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Original poster

Talking to DH about lack of intimacy

43 replies

lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:06

Looking for advice on how to broach the subject with my DH about our lack of intimacy.

It's been over 3 yrs since we last had sex, and we're rarely intimate or affectionate with each other (different ends of the sofa to watch tv or different rooms) It's getting me down and I'm wondering how to even start the conversation with him as I know I need to. Part of me is worried about what the answer will be (that or it'll be my fault for working too much or not showing him affection).

I just wanted to feel loved - sad as that sounds. We've been together over 20 years and have 3 kids both early 40s and just feels like it's coming to a crux now, well for me anyway.

Does anyone have tips on where to start?!

OP posts:
Rummikubfan · 08/10/2021 23:13

I can only sympathise. My husband and I had a platonic relationship for many years: in all other ways we had a “perfect” marriage but when I ever tried to discuss it with him he said I was putting him under pressure.

I can’t tell you the outcome because unfortunately he was very ill and died a few years ago. I can tell you though that whilst I loved him, whar I know now I wouldn’t have stayed: it wouldn’t have got better.

I had a short relationship where I discovered that sex is still fun and a massive part of a relationship: I have a DP now and Sex is a key part of our relationship and our connection: I wouldn’t go back to a sexless relationship

That’s probably not much help but I do understand your concerns

TheFoundations · 08/10/2021 23:21

Probably not what you want to hear, but if you're having to post to strangers online about how to approach an intimate issue in your most intimate relationship, then that relationship is beyond repair, intimacy-wise.

You don't feel loved, and you don't feel you can open a conversation with him about it; what are you getting out of this relationship, emotionally, these days?

Original poster
lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:22

@Rummikubfan

I can only sympathise. My husband and I had a platonic relationship for many years: in all other ways we had a “perfect” marriage but when I ever tried to discuss it with him he said I was putting him under pressure.

I can’t tell you the outcome because unfortunately he was very ill and died a few years ago. I can tell you though that whilst I loved him, whar I know now I wouldn’t have stayed: it wouldn’t have got better.

I had a short relationship where I discovered that sex is still fun and a massive part of a relationship: I have a DP now and Sex is a key part of our relationship and our connection: I wouldn’t go back to a sexless relationship

That’s probably not much help but I do understand your concerns

Sorry to hear about your husband @Rummikubfan. I'm pleased you have found happiness in your new relationship though.

It's exactly what you said it's the connection it's just completely missing we might as well just be flatmates and that's not what I want or signed up for.

I've been to a therapy session earlier this week (he doesn't know) because it was becoming too much for me and the mental load is grinding me down. I know I need to give it a fighting chance just not sure where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:24

@TheFoundations

Probably not what you want to hear, but if you're having to post to strangers online about how to approach an intimate issue in your most intimate relationship, then that relationship is beyond repair, intimacy-wise.

You don't feel loved, and you don't feel you can open a conversation with him about it; what are you getting out of this relationship, emotionally, these days?

Thanks for your honesty @TheFoundations. I'm questioning the same myself in terms of what I'm getting out of it.
OP posts:
TheFoundations · 08/10/2021 23:31

Not much, then, is thee answer. And I'd guess that something in you is ready to let go, because you didn't jump in with 'Oh but he's such a great dad' or 'He's so helpful on a practical level...'

In fact, I think you're posting here because you want to leave him but you feel you need external validation.

Apologies if I'm wide of the mark.

Am I?

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 08/10/2021 23:32

I don't want to sound harsh but I'm not sure I'd hold out too much hope of resuming a sex life with this man after three years of celibacy. Your relationship in general sounds lacking, no affection, watching TV in separate rooms etc. Do you feel that he loves you? I'd certainly encourage you starting the conversation, even if just to get him to say outright that he doesn't have the same hopes as you with regards to resuming a sex life together. You're a young woman and deserve a more fulfilling relationship than this.

In practical terms, I find the best way to start an awkward conversation is when walking beside someone, that way you can avoid the intensity of eye contact. Suggest a walk this weekend and then bite the bullet and say what you need to say?

Lana07 · 08/10/2021 23:34

I always discuss everything freely with my husband.

I have a diary where I can see our intimate activity and if it slips a bit or stays on track:). He knows about it and it makes him laugh.

I would just say in 2 weeks or 1 month: 'My Lovely, we need to reconnect as a couple and make time for each other.' Depending on how tired he is he does it the same day I mention it or within a week or 2.

There could be different reasons it's not happening regularly:

  1. there is someone else

  2. not very good health/low testosterone levels. As we know this hormone reduces with age and everyone is different when it might start.

  3. too tired, too busy with work and other tasks, doesn't get enough sleep very often

  4. too many arguments can put it off

  5. other worries and life stresses (finances, possible job loss, bereavement)

GreenClock · 08/10/2021 23:35

I sympathise OP. I understand why you’re fearful of asking.

The worry is that his answer will be noncommittal rather than something specific you can work on. I’ve seen posts on here (and heard stories IRL) where men have said that they’ve just gone off it but can’t articulate why and the wife has done nothing amiss. Unhelpful!

It’s unlikely to be an affair because these often have the opposite effect on libido.

I hope he’ll be able to explain.

TheFoundations · 08/10/2021 23:35

@Lana07

I always discuss everything freely with my husband

Read the room.

19Bears · 08/10/2021 23:40

If you want to get back on track with him @lostinnewmalden then you will have to talk. The walking without direct eye contact is a really good idea. But if you've passed that point and you actually want to leave the relationship, I'm not sure it's helpful to bring up the lack of intimacy. I made this mistake - I brought it up, and he assumed I meant that I wanted to get things going again, which is 100% not what I want. So I had to then explain that I never wanted to have sex with him again, but that I did want that in my life. It led to a lot of hurt and him calling me selfish etc, and I wish I had just been straight and said I don't love you anymore and I think we need to separate. Which is it for you?

VenusTiger · 08/10/2021 23:41

How do you feel about where you've both got to in terms of no intimacy OP? Do you blame him? Do you think he'll blame you?
How do you used to be? was it always initiated by him/you? Do you still go to bed together and sleep in the same bed?

I think if you're blaming him, you need to consider that it's perhaps 50:50 and that he might be feeling the same as you - just tell him you want to talk about the lack of intimacy and sex and explore the reasons, on both sides, as to why it's now non-existent and see if you can both talk about the reasons without either of you blaming the other.

Original poster
lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:44

@TheFoundations

Not much, then, is thee answer. And I'd guess that something in you is ready to let go, because you didn't jump in with 'Oh but he's such a great dad' or 'He's so helpful on a practical level...'

In fact, I think you're posting here because you want to leave him but you feel you need external validation.

Apologies if I'm wide of the mark.

Am I?

Definitely not looking for validation in any way. Leaving hasn't actually crossed my mind and would be the absolute last thing I would want to do.

DH is an amazing father and partner who is very hands on and I couldn't live without him, but emotionally and physically I'm looking for and needing more.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:45

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches good suggestion with the walk and walking side by side thank you.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 08/10/2021 23:46

I found that after many years together, I was much in the same situation as you. Different chairs to watch tv, no hugs or kisses, no fun, no sex. I found that after a while I didn't want those things with him anyway, so end of relationship.

JustAnother0ldMan · 08/10/2021 23:47

Do you think you still love your husband
Do you the thing he still loves you

You say you sit on separate ends of the sofa, what would happen if you sat next to him, how would that make you feel

The walk sounds like a good idea, no confrontation just openness

ElspethFlashman · 08/10/2021 23:48

Tbh after 3 years, you'd need counselling to regain any intimacy.

3 years is not a normal dry spell.

PearLime · 08/10/2021 23:48

What has stopped you talking to him about it already?

Three years and your said nothing!

I think most people say what they feel in a relationship. I mean there are nice, sensitive ways to talk to someone but you should be able to be honest with a partner!

Original poster
lostinnewmalden · 08/10/2021 23:49

Thanks @VenusTiger I think it's a case of drifting apart since the kids arrived definitely not wanting to get into a blame game situation.

I know we need to make time to talk it through and work out the reasons why and see if he's feeling the same.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 08/10/2021 23:52

Three years??!! Crikey, OP. And you are only thinking about discussing it now?
What has been happening during those three years? Have you suggested sex and been rebuffed? Has there been not a single affectionate hug, or a goodnight kiss? How did you get from a presumably happy, sexually active relationship to this?
And more importantly, where do you want to go from here? Would you like this marriage to be resuscitated, or do you want out? Do you fear that your DH has already checked out, and is waiting for you to realise and start divorcing him?

19Bears · 09/10/2021 00:10

It drifts so easily @Babdoc 10 years here. Nothing at all. But it gets to a point where it's too hard to talk about and in your silent minds your both blaming each other, and neither wants to bring it up....

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 00:21

@19Bears

It drifts easily if you're very passive with regard to the health of your relationship.

How would you even know what the other person is thinking, if you can't even bring it up in conversation? If you're not intimate enough to discuss it, you're not intimate to speak each others' minds, surely?

SnakeRabbitMouse · 09/10/2021 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnakeRabbitMouse · 09/10/2021 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sospspsp · 09/10/2021 12:09

IMHO a sexless marriage is a dead marriage (I've been there).
It's difficult and painful, but only you as a couple can make the decision that this is how you are going to live

Pky45 · 09/10/2021 13:31

@SnakeRabbitMouse
That sounds like a difficult conversation to have, can I please ask how you went about it I’m in the same position with my partner and unsure how to begin the conversation
TIA