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Original poster

How to deal with being ghosted

29 replies

MeganChar1 · 10/10/2021 18:43

Hi,

I recently got back in touch with and started seeing an old flame again from 10 years ago. We were both 18 when we were seeing each other before and it just fizzled out because we were young, however not spoke for 10 years until recently. We have been seeing each other again for about a month and during that time going to each other’s houses 2-3 times a week and also sleeping together. At the start I was clear about wanting something more than just fun and he said the same to me. We normally text through the day as well. However the other day he text me out of the blue asking if I had been talking to other guys, I said no I hadn’t (which is true) and asked where that had come from and he said it was just a feeling he had. Things have felt weird on text since then and I sent him a message saying that things felt weird and asking if he still wanted to carry things on or not, said I like where things are going but wouldn’t want to carry on if he doesn’t. I got a vague response saying he had been busy and not directly answering the question, he basically deflected my own question back on me and again I said I would want to carry on but not if he doesn’t want to as I don’t want to mess around. He’s read it and no reply, that was yesterday evening. What action should I take from here, should I send a text saying “is that it then?” Or just leave it? Very disappointed and quite sad because I did think it would go somewhere and was liking the pace, it wasn’t too fast or too slow considering we knew each other from before x

OP posts:
solarsky · 10/10/2021 18:49

I would leave it, you can't change someone's opinion of you even though you haven't done anything wrong, he's probably blaming you and using it as an excuse not to commit.

Cloudfrost · 10/10/2021 18:50

Don't chase him for an answer.
His silence speaks volumes

litterbird · 10/10/2021 18:56

Hi silence is all you need from him. He is communicating with you loud and clear. Never, ever contact him again. Just move on, its was only 4 weeks but ghosting does sting a bit. Just a big deep breath and get on with life x

Fruitandnuts · 10/10/2021 18:58

Do not text him again. He will most definitely come back. He’s either got cold feet or not interested.

Cold feet may mean he is doubting things since you have stated what you what, which is 100% great that you did. Do not allow him to drag you along in a half hearted relationship. You’ve stated what you want and maybe he is having some thinking time.
Perhaps he needs time to assess and think. Most men seem to pull away before properly committing. Keep your strength and do not pander after him. In fact if you do that may push him away further. Always put your self respect and self worth above any man.

He could however not be interested and is too much of a coward to say so. Again do not text him. If he wants you he will let you know. No men would risk losing you if he wants you.

If the latter is the reason then yes it’s sad but let him go. Don’t have a men in and out. Keep clear boundaries, you want a relationship so if he doesn’t move on and you will find someone who does. You’ll grieve for a few weeks but you will be fine.

I had a FWB situation and he went cold when I wanted more. I never pandered after him. He didn’t want me and had ghosted me on and off when I actually took a step back I could see it so so clearly and I needed to accept that. He was going to continue dipping in and out of my life if I allowed it. I didn’t want that so I gracefully left things. No texting no calling I just left things. They always come back and he did, months and months later but by then I had moved on and found a proper man who actually wanted a proper relationship.

Just leave things and assess. You need to put yourself first

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 10/10/2021 19:17

Definitely don't follow up asking where things stand. Hes gone weird on you and the onus is on him to come back to you if he wants to keep seeing you.

I would have said if you'd only had a few dates just to let his silence and lack of a proper, enthusiastic response be the end of it.

However, since you go way back, probably know people in common and he's accused you of cheating more or less, it may be simplest to end this formally when you feel you've waited long enough so that if he sees you on an app, or with someone else, he can't claim you've messed him about, there's no grey area.

When you're ready, I would send something like 'since I haven't heard from you for a few days and you replied to my last message about where we stood noncommittally, I think best if we draw a line under things here. All the best'.

It really sucks, being ghosted, but you'll get through it. Unless he's in touch really soon I'd write it off as he will no doubt be back, but you want someone keen, not flaky.

ExcitedtoTry · 10/10/2021 19:33

It’s too soon for this drama.

Leave it. Move on.

Original poster
MeganChar1 · 10/10/2021 19:34

Yes I know my head is saying not to message him and I think I’m going to listen to my head as I’ve made it clear how I feel, I just feel really sad as thought it was going so well and also the chemistry when we saw each other was amazing (it always has been when we were younger as well as currently) and it came very out of the blue from him as we were just texting normally the other night having a conversation then he just said it. My friends think it’s very odd. The only explanation I can think of is I sometimes have guy friends who would comment on my stuff on Facebook and he might have put 2+2 together and assumed I was involved with them that way when I’m not but because he won’t give me a proper explanation of where that thought process came from for him it’s very frustrating x

OP posts:
mismine · 10/10/2021 19:46

In my experience men are chickens when it comes to dumping someone so they try and blame it on the girl or just start behaving like arseholes until you dump them first. Completely ignore him (pretend he’s died in a plane crash). it’s the only way he will remain interested in you if there is any interest left to be had.

YouTubeAddict · 10/10/2021 20:52

Ghosting is bloody horrible and cruel. I’ve only had it done to me once and it was in a spectacular fashion!! We’d been seeing one another for three months, he came over one night and we had not one but two (bloody amazing) shags! I then woke up and he’d disappeared into a puff of smoke, never to be heard of again. Never knew what I did to offend him. God he was a good shag…100% cum rate (sorry TMI)

Those were the days. I feel for you @MeganChar1

supercali77 · 10/10/2021 20:58

First of all, if a few comments from male people on your fb are enough to generate this kind of behaviour, think about what that means long term. It would be torture.

Secondly as everyone else has said silence is your answer. If he comes back and he probably will I would be inclined to close the door thoroughly. Boundaries! People cannot be permitted to step in and out of your life without any accountability. If you decide to let him back in then a reason for the behaviour is needed. And also noone should be able to do that and slip right back into the way thing were when they ghosted. They're back at square 1. Square -1 actually. They've shown themselves lacking in some basics of emotional maturity and communication skills

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/10/2021 21:10

Do nothing
Delete his contact
Delete the conversation

I think anyone cowardly enough to ghost
Doesn’t deserve a close out

I’m sorry for your hurt feelings though
Totally sucks Flowers

aurynne · 11/10/2021 01:22

I'm going to suggest something completely different. it is so easy to misunderstand each other through messaging and social media. Why don't you just meet in person? Any way this goes, direct in-person communication is always sooo much better! If you thought you had something good there, are you going to let messenger and social media ruin it for what could potentially be a misinterpretation of tone or meaning?

Original poster
MeganChar1 · 12/10/2021 12:45

Update on the situation- so I left it and didn’t message him again after the last message I sent. So this morning he messaged me “hey how are you? How come you’ve not messaged me” when I was the one to send the last message and it had two blue ticks on WhatsApp. Advice please? I’m so confused. Thing is I’ve already started to move on and meeting someone else for coffee on Saturday.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/10/2021 12:48

You were supposed to chase him then. 🙄

I'd reply "I did. You chose not to reply. I'm not interested in time wasters, let's just call it a day."

JudgementalCactus · 12/10/2021 12:54

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You were supposed to chase him then. 🙄

I'd reply "I did. You chose not to reply. I'm not interested in time wasters, let's just call it a day."

Yep, i second that.

Don't let anyone play with your feelings like that. He want you to chase him and stroke his ego. Fuck that. Save yourself the heartache and dignity and be the one to end it.

litterbird · 12/10/2021 12:56

OP he knows exactly what he has done and what he is doing. Never forget that. He is now realising that you have more worth than waiting around for someone who thinks you are cheating. If you want to clear the air by all means but dont do it on text, just pick the phone up and call. However, as you are already moving on and seeing someone for coffee then I dont think any meaningful contact is necessary. Just a "hi, I am fine" and be done.

Name99 · 12/10/2021 13:01

Yep, he wanted you to chase and play games.
He accused you of talking to someone else then stonewalled you.
Doesn't bode well for a relationship
I'd forget about him and block him tbh

pollypocketlover · 12/10/2021 13:04

Yeah, he wants you to chase him. You sitting here feeling confused is the exact effect he wanted his behaviour to have on you.

JudgementalCactus · 12/10/2021 13:04

I had an ex who brought up unfounded cheating accusations whenever he wanted to claim the upper hand in the relationship. He loved to see me tied up in knots trying to reassure him and convince him. It was his way of rocking the boat to make me fight for him.

Also, he was totally projecting. Cheating bastard Angry

But I digress. Point is, this is a well known tactic among abusive men.

Fruitandnuts · 12/10/2021 13:21

Knew he'd be back !

So his latest message is to remove all responsibility from him, he is text book behaviour now. He'll now start the hoover process of trying to make you feel guilty or he'll have some stupid reason for ghosting.

It's really up to you. IF you still care (its your life after all) you SHOULD call him out again on his behaviour which i would do via a phone call, say something like 'hey listen i want to feel respected and valued and this ghosting/non communication is not what i want. i'm being clear here , can we move past this, how do we make sure this doesnt happen again?' He'd then need to demonstrate some remorse, say sorry , which his ego may not allow him to do. He could just deflect back to you, making you feel bad. If so then don't bother. If there is remorse, you could give him one last chance, its your life. You need to demonstrate you are have high self respect and won't put up with current behaviours, sadly men will test them so its very important at any relationship stage to be hold people accountable.

I'd still go for the coffee date ! Keep YOUR options open. It will help to have other potential men interested. Take a step back from Ghoster, maybe demote him to friendzone for a while ! Remember you are a prize and You have options !

TalanaTey · 12/10/2021 13:23

Ugh, the expecting you to chase him. The pretend innocence! (Kinda gaslighting really).

Is he really that into you? It’s only been a month so I think you should try and get some objectivity if you can. Don’t put any more energy into this, unless you really think he cares and he shows it!

TalanaTey · 12/10/2021 13:24

Fruit and nuts, I also knew he’d be back …

HappyDays101010 · 12/10/2021 13:45

This does not have a storybook ending I’m afraid. I’m sure you won’t kick him to the curb just yet, but his behaviour doesn’t bode well.

tropicalwaterdiver · 12/10/2021 14:04

It looks like he is interested but doesnt want to invest in your relatiinship. Reply "All good! Have a great week!"
Go ahead with your plans...

TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 18:26

Your silence is your dignity. Hold tight to it. He will keep trying as it's bashing his poor little ego, but he should have treated you better.

What do you owe someone who treats you poorly? Nothing.

Silence is dignity.