Talking to DH about lack of intimacy

[lostinnewmalden]

Looking for advice on how to broach the subject with my DH about our lack of intimacy.

It's been over 3 yrs since we last had sex, and we're rarely intimate or affectionate with each other (different ends of the sofa to watch tv or different rooms) It's getting me down and I'm wondering how to even start the conversation with him as I know I need to. Part of me is worried about what the answer will be (that or it'll be my fault for working too much or not showing him affection).

I just wanted to feel loved - sad as that sounds. We've been together over 20 years and have 3 kids both early 40s and just feels like it's coming to a crux now, well for me anyway.

Does anyone have tips on where to start?!

Op how about starting the discussion with "I miss having sex with you"?

You are parents with children so obviously you've had sex, this shouldn't be unspeakable!

No advice sorry but just to say I am in exactly the same situation. Only difference maybe is that he always kisses me goodbye and says he loves me. Other than that we sit on different sofas etc. It's hard and soul destroying and I'm still trying to work out in my head how to deal with it

@19Bears, @Pky45 & @hanketypankety sorry to hear you're in similar positions sending lots of positive energy and strength to move forward in your relationships.

@SnakeRabbitMouse thank you so much for your advice, it sounds very similar in that I don’t think he’s having an affair and we (evidently!) both bury our heads in the sand. Life has just got in the way which I know is a feeble excuse. Thanks for the tips and giving me the strength to have a chat with him

Thanks to everyone else for their thoughts and comments too ☺️

@lostinnewmalden
Thanks for the mention, I’m a man BTW (not that it matters ), but we sit on different sofas, she’s on her phone all the time, no kissing, no hand holding, sex about twice in the last 3 years, no fun, no dates, she just wants to watch the telly and eat crap.

It’s pretty bloody demoralising, can’t believe it’s got this bad, I’m considering leaving but cannot afford another place on my wages, it takes both of us to afford this place, can’t do another 20 years like this it’s so bloody miserable, it’s killing me,
How do I raise this with my wife ?

I think loads of people on here have so much restraint and also they care a lot about their partners feelings being hurt.

I guess this is good and bad- good because it's kind and considerate and bad because they're not getting their needs met.

How you haven't yelled "WHY WONT YOU SHAG ME!!!" At the top of your lungs is absolutely beyond me!

I'm not say do that, it's not constructive at all! Just saying I know that's how it would come out for me!

I haven't been in the situation but are you close enough that you just sit down and say it straight to him? You don't want a sexless marriage and you want to be close again.

It is a difficult conversation to have @lostinnewmalden and that’s because you are thinking about his response. I think many people find themselves in a situation like yours and it’s almost easier to let the intimacy drift out of the relationship, as it takes work to maintain it.
If you speak to relationship counsellors they will often say that a lack of intimacy is a symptom of something else in the relationship.
I have been in your situation and at the start of lockdown I had the time to really think about how we had got into that position & what did I want to do about it. For us the intimacy disappeared as we were dealing with a long term health condition, plus a child with ASD. Those things on top of full time jobs as key workers & travelling for work meant that we let the closeness completely fizzle out. I tentatively spoke to my DH and said since being at home together in lockdown, I felt closer to him & I still fancied him. I explained I wanted for us to be intimate & to have sex again if he felt the same. I said if he didn’t want to, then I understood as it had been a long time since we had DTD. Fortunately, for me & our relationship, he was keen to try & I can honestly say lockdown has been the making of our relationship! We now make sure that we make the effort by doing those little things that create intimacy on a daily basis: hugging, kissing, sending messages to each other when at work to say we can’t wait to get home. One of our biggest challenges has been being able to have sex during lockdown as we have a teenager at home who has very keen hearing 😆 My DH jokes that he never expected to have a sex life again and yet I’m wearing him out by frequently joking or talking about us having sex. In all honesty, I do think the pandemic has made me realise that we don’t know what’s round the corner & I don’t want to regret anything in our relationship or life in general. I do believe that the more sex you have, the more you want. Do take those small first steps & see how DH responds. Be gentle & listen to each other too. Good luck OP. I hope things improve.

Some really good advice here.
It seems mostly have drifted apart due to life stressors and then being a bit shy to bring the topic up.

This was me years ago and I did bring it up. My ex broke down basically and said he just didn’t fancy me anymore which is not nice to hear.

He had always preferred slim woman so it wasn’t a surprise as I had put a lot of weight on, but it was hurtful. Our relationship ended shortly afterwards.

This is rarely suggested as a possible reason but for me it’s probably the most likely reason. You have to speak to him though as 3 years is a long time.

@TheFoundations

Probably not what you want to hear, but if you're having to post to strangers online about how to approach an intimate issue in your most intimate relationship, then that relationship is beyond repair, intimacy-wise.

You don't feel loved, and you don't feel you can open a conversation with him about it; what are you getting out of this relationship, emotionally, these days?

The whole point of forums like this is to talk to someone as anon to get the 3rd opinion and it shouldn't be judged.

If I want to talk about Anything on any appropriate forum, I will and I'll Never feel guilty about it.

It's MUCH BETTER to be able to talk to strangers about anything that bothers you than have a chance of getting depressed and constantly going in circles with your own thoughts in your head feeling nobody cares or can help.

I know there is always a counselling option but sometimes talking to people from their own life experiences can help as well. It's free & quick enough. You get the answers on the same day or the next day + more answers from different people within 1 week and 1 month or so.

You don't have to wait in a long queue for free counselling forever or often minimum for 2-3 months to get your true impartial answers or pay £50 an hour for private counselling.

At the same time, counseling is often very placid and doesn't give you much of your future life direction living it all up to you while Life Coaching and anonymous forums discussions give you clear options you have to choose from to help you to move forward or to resolve the situation the way you'd like it to happen.

Counseling is mainly a 'listening' service, not a clear options action plan service which can be quite frustrating too as most people need to know all the options they have and how to achieve a certain result they'd like to achive.

It's My Life, my situation, my circumstances, and MY RIGHT to ask other people's opinions if I want to.

Everyone is different if they have learned/mastered the skill to be open, to talk openly about anything and everything in their marriage/relations or not.

It can be improved with practice and after developing certain communication skills.

[quote TheFoundations]@Lana07

I always discuss everything freely with my husband

Read the room.[/quote]
What do you mean by this?

@sospspsp

IMHO a sexless marriage is a dead marriage (I've been there). It's difficult and painful, but only you as a couple can make the decision that this is how you are going to live

Sometimes with the right communication, it can improve.

Depends on how much both people in the couple want it to resume and how much they both want to save the marriage like this and how much effort they decide to put into it.

I've established our hugs & kisses rules, rituals, and traditions because it was very important to me as I am more of a tactile person than my husband. 4) Physical Touch (+sex) is one of my main love languages +1) Actions, 2)Praise (compliments, kind words), 3) Quality Time together 5)Presents in this number order of priority.

So my husband agrees with the rules I like :).

We kiss & hug when we

1. go to work/leave the house
2. come back home
3. after dinner (especially a nice a tasty one:))
4. before bed (while saying good night to each other).
5. when one of us did/bought something special for each other

We are all creatures of habits. If we establish good healthy habits, family traditions, and rituals, make time for each other, then our marriage becomes much happier, more harmonious, and more fulfilling.

“We are all creatures of habits. If we establish good healthy habits, family traditions, and rituals, make time for each other, then our marriage becomes much happier, more harmonious, and more fulfilling.”

This. My DH and I have periodically gone through difficult patches and have sometimes had to have some painful conversations. They have ALWAYS been worth it. Because the temporary pain of uncomfortable home truths was infinitely better than continuing in ways which were causing us to drift apart which in the long term would be so much more painful.

You and your DH are avoiding the temporary pain of some difficult conversations but potentially at the cost of your relationship. You need to bite the bullet or you may find you lose the chance of a way back to each other which you would otherwise have had.

Cast your mind forward - if you and your H are still in this place in 1 or 2 years’ time and yet further away from each other - what would you wish you had done now?

OP what I can say is that I was forced into separation by death. Although the death has affected our family profoundly and it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I’ve lost my best friend I can tell you 2 things

First, your children would cope and you would find an inner strength

Secondly it frees your mind and offers you headspace to be alone and to build your life

Thirdly, having the opportunity to be physically intimate with other men is like a light bulb moment. It’s about you rediscovering yourself and realising it’s not age or anything you’ve done. I remember just being in awe that a man in his 50’s had a libido like an 18 year old. I couldn’t get over it.

Now if there’s hope for you and your husband of course you must try and find that spark again. If not, then go and find yourself.

I saw my DP yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks and he has been travelling for work. To be with someone whose body and touch you crave and to that when you see them reminds me why a sexless relationship is so demoralising

We’ve gone three plus years on and off in our 20 year marriage. Currently been about six months.
Maybe it doesn’t matter, I don’t know anymore. I do know it feels selfish to break up over sex when there are dc involved. The lack of sex doesn’t affect them and they aren’t aware of it, obviously. Therefore I’m inclined to just put up with it.

@Sunbeamelephant

We’ve gone three plus years on and off in our 20 year marriage. Currently been about six months. Maybe it doesn’t matter, I don’t know anymore. I do know it feels selfish to break up over sex when there are dc involved. The lack of sex doesn’t affect them and they aren’t aware of it, obviously. Therefore I’m inclined to just put up with it.

Have you openly talked to your husband about it?

What do you think are his reasons for that?

It's not selfish to divorce/split up because of lack of/no sex or mismatched sex drives which are about genetics or lifestyle.

Genetics can't be controlled, lifestyle can be adjusted and changed for the better.

It's not about selfishness, it's about NOT being prepared to lose/sell the house (marital home), money, lifestyle after the divorce and for that reason, people decide to sacrifice their happy sex life with a potentially loving and grateful person who loves and need great sex as much as they do and who they have the same level of sex drive with (high, average or low).