?

I understand the difficulty. You're both tired, he's been at work and is tired, you're at home with the baby all day and are tired. No one really wants a deep and heavy conversation after that but, without it, you're not going to feel any better. And you want honesty not platitudes and vague reassurances.

I always leave to conversation feeling worse than I did before it but my problem is I overanalyse and overthink everything he says or when I feel he's being off drives me crazy

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OnPaper · 11/10/2021 08:23

Did you use to argue a lot before baby arrived or is it a new development?

When our child arrived DH and I had been together 5 years by that point. In those 5 years we had our fights here and there but nothing like the first year of our child's life. In that first year it was constant bickering and snapping. It all calmed down when DS started sleeping through the night when he was about 11 months.

Don't make any rushed decisions right now (unless there is abuse involved). I see you say that it ends in an arguement if you try and bring up how you feel. I really think he needs to engage with you in a calm heart to heart discussion of how you both feel about the situation and perhaps both agree a way to tackle arguments.

I remember a poster once said when she had a baby that her and her partner agreed that everything that was said in anger after 6pm(?) wasn't to be taken to heart and it wasn't them but exhaustion talking.