Anyone else who's mother doesn't give a shit about them?

[CheeseTwists]

Feeling a little down in the dumps today as I approach my due date and face the fact I can't call on my mum for support, either practical or emotional.

She has her own issues but is overall disinterested in me unless she wants something. I've never felt loved or looked after even as a child which contributed to me having low self esteem and issues with relationships.

Other family members make excuses for her, but it's not them she has damaged.

Part of me will always be that child crying out for a mothers love and I feel pathetic for it.

Solidarity anybody?

Yep. The good news here is that, if you're anything like me, you will instinctively shower your child with love and affection.

My children were around 10 when I realised how very little my M actually cared or gave a shit. Somehow prior to that, without understanding why, I had automatically overcompensated with my own children.

Keep telling yourself you are not to blame for this. EVERY child deserves a mother who thinks that they are the centre of the universe.

Ultimately it is her loss, not yours. Enjoy your baby 💐

Me too.
It’s tough when you realise they’re not really that bothered about you and you may find that having your own child amplifies feelings of anger about this that you may have repressed. However, as a pp stated, you know how important that feeling of being loved is and your child will not have the same experience.
Enjoy your new baby

Yes, same here. She never remembers anything about me, big or small, and it just screams "I don't care".

Mine
Never did
I'm now 50 and severed all contact about 25 years ago
She was horrible

Yep! Been NC with mine for over 10 years and haven't seen her for that long either. Haven't had her support with either DC. Every 4 years or so she makes herself known and reminds me why the relationship never worked.

Never in my life have I ever come across another human so selfish, hateful and nasty. I see her as my biggest lesson. She taught me how not to be a parent.

Sometimes I crave that mother daughter relationship I hear and see others have, but ultimately you can't miss what you've never had.

My dm was pleasant when I conformed to her thinking...
She was pleasant to my dc when young enough to manipulate...
Went nc when she tried to give me parenting instructions... And when she started whispering in corners with dc and asking them to keep secrets from me then I knew nc was the only option..
Sadly awful dm's make bloody awful dgm's.. Ime

I'm sorry you can all relate, it's crap isn't it?

This isn't my first baby so should come as no surprise to me that I can't lean on her for support, I should have known better and so only have myself to blame for expecting anything more than nothing really.

you may find that having your own child amplifies feelings of anger about this that you may have repressed

Oh absolutely that has been the case. It's hard to fathom how somebody can lack basic maternal instinct once you experience it yourself isn't it?

Do any of you have a solid support network? I only have my DP. If I had a wider family i think that would lessen the pain somewhat.

Me.

I understand that it’s hard. My first child was a DS and I don’t remember struggling so much back then.

But I found out, during my next pregnancy, that I was having a girl, it really hit me. I sat alone and cried for hours as I was so scared of being the same type of mother as mine had been. I thought that I didn’t want a girl for that reason!

I’m not that mother. My children are seen and heard and liked and loved and supported by me, even in their most challenging moments, and they are my absolute priority in life.

They also give so much back and I’m often surprised by just how much they love and like me - they are so thoughtful and if I’m feeling unwell, for example, they are right there bedside making me get well cards and offering me snacks and drinks, or bringing me teddies for company

I still feel guilty sometimes that I don’t like my DM that much - even as a child I would find other mother figures to try and attach myself too - but, actually, that is and was because of her behaviour. My children treat me in such a loving way because they are replicating what they have received from me.

I don’t dislike her and we have a polite relationship these days but I have finally accepted that I will never have that “mother who has got your back/who is always there for you” relationship that I hear others speak of.

I can be that mother though for my own children

Wishing you lots of luck

Yes. We did used to have a good relationship, however I do look back and see how she treated the men in her life was pretty awful and I was/am still constantly trying to make her enjoy my company. I think she always needed an adversary, that was usually my dad, her dad, her boss, her boyfriend. Well, now it is me. She is definitely loosing her memory but she only accuses me or my husband of stealing from her or wanting to attack her, never anyone else. When she calls me she will only moan about something until I say ok I will sort it out, then she makes the act of sorting it out impossible. I could never rely on her for sympathy, I wouldn’t talk to her about my problems now, especially health problems because she just seems to enjoy hearing about them, all the while having the means to help me but never offering. If the roles where reversed I would of ordered help her, and I have done with my time in the past but have been rewarded with lies and abuse.

I hate my mother. She was cold and cruel to me. Having kids prompted me to cut ties with my parents permanently.

Yep haven’t heard from mine in about 5 years now.

Me but mine has also turned my own son against me as well.

How are you doing with the pregnancy?

How close to due is due?

You must be getting excited to meet your new baby?

I was in the same boat although she died last year and I was NC for the last 6 years of her life.

Total narc, only interested in herself, not me or my brother. Very negative and critical. Didn’t talk to me for the majority of my pregnancy as she disapproved. Never was able to have a normal mother/daughter conversation with her.

I did reach a point where I stopped seeking her approval as I realised it was never going to happen.

for all of you, nobody deserves to feel unloved or unwanted by a parent.

I hope this doesn't come across badly, but I love seeing things like "we are NC" or "I haven't spoken to mine in (however many) years" because it shows me that it is possible and obtainable to put them in the past and move forward.

Did you find it hard making that break?

I really struggle to implement NC for more than a couple of months, then it's me making contact and trying to foster a relationship (which I know will never exist)

She does a cracking job at playing the victim so has the rest of the family, as little as there is, wrapped around her finger.

I'm in my 9th month of pregnancy, I have an elective section scheduled for 26th of the month but could drop any time from now really. I'm 37 weeks.

Naively, and stupidly, I was hoping 'D'M may act as childcare for me so I don't need to deliver on my own and could have DP with me. I had a traumatic previous birth and I'm quite scared of something going wrong again. My post today was prompted by the realisation that she's blocked my number, again, so I've had to rule her out which I always knew would be the case deep down. Blind hope eh

My dm was enraged I allowed my df to be a dgf as he had been such a rubbish df...
My choice although he ended up walking away just like he had when I was small.
She was no better... But it was my choice to make not hers... She couldn't accept that and gave me digs regularly..

She does a cracking job at playing the victim so has the rest of the family, as little as there is, wrapped around her finger
It is a major part of the narc skillset.

I know that it is hard but don't allow her to ruin this special time for you.

It sounds like she would not be supportive and you should be concentrating on yourself and your baby now.

Is your existing child a boy or girl and how old are they?

Is there anyone else who could babysit for your older child (sorry)?

Whereabouts in the country do you live as perhaps someone else might have ideas of what you could do?

I only have one son so I have never been in this situation but I must admit there must be an answer that I just can't think of.

Neither me or dh see our dps. Our dc have no other family except us..

I hear you OP. It hit home after I gave birth, my friend and I were swapping stories and she said “did you just want your mum like I did” I replied with no, she’d panic and leave me on my own like she always did…

It’s harder as well as she’s very emotionally unattached to me yet to my sister they share secrets and swap stories and leave me out be grateful for the fact you realise this now OP and be the mum your mum never was

Same. I haven't had contact with mine for nearly a decade.

3 years ago, when my son was 19/20, we were sitting in the garden talking about a few things that were going on for him and I was giving him guidance and reflections from own experiencesnin similar situations. At the end, he stood up, hugged me and thanked me for always intending to him. He said he knew he'd always he able to come to me for anything.

After that I had a bit of a cascade of realisations -

I wouldn't have been able to speak toy at 19/20 about personal problems.

If I had, she would have had no interest is supporting or guiding me.

She'd actually never given support or guidance on anything emotional.

She'd actually actively made things worse in some occasions.

Actually, I'd never been 'parented' by her whatsoever.

I'd been brought up, taught right from wrong, provided for but there was a complete absence of anything on an emotional level.
And she deliberately made difficult situations worse.

It wasn't until I became a mum that it fully hit me how little my own mum cared about me.

I don't know how she could do it. I love my 3 dc so much, they come first in my life. How could they not? It's true I've never had anything in common with my dm, she loved sport I don't, she hated shopping and clothes and I don't.

It also hit me when I was a teen and saw how other friends were so close to their mums! They listened to them and they cared! I was jealous.

My mum didn't even feed me properly, I was hungry slightly a the time but she always made very small meals during my childhood , as her own appetite was low ( it suited her, not growing teens!)

It has affected how much I trust anyone, and think I feel un-lovable even now in late forties.

She was very unsympathetic when I had a miscarriage and any bad times I had generally. But when she got elderly she then once or twice called me her 'best girl' and wanted affection from me... which seemed unfair, so late. And only because she felt weak I think.

I do feel a bit sorry for her as she never had a proper bond with me and was not capable of being loving to me.

It has made me more scared of being a mum as my kids get older. But I am very different to her so that gives me hope.

My mother was horrendous too.
I remember from a very young age and wanting someone else to be my mother, a caring teacher etc. I felt terrible for even thinking like this and whenever I voiced it I used to get my dad making me feel guilty for it.
I'd anyone needs to know, the author Peg Streep is very good for soothing this.

Yup, me too. And I'll echo what other posters have said, before you have kids you might have come to terms with most of the neglect you suffered, but then suddenly you have this amazing little person in your life, and you just want to make their life even better in every way you can, steer them safely through life's obstacles, help them develop their natural gifts, enjoy the same things that bring you joy. And then it hits you like a punch to the gut when you realise that your mother apparently didn't feel that way about you, or if she did, managed to ignore it because she had 'better' things to do.

I have tolerated my mum for years, but recently I was a bit tired and didn't have my armour on properly, and accidentally told her how stressful I find her visits, and how I need a week to recover afterwards. She was apparently devastated and had no idea that we didn't have a wonderful loving relationship. Really?! HOW?!?!

She set us up with a therapist to work through this, which I agreed to as I thought it might be nice not to feel like I'm being crushed by a python whenever I'm around her. But the therapist's advice was basically "Well, there might have been issues in the past, but your mum says she loves you and you can't change what happened before, so to try to get over it!". Again I'll say it.... Really?! HOW?!?!

Like the others I have had the same issues - thinking back to when I was eleven years old and my parents split up, my mother has had bouts of manic depression on and off ever since so I had to learn not to rely on her.
I tried to forgive and forget through the many manic depressive cycles for many years (a few decades!) but realised after I had just had my dc and was left with an injured large animal to care for (due to my mothers negligence) and a months old baby, that my mother was making my life harder not easier.
while families and relationships have their ups and downs your mother should be there overall to help you, and my mother had never done that - I was the one always propping her up, helping her and fixing her issues.
Why should I put up with that abs have a more difficult life - so I just stopped. Easier for me. Her issue to resolve. Still not spoken to her 1.5 years later and am much better for it!
I'm sure you can have an easier life too OP x

Yep! Similar! My mum is a narcissist who only has eyes for my sibling. I'd never see her again but that would mean not seeing my dad.

Having kids can stir up a lot of these feelings. Acknowledge them because although it's painful it can be an opportunity to heal.

You will adore your baby and you can use this experience to give what you never had. I think my mum is very damaged and not capable of a lot of feeling. I've not forgiven as such but have let go of a lot of it.

Counselling might be helpful at some point.

Yes. She's an awful mother, and an awful grandmother to my nieces and nephews.

I can't count on her, yet she's always crying to me about something and wanting me to sort her life. Despite this, shamefully, I can't go NC. I've worked bloody hard to be absolutely nothing like her and to stand on my own 2 feet though.