Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't know I know his secret

41 replies

Haribo321123 · 09/10/2021 18:42

My boyfriend and I were talking on an intimate level for months and months before we started actually having sex and being involved on a relationship level. I'd that makes any sense. Our paths crossed as tricky times in our lives. He was 18 months out of his last relationship and was still sorter scared, grieving, got used to being alone. I had separated from my children's dad. It was like we really wanted eachother but we just couldn't seem to get it going. We still expressed love and feelings. Still talked everyday. Talked about what we wanted. Then he had a massive freak out and got scared. He ran away. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it.

Anyway for 4 months we pretty much cut eachother off. I spent all that time trying to understand and I missed him. He popped back in a couple of times but it was like his fears made him run. I gave up. But I kept peeking at his social media. I noticed a women had started love hearting his photos. I was suspicious. Went on her profile. She lives in another town. They had nothing in common. No friends in common. It didn't make sense. But I knew something wasn't right. When he got back in touch in May this year he kept me at a distance and I started to feel hurt and confused. Which resulted in me saying look what do you even want I've had enough. He shut down and said he had strong feelings for me but didn't know what to say. Later that day I saw this lady had liked his latest photo. So I got stressed and messaged her. I asked her if anything was going on between her and him. She said they were just friends but had a thing not long ago. I asked what thing? Explained I had been in his life for the last year but he had ran away. She said she was from tinder. They met a few times. Then he told her he couldn't have a relationship with her. He said he wasn't ready. She told me it was roughly April time they had this fling. She confirmed they had sex. Be never loved her. There was no talk of anything serious. I didn't say anything to him about knowing but told him I was sick of the situation and was done.

In July he turns up at My door. He's been to councilling. He finally opened up. He had been in touch with one of his dad's exes who had also helped him clear alot of baggage regarding his dad who had let him down alot. He admitted he had struggled massively to start with loosing his ex and he was so terrified when feelings came for me he just said to himself, he couldn't do it and ran. He said he wanted to tell me how much he loved me and wanted it to work but he needed time to sort himself and his support meant he now felt ready. He told me he's ready to put in 100% and he wants a relationship.

We have been together since July and everything is going great. But he's never told me about his tinder fling. She's still on his Facebook and they do like eachothers stuff. She's actually got engaged now. So she's moved on. I find it all abit strange that they have kept in touch.

Should I be worried and hurt he's hidden her from me. Or do you think he doesn't need to as we were off and technically it was nothing to do with me. I guess sometimes I'm hurt he has kept her on his Facebook if he wouldn't want me to know. What would you do?

OP posts:
Motnight · 09/10/2021 18:44

I think that this is a toxic relationship and you need to move on.

Yummypumpkin · 09/10/2021 18:46

I'd keep quiet as if I found an ex partner messaging people who had liked my posts demanding to know if we'd had sex I would leave immediately!!!

Let sleeping dogs lie.

MrsRobbieHart · 09/10/2021 18:47

It’s not a secret. He wasn’t with you. He doesn’t have to give you a breakdown of everyone he spoke to, dated and slept with.

MrsRobbieHart · 09/10/2021 18:48

And you sound obsessive. Messaging a woman who hearted his picture? Hmm he should run.

TheChip · 09/10/2021 18:48

Its not really a secret is it? You just went shopping when you had no place to. You weren't even together.
It doesn't matter if she is on his Facebook or not. You either trust him or you don't.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 09/10/2021 18:50

Yeah, I'd leave it alone. But tbh, doesn't sound like a fun relationship for you...

Lessthanaballpark · 09/10/2021 18:50

I would let it go. Humans aren’t perfect and if you think he loves you for real now then it really doesn’t matter

ImInStealthMode · 09/10/2021 18:51

@MrsRobbieHart

It’s not a secret. He wasn’t with you. He doesn’t have to give you a breakdown of everyone he spoke to, dated and slept with.

This. You weren't together, doesn't even sound like you were in touch. It's not your business, he has no obligation to tell you and ultimately you messaging her is a bigger red flag than anything he's done.

For reference though, I'm Facebook friends with a couple of guys I dated from Tinder, just because we weren't a good match doesn't mean their not nice guys. It's nice to see that they (like I) have now found someone.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/10/2021 18:51

Ime op, any relationship that starts with months of fake emotional intimacy before meeting in the flesh is doomed to fail.

If your relationship is divided into online = great, in person = crap, what does that tell you?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 18:52

Fucking hell, this is madness. Toxic and dysfunctional from top to bottom.

RantyAunty · 09/10/2021 18:55

The way you talk about him, was July the first time you met him in person?

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 18:55

It's not a secret. He told you he wasn't for a relationship. He told her the same thing. He had sex with her. They were both happy with that arrangement. You weren't together. There's no issue.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 09/10/2021 18:57

I don't think it is "his" secret - it's "your" secret - you are a stalker and he does not know that.

Tell him!

Raychelle · 09/10/2021 20:43

He might already know you know. If he’s still friends with this girl, she probably told him you messaged.

NotaCoolMum · 09/10/2021 21:00

I think you should both run away. From each other. All this drama isn’t normal in a healthy relationship. He’s hot and cold, and you sound slightly unhinged about him. You weren’t together so it was really none of your business who he was with.

Patriciathestripper1 · 09/10/2021 21:07

Dosnt really mean Anything. I have exes on my fb.., I think you lack trust if you are snooping and contacting people. He seems to have worked through his issues perhaps you need to work through yours?

hairybakers · 09/10/2021 21:14

I cannot believe you messaged his friend?! Forget this toxic relationship. He's just not that into you.

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 22:51

Yeah. This isn’t going to work out ever

user1493494961 · 09/10/2021 22:56

It all reads a bit 'Take a Break'.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/10/2021 22:58

It's nothing to do with you. I cannot actually believe that you messaged her. What a crazy thing to do!!

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 23:20

So he ditched you under the guise of not coping from his breakup.., but he was really having Sex with a random he met on Tinder.. He gets back in touch with you.. having 'healed' and you took him despite knowing he was off with someone else ... oh and this other lady is already engaged to someone else Confused

He's free to do as he wishes of course.. but to accept this slimeball back into your life... hell no.. I'd boot his shady arse to the Moon.... nobody needs this shady shit ..

lilmishap · 09/10/2021 23:28

I would be more worried that he would find out you messaged a woman wanting to know intimate details of their relationship when you were not together.
That's really creepy

IComeInPeace · 09/10/2021 23:29

So even though he knew you really well, and knew you were open to try a relationship with him, he was out there on tinder looking for something ''better'' or something else anyway.

Words are so cheap. It's so easy to say to somebody that he has all of these feelings but he never acted on them. Well, not til he'd done a lap of tinder and discovered that it's not as easy as he'd hoped.

During his voyage of discovery on tinder, he kept opening up to you, encouraging you to open up to him, he kept the relatonship in a potentially sexual romantic context while offering you no loyalty, commitment... just threw you breadcrumbs saying he had ''feelings''.

I think you've bought in to his narrative that he's too scared for a relationship. What does that mean. He had some sort of relationship with somebody on tinder while he was telling you that he was scared.

He used you as a friend at the VERY least. You were his emotional girlfriend why he saw what else was out there.

I'd get really turned off by his behavior. It's really shabby.

hellothere007 · 09/10/2021 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

lilmishap · 09/10/2021 23:31

@QueenBee52

So he ditched you under the guise of not coping from his breakup.., but he was really having Sex with a random he met on Tinder.. He gets back in touch with you.. having 'healed' and you took him despite knowing he was off with someone else ... oh and this other lady is already engaged to someone else Confused

He's free to do as he wishes of course.. but to accept this slimeball back into your life... hell no.. I'd boot his shady arse to the Moon.... nobody needs this shady shit ..

Tinder woman sounds like a typical rebound shag. If he was genuine about OP then keeping his distance until he was over the ex and had a rebound shag under his belt sounds like normal.

Most of us don't include rebound shags in our relationship history because they aren't part of it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread