Has anyone’s marriage ended because they are or their partner didn’t want to be a parent full time?

[Rintyo1]

Maybe a bit of a taboo subject but my marriage ended last year very suddenly. My ex husband said it was because the relationship had run its course for him but I truly believe it was because he didn’t want to be a parent full time. We have young twins and they are challenging at times for sure. My husband in particularly struggled to adjust to our new life together and the sacrifices having young children meant to had to make (less time at his hobby, less time to himself, less money, less sleep). The break up came when they were just turned 1 and throughout the break up he made reference to this not being the life he wanted etc (despite years of fertility treatment) although he maintains that the main reason he left was because of our relationship breaking down.
Has anyone experienced this? I don’t imagine anyone would say outright they don’t want to have their children with them every day but I think people have maybe considered it? Young children are hard, no doubt.

I guess ending the relationship/marriage is a way to take a step back from their parenting role without saying outright that is what they want to do. My ex husband takes the twins 2 days a week now

Not sure but I do have a friend who has admitted it's nice only having her daughter half the time. But the split was definitely because the relationship had broken down.

I dont think its as Taboo as you imagine. There are even scientific journal publications dealing with the issue of regretting parenthood or motherhood in general. Sure, nobody's going to admit that to their spouse, but I know its not as uncommon a reason for the breakdown of a relationship as one might think.
Its also society putting everyone but mostly women under so much pressure to do it all and have it all and be perky and happy all the time. That is why many women feel they can't voice their disillusion or that they are unsatisfied with their role.

Its not the reason for the relationship breakdown but I definitely consider it a perk of divorce. I love being a 50% parent (of course I'm always a parent). It means I get some time to myself, to be me. I love my time away from them, to do what I want, it's peaceful.

Lots of marriages/relationships break down in the first year of having children - I have 9 month old twins - if these had been our first children (we have an older child) I doubt our marriage would have survived either. Lack of sleep, time, money etc breeds resentment very easily. I don't think it is taboo as such but I do think more fathers struggle than mothers just because in the first year they are a bit surplus to requirements as babies naturally rely on their mothers more at that age. Usually its the fathers who have to bear the financial burden of supporting the family too for what I imagine they see is little gain

I think this happens a lot but people don’t admit it as it’s not socially accepted to not want to be a full time parent.

I was a single parent and I loved it when my dd would spend summers and holidays with her father (he lived too far for weekly visits). But I’m a true introvert and love my time alone. I also didn’t enjoy loss of sleep and freedom of parenting but it’s possible that if I had a partner it would’ve been different but I doubt it lol

I had a friend that made me feel bad for feeling this way as she would spend 24/7 with her children if she could.

I’m sure I read somewhere that the happiest parents are separated parents who amicably co-parent. The parents having time to themselves must have something to do with it.

“I’m sure I read somewhere that the happiest parents are separated parents who amicably co-parent. The parents having time to themselves must have something to do with it.”

I think there’s something about having your own time and space that’s very sustaining which in turn allows you to be fully recharged when you are parenting. But I think that’s also because we kind of do parenting wrong here - we raise children in nuclear families where pretty much all the raising of the children falls to the parents. We’re really designed to live in sprawling extended families where there are grandparents, aunts and uncles on hand to share in raising children so no one person is carrying an excessive load.

I think my ex did this. I think more people do this more times than they admit.

It happened to a good friend of mine 2 days after their daughter turned 1. Out of nowhere he upped and left stating this was not the life he wanted anymore. It was devastating for everyone around to watch my friend collapse emotionally for a very long time. She's ok now and re married later on. Her ex husband never re married or have further children. My friend never had another child either.

I think it must be very difficult to struggle with infertility and then to get what you've always wanted and to realise it's so hard and maybe not the answer to all your problems.

Was your ex saying the relationship had run its course because of what having twins had don’t to you as a person? Or because of what having twins had done to him as a person?

I agree with the PP who said that parenting falling on JUST the parents is probably the root cause of lots of marriage breakdowns. Two FT jobs, two children, life in general - it’s too much for some people. It’s the natural consequence of life in the Western world (and beyond, frankly) becoming too expensive for a single earner, and of the steady march of capitalism and individualism. The children near the price mostly, but so do we adults. We’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment if we want a good relationship AND happy children AND a fulfilling career AND a healthy social life AND financial security at all times.

I’ve suggested it to my husband a few times whilst our DTs have been particularly challenging. Mainly as a joke, but at least once I think I was floating the idea out there 😳

We nearly split up a few times when they were babies as we were locked in a game of competitive tiredness and my life is harder than yours.

Nobody’s asked me irl before about it, but I don’t think I’d be ashamed to admit it’s crossed my mind before. It’s not that I don’t want to be a full time parent, it’s just it’s so relentless and there’s no time away especially before the free nursery hours (I’m a sahm because I earned way less than full time childcare for two) and I craved time away from them all!

I assumed this was the reason most men left where there were children involved. Given that eow is the standard arrangement for men, this fits.

My DC’s dad doesn’t even do EOW and half the holidays, despite taking me to court for it .
I did just yesterday come to the conclusion that this was because he never actually wanted to be a parent and invest properly in family time. He has got a girlfriend and no responsibility yet still able to call himself a father and enjoy time with DC, which is fine. DC is happy with the contact. I literally have no idea why he asked for something in court he had no intention of upholding, though. Just why?

Yep. My XH even moved to the US... he sees them 2 weeks out of 9.

And even during those weeks he plans activitoes away from the children, sometimes even whole weekends away.

We have 3 DC and DC1 was an accident. At the time of the break-up he kept referring to this saying he never planned this life... not sure why we then got married and actively tried for 2 more though...

My XH moved out when our twins were 16 months old.

Obviously he never said it outright but it was incredibly obvious to everyone that he just found being a parent too much like hard work.

@KatySun

My DC’s dad doesn’t even do EOW and half the holidays, despite taking me to court for it . I did just yesterday come to the conclusion that this was because he never actually wanted to be a parent and invest properly in family time. He has got a girlfriend and no responsibility yet still able to call himself a father and enjoy time with DC, which is fine. DC is happy with the contact. I literally have no idea why he asked for something in court he had no intention of upholding, though. Just why?

Because he can paint you as withholding the children,he would have looked bad if he didn't, power and control.

I hope you keep note of the contact he does actually have.

When ours were really small we were both frazzled and introduced a "time off" system where each of us got a full afternoon off from parenting every weekend. It was a lifesaver and meant I was much happier overall.

I read a thread on here where the OP said she had the same arrangement with her DH and everyone responded as though she was some kind of monster to not want to spend the entire weekend with everyone together having "family time"

Like a PP I have also jokingly suggested splitting up to my DH so that we could go 50/50 with the kids...

It was/is absolutely 100% about control. I kept meticulous notes to start with, it is now four years on since court. But you are right, I should update my notes. I sometimes think I should go back to court and say what is the point of this? Really? But I don’t have any money left and there would not be any point. It’s just completely bizarre.

I am not single but do think it would have it perks, I never ever get a break whereas with shared custody I would do. It sounds pretty good

As PP said, the first year of parenting is the hardest.

I did the lions share of the work within the home and parenting but I knew right away my ex husband was not happy being a parent. He always wanted to go out for dinners, date nights etc (more than once a week) and felt I was being such a happiness sucker if I said no because we had 2 tiny newborns to look after. He also wanted to continue his hobby plus pick up new ones and be out several evenings a week. He didn’t say outright that was why he was leaving but I have been with him for so long and know him so well that I know it was for an easier life. I would imagine some of the love for me was gone too if he could leave me that easily but I do think it was easier to say that he was leaving me rather than he didn’t want to be a dad full time. I did question him on that and he said that yes being a parent was a part of it for sure. But of course he would never fully admit that to anyone.

It’s honestly not something I ever thought about or considered for myself but, while I have now adjusted to my sons being away for 2 nights, it was something that really devastated me at the start.

I guess people tend to thing that-
*Marriage ends therefore I have less time with my children and more time to myself

Rather than
*I want less time as parent and more time to myself therefore my marriage has to end to achieve this

My ex limited himself to bouncing baby DS on his knee on a Sunday afternoon, and handing him back as soon as he started to dribble. I think he changed 4 nappies in the whole time.

He then reverted to his pre-baby life and refused to engage, leaving it up to me whether I stayed or left. I left, since I was effectively a single mum anyway, and not having to feed/organise ex as well was easier (and I was pretty fed up).

He didn't look after ds for a whole day until ds was 4 and could go to the loo on his own

I know 2 people with twins who's husbands have walked out on their marriages before the twins 2nd birthday;I also know many other women who's partners/husbands have cleared off when the kids are young because they decided they don't want the responsibility of the kids.

Funnily enough most of the EOW dads have new partners who get the pleasure of taking care of the step kids EOW.