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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil is my ds childminder and she thinks she has all rights on him!!help!!!

54 replies

holidayneeded · 08/12/2007 14:23

She sometimes looks after ds as i go to work 2/3 days'week... she is a real control freak...and does not respect my wishes. For example, when i say do not cut his hair too short, she will do it as short as she can as she claims that ds will eat better this way....she tells me what to cook for him and thinks her cooking is better than mine, tells me how not to dress him up( at 18 month he should stilll wear a one piece suit)...whenever i mention anything she does as if she knows better and always disagree with me...always mentions how skinny my son is and that if he put on 1 or 2kgs, he will be better...and seems to think that i do not feed him as well enough...that and a lot more drives me crazy as i do not seem get any respect but i rely on her...i am seriously thinking of changing him to nursery but i do not trust them...i am stuck....
am i being unreasonable? i need advise please...
btw, dp fed up with it and does not seem to support me...

OP posts:
denbury · 08/12/2007 15:30

send your child to different child care. report your feeleings to ofsted(i take it she is ofsted approved?)

Original poster
holidayneeded · 08/12/2007 15:57

thank you all
i will try to visit nurseries nearby and get things sorted

OP posts:
DoesntChristmasDragOn · 08/12/2007 16:00

"i read that a boy should not be left in nurseries befor 3 years old as it will affect their confidence and make them feel abandoned"

Utter nonsense.

MsPontipine · 08/12/2007 16:00

You poor thing!! He is your son. You call the shots. However difficult it made things I would refuse to let my ds (now 5) be cared for by anyone who didn't follow my rules whether they agreed with them or not - which is the view you appear to apply to nurseries and childminders so why not family?? With children it is up to parents to raise them in the way they believe is the best. Yes listen to outside views, advice, opinions of family, friends, books etc but it is up to you to weigh all this up and decide what's best to apply to your circumstances. Everyone's an expert in this life - and they rarely are!! Health visitors, doctors etc excluded from this statement!! A good nursery or childminder will listen and do their best to accomodate your needs. Your ds could always take a pack up. Ask around - other mothers etc and visit a few places - trust your mother's instinct on the "feel" of a place. For many children joining nursery or going to childminders is the best ever. They have plenty of company and so much more fun, entertainment, education and stimulation than at home. The crying when being left is usual but rarely lasts. I've seen children crying their eyes out when it's home time!! This is only my opinion but obviously you are concerned about whether the current situation is best for your ds.
TBTH your mil does sound very maniplulative and controlling. Not good for you or your ds.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 08/12/2007 16:02

DD has just started at nursery (she's 22 months) and it's a new one opened by the one DSs went to. A couple of the staff are there from the one DSs went to and they remember them well, I was amazed given that DSs are now nearly 9 and 7! It really cemented my view that it was a Good Nursey

Definitely worth looking because the good ones are out there. Unfortunately, the only ones you usually hear about are the bad ones.

QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide · 08/12/2007 16:06

250g is what is calculated that an ADULT should have in a dinner. It is after all 1/4 of a kilo!

RubySlippers · 08/12/2007 16:26

Holidayneeded - i wasn't angry at you, but rather the statement itself

i really hope you get things sorted and you will all be a lot happier

Sidge · 08/12/2007 16:52

I'm glad there is nothing serious causing his vomiting. From what you've said it sounds like he is just a small eater - 250g is a lot of food, and toddlers are actually good at self-regulating, so they can eat loads some days and very little on others.

I would just offer food that he can feed himself, and not too much. You can always offer more if needed.

And I would ditch the MIL and find a nice nursery

booge · 08/12/2007 17:03

DS started nursery at 2 and has always loved going, I've no regrets.

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 08/12/2007 17:10

Your mil is totally barking - good luck finding a nursery. He is your child - and you DO know what is best for both of you.

resigned · 08/12/2007 17:52

holidayneeded - sorry to buck against the trend but I would suggest some kind of half-way house or compromise.

I say this with some understanding of the problem because I have a childless sister who is very interfering, making me feel bad about my mothering skills, even sending me emails with childcare advice. She does it because she cares but it drives me nuts and we argue a lot. She makes me feel like dd is her child and I am the nanny.

If it were me, I would first of all have a stern talk with your dp, explaining to him that this is a serious problem, making your life miserable, and he needs to support you instead of sitting on the fence and having an easy life.

Then I would go with your dp to see your MIL and have a stern chat with her, explaining that if she does not stop undermining you and going against your wishes, with regard to the care of your son, then you will need to make alternative arrangements for his childcare.

Explain that you are very grateful for her help and you know she means well and does it is because she cares. That her opinion and experience do count for a lot but, at the end of the day, you are his mother (she's had her turn with dp) and what you say goes.

I know this is difficult but I had to have a show-down like this with my sister. She can't help getting anxious about dd, because she cares so much about her, as your MIL cares for your son, but you/I are/am the mother and our wishes must be respected. !!!!!!!! If your MIL is like my sister she believes that because she helps, she has a say. This is certainly true but you/I have the deciding vote.

I would also, without cancelling the MIL arrangement altogether, arrange for ds to attend nursery a few hours a week to start off with (perhaps she could take him?), with a view to increasing to 1 or 2 half or full days a week over time (finances and logistics allowing). This is because it will allow him to socialise more and to take advantage of the other opportunities that nursery provides. Explain this to MIL and that it is not because you want her to stop looking after him altogether but that you know it is hard work for her and you want to broaden his horizons a bit. If he takes well to nursery, it gives you more options for his childcare and makes you less dependent on your MIL, gives her less power and you more.

Sorry to ramble and be opinionated but I hope you can get the gist of what I am saying. Hopefully she won't blow a gasket and refuse to look after him at all (she is probably very attached to him so I doubt this will happen) but if she does that will make your decision and he will be better off at nursery.

resigned · 08/12/2007 17:54

I'm sure your ds is attached to his grandma as well and would still want to see a lot of her and his cousins.

allgonebellyup · 08/12/2007 18:00

What about a childminder?

You dont have to go down the nursery route, but you really cant leave your son with your mil any more!!

paulaplumpbottom · 08/12/2007 18:03

Unfortunatly you have two choices, send him to nursery or tolerate MIL. She is doing you a huge favor.She smile and put up with it. You don't have to do what she says. Take him to get his hair cut on the weekends

wooga · 08/12/2007 18:09

Do you have friends/mums who can give you (up-to-date) recommendations of good childminders and nurseries in your area?
My local nursery-unluckily-is rubbish, but I had 2 fantastic childminders who cared for my dd - she had a great time with them and they would never have done anything they thought I wouldn't agree with.
They always let me know the plans for the week and one cm even kept a little diary/communications book for me to see, listing food eaten,nappy changes and what dd did that day- in her bag!

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 08/12/2007 18:14

If you don't like the idea of a nusery try a childminder, that's what I would prefer.

Original poster
holidayneeded · 08/12/2007 18:54

my friend's sons go to a local nursery which is very good but i hope there is some space. thank u all for ur advice...resigned, i understand where u'r coming from but my dp would never ever do what u said he should do... he is not the kind of man who would look for conflict especally with his mum...not saying he is a mummy boy but he has tried many times to stand up to her and it has never changed...same as me...whenever i say something, she completely ignores it or contracdicts me...i cannot stand her anymore...but will probably sort out the nursery first and wait until her other daughter who is currently on maternity leaves goes back to work and leaves her dd to her so i can use the excuse that it is to relieve mil....it will take about 5 months but i probably need that time to have ds settle at nursery and will probably be on the waiting list...

OP posts:
Original poster
holidayneeded · 08/12/2007 18:55

i have thought of childminder but actually prefers the idea of ds having lots of entetainment and that it is ofsted regulated unlike mil!!!

OP posts:
NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 08/12/2007 19:08

So your mil is going to have you sil's dd as well as your ds and cousins? That sounds like a lot of children to me - would definately move on......

skyatnight · 08/12/2007 19:11

I understand what you are saying hn. Some situations are just impossible to sort out and not worth the hassle. Sounds like you have a good plan there about easing him into nursery and without MIL taking offence.

coldtits · 08/12/2007 19:15

Childminders are ofsted regulated. but I understand your preference for a nursery

gingerninja · 08/12/2007 19:49

My DD is actually more confident since starting nursery. She's had to learn to trust other people and be without me which is a massive confidence boost. It is tough leaving them and yes they do take a few weeks to settle in but he'll be fine after a while, make lots of new friends and be in an environment that is tried and tested.

Also, sounds like you're both getting a big hung up about the food. Just give him finger foods and he'll take what he needs. My DD has days where she eats next to nothing but then other days where she'll eat the contents of the fridge. If you make it an issue you'll have no end of trouble. At nursery they'll be encouraging but they won't pressure him but I bet he'll start eating better when the pressure is off anyway.

Good luck

minouminou · 08/12/2007 20:56

yep....find an alternative
i decided to carry on using professional childcare rather than family after we've moved because, like coldtits said earlier, they smile, nod, and do as they're bloody told
there's probably no point trying to reason with your MIL, so remove her power (as it were).
fWIW, DS has been at his nursery for 8 months now, and he LOVES, LOVES, LOVES it.
He learns new and different things all the time - stuff that I haven't taught him - as he sees lots of different people, is "learning" portuguese, as he has a brazilian and a portuguese carer, as well as all his other "fancywomen" as we call them.
He gets really excited when he gets there, has a whale of a time with his chums, and then is pleased to see me when i pick him up.
It's a win-win situation.
I have no concerns about his confidence or his development, and can't recommend nurseries highly enough (not that there's anything wrong with nannies or CMs).
also, your MIL needs to develop a few wider interests, methinks, as she's probably centreing her life around him
hope it works out

inthegutter · 08/12/2007 22:10

I can't understand how you've held out this long when you're clearly very unhappy with many aspects of your son's care. If this were a nursery or CM you had issues with, you'd have made other arrangements by now! It just goes to show what a minefield trying to mix the family/childcare thing can be. Much easier to find a good nursery or CM, and have things on a professional basis. I would imagine your ds might also have a much better time interacting with other children - can't be a barrel of fun being looked after by domineering grandmother who gives enforced haircuts!

Elkat · 10/12/2007 21:45

I agree with the majority that you do need to find alternative arrangements. I used family to initially look after my DD - I used my mum and my MIL. Whilst my mum has been fab and she totally respects the way I'm bringing up my child, I didn't have that confidence in my MIL and so put her in a nursery instead. That was the best decision for us. I think it would help your relationship with your MIL when she is downgraded from second carer to just visiting relation, you will regain the control that you seem to be so desperately lacking. But secondly, you might well find that it helps with your child's eating problems. At 18 months, he should be eating normal food - and nurseries are so used to dealing with such problems and will be able to help you get back on track without piling on the pressure. As the others have said, you will find that they are totally different in a nursery environment. I have witnessed my child ravish food at nursery that she has point blank refused to touch at home!

If you are not happy with a nursery then look for a childminder. My youngest currently goes to a childminder and she is great with the girls. In my experience many of them tend to be ex nursery workers with their own children anyway - if you look around you can find one with the qualifications that might give you a sense of ease about the whole situation.

HTH