Angry, tired and tearful

[ItCameUponAMidnightClara]

First, thanks to anyone who reads as I don't really know where to start so think this will be a bit of a garbled mess.

I am just feeling so lonely, and alone right now. The two people I always thought were good for me - my DP and my mum - are both pissing me off no end in their various ways.

I've posted about DP before but things have moved on, not sure where I stand with him anymore. Our DS is nearly 7 weeks old and DP is finally bonding - in fact he's great with him. When I watch him chattering away to DS and playing, there's a moment where my heart melts, I love DP again, and can imagine having a whole bunch of babies with him.

Then reality kicks back in and in my mind I pack and leave and imagine being happy on my own - I don't think DP likes me as a mother. He (still) hates me breastfeeding and I'm getting angry about it. I feel like he has ruined it for me and I can only be greatful that I've not had any problems bf'ing as if I had I don't know how I would have coped - and so I just hope I don't come into trouble as 7 weeks is still so early... I will never breastfeed in front of DP's family because I am starting to not want to do it in front of him. And I don't think I'll ever have the confidence to do it in public so feel like my time out of the house is really restricted.

DP should have supported me and it pisses me off that after 7 weeks he hasn't found it within himself to be a bit bloody self-analytical and ask himself what his fucking problem is, and sort it out. Instead he claims to not know why exactly it bothers him, just that it does.

He has asked me for two things: end dates for breastfeeding, and co-sleeping. DS is in with me and DP hates this too and so is on the sofa. I bought a 'spare' bed so he could be comfortable but he refuses to use it - I think this way, the sofa is 'temporary'. I might be able to put DS in a bedside cot, but cannot imagine moving him to his own room for as long as I am doing night feeds - feeding in the night is quite nice at the moment, why would I choose to end it?
As for breastfeeding, I didn't know how I'd find it, if I'd want to do it, and now I am I love it, I don't want to commit to stopping at say, six months, as when DS is six months he and I might both be enjoying it still so why should I say that's when I'll stop?

These two things are becoming real sticking points and lead to conversations that run into arguments where DP goes on about hating that we have no time together, I reply that he is welcome to sleep in our bed but chooses not to, and I'll shout at him that this is what having a tiny baby is like, but try to remind him that DS is only going to be so tiny for a short time, there will be a structured bedtime at some point, but we're all still finding our feet... We keep deciding to split up, then getting sad and saying we still love each other so will try to stick it out. This is happening about once a week.

Today when we went through this bloody routine again, DP said first that he dreads coming home from work a bit in case DS is crying, and wonders if I'll pass DS to him as soon as he's through the door - don't think I've ever done this actually, but DS is settled so quickly by DP when he is agitated and I sometimes have trouble calming him down. I thought DP enjoyed being so 'good' at this, IYSWIM. He also said he can't wait each evening for me to take DS to bed so he has some 'me time'. So now I'm going to spend evenings paranoid that I should be going to bed earlier to get out of his way.

The reason I'm upset with my mother is that she so readily sympathises with DP - I can see some merit in some of what he says but he is supposed to be on my side - isn't that what mothers do? She always plays devil's advocate, about anything - she was the same when I was having problems with my boss, always seeing her POV and not mine - I know she means well but sometimes you just want someone to agree with you and acknowledge that you're hurting and that it's valid.

She also ignores me when I talk - today I was trying to explain what DP said about coming home and she was cooing over DS at the time - I know she's a besotted Nanna and I love that she loves DS so much but she was here to chat to me so the least she could do is listen when I talk. It's not as though she was in a hurry, or that I was interrupting her.

And she keeps criticising my parenting - she is super supportive of breastfeeding which is great but she thinks I should put a deadline on it, and co-sleeping, thinks that at 6 months on the dot the baby should be in his own room. And holding off weaning until 6 months and not having a rigid routine... she's great in so many ways but when it is clear all I need is some support, why does she have to be critical.

I just don't know what to do. Is my relationship over? I know that it's so early with DS but perhaps having a baby really is the end for some relationships, as sad as it would be. I have it pretty good here. DP earns well in a not-too-stressful job, we have a beautiful house in a nice area, I do not 'have' to return to work next year, and on paper things couldn't be better - but what goes on between two people really goes beyond their circumstances.

I'm not sure if I want advice, sympathy, or a kick up the arse, but I had to get this out as I've really no one else to talk to.

[ItCameUponAMidnightClara]

It's hard to find a long enough stretch of time to myself to post. I can't read this thread when DP is around - the suggestion of showing him the thread was a good one but not know I've talked about my mother.

Speaking of whom, we talked more on Sunday and I told her that playing devil's advocate may seem helpful but I need her to be on my side... she cried and said she was sorry but felt so sad that things might be over and that she'd do anything to try to help me. She just wants me to be happy and I know that but she is not one to think before she speaks - hmm I wondered where I got that from .

My mother is a funny one, though. Sometimes she is so compliant with her husband it makes me slightly angry and I wish she'd be a bit more assertive. But that's easy to say - she was a single mum for 15 years so I am used to seeing her as independent, she married my stepdad (who is fab btw) 6 years ago, and of course there does need to be give and take in a relationship - perhaps I am bothered by her 'giving in' at times because I only see her side and don't know what equal sacrifices my stepdad is making? Maybe it's partly age too - not that she is old, or that I think she's old, but I can see as she is getting older she is more cautious and slower paced. Perhaps she's becoming a bit 'traditional'.

DP and I talked again about the breastfeeding thing. He said - and I believe him - that he ha s dealt with the breast issue and doesn't feel weird about that - but is just bothered by the noise. I don't know if this is progress or if I should be even more pissed off. It sounds so ludicrous really but is it that far-fetched? I don't know, one minute I want the throttle him and the next, hug him tight.

I have to cut this short for now, my thoughts aren't really in order here either. It's been a hectic few days, we are all poorly, we've had £430 go missing from our account from the debit card, having trouble with some builders who are working next door and the general chaos of life - we are all tired I think.

[millie865]

My mother isn't one to think before she speaks either. It's like she's missing a filter between random thoughts that go through her head and saying things. Sometimes she doesn't even realise she's said something outloud (normally when it is something she shouldn't have said!) We've had some horrible rows since I had DD. When I'm feeling good about things I can remind myself that she loves me and means well -when I'm feeling low I just want to scream and run away.

I may be wrong about this but I think the whole noise thing with your DP and breastfeeding isn't the real issue. It sounds to me like he is finding it hard to cope with not being number one on your list any more but because he is either unwilling to admit this, or actually unaware of it, he is trying to find other reasons to justify his potision. Rather than get caught in circular arguements about breast feeding or co-sleeping can you find ways of making him feel like he is still important to you?

The feelings you are describing towards him will be recognised by so many people on here. I was with a group of friends recently and the last one of us to have children, who is now pregnant, was asking for new baby advice. I said 'what no one tells you is that there will come a point when you look at your partner and think 'I hate you, this has all been a horrible mistake'.' She looked horrified, but everyone else laughed and agreed with me.

Honestly it does get better. I feel closer to my DH now than I ever did, but the first couple of months were HARD. Have you got any RL friends who have had children recently you can talk to? Often everyone thinks everyone else's relationship is fine so doesn't want to talk about the problems they are having. It's only afterwards you realise you were all going through the same thing.

[ItCameUponAMidnightClara]

Thanks Millie. What hurts in part is that I do expect things to get better eventually and I think I'm a bit bitter that we have to go through this first - that some of this is normal, that other people live through this - it's shit to be honest and I wish we could speed up the healing process.

It's been a turbulent week, very up and down, like every week that came before it. But we had a long chat yesterday and DP finally admitted to feeling pushed out and unwanted - he thinks, for example, that because I like co-sleeping, it means I don't want him back in the bed. Not the case at all. Other things were said, a lot of it's a blur, but that felt like the first time we were really honest with each other in a while.

We're going to try to have a good Christmas - after arguing for two weeks whether to bother at all - I felt like I'd regret not 'doing' Christmas because even though DS won't remember, I will and I don't want his first Christmas to be remembered as a bad one. On the other hand I thought what's the bloody point, will faking it hurt more? But we're going to give it a go, get a tree and some nice food and just try to enjoy being together as a family - which is all I ever wanted.

We need to make time for each other though and that's where we come unstuck - playing pass the parcel with DS for the sake of a few minutes peace while neglecting our relationship completely, until it boils up into a row - lather rinse repeat.

Fingers crossed.

[clam]

Oh Clara.... I'm so sorry that what ought to be a magical, loving, family time has become so stressful for you. At least DH has admitted his feelings on the subject of BF-ing. I gather they're quite normal (although my DH has always been grateful just to catch a glimpse of my tits, whatever the circs! ), but what matters is how he deals with it. Stick to your guns and don't be pressured into stating -when- the feeding or co-sleeping will finish (when my DH finally carted DS1 off to his own room at 4 months, I honestly felt as bad as if we'd been dumping him on the hard shoulder of the M1! Guess what, he survived! And went into town on his own today, aged 11, to do his Christmas shopping. It felt the same!). If your relationship is rocky (as it seems you regularly discuss splitting up), then it's doubly important you go with your instincts re: your son. He's with you for life - DH may not be!

[NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations]

The noise of BF bothers him so much that he wants you to set a deadline for stopping Do you know, there are going to to be so many times in your DS life where doing the right thing by him is inconvenient, means putting him before anyone else and yes, noisy. Having read all your posts about your DP I am actually rather concerned about his immaturity, jealousy of his own son and most of all - the controlling note. He really wants to be in charge of you, your body and your son, at least that's how it sounds to me.

You haven't been with him all that long have you? Have you been through any testing times before? If so, what was his reaction? How well did you know each other before you got pregnant? And most of all - can you see him changing and growing up, because although you might get over the BF/co sleeping issues, ultimately if this is his personality/general behaviour from now on, you and he are going to be in comfolict over a lot more things to you with your DS, to his detriment and yours.

[NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations]

to do with your DS